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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just leave dh and not go home with 2 DC

43 replies

Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 02:23

Ok, looking for opinions as to whether IABU here. Sorry for the long post but please bear with me.

Married for 10 years plus, dcs are 6 and 2. I have been unhapoy in my marriage for many years. Lots of reasons, lack of closeness, debt thats accumulated due to DH spending, somewhat controlling and very little emotional support e.g. when i had the dcs and when my father died last year. He also does nothing around the hius6e or with the kids. I have mentioned wanting to end things at leadt 4 times before but DH will always 'talk me round'. I feel positive about things changing but after a short while it just goes back to the same old same old. Its got to the point now where we have very different views on parenting that is causing daily arguments (i feel he does anything for an easy life with the kids and will not parent them properly just fling them a device etc).

Anyway, i crossed a line this weekend. I have had a very strong crush on my brother in law for the whole time ive been married (another thread in itself!) I mean seriously strong as in i think of him every day, fantasize abiut him and i am very attracted to him. But no single person knows this. He has just divorced.

Saturday night he messaged me something about his kids, i replied give them a kiss from me. He replied 'and what about me'. After a lot of thought i replied 'you of course too' :). We are both muslim. This is a big no no! He then replied saying 'sorry i thought it was ...(ds)' messaging and said good night. I felt so foolish. Hes obviously not at all interested but my reaction and reason for responding the kiss was also for him was a way of letting him know im interested in him. I know very school girl playground antics.

Anyway i feel i crossed a line and that actually i was hoping for something more because im so unhappy but was very wrong of me.

I called DH this morning and told him that due to all the problems we have i want a divorce, that ive had enough of waiting for things to get better. That im so guilty about breaking our family up but can not go on like this. He doesnt know about the message. He is mortified and again Begging for another chance and more time to change. I feel that we are done and with what i did yesterday with his brother i cant come back from. Im not myself lately totally changed person and i feel its because if how deeply unhappy i am. Then i think 'give your head a wobble women' hes not done anything that bad and its wrong to end things. So confused. Ive been looking at places to rent to.move to next week without going back home.

Aibu to just go for this and leave with the DCs?

OP posts:

Toddlersaresuchadelight · 28/10/2019 06:09

You've made your decision to leave and it sounds to me like the right one. I know there are going to be times where you question everything, but trust yourself and allow them to pass (I find chocolate helps).
Your children need you and you need them. You're obviously a good mum and put them first so make a clear plan.
Let your mum know how you're feeling and that you've been trying for a long time but he's clearly not going to change. She probably knows more than you think about how you're feeling. My mum did.
Stay strong, lovely. Seek support from those around you and us here on MN. You can do this. It will get better in the long run.

Original poster

Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 06:14

I have no one but my lovely mum and children. No friends and i mean none at all. I feel like its too much for her right now. Shes just lost my dad 2018 and her sister a few months back to cancer. I cant tell her. I feel like i need to have everything sorted before i do as she will worry

OP posts:

PurpleFrames · 28/10/2019 06:17

Salaam Harmony

Please don't force yourself to a life on unhappiness because of thinking you have to be a good wife or good daughter in law. These ideas are common in our community but God does not want us to be miserable our whole lives. Do what is best for you and the children. Perhaps your H will realise he has to try harder with the DC when they are not there everyday for him to take for granted.

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 06:54

Personally I dont think it was crossed wires with the BiL, I think he was flirting with you but then sent that last message to cover his arse on the off chance someone saw the texts.

Be careful about fantasizing though. Hes also divorced and had the same upbringing as your husband presumably so...

Happymum12345 · 28/10/2019 07:12

Have you tried marriage counselling? For the sake of your dc it might be worth it.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 28/10/2019 07:18

Leave - and don't worry about your crush on your BIL.

This is just the result of being unhappy and unsupported at home, and being trapped within this family. When you are out of this situation, and preferably back to work that interests you and meeting and taking to people other than your immediate family, you will forget him.

You may find an affection for someone more suitable, or you may not, but you will definitely grow away from your fantasy BIL (remember that's ALL he is. I know he exists, but your lonely mind is building him up into something he isn't.)

