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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for how to deal with nightmare friend on holiday

98 replies

FizzyPink · 27/10/2019 23:30

Currently on holiday of a lifetime with a friend due to another friend having a wedding the other side of the world. I did a week on my own which was incredible and utter bliss, then this friend arrived on Friday and we have until Saturday night together when I fly home and she stays for another week.

She’s always been a difficult person but this trip has cemented that we won’t be friends when we get back home. She always has to be right about everything and gets upset and offended if you don’t want to do exactly what she does. Apologies for the stereotype but she’s the stereotypical headstrong, loud, bossy American character. You can’t say anything she doesn’t agree with or she’s either offended or just blanks you. She’s well known in our group for getting into strops and leaving events early for ridiculous reasons.

I have some food issues which mean I don’t eat loads or drink a lot. She’s massively into food and drink and so has booked fancy restaurants for the entire time we’re here. So today we have a surfing lesson from 2-6 and then have to rush back to get ready to go to a 5* seafood restaurant when all I’m going to want to do is chill! She also got in a huff with me at the wedding to the point where someone asked me if she was actually my friend because I decided to stop drinking at 11pm and then she walked 3 meters in front of me the whole way back to the hotel.

The problem is that it’s a different place every night kind of holiday so lots planned and not like I can just go off on my own easily. Please give me some coping strategies as I don’t want her to ruin my holiday but I also just can’t wait to get home now! She’s also not the type of person you can reason with and would be terribly upset if I mentioned what a bitch she is!

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 28/10/2019 09:31

Headaches, back aches, stomach aches - all are your friend here!!!! So long as she doesn't offer to 'look after you' in your room you should be able to wave her off then chill for the day/evening

cauliflowersqueeze · 28/10/2019 09:34

MissMarple I agree the OP is clearly happy on her own and independent etc. But negotiating a new situation with a forceful, loud, domineering unwanted (and apparently hugely organised) companion is pretty tricky I’d say. Easier if she could just not be there and OP could continue enjoying her holiday!

Apolloanddaphne · 28/10/2019 09:37

It sounds to me like you are doing some sort of road trip? If you are in the US (California?) you are going to be able to get motel rooms cheaply so you don't have to share.

As for the fancy restaurants, have a look at the ones she has booked, pick a couple you think are more your sort of thing, then tell her you will come with her to those ones but she will have top go to the others alone as you know they won't cater for your needs.

I do hope she is not one of these people who eats and drinks loads while you eat very little then expects the bill to be split 50:50?

humbugbug · 28/10/2019 09:43

Don't lie, it always ends up with more lies to cover for the initial ones. You won't have fun. Just say, "I don't fancy that, but you go ahead."
Or, if things are really so bad that you have no intention of being friends after you come back, just tell her you want to go separate ways now and have a week doing your own thing.

KurriKurri · 28/10/2019 09:45

Don't pretend to be ill - what on earth would that achieve - you having to stay in your room all the time? It is ridiculous. This is your holiday of a lifetime, this is your money she is wasting by not letting you do what you want to do.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do different things, but at the moment you are only doing what she wants, decide what you want to do and tell her you are doing it - she can do her thing on her own and so can you - you don't have to fall out over it.
Tell her fancy restaurants really aren;t your thing and you don;t want to spend your time or your money on them. Say 'I'm really keen to fit in all the things i really want to do this week because i'm going home on Saturday' then list the stuff you want to do. She can still do her thing but make it clear you will be doing your thing.

Don't ask her, tell her. And if she strops then she strops and you just say ' Its too big a holiday and too expensive for either of us not to be frank about what we would like to do'. You can make clear what you want. she can make clear what she wants, and you can both do them on your own. And you can probably find some mutually enjoyable things you can do together and share those. Make an itinterary, go through it and say things like 'I don't really want to do that I'd rather do this, so shall we go our separate ways for that evening and then meet up for breakfast ?' or whatever.

Don't lie your way into restricting your own holiday - people generally appreciate truth rather than feeble excuses. You have every right to say what you want to do, as does she, and where you differ you can do them on your own.

Wheresthebeach · 28/10/2019 09:51

You have to talk to her, and be really clear about what you want from your holiday.

If you don't want to get dressed up, say so. Don't mess around with pretend illness as you'll just be stressed having to continue to make shit up (as it were). It's much more freeing to say 'this is a really big holiday for me and I've my heart set on doing ABC, and I really am not going to spend a fortune in restaurants and get dressed up. Have a lovely time doing what you fancy '

supersop60 · 28/10/2019 09:54

I agree with many PP.
Don't lie because you will have to maintain it.
Do say "I'm going to do xx today. I'll meet you on the beach for surfing"
Just state what you are going to do (not what you'd want, or like, to do)
She can come along, or not.
If she suggests something you don't want to do, just say it doesn't work for you, and you'll see her later. Eg, go to the restaurant for pudding or whatever.
Oh, and go barefoot if you want to - why is she dictating that everyone dresses up? That's laughable.
Change rooms too. You wan't enjoy anything if you're lacking sleep.
Enjoy the final week of your holiday!

Lovemenorca · 28/10/2019 10:12

I randomly remember the OP from another thread because i found her post intriguing

I was at a friends recently and she’d cooked pasta and garlic bread so I took my own meal and I was shocked to see how much they were all consuming.

