Embarrassed that this still affects me so much

[NoMorePawPatrolPlease]

I can’t talk to anyone about this in RL because I’m too embarrassed, and I’ve name changed.
I also just want to acknowledge that I’m aware there are more important things going on in the world, people have much much worse problems than this, but I’m feeling quite unsettled so please be kind.

Does anyone still feel quite affected by bullying at school? And have you had any help for it?

I was bullied at secondary school by girls who I had been close friends with for years. I was devastated to lose my friends and the bullying was embarrassing and upsetting. It has affected my ability to make, and keep, healthy female friendships ever since.

I think DS starting school last month has triggered the memories to start coming back, and then this weekend I saw on social media that DS wasn’t invited to a party. The party itself is of no consequence whatsoever, it looked to be a handful of boys, and DS won’t be inviting everyone in his class to his birthday party either. But these awful feelings of shame, embarrassment and anger washed over me and I cried about it for the first time in about 20 years.
Just the thought of DS or DD experiencing what I did at school makes me go cold, and we’re just at the start of their school journeys.

Has anyone experienced this and managed to get over it so you don’t think about it anymore? I feel so stupid and embarrassed at my age, but also really sad, and I’d love to be able to close the door on it all.

This is a really good thread. I am a very adventurous person, and I often think of things that I want to do, such as,

"I want to go and volunteer in a migrant camp in Greece for a month, I want to help refugees". Or "I want to go and teach English in a school abroad", and then I don't do it.

And reading this thread, I realise what stops me - is that I am absolutely terrified that I will be bullied when I go to a new place. I have had very bad bullying experiences in the past, and I am scared of people now.

Isn't it sad that it is stopping me , and many other people from living our lives.

I am genuinely scared when I go into a new group of people. It has stopped me from doing alot of things

Are there any resources online that we can share to heal from bullying.

Love to you all

@nocluewhattodoo I am exactly the same. I don't let anyone get close to me, and Idon't have a high achieving job, despite being intelligent, because I have very poor self esteem. And now I stop myself from going places, because I am so worried that the people will be nasty to me. That I seaerved the bullying, and I am bound to get it again in a new group.

God bullying is the worst! They felt better by making us feel small. That is all bullying ever is, they feel better by making you feel bad.

Don't let those assholes win! I send you a big hug.
God I really need to heal from my own bullying myself, it is stopping me living my life!

*deserved the bullying

OP this happens to me too.
I still feel angry especially when I see the bullies out living their lives and talk to me now.
I keep thinking what was so wrong with me back then?
The other issue I have is my dm used to bully me as well. My self esteem is virtually destroyed from childhood and even now I wonder why do my friends like me?
I've also been bullied at work. The humiliation when they had tricked the ones not in the "in crowd with the boss" to work the same shift so they could all go out.
How can you think your a good decent person when it carries on into adult life?

@Iwantacookie i send you a hug.

I think that this thread is very healing. Alot of us were bullied on here - we can't have all deserved it, can we. There was nothing wrong with you, there was nothing wronf with me.

Abusers always make their victims think that it is their fault.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, amazing and no one else can define you.

F the bullies.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find this thread very healing. We know what it felt like and we can support each other. Maybe we should start an online support group

It's not stupid or anything like that and it may well be PTSD that you've grown used to living with. You shouldn't live with it though, you should seek some help for it.

I was badly beaten at the age of 15 by a group of girls. One of them was my best friend at primary school that I hadn't seen for many years as we went to different secondary schools. I'm 30 now and it's left me anxious about people's intentions when they want to befriend me and sometimes I think they may turn on me for no reason but I think I manage ok.

Mine was one episode, yours was prolonged so it's bound to have more effect on you. Please see your GP and get some CBT to help

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I wasn’t expecting any more replies when I checked this afternoon. So sorry to those who have been so severely affected by bullying, my experience pales in comparison to some of the abuse mentioned here.

Interesting points about the bullies themselves. The bully in my case had always been someone who loved drama, her mum was the same. You have to think that the pair of them were unhappy and missing something in their lives to want the constant drama and conflict.

On paper, I’ve been successful. I got great GCSE and A Level results, went to a top Uni, married a wonderful man and we have our beautiful DS and DD. I had a career (now a SAHM) and managed to convince everyone that I’m fine. In comparison, they are all still in the same town, doing minimum wage jobs. So it looks as though I’ve “won” in that sense.

But I’m the one still struggling with female friendships and they were all each other’s bridesmaids, went on girly holidays together etc. I feel I missed out on quite a few female rites of passage. I have no school friends, yet everyone else I know does. I never had a girly holiday with a big group of best friends. The girls I asked to be my bridesmaids I no longer speak to, and they’re on my wedding photos - another reminder for me, on the happiest day of my life, that I cannot have female friends because they will eventually turn on me.
Do these things really matter? Probably not.
Are female friendships essential for a happy life? I hope not!
Do they still upset me? Unfortunately, yes.

