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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step kids

78 replies

Zoeangel123 · 27/10/2019 15:55

Hi so my partner has his children nights a week, these 3 days he works and he expects me to look after the kids as well as my own. Iv told him to change his days so he’s at home but he won’t doesn’t want to cause an argument with kids mother. Kids even say it’s pointless coming to see him when he’s not here but there mother makes them stay, I do everything for them cook, clean, iron uniform, pack ups literally everything plus work part time. He never watches my kids causes arguments said he’s been at work all day, I never ever get a break from my kids or he’s, even when I’m ill he never says I will tell kids to stay at home this weekend. He never asks if I have plans or if I mind watching them it’s just expected. It’s literally draining me out and everytime I mention anything he causes an argument, am I really been selfish? He jumps when kids mother says so but yet doesn’t think of me.

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 19:43

They are all bullying you

Darkstar4855 · 27/10/2019 19:48

Why are you ironing and making lunch for an 18yo? They should be doing stuff by themselves at that age.

LadyMinerva · 27/10/2019 19:48

Nothing will change. Ever.

Your girls will grow up believing that this is how women are treated.

The kids may all eventually grow up and leave home but he will find something else to bully you about. That's if he sticks around when he no longer needs his unpaid nanny.

Do you want this to be the rest of your life? And the same future for your girls? Break the cycle now for your girls sake.

Lizzie0869 · 27/10/2019 20:18

I agree with PPs that he's treating you like an unpaid nanny and that it's time to stop letting him take the piss. You deserve so much better and so do your DC.

funinthesun19 · 27/10/2019 20:29

Him taking advantage of you is not her problem.

This kind of attitude is so petty. If I knew my children’s father was leaving all of the donkey work regarding our children to his partner, I would sympathise and at least give him bloody earful. I wouldn’t be sat there all smug saying it’s not my problem.

Because if he’s not being a good and involved father, then it kind of is the mum’s problem.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/10/2019 20:31

She is not your issue. By blaming her and focusing on her you are letting him away wirh treating you like shit. What she does on her time with the kids is her business and non of yours. Same way as when the kids are on their dad's time it's none of hger business.

Your partner is a shit dad. You can't blame that on his ex.

lunar1 · 27/10/2019 20:34

What everyone else said-focusing on his ex will get you no where. You can't control what she does. You can only be responsible for your decisions.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 20:39

I know it’s not her problem but when her kids are saying they don’t want to stay because they are not seeing there dad that is her problem because she’s making them stay knowing he’s not going to be here, her kids have done all sorts of stuff to try get out of sleeping but she is not bothered, she even once said to me I shouldn’t be doing everything but yet she can’t even tell him what her own kids say about him not been here

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/10/2019 20:47

She is not the problem!!

Him not being around for access with his children is the problem. He's a shit dad. Maybe it's a large part of the reason they separated? Maybe she was a single mother anyway when they were together so she separated and insisted he takes his children and does his fair share. Except now, much like when they were together, he's shirking his responsibilities and leaving it up to you.

I admire her for sticking to her guns and not picking up his slack. You're going to have to do the same.

Stephminx · 27/10/2019 20:56

Your focus on the mother is a red herring. She’s sticking to contact arrangements made for the benefit of hers / your partners children. And parenting doesn’t stop at 18 by the way. You got involved with a man with children and moved in together - your house is therefore also their house.

However, Your kids are miserable about 50% of the time based on the time the step kids are at your house. The current arrangements are not working for you or your kids.

The answer is not to ban the step kids from their home, but to make your “partner” parent them, look after them and teach them respect for everyone in the house, including you and your kids. He should also lead by example in this regard. But the other side of that is for you / tour kids to respect their right to be in their home too.

If you can’t all do this, where is the future in this relationship ? Sounds a bit like he’s using you as free childcare to me...

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 21:27

I wouldn’t ban he’s kids from coming it is there house too, but also how does he find it acceptable that I have to take my 10 year old out of he’s own bed to sleep in my room just for the sake of the 18 year old to keep the peace it’s like we have to please him and he’s kids. It’s like we are constantly walking on egg shells and no parenting doesn’t stop at 18 but he shouldn’t be sharing a bedroom with a 10 year old and acting like a spoilt child by waking 10 year old up on school nights by throwing things at him, shaking bed and shouting because 10 year old is breathing heavy

BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 27/10/2019 21:42

Forget about their mother. What you think she should/shouldn’t do, should/shouldn’t care about or think is irrelevant.

The only thing that matters is that they come and stay and their father sanctions it.

I’m not in the uk so I’m unfamiliar with how the allotment of housing works- but if I understand correctly, there is a room for the girls, a room for the boys, but that allocation was made before son reached 18- now he’s 18 does he lose the ‘right’ to that bedroom under the council? Not that it matters, that behaviour is unacceptable and your son has a right to safety in his own home.

Manicpixiedreambitch · 27/10/2019 21:54

Dear god, look in to renting your own place and dispense with all this drama.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 22:15

A boy and girl can share up to age of 10, 2 boys or 2 girls can share to 16 so yes he really shouldn’t be in same room. Council won’t give us bigger house because he’s kids don’t live here permanently and said 18 year old doesn’t have to stay he could get he’s own flat and to be honest all bigger houses are in rough area, where I am now is 2 mins to school and every thing else is pretty close by

Chloe84 · 27/10/2019 22:22

OP, whose name is on the tenancy? Could you kick him out?

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 22:31

Both names on tenancy, when iv told him to leave before he won’t go basically said it’s his house because he pays most of the bills, he will be more than happy for me to leave with younger kids than him go

Chloe84 · 27/10/2019 22:32

Could you call the council and explain the situation, OP?

If they change the tenancy to your name then he has no choice but to leave.

Don’t tell him this is what you’re doing.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 23:00

I’m not sure if that would work with me only working part time I don’t have enough money to provide for my kids and pay all bills, I’m at that point where I’m just thinking of going to stay with a family member and letting him stay here

OrangeTwirl · 27/10/2019 23:12

Put your own kids first. This guy doesnt respect you, your child is being put out of his own room by a moody 18yo, and you are acting as a babysitter for two CF parents

This ^^
I'm not the type to say LTB. All relationships need to be worked at. BUT ....you are being used as free childcare by 2 CF's.

Look after your own kids and let them look after theirs. 18 is an adult BTW. He doesn't need looking after. Nor should he be sharing a room with your LO. It's time he grew up and made his own way in life.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 23:15

I know he shouldn’t share but have no choice because he still comes over to sleep, I do also have a 4 year old boy who sleeps in my room because 18 year old is in with 10 year old but partners not bothered about that either yet moans when youngest is stuck to me because he’s constantly with me even at bedtime

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 09:51

Can you imagine these sleeping arrangements for a week's holiday? And you think actually living like this is tolerable/acceptable?
If school have mind to they could report you to ss. Your dc's most basic needs aren't being met op.... Imo they are being neglected.
Take this seriously.. Before you risk losing them.

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 09:58

God almighty.
Is the 4 year old his?

Zoey123 · 28/10/2019 12:29

4 year old is his, and school and council already know the sleeping arrangements said most young kids still share a room with parents but I usually both my children in my bed and I sleep on sofa

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 28/10/2019 12:55

Ask him what would he do if you weren't here to look after them?
because if this keeps going the way it is, I wont be

Your a nanny, babysitter, maid and bed partner. Hes utterly taking the piss out of you.

I had it with my ex, it was hard leaving him, but it was the best thing I've ever done in my life

Zoey123 · 28/10/2019 13:06

I did say that and he said he’s done it all before without me, yet he had a totally different job different hours so it ain’t the same

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