AIBU not to want to go to mediation?

[Deepblueriver]

I am currently separated from my husband due to abuse and controlling behaviour. We have a baby.

I moved out of our home that we jointly own with just one bag each for myself and the baby as I didn’t want him to know we were leaving. I am currently staying with family.

I have allowed him to see our baby but I have been there all the time as my solicitor recommended that I only allow supervised access.

He has spoken to a solicitor who said that I can’t do this and recommend mediation. He wants overnights every weekend.

I feel very anxious about this as before I left there were some very distressing incidents. When I was pregnant I wanted home to come with me to one of my hospital appointments as I was having some complications during pregnancy and wasn’t sure if I was getting the right care. He was working a lot and didn’t want to take time off even for the birth or paternity leave. The night before the appointment he had a knife and said he was going to commit suicide because I was putting too many demands on him. He wouldn’t let me call an ambulance. I stayed up most of the night trying to calm him down he refused all offers of help. He went to work the next day as normal. I went to my appointment alone.

I believed for a long time that he had a serious mental illness but I realised that he was not as ill as he claimed and was using it to get me to do what he wanted while I crept around on eggshells trying not to upset him.

I was very frightened that he was going to go to court to try and take the baby away from me as he had threatened to do so. I am relieved that he is going to try a more conciliatory approach. However I do feel anxious at the thought of him having our baby overnight. I don’t feel strong enough to stand up for myself. My solicitor says I don’t have to do it. I am frightened of going to court.

I also worry that he will kill himself and kill our baby. Is this a rational fear?

He comes across as a lovely sensitive caring man and I think he could convince the court that he is a fantastic dad and I am mentally ill.

He is trying to be reasonable by going to mediation would I be unreasonable not to go?

No you aren’t unreasonable. This is just another attempt by your ex to control you. This would not be recommended in your situation where there is not an equal power balance.

Aveisenim thank you for posting those links. I have had a look at the Women’s Aid one about the affect domestic abuse has on mothers and babies.

I had no idea that it caused health problems in pregnancy. One of the things it says is that mums are more likely to be hospitalised with severe sickness, that happened to me (he was very angry when he had to come and bring me a hospital bag). It also says babies are more likely to be born early. I thought my waters had broken early they were leaking rather than a gush) but I wasn’t sure and I knew he would be angry if I went into hospital and it was a false alarm. I left it very late to go in and even when I did I didn’t get any proper care. The midwife was horrible and he didn’t stand up for me and actually left me alone. The poor baby was born covered in meconium. I have been trying to make sense of what happened for a long time.

How are you doing @Deepblueriver?

Avesinium thank you for asking after me. I am going to go to the MIAM meeting. It will probably be just after Christmas now. I feel so frightened of doing the wrong thing and losing DS.
My solicitor says go and tell them mediation isn’t suitable for me because of the abuse (she told me specific things to mention). I worry that the mediator will refuse to sign the form and bully me into mediation or that if I go to court they will give him more contact than he would have got through the mediator. So basically my head is a mess.
He wants me to give him DS for a few days over Christmas because his parents are coming. My solicitor has said to have no unsupervised contact and that someone from my family should go as his mum doesn’t have any insight into his behaviour. He will kick off when I suggest this. He hasn’t see DS for 7 weeks because he only wanted to see him at his house by himself.

I feel that I am less of a mum because of everything that has happened and I am not going to be able to protect my baby.

You do not have to hand over the baby! Just say no, or offer supervised contact with one of your parents if they are happy to do this. As mentioned, as you’re bf, you don’t have to allow overnights.

What you describe re having to follow his set of rules is co-ercive control ie clear abuse.

Thank you Cherrysoup it is nice of you to say that because I do doubt myself. I am going to offer him supervised access with one of my relatives. He will be angry and say that I am blocking him from seeing DC.

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I have now had a MIAM with the mediator. My solicitor says you have to do this before you go to court. She said that if I told the mediator about the abuse they would suggest that I was not suitable for mediation.
I told the mediator about the abuse and she says it is up to me whether I go to mediation or not but that if I go to court I might not like the outcome. She also talked about things like building up to overnight contact which I don’t want to have ever.

I am now really torn about what to do. I don’t feel comfortable with the mediator at all as she doesn’t seem to understand the risk. But if I go to court there is more risk.

Hi, I’m reading with interest. Have you had any further news? I refused to mediate about my children as they are older and do not want to see their dad as he was abusive. I did want to mediate about finances but he wants to now go through the court for both. I just want it all sorted.