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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step kids

78 replies

Zoeangel123 · 27/10/2019 15:55

Hi so my partner has his children nights a week, these 3 days he works and he expects me to look after the kids as well as my own. Iv told him to change his days so he’s at home but he won’t doesn’t want to cause an argument with kids mother. Kids even say it’s pointless coming to see him when he’s not here but there mother makes them stay, I do everything for them cook, clean, iron uniform, pack ups literally everything plus work part time. He never watches my kids causes arguments said he’s been at work all day, I never ever get a break from my kids or he’s, even when I’m ill he never says I will tell kids to stay at home this weekend. He never asks if I have plans or if I mind watching them it’s just expected. It’s literally draining me out and everytime I mention anything he causes an argument, am I really been selfish? He jumps when kids mother says so but yet doesn’t think of me.

OP posts:

Sotiredofthislife · 27/10/2019 17:37

You sound lovely OP but they are both completely using you

It has nothing to do with mum at all. She has an agreement with her ex about contact with the children. Not her fault if he leaves the children with the OP.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 17:42

The mother knows he’s not there he’s at work, she knows it’s me what does everything even kids tell her she’s not bothered as long as she gets her break

hellotabitha · 27/10/2019 17:43

You need to put your foot down, this isn’t fair on anyone especially your kids. I’d literally refuse to be there and not do any of their jobs. He needs to change the days he has the kids so he can be there.

Drum2018 · 27/10/2019 17:49

He's not going to change the arrangement so you need to decide whether you wish to put up with it for the next few years or dump him. I know what I'd do - start looking into ways of getting your own place sorted for you and your kids.

funinthesun19 · 27/10/2019 17:52

The mother knows he’s not there he’s at work, she knows it’s me what does everything even kids tell her she’s not bothered as long as she gets her break

They both sound selfish. If she knows full well it’s you who does everything and is happy with that just because she wants her break, then she’s bang out of order as well as him. What would they both do if you suddenly became unavailable?

You should make yourself unavailable.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 17:56

It was only this week I told him to speak to kids mother because I am not doing it anymore, so they need to sort something else out, it’s school holiday so will have them all day from today until Wednesday tea time, I haven’t been feeling too well going to ring docs tomorrow so I said they will have to go home so I can go to docs he said can’t you take them with you or wait until they have gone, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells round them, they take over the house my child won’t go in he’s room because of 18 year old they constantly turn tv over or lay all over sofas, I tell them off they don’t listen or storm off upstairs as soon as dad comes in they run telling tale

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 17:58

She does know it’s all me, she used to come in my house talking about kids dad etc I told her that the 18 year old didn’t want to sleep and to be fair he’s to old to be sharing with 10 year old so she said well it’s only break I get while he’s under her roof he will still have to come stay at his dads

GruciusMalfoy · 27/10/2019 18:03

Put your own kids first. This guy doesnt respect you, your child is being put out of his own room by a moody 18yo, and you are acting as a babysitter for two CF parents.

Gin96 · 27/10/2019 18:07

Did you not discuss this before you moved in together? There is no way I would be looking after someone else’s children on a regular basis, which means your children get less time with me unless someone was paying me to do so. Why did you agree to this?

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 18:12

I did not agree to this, I didn’t mind a few times whilst work was busy now it’s just expected like I said he said he can’t put a roof over our heads etc unless I look after kids, but I never ever expect him to look after mine, no matter how many times iv mentioned this it turns in to an argument. He said my 10 year old doesn’t have more rights in this house than he’s 18 year old

Applesanbananas · 27/10/2019 18:18

And the big question is why are you fool enough to go along with this?

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 18:28

All he kept saying was his oldest won’t be staying much longer think that was before he was 16, now all he says is that’s he’s child it doesn’t matter if he’s 18 or 22 if he still wants to stay then he can

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2019 18:52

My children are not miserable apart from when other kids come and have to share bedrooms

So quite miserable then. If you won’t make changes because you don’t think you deserve them then do it for your poor children.

Why would you have to take an 18 year old with you to a doctor appointment? Can’t he be trusted to stay at home for an hour?

Your so called partner isn’t your boss OP. You’re an adult and a mother with responsibilities for your children’s home life. Step up and move out!

