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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just leave dh and not go home with 2 DC

43 replies

Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 02:23

Ok, looking for opinions as to whether IABU here. Sorry for the long post but please bear with me.

Married for 10 years plus, dcs are 6 and 2. I have been unhapoy in my marriage for many years. Lots of reasons, lack of closeness, debt thats accumulated due to DH spending, somewhat controlling and very little emotional support e.g. when i had the dcs and when my father died last year. He also does nothing around the hius6e or with the kids. I have mentioned wanting to end things at leadt 4 times before but DH will always 'talk me round'. I feel positive about things changing but after a short while it just goes back to the same old same old. Its got to the point now where we have very different views on parenting that is causing daily arguments (i feel he does anything for an easy life with the kids and will not parent them properly just fling them a device etc).

Anyway, i crossed a line this weekend. I have had a very strong crush on my brother in law for the whole time ive been married (another thread in itself!) I mean seriously strong as in i think of him every day, fantasize abiut him and i am very attracted to him. But no single person knows this. He has just divorced.

Saturday night he messaged me something about his kids, i replied give them a kiss from me. He replied 'and what about me'. After a lot of thought i replied 'you of course too' :). We are both muslim. This is a big no no! He then replied saying 'sorry i thought it was ...(ds)' messaging and said good night. I felt so foolish. Hes obviously not at all interested but my reaction and reason for responding the kiss was also for him was a way of letting him know im interested in him. I know very school girl playground antics.

Anyway i feel i crossed a line and that actually i was hoping for something more because im so unhappy but was very wrong of me.

I called DH this morning and told him that due to all the problems we have i want a divorce, that ive had enough of waiting for things to get better. That im so guilty about breaking our family up but can not go on like this. He doesnt know about the message. He is mortified and again Begging for another chance and more time to change. I feel that we are done and with what i did yesterday with his brother i cant come back from. Im not myself lately totally changed person and i feel its because if how deeply unhappy i am. Then i think 'give your head a wobble women' hes not done anything that bad and its wrong to end things. So confused. Ive been looking at places to rent to.move to next week without going back home.

Aibu to just go for this and leave with the DCs?

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 28/10/2019 02:27

You know it's time to leave, so take your children and leave. He isn't going to change. The brother in law thing is something you will have to deal with another time. You have your children to think of.

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 02:42

The signs were all there from the start. But can i just take the children from him?

OP posts:
WhatTiggersDoBest · 28/10/2019 02:50

How much family involvement will there be? Are your parents or his likely to try and convince you to stay together to keep the family harmonious? If you divorce he can get shared custody later, or contact at the very least, but you can leave with the kids if it's in their best interests. Do you earn enough to support yourself and will you have childcare while you're at work etc? You sound unhappy and like it's not worth staying to hear more empty promises from him.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 28/10/2019 02:51

Sorry I meant your mother or his parents.

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 03:32

Whattigerdobest...thank you for your reply. In terms of family involvement i imagine my.mum will encourage me to stay as she, along with everyone else, has no idea there are problems. Ive said nothing and kept a facade. I believe she trusts me enough to know i would be making the right decision though and dont imagine she will persist too much as i think she has some reservations about him anyway. My dad died last year and would never have wanted him to know we divorced.

In terms of his family, they are all abroad. So i can avoid/limit contact from them farly easily.

Im so sad, im crying uncontrollably about this right now. I jsut dont know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 03:35

I feel so bad for my chilren. I never wanted them to have seprated patents. Thats the thing thats kept me with him. We are with my mum this weekend and i dont feel i can go back. I want to just find somewhere to rent and move in next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 03:36

Sorry, i do work and have enough to support me and the kids i think. Ive been off sick though as i wasnt coping with everything plus work.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 28/10/2019 03:41

Is there any thought from you that your brother in law is going to feature your life once you've moved out, because I'm not sure that's the right way to be thinking.

Jossina · 28/10/2019 03:41

I've always thought divorce is better than staying together for the children and modelling horrible behaviour for them.

Candle1000 · 28/10/2019 03:44

You will not only be doing yourself a favour, but your children too in the long run . They will be affected by the arguments and it’s better for them to have a happy mother who shows them that she will not tolerate a lazy man . Best to leave now before you end up (maybe) having an affair which will make things very messy .

BastardGoDarkly · 28/10/2019 03:47

Ok, so don't go back! You're allowed to leave, fir no other reason than... you're really unhappy.

He will of course want and deserve contact with his kids, and if you're both willing, this could work out fine for all of you.

Yes it will.be hard on everyone initially, but not as hard as living the rest of your life in a loveless marriage.

Good luck.

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 03:48

No i dont think anything willl happen with my brother inlaw. He lives the other side.of the world and i only saw him whem we met up at the inlaws and that wont be happening if we split. It would be too messy to persur anything even he had any interest which i believe he doesnt.

I its pure fantasy with him.

