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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Treating all grandchildren the same at Christmas etc.

29 replies

Starlet79 · 28/10/2019 17:42

Please do not copy this post anywhere else! Name changed as well. Don’t want anyone guessing who I am.

A bit of an odd one which I will try and explain as simply as possible

My grandparents aren’t rich but they are certainly comfortable and are very generous with all their grandchildren and great grandchildren (my DC). I would never expect them to spend as much n my DC but they do which is nice. I think they feel very lucky to have great grandchildren and like to spoil them. I am grateful. They are also very kind and gift me about £100 each Christmas.

Now.. my mum believes that my grandparents should spend less on me and more on my two younger siblings as they are younger and not yet parents. She also believes that she spend more on them than her great grandchildren.

Her reasoning is that my Dc also get presents off my in laws and also my eldest has a different dad to youngest so he gets gifts off them too. But my younger siblings should get more as they have no other extended family (mum is estranged from her mother in law) and my Dc have gifts off both their grandparents and great grandparents that my siblings should get more from my grandparents? If any of this makes any sense..

She also kicks off when my grandparents spend money on my cousin as she believes because he has ‘two families’ (my uncle is split with his mother) he shouldn’t get so much off grandparents.

Aibu to think it really doesn’t work like this? grandparents should spend equal amounts on the grandkids despite the amount of family that they have.

Like I said, I don’t expect my grandparents to be so generous but they enjoy doing so and treat us equally so that’s up to them?

OP posts:

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 28/10/2019 17:44

It's your grandparents money & they can spend it however or on whoever they choose. It has absolutely nothing to do with your mother.

coldlighthappier · 28/10/2019 17:45

It’s got literally nothing to do with your mother anyway but I do disagree with her

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/10/2019 17:50

See yer Ma OP? She's bonkers.

EL8888 · 28/10/2019 17:52

It’s none of your Mum’s business. Your grandparents can spend their money how they like. I’m guessing you don’t tell your Mum how to spend her money?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2019 17:52

Nothing to do with her. Have you asked her why she thinks it is or why she’s telling you and not then?

bakesalesally · 28/10/2019 17:55

Goodness, the things people get their knickers in a twist about!

OnlineShopping · 28/10/2019 17:55

Surely it is up to everyone to spend whatever they want on whoever they want. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The only time I could see an issue is if there was some sort of favouritism which was causing an upset.

Original poster

Starlet79 · 28/10/2019 17:56

She has told them. she is very up front about these things and they just want to treat us all the same regardless of how much family we have around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Starlet79 · 28/10/2019 17:56

Definitely no favouritism. They want to treat everyone the same but my mum thinks my siblings should get more!

OP posts:

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 28/10/2019 18:04

Dh's parents do mostly equal presents to both their grandchildren (an identical cash sum and a present equal to roughly £50).

If it was based on wider family dynamics, mine would get less as all my Uncles & Aunts now buy for my children instead of me, as does my Grandmother, my godparents and assorted friends of my parents. Both of dh's bils have much smaller families.

Your Grandparents are buying for their family, what everyone else does is irrelevant.

Halo1234 · 28/10/2019 18:05

Your mum is way way way out of order. They dont have to get anyone anything. Nobody should be telling them who to spend what money on. As previous poster said...she is bonkers. You cant reason with the u reasonable. I would just not get into it with your mum. If she is estranged from your gran she should be able to pester her about it. If she was pestering her about it I would have a short dont do that to my gran word. No debate just a it's out of line dont do it conversation. And leave her to fizz.

bridgetreilly · 28/10/2019 18:06

She needs to shut up and let other people make their own choices about what seems right and fair to them.

LizzieMacQueen · 28/10/2019 18:09

She sees you and your DC as one 'unit' and therefore equal to your brother and sister who are also a 'unit'. Is that it @Starlet79 ?

See, I kind of see the logic in that but only to how it extends to her choosing how to spend her money.

LizzieMacQueen · 28/10/2019 18:10

To clarify, I mean she sees your brother as one unit, your sister as another unit and therefore she splits her Xmas budget in 3 equal amounts.

EbayAddiction · 28/10/2019 18:22

It's simpler for your grandparents to treat everyone the same. The reasons your mother gives sounds far too in depth and ridiculous.

GiftDropUK · 28/10/2019 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Booboooo · 28/10/2019 18:25

Why the hell is she getting involved??? Whats it to her?

EssentialHummus · 28/10/2019 18:28

Op as others have said it’s up to the giver how they spend.

ChilledBee · 28/10/2019 18:30

I clicked YABU and "I'll tell you for why". All the grandparents in my family and my husband's family (something they actually have in common), tailor their support (but not their love) to where it is needed most.

Me and hubby have each other and childcare/moral support from my in laws who live relatively close. We're okay for money. Not every family unit in our extended families are as stable as we are for a variety of reasons. Therefore, those who aren't as great going as we are do get more support from them in terms of money, gifts, childcare etc.

Sometimes these are desperate measures to keep a family afloat and intact. Other times, it is just to improve their quality of life a little. We know that Jane who is a cousin and single mum can't do much for her three kids at Xmas so everyone who can splashes a bit on those kids. But maybe stuff they need like clothes rather than toys but nice stuff all the same. And some people will give Jane some money for Xmas for herself. Someone else will offer to babysit if she wants to go out on NY to give her a night out.

I think that's right. We don't need that. Well not as much as Jane.

CalmdownJanet · 28/10/2019 18:38

But she doesn't want you treated the same, she wants you treated differently. You are bring treated the same and she wants that changed. She sounds grabby as fuck and not like a nice person at all

Jeschara · 28/10/2019 18:47

It really is nine if your Mothers business.

AJPTaylor · 28/10/2019 18:53

You might be grown up with kids of your own but you are still their granddaughter.
Your mum is mad.

pikapikachu · 28/10/2019 19:00

The first reply is spot on.
I would also buy gifts because I want to. Taking into account other family members is super grabby and who comes from a family where both families spend the same anyway? Your mother is insane to think like she does.

TheresWaldo · 28/10/2019 19:01

Its a stupid argument. My dsis has 3 children and I have 1. Should everyone should spend less on the 3 vs the 1? Including me? I am surely "disadvantaged" as I buy 3 birthday/xmas presents and receive 1 in return? To me that's not what gift giving is about.

Jollitwiglet · 28/10/2019 19:03

Your mum sounds really controlling about what other people do with their money. It has absolutely nothing to do with her. I'm sure if your siblings decide to have children then they will be treated just the same as your children

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