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 18:55

Because things started going missing out of house so none of them can be trusted on there own. My youngest was just watching tv and his daughter came in and turned it over so now little ones moaning and all partner said was he didn’t turn it over, thinking of getting my stuff and heading to a family members with my kids

glitterfarts · 27/10/2019 19:03

Put YOUR children first and LEAVE.

You're just a housekeeper and nanny to this man.

Go out - the 18 year old can look after his siblings.

When they are here, just go stay elsewhere.

Seriously, move out.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 27/10/2019 19:05

It sounds like you have already tried to speak to him about it and nothing has changed.

He is treating you like a skivvy and not a partner, he thinks because he earns more than you he can boss you about and it sounds like his kids are copying him. He doesnt take into account any money / before you save him in childcare.

I think if you can, I'd leave. The worst thing is his attitude towards your children, you cant move in with someone and act as a family then refuse to watch after their children. I would guess they would not be that close as yours will pick up on it. If you asked your child would they like to stay or go and love somewhere else with just you, what would they say? If they would say go, I'd leave...I dont think they will ever have a relationship with him given his attitude

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 27/10/2019 19:11

Put YOUR children first and LEAVE.

Seconded.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 19:12

I have just spoke to him and said I’m not here to look after your kids they come to see you so you should have them etc and he flipped said they don’t need looking after yet they treat this house like a doss hole and do nothing for them self, and basically give me an ear full

emilybrontescorsett · 27/10/2019 19:18

Op can you look into ten to g your own home. A smaller place for you and your son?
I'm the meantime is there anywhere you can stay with your son ,even for one night , when his kids next come round?
Tell him you won't be there on x night and mean it.
He will probably kick off but so what?
His 18 year sounds vile and quite frankly neither parent is doing a good job. His father doesn't spend time with him and doesn't discipline him. His mother can't wait to get rid of him.

Don't let him persuade you.
The next time his kids are due to sleep, go out, let him deal with them.

Livelovebehappy · 27/10/2019 19:27

He needs to step up and make arrangements to be with his kids on days that he’s free. But I don’t agree that it’s anything to do with his ex. Your DP is probably paying maintenance to his ex based on the amount of shared care they have in place. What he does as far as child care is concerned on his days is really nothing to do with his ex, just like what she has in place on her days is nothing to do with you and your DP.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/10/2019 19:28

His ex is right. The children have access with their father. Why should she pick up his slack? He's her ex. They're his children. She's a single parent who needs a break and sticks to the agreement. Him taking advantage of you is not her problem.

You say on one hand your kids aren't miserable, only when others come into their rooms... But it seems that happens a lot. Almost half of the week. These kids come in and take over. And whilst I agree to a point that it is also their home, there seems to be no respect or no boundaries. In a regular family setup you would be able to tell off the older ones to leave the smaller one alone, but that's not going to work for you.

Can you go away somewhere for a few days? Visit family? Leave them all to it and consider your options.

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 19:29

He’s kids are here now, as I said he’s daughter came in turned telly over on my youngest who was watching it, so youngest has gone to play upstairs and iv literally packed a bag to go stay somewhere because I’m sick of been took for a mug and spoke to like poo on bottom of someone’s shoe,

Zoey123 · 27/10/2019 19:33

Yes she needs a break but she ain’t bothered I don’t get a break to be honest I think she just laughs about it, she also gets a break when her kids sleep at her mothers on a Saturday or her aunties so to be fair she gets more than a break, my youngest who was 4 caught swine flu off 18 year old and ended up in hospital so I told her not to send kids down I’ll guess what she still sends them so to me that means all she’s bothered about is her break not anybody else let alone a small child

Leeds2 · 27/10/2019 19:38

I know it's not the answer, but could you take your DC away for the weekend next weekend? To their grandparents, a B&B, hotel - and tell OH that you will not be at home to look after his DC.
Apart from the 18 year old, I don't know how old the step children are but, assuming that they are all teens, stop making their packed lunches and doing their laundry. As long as you give them advance warning, they are old enough to do their own.
If the 18 year old is at school, I assume he is in his final year. What is he doing in September? Thinking that the problem will ease if he is going off to university.

Gin96 · 27/10/2019 19:39

Why on earth did you move in with this man, did you have your own house before you met him?

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