Op - do you think you may be behaving I’m such a way around food and drink that may warrant someone being a bit... pissed off with you? On the basis of the above comment you made, it could well be that you are

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 10:36

@Lovemenorca

Not sure it's nice to post OP's other post here?

And OP hasn't said anyone is pissed off with her. Sounds like she's too passive which has meant this 'friend' is dictating how they spend their time.

Lovemenorca · 28/10/2019 10:40

It says her friend got “in a huff” with her
Which I read to mean she was pissed off!

It is relevant because the OP says she has issues with food. This can mean the sufferer doesn’t quite realise the extent that their condition impacts on others. The OP brought her own dinner to a dinner party and was shocked by how much people ate. I wonder if this is more apparent than she thinks

PippiDeLena · 28/10/2019 10:51

Just tell her you want different things and then go off on your own. Why waste a huge holiday (my bet is Australia and you're driving the Great Ocean Road) doing things you don't want to do?

You're not going to be friends when you come home, and you're only storing resentment inside yourself by bottling things up. Say it's not working out, wish her well, adios, then go off alone. It doesn't have to be a huge showdown and you don't need her permission.

Illberidingshotgun · 28/10/2019 10:52

I think feigning illness is unnecessary and deceitful.

She may well be finding your time together difficult as well. Just be totally honest with her, and acknowledge that you are two very different people who want completely different things from a holiday. Explain what activities you do and don't want to do, and work together to create solutions or alternatives. For example, if she wants to go out for a big meal, suggest you meet her for a drink afterwards. It sounds like you're going to have to be quite firm with her, but you never know, you might end up with an improved relationship between the two of you, at this point you've got nothing to lose though.

Drum2018 · 28/10/2019 10:52

How on earth did you agree to spend this week with her when you know what she's like? You could have just continued to do your own thing. I'd get a separate room and cancel any further trips/meals with her. Hire your own car for the road trip or get a bus. Unless you can call her out on her childish behaviour there is no point wasting the rest of the week being miserable in her company.

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 10:57

It says her friend got “in a huff” with her

But OP explained why: her 'friend' was annoyed that OP stopped drinking at 11pm. You saying that her friend is pissed off at her because of the way she behaves around food and drink is sort of like victim blaming.

GhoulieBat · 28/10/2019 11:00

Also it's OK to not want to eat as much as someone else. If you want to eat more / richer food, you should be able to take that on board and just agree to eat differently, not put pressure on the person or blame/punish them. It's the same with drinking and smoking - people who want to do it feeling uncomfortable around those who don't and getting pushy and unpleasant about it - not nice.

MirandaGoshawk · 28/10/2019 11:02

She has no fear of making plans and being bossy so you have to stand up to her. This is your holiday too. sounds as if she can cope with straight talking so "That's not my thing, sorry" is the way to go. Meet up for the things you don't want to do, do your own thing for the others. Yes, ownb room is a defo. In the car, act as if all is fine. Don't give the impression that you are criticising her personally and it'll be fine :)

ChicCauldron · 28/10/2019 11:09

The OP knew what her friend was like yet still planned to spend a week with her.

That does make me suspicious that the OP is one of those friends that likes to throw a hand grenade in at the end complaining that she's had a terrible time and is the victim when it is too late for the alleged 'bully' to do anything about it.

Clearly I'm in the minority here, while the majority of the posters think feigning illness is the way to go on a PLANNED HOLIDAY THAT THE OP KNEW ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 11:09

I just don’t understand why women are so meek.

There is no way on God’s earth I would go on a road trip with this woman. Nor be forced to fork out for food I don’t want to eat.

Pull the plug on the whole thing and have the holiday you want.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 11:10

And not by feigning illness. Just find some big girl pants and put them on.

honeygirlz · 28/10/2019 11:11

I just don’t understand why women are so meek.

Me too! And usually the given reason is 'I'm non-confrontational'.

fireworksandhotdogs · 28/10/2019 11:11

I also agree with @DefConOne. From what you have said it sound like there is any compromise from either of you. Sounds like you're totally incompatible. I love to relax on holiday but I also like to get out and explore a bit otherwise what's the point?

Some people like action and adventure, some like to chill and some like a combination of both.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 11:13

And usually the given reason is 'I'm non-confrontational

And what’s wrong with confrontation? I like it.

ymf117 · 28/10/2019 11:34

Suggest that she can go next week or go alone this week. Tell her that you want to revisit places you went to last week.

Motoko · 28/10/2019 11:55

Also, why does everything have to be a "confrontation"? What's wrong with a difference of opinion, or different likes and dislikes?

Original poster

FizzyPink · 29/10/2019 02:32

So to clear up the food issues, all I meant was that I don’t like eating huge portions and three meals a day in fancy restaurants would leave me feeling extremely sick! I’d be much happier going for a casual bite or fish and chips for example.
The comment posted above was in regards to carbs as I’m keto, I wasn’t suggesting eating both garlic bread and pasta is terrible, just too much for me to face!
Yes we’re on a road trip for the next 4 nights, not the US but a similar well known route. She’s actually been a lot better in the last day and I’ve taken a number of opportunities to spend time on my own. She also appears to be running out of money until she gets paid which will be after I’ve left on Saturday so hopefully we can have some more relaxed meals for the rest of the trip!
I don’t think making up lies or excuses is going to help much as we’re driving to different locations each night for the rest of the trip so I think I’m just going to have to put up with it and remember we’re not good holiday companions in future!

OP posts:

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