Embarrassed that this still affects me so much

[NoMorePawPatrolPlease]

I can’t talk to anyone about this in RL because I’m too embarrassed, and I’ve name changed.
I also just want to acknowledge that I’m aware there are more important things going on in the world, people have much much worse problems than this, but I’m feeling quite unsettled so please be kind.

Does anyone still feel quite affected by bullying at school? And have you had any help for it?

I was bullied at secondary school by girls who I had been close friends with for years. I was devastated to lose my friends and the bullying was embarrassing and upsetting. It has affected my ability to make, and keep, healthy female friendships ever since.

I think DS starting school last month has triggered the memories to start coming back, and then this weekend I saw on social media that DS wasn’t invited to a party. The party itself is of no consequence whatsoever, it looked to be a handful of boys, and DS won’t be inviting everyone in his class to his birthday party either. But these awful feelings of shame, embarrassment and anger washed over me and I cried about it for the first time in about 20 years.
Just the thought of DS or DD experiencing what I did at school makes me go cold, and we’re just at the start of their school journeys.

Has anyone experienced this and managed to get over it so you don’t think about it anymore? I feel so stupid and embarrassed at my age, but also really sad, and I’d love to be able to close the door on it all.

I'm 43 and I think about it nearly every day. It's affected my self esteem and my ability to stand up for myself. If someone pushes in front of me in the queue I pretend I haven't noticed. I just get this massive rush of panicky Adrenalin which makes me stutter and go bright red so confrontation is out of the question. I should get help for it but I'm getting on OK generally, run my own business etc

Op i still think about the times i was bullied, abused, hit, and i cry. Why wouldnt I? I was a victim but i no longer am. Now I am free from that but it still hurts sometimes.
Someone once told me to stand up for the victim you once were have her back and tell her she's ok, safe, good and that you will always protect her. In effect be kind to yourself, just like you would be to someone else who was being hurt in that way.
Your experience is likely to mean you will be more aware for your dc hence a greater layer of protection for them.

It’s perfectly possible to suffer from long term PTSD after an experience of fear, violence, powerlessness or rejection. I was bullied over 20 years ago and I still cry if I think or talk about it. I still struggle with self esteem and making friends. If I see groups of teens in school uniform I feel sick and shaky and frightened. I can’t walk past them, I have to cross the road. I’m terrified that my DC will have the same awful time at school. To be honest it would be more surprising if such a terrible experience had not left mental scars.

Avocado I get the same adrenaline rush too. And I pretend I haven’t seen someone do something in order to avoid confrontation. It’s bizarre and I annoy myself. I cope with it, but sometimes I think would it be worth opening up about it, which would be difficult, in order to hopefully move past it? Would I ever be able to move past it?

Then there’s the anger that they’ve just been able to get on with their lives and not have this hanging over them. They will literally never give me a second thought. I wish so much that I could do the same, but I’m so angry that they have never had to face up to what they did.

Thank you for your kind words, All. I’m just worried that I’m going to be over the top in terms of protecting my DC and I’ll somehow pass my anxieties on to them. I would really love to assign all that crap to the past but I don’t know how.

Place I also feel panicky at groups of teenagers. Then I feel pathetic for having that reaction at my age. I want so much to not feel this way anymore.

I started a new job teaching and I’m shocked at how much it effects me when I teach in the traditional schools. I think about how horrible my bullies were how my ex bf at school used to rape me, the horrible abuse from my step dad. What should be a great thing of working somewhere new and finally getting my own money is taking a real back seat to the bullying and abuse from over a decade ago.

I try to think I’m someone else now, every seven years I become a completely different person. But it’s still hard.

Have you had any counselling?

Honestly a good counsellor can make so much difference I wish it could be prescribed for everyone who would benefit from it.

Things that happen to us as children have an impact on the way our brain is wired since parts of it are very much still forming throughout childhood and even up to our early 20's.

It's entirely possible that you have a mild form of Complex PTSD from bullying.

I'd really recommend looking up some counsellors in your local area. IMO counsellors who are 'integrative' are the best - it basically means they've learnt a number of different tools / methods and will use the ones most appropriate to your situation.

I was fully expecting to be told to “get over it” because it feels so pathetic to be upset about being bullied at school when you’re a grown woman with DC and a career.

I have thought about trying to get even somehow - but I doubt anything malicious that I could do to them would ever make me feel better about it. Plus I’m just not that kind of person.

Name that sounds horrific

If you are able to afford private sessions then you can search for counsellors near you here:

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Like any other profession you may or may not click with the first one you meet, so don't be afraid to try a different counsellor if you feel the first one you meet isn't for you (some people write counselling off because they didn't click with the first one they met which is such a shame!)

Mojo thank you - the main thing holding me back is the thought of the counsellor basically saying “I’m here for people with actual problems, stop wasting my time”.

for you all.