OP posts:
kristallen · 28/10/2019 03:49

I wouldn't worry about that text. I understand the context of why you are, however, as you didn't reply immediately and it was alongside giving kisses to the kids you can say you just thought it was weird he asked so guessed it must have been a joke and replied. Then you realised it was crossed wires when he replied and it was embarrassing but on sms it's hard to explain so you just went quiet - IF it's ever brought up.

Don't mention it yourself, because that makes it into something.

And don't worry about it. It's a red herring here. You're not happy and that is the issue.

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 04:02

@Kristallen yes thats a good way to explain it.

I know its not the issue here just another symptom of the problem. Ive found somewhere i could rent. Im thinking to leave the kids with mum and go sort this out today but im terrified im making a mistake. I feel like maybe i should just stay and accept a lifetime of unhappiness for the sake of the kids. That sounds so messed up though!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 28/10/2019 04:02

Yes, it is perfectly reasonable to just not go home.
You are allowed to leave.

You've tried to tell your DH several times and nothing changes. He does nothing for the DC.

If you've got all your paperwork that you would need to divorce, then just stay at your mums.
Seek out a solicitor and get the divorce going.

When you're ready, text him and say you're staying at your mums for awhile with the DC.

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 04:05

All my papers are at the house. Id have to go back to get them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 04:07

Im probably going to have to declare bankruptcy in the next few weeks. If i get a rental property before i do that would i have any problems as i know they credit check you now

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 28/10/2019 04:14

Why are you going bankrupt? Is it anything to do with him? Do you work?

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 04:20

Huge debt, due to him asking for money constantly for a family project but was never that into it. Yes i work but off sick currently. I plan to go back though.

OP posts:
hellotabitha · 28/10/2019 04:30

Don’t feel bad about the message to your BIL! It’s not at all bad and just sounds like you were being friendly or making a joke. As for ‘breaking up your family’ -my parents were unhappy and stayed together to prevent breaking up the family and it made everyone thoroughly miserable. My siblings and I knew our parents weren’t happy, kids are very perceptive, and it was sad and confusing growing up in that environment. As soon as my parents divorced, life got so much better for everyone, and now they’re with people they’re really happy with and it’s SO nice to see. Our biggest regret as a family if that they didn’t divorce earlier. If they did siblings and I would have had a much happier childhood and parents wouldn’t have wasted a chunk of their lives being unhappy. You’re doing the right thing Flowers

lborgia · 28/10/2019 05:03

Normally I would be the first to say, yes get on with it, but in this instance I would just give yourself a few days to sort yourself out. How are you going to pay the deposit on the flat if you don’t have any money? Why are you the one that has to declare bankruptcy if he’s the one who’s appalling with money, spending it on his side of the family? If you can rent a flat, get yourself back to work (even knowing you have a plan should take some of the stress away/life some of the depression don’t you think?), and go over to the Relationships board and get a list of all the things you need to take copies of, organise seeing as you are not in imminent danger if you take a few days to sort yourself out. It’s great that you have this sudden clarity, and are in a position to move out, and don’t ignore that. Yes, I think you should get divorced, but make sure you do everything in the right order.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2019 05:25

YANBU. He sounds horrible. You say you will go bankrupt in a couple of weeks so you need the rental now if you can afford it and will pass the credit checks. If you have access to cash to put into a rental deposit, I would consider doing that as it’s cash he can’t have but it is then tied up. If not, you can do the zero deposit scheme, which is an insurance policy of one weeks rent.

Can you go and stay with your parents? Or is that a no go or too far away?

Before you do this, you need to ensure you have all relevant paperwork.

As for the text to your bil, that definitely doesn’t sound like flirting. If your husband says anything, his message was embarrassing, you didn’t know how to react and were being polite. I do think your crush on your bil will fade once you’re away from your husband. It will take some time. But this is more your brain telling you you’ve made a mistake marrying your husband and as the more successful, attractive, charismatic and / or reliable sibling, this man would have been the better option. Crushes can be strong and a way of telling us something.

Palaver1 · 28/10/2019 05:51

I would say go back and put a plan in place think everything through and come up with a solution that will support your leaving.
Your very fragile at the moment but are still aware of what your aim is.
Going back to work will keep you more focused.
Go onto divorce and separation chat as well lots of advice given.
Your parents might not support this so be aware of the pressure that will come from them,even if you had told them your issues.
This is your life take control you can do it .There is a thread on divorce and separation on women that are 50 and above who are leaving the marriage don’t get to that stage life is so short.
Have a plan in place before doing anything .
All the best

Original poster
Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 05:57

Thank you for your messages. My mum would help out and let us stay but its too far from my sons school. I dont want more upset and change for him. I can get financial help from her till im sorted.

I cant believe im here, in this position, with two small children. I knew within 6 minths of being married it wasnt right. How could i have carried on so blind. Im just so sad this is my life right now. If i could only dissapear it would be so much easier. Maybe thats my answer. I could leave the children with my mum and go some where far away. I just cant stop crying and i havent slept all night. I cant face this anymore.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 28/10/2019 06:00

It sounds like you need to leave.

Don’t go rushing into the arms of the brother in law though. Why did he get divorced? Is he just a carbon copy of his lazy brother?