Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Are looks really that threatening?

65 replies

Halloweenmaz · 27/10/2019 15:37

I am very prepared to be flamed. I remember a thread a year or two ago where a lady said she felt she got dirty looks from other women as she was pretty. Well this is kind of the same.

I feel like us women as very much in contest with each other and instead of supporting and building each other up we will make snide comments, stab each other in the back and tear each other down.

IME women who i have been friends with and considered my best friends have stabbed me in the back. Bullying me, leaving me out, going after my exes, talking behind my back. Maybe i am too nice, maybe they feel threatened by me. I dont know why because well my life is far from perfect.

This is not a stealth boast but i have been told im a pretty woman, but i lack confidence, self esteem and have bad anxiety. Women assume i should be outgoing and judge me, therefore i get called stuck up. Are women really that threatened by looks? Because obviously there is more to a person than just the outside.

AIBU to feel sad that this has happened to me and i feel my "friends" are not truly there for me?

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 15:39

Not sure what influence looks play, but good friends are sure hard to come by.

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2019 15:42

You just need to surround yourself with nicer women.

Original poster

Halloweenmaz · 27/10/2019 15:49

Feel like maybe i didnt come across what i'm trying to say very well. I guess i'm saying i get very judged by the way i look. People expect me to be a certain way based on the way i look. I'm a quiet, not very confident and geeky person.

I i guess its true i do need to surround myself with better people.

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 27/10/2019 16:08

How do you know you get judged by the way you look? Has someone specifically told you that’s how they judge you or are you just assuming?

Original poster

Halloweenmaz · 27/10/2019 16:29

Yes I have people use the "Oh i didn't think you'd be like this when I first met you"
Guy once said to me when I was a teenager from that song "you're fit but my gosh, don't you know it"
I've been called stuck up "look at her she thinks she's so pretty and amazing"
An old best friend began copying my outfits exactly the same.
A friend when we have been out has made a comment "why do you get all the men looking at you, I get no attention".

I'm not trying to stealth boast. These things that have been said and done to me have really upset me. It's not like I go around thinking in great and the best looking at all!! I feel like now I shy away and have gone into my self so much because of all these comments made at me.

OP posts:

HotSince82 · 27/10/2019 16:32

I hear you OP.
Unfortunately you can't talk about this openly without people wanting to rip you to shreds, we're supposed to pretend this doesn't happen, so get your hard hat on.

Original poster

Halloweenmaz · 27/10/2019 16:37

@hotsince82 thanks, yes I saw a thread kind of similar and the poor women got flamed so badly.

An example who I can really relate to is megan Barton hanson. She's talked about her depression and anxiety. Being socially awkward and shy but being judged for her looks and being on tv. People assume she's the most confident person in the world. Yet she gets trolled so badly because she isn't that person people expect her to be.

OP posts:

Asta19 · 27/10/2019 16:40

I judge women the same as I judge men. It’s all about personality. I have known pretty women who are lovely people. Warm and friendly and it radiates out from them. You can’t help but like them. I have also known very bitchy pretty women. But likewise the same applies to those of average looks. It’s likely your lack of confidence etc is being misinterpreted. This is nothing to do with your looks. I’m very very average and have also had all the things you describe happen to me.

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 16:42

To be fair Megan didnt come across well to a lot of people when she was on love island.

People tell me I am not how they expect me to be. Especially at work. Nothing to do with attractiveness.

However, if several people have said you come across as a bit up yourself, then perhaps they are right?

It could be facial expression. I have an excellent resting bitch face. As does my dad. I was in my 30s before I became aware, really. Now I use it to my advantage and people rarely fuck with me, but i make an effort to not have that facial expression all the time. It puts people off you and causes problems. Mainly at work.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/10/2019 16:46

Yanbu. I remember chatting to a colleague about louise l hayes meditation, she said gosh Emerald you really should share your interests more, people wont assume you have a barbie brain like your look.
At the Christmas party before spouse's were band, I have had women dislike me immediately. There was many spouse's with a brain who didn't assume I was after their husband we always had a merry time.
Now i am near 40, still holding ok for my age.
Though the disadvantages with men are worse, they think they can make inappropriate jokes, only last night a man in work was discussing single lets for men, I don't know him very well and he said I bet lots of wanking happens in there.
I dress appropriately to work leggings boots jumper not a leotard, I dont understand why my look allows certain conversations or judgement.

Herbalteahippie · 27/10/2019 16:47

YANBU I use to have this when I was younger- I’d get slagged off but when others got to know me some would say ‘‘the others said you ‘love yourself’ but you’re really nice and funny!’’ - or stuff like ‘ I didn’t like you at first because you’ve got such a good figure’ people can be shallow, can’t please everyone.

HotSince82 · 27/10/2019 16:53

When you are significantly more conventionally attractive than average, you have to be twice as nice, accomodating, friendly and self deprecating than other women. Or you will find it hard to make and keeo friends.
Its an uncomfortable truth but women have been pitted against each other and socialised to compete on a level of physical attributes for generations.
Old habits die hard.

lazylinguist · 27/10/2019 17:31

I think women judge other women far more on their 'look' than their actual natural level of prettiness. I suspect that someone who is very pretty but understated/natural in the way they present themselves will get much less negative attention from other women.

lakequeen · 27/10/2019 17:34

The combination of pretty and quiet/shy is definitely often misconstrued as standoffish in my experience.

Original poster

Halloweenmaz · 27/10/2019 17:36

Thanks everyone I think you get what I mean. @hotsince92 this is EXCATLY it! I don't think people talk about this hidden competitiveness. It's there!

I was speaking to a guy friend and he was talking about the school run. He said he was talking to a group of women who he had become friendly with. One day they were all bitchy about this pretty lady on her own coming to pick her son up. He questioned why they were being so mean about her when they didn't know her. The answer they said was "Because she's pretty, l0ok at her she thinks she's amazing"
Just proved me right. And I am dreading the school run next year because I won't have time to really speak much to the mums as I'm a lone single working mum. Really dreading it

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 17:41

And I am dreading the school run next year because I won't have time to really speak much to the mums as I'm a lone single working mum. Really dreading it

Easy to say, but literally - what other people (especially wrongly!) think of you is none of their business.

Thank you for posting this thread OP. I'd describe myself as like you.

Plus add in big boobs in my 20s and I was apparently a snobby yet somehow 'cheap' bitch.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 17:42

*none of YOUR business - that should say, arrgh!

beingmum39 · 27/10/2019 17:43

I once had someone say that they saw a picture of me before they met me in person and they said to themselves "she's really pretty, bet she's a bitch" they were then shocked that I wasn't a bitch and to this day we are still great friends...

Some people do judge based on looks, but how can you comment on what someone is like unless you meet them???

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2019 17:46

"An example who I can really relate to is megan Barton hanson. She's talked about her depression and anxiety. Being socially awkward and shy but being judged for her looks and being on tv. People assume she's the most confident person in the world. Yet she gets trolled so badly because she isn't that person people expect her to be."

Well she has put herself in that life and gone on tv shows that are m, essentially, all about looks so I kind of feel like if she didn't want that kind of attention she should have made different choices.

DianneWhatcock · 27/10/2019 18:02

I hear you op

I definitely know women who feel threatened and hate other women who are beautiful

😔 sad

Muckycat · 27/10/2019 18:16

I understand. I'm no supermodel but am both quite attractive and sometimes a bit reserved/ introverted. It has led to some pleasantly surprised comments when I have turned out to be nice and some rather nasty judgments including at work and memorably by an ex of my brother