Bullies are the lowest of the low....

Thank you for the link, Mojo the sessions are more affordable than I had assumed they would be.

Sorry you went through this.

Trauma does not go away by itself with time.

Instead, when something happens that triggers memories of the original trauma, you get a flashback to that time and feel the way you did then.

It hasn't been processed to become simply an unpleasant memory, it feels as if you're back in that time & you have no more psychological resources to cope with it than you did when you really were living the experience.

There is therapy to deal with it, and there are books about trauma and CPTSD, though I don't know how much self-help is feasible.

But it would be a good idea to seek help.

Apart from the distress this is causing you, you may inadvertently pass on some of your own fears and anxiety around this to your DCs.

Good luck.

A counsellor definitely won't think or say that.

They're there to help anyone work through any kind of situation, it's not somehow exclusively for the worst imaginable things.

I know the comparison between mental and physical health has some limitations but consider this...

Should someone who only has mild diabetes not be treated because people with severe diabetes exist?

Should people with kidney infections not bother seeking treatment because they don't need dialysis?

Would you not treat recurrent migraines because other people have brain tumours?

Obviously these are silly examples but hopefully you see the logic in what I'm saying.

You are worthy of feeling happy and being free from the impact of bullying

Thank you. I do understand what you’re saying about the counselling. Perhaps it’s time.
Thank you all for your kind words.

This thread is incredibly moving and underlines how important it is to promptly and effectively tackle bullying. It clearly can have lifelong impact.

If I see groups of teens in school uniform I feel sick and shaky and frightened.

^^

I'm the same and I wasn't even badly bullied. I think most people's experience of a UK childhood in the education system is one of belittling and scorn. From teachers and peers. Which is terrible, obviously.

'No dark sarcasm in the classroom' etc had it bang on

I was horrendously bullied from year 3 (new kid syndrome) until I left school in year 11. Every day there was an event, from persistent name calling, stealing my belongings and clothes after PE. Having my hair cut by a group and then of course, the actual physical bullying. The worst was when a male in my science class used the time a teacher was distracted to hold my hand over a Bunsen burner. Oh at the attempt to drown me at swimming lessons because I was a very weak swimmer and the women with those horn thingies (if any other school had these) were too busy chatting to notice me being held underwater by three girls.

Since then I’ve had depression, anxiety a huge fear of swimming and a generally shit view of myself. I also came from a home of alcoholics who were oftentimes at each other’s throats. But oddly I don’t feel affected by the bullying so much now. I moved away from the area I grew up in and started anew. The phobia of water is still there but I’m working on that. Depression is still on and off but since having my own DC it has improved a lot as has my previous anxiety (finally managed to come off the meds two years ago!).

To answer your question @CooCooAchew I wanted children, unlike my own parental figures I will listen to my children if they end up in any of the scenarios I did as a child and make any changes that I can to help them - I will guide them as best I can. As for the other shit I experienced at home, I KNOW they will never go through that because DH and I aren’t abusive alcoholics.

The only consolation ia that they generay did not see what they were doing. And they were young.

I was bullied by people and it still hurts me.

However, I have also been on the other side.

I remember as a pre teen being (in my mind) mildly rude to another 11 year old, and leaving her out of a few things. She told me as an adult that "I had ruined her childhood". I really barely remember it, I was young, and it just astounded me.

Why do we judge bullies so harshly when they were children/teenagers.

And yet I remember the people that bullied me. Even though they were young. They probably don't remember bullying me at all.

Is it possible that things get blown out of proportion in our own young minds at that age?

I was bullied mentally and physically throughout High School. It broke my heart when DS started getting the same treatment.

For some reason I never told my parents so it just carried on, and I just had to grit my teeth. DS told me and we moved him to a different school because there was no way he was going to go through what I did.

I was bullied and sometimes have that Sunday night dread at 43! The girls and boys who did it from age 11-15 years still sometimes try to befriend me on fb. Unbelievable. One nasty individual bumped into me town and acted so lovely, even expected a wedding invite!
I got over it with cbt as I believe bullying g was the open wound that allowed me to become depressed and anxious as an adult, triggers by pnd! It all links I believe. I agree with a poster that time doesn’t heal trauma.
To the other poster- I have 2 school age children but we talk and talk every single day. I tell them I want to hear about it all. I watch them
Like a hawk. I talk to them
About bullying and my eldest hates that someone could do this. She's a school anti-bullying ambassador.
Things have changed. Bullying will always happen but I hope the world talks more- at school I never told a soul, my parents were amazing but I never told them.
Thank you op this is very self cathartic

I think that everyone has been bullied. I have never heard anyone say that they were not bullied at school.

I think because it happened when we were at such a young age, it has a more lasting impact on our minds.