This thread has been cathartic, and I thank everyone for their contributions. I never talk about this, I don’t want anyone in RL to know I still think about this / am still affected by it due to pride. So just writing this down has been helpful.

Yes. Twenty years later I had hypnotherapy and it has been fantastic. I didn't even realize how angry I still was until a drunk stranger hit me in a pub one night and all that impotent rage came back. I had to be dragged off her by several men. Got help. Totally normal to feel like you do. I have actually just talked to the kids at my school about post-bullying rage and our need to acknowledge it. Please get help and no shame!!!!

Ps the bullying I had went on years. Have had it at work too. After inner child hypnotherapy I have had two workplaces try to bully me but had no fear at all. Fought back both times, took no shit. I don't care what gossip might day about me...I worry for my son but I am here and know what to do if anyone tries. Me, I am free of it and it changed my life.

@NoMorePawPatrolPlease it is never too late to make female friends. And women are definitely not all the same.

I had only one female friend at school. We are not friends any more. School friends are not more important that friends you make later on.

I have made female friends later on in life, who have been great.

Pm of me if you would like a new female friend :)

I was horrendously bullied in my early teens and actually didn’t fully acknowledge the severity or of it until early adulthood. I have PTSD from a specific traumatic event which occurred later but the bullying definitely compounded the trauma.

Oh OP YES YES YES. I had therapy last year relating to my anxiety, we did EMDR which involved going back and back to try and find the point the anxiety started. It was from being bullied as a teenager, and the feelings that that triggered. 16 years later, those scars and the total fear that that instilled in me had meant I became more and more anxious and more of an overthinker as I was desperately trying to prevent the same thing happening again (slightly simplifying it for brevity!).

It was cathartic, but hard, as I felt so alone then and so worthless and like I deserved to be treated that way. Which wasn't true but noone was there for me saying that.

If you want to let go of some of that pain and the trauma, therapy may help. I can honestly say, it changed my life. (Full disclosure: It wasn't cheap but it has changed my life)

You're not alone.

Thank you for all the recommendations for counselling and hypnotherapy. I’m definitely going to look into it. Just writing about this, even anonymously to people I don’t know, has been cathartic. I already feel better today than I did yesterday.
Thank you all

Have come back to this thread out of interest as it seems to have been cathartic for many people to tell their stories here and offer advice which could help others, so I did a brief search for UK-based resources for adult survivors of bullying and was quite surprised to find there don’t appear to be any at all.

It’s an issue that can have such profound, life-altering consequences and I believe it’s common and widespread, though largely invisible due to the secrecy and shame surrounding it. It’s heartbreaking that people who’ve suffered the isolating effects of bullying then have to navigate the effects of it all on their own - with varying outcomes judging by the life experiences shared here.

Does anyone think a safe online space/discussion forum/shared resource might be useful? Or is there already one that people have found helpful that I’ve missed? (did say it was a brief search!)

I'm sad to read all these stories. Dreadful dreadful things that went on for years. Horrible.

I was abused at home for 15 years. I chose to do a self help and counselling thing in my 20s. In the process, I looked extensively at what had happened, how it had affected me, what I'd done to cope, the lasting changes in me and things I'd now like to change.

I had to learn to stand up for myself, be brave, say no etc. All excruciating at first, but now skills under the belt.

And I had a massive fear of people, only ever really relaxing when alone. Sharing, being around appropriate people, good people, helped to heal that.

So i want to further encourage others to absolutely do the self exploration of the wounds, and learn and practice new skills. It was wrong then and further hurt from it is wrong now xxx

OP, I just wanted to come in to say that you sound absolutely lovely. Also, I wanted to say that lots of people lose touch with their school friends for so many reasons as they move into adulthood. Few people live in the same town where they grew up, for a start. I guess if you still see certain individuals around, that’s a permanent reminder. But, the good news is, you can make friends at different phases in your life. Particularly when you have young children, through the school, etc. So please don’t let past patterns hold you back any longer. These days, my best female friends are via the school’s and some from uni - I’m in my 40s. No idea what happened to anyone from school.
Please do bite the bullet and find a psychotherapist / counsellor you feel comfortable with. It really doesn’t matter what the issue is or where it stems from - if it’s holding you back in some way it needs dealing with. This is what they do! Be kind to yourself and give yourself that space. Without sounding like L’Oreal - “you’re worth it!” You have already been able to take a big step in that you are able to identify the cause of your anxiety. Many people turn up in therapy because they’re feeling anxious, but have no idea why.
Someone told me once they 80% of our behaviour is controlled by unconscious processes. I’ve neen in therapy for a year now - not because of bullying - but it’s been transformative. Having your own children can trigger allsorts of unresolved feelings. This is extremely common. Look at the response you’ve had on this thread - and we’re not even therapists! Help is out there for you, it really is. Also, Thankyou for this thread because even though I wasn’t particularly bullied at school, it has revealed how many people still struggle with the impact into adulthood and I can see it’s been useful for many people.