Original poster

Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 07:26

Bil and DH are cut from the same cloth. But very different. Bil takes a lot of care of himself woth clothes, exercise etc very much about going out having fun.. Dh not sp much. Quite reserved and on the surface very family orientated. All words and no action . Wouldnt take things further with Bil even if he wanted. Just want to get out of this mess

OP posts:

swingofthings · 28/10/2019 07:43

I think you need to really think this through. The bankrpucy is an important factor. Yes, you might be able to find somewhere before, but what will happen if they decide to sale the property in 6 months time and you have to look somewhere and with the bankruptcy on your files, you then can't find anywhere, certainly nowhere close to your kids school or where you'd want to live.

If I were you, I'd focus on the debts first and see how you could avoid going bankrupt. Even with a job, this could leave you very vulnerable.

AnyOldPrion · 28/10/2019 07:45

I want to just find somewhere to rent and move in next week.

I did this (took a bit longer, but the essentials are the same) and have no regrets. It took me a while though, as I had to ensure stability for my child once we’d moved out.

I was offered space in a shelter. I would also have considered moving back into my parents’ if necessary.

I know it’s difficult, but if I was your mum, I’d want you to stay and not go back. I understand about the school, but you sound like you’re at the end of your tether, and perhaps need to put yourself first.

If you do go back, you have to start making solid plans for your escape. I didn’t tell my husband as I wanted to control the process and to have choices I wouldn’t have had if it had been a “negotiation” (which would never have been equal).

redbushtea · 28/10/2019 10:21

What is your current housing situation. Are you and DH renting? It would be easier if he moved out.

Original poster

Harmonyrays · 28/10/2019 10:58

So weve just spoken. Hes asking me to come back, saying hes changed and means it. Very apologetic and tearful. Admits he was wrong and has treated me badly. Hes said that if i come.back and find things are not right then i just need to just say and he will leave quietly i can stay in the house. No drama and we can seperate. But he thinks we need to give it a go.

I want to believe him but this is what he says sach time, maybe a bit more candid this time. So lost

OP posts:

Louise000000 · 28/10/2019 14:13

Currently a step in front of you as I've seperated from my Dh now and we are living together but seperate lives.
On reflection I think being in an unfulfilling relationship where you are unhappy, makes you act and think in ways you would never have thought you would! Especially when it comes to other men!! Forget all about the text, just laugh it off as a bit of a joke if it's ever brought up.

You are desperate for that spark, someone who wants you, someone you have a connection with!! Exactly the same as me!!
Although I know I have to be on my own with kids for a while now and work on myself before another relationship!

Is there any love left for your husband? Do you think you could get back to a good place with him?

Louise000000 · 28/10/2019 14:19

Also I know the feeling of 'he's not done anything that bad' cos my Dh has never been violent or anything. But the more subtle things can chip away at you like a slow burn until you get to the point where you can't take it anymore!
Everyone has their breaking point!

NurseButtercup · 28/10/2019 14:21

First of all, you deserve to be happy.

I'm not encouraging you to leave but you already have one foot out of the door.

Can you go and view the rental property that you mentioned and if you can, just stand quietly in each room and imagine life there with just you and your boys. See how you feel?

If you do decide to give him one more chance, would you and your husband consider marriage counseling? You could make this a condition of you coming back and make him book/pay for the appointments.

ISmellBabies · 28/10/2019 14:31

You're allowed to say no, you're allowed to say he's had enough chances and there's nothing left to work on any more. If it's too late, it's too late, no point dragging it out for yet another year while he tries to wear you down once again.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/10/2019 14:33

I’ve been in your shoes. Stayed with a man I was no longer in love with; didn’t want to split up my family. Things got worse and his financial irresponsibility crossed over into financial abuse. I ended up leaving via a refuge (obviously there’s more to the story but that’s the bones of it) and have never regretted it.
Go and see the rental property. See a solicitor if possible. Ditto a debt counsellor. Then at least you’ll make a decision with all the information in front of you.

SantaIsReal · 28/10/2019 14:59

Personally I think it worse for children to be in a situation where one or both parents are miserable which, no offence, it really does sound like you are.
He knows this is happening, it's not a surprise to him.

penisbeakers · 28/10/2019 15:33

Don't fall for his bullshit again. You know he won't change. Get out as soon as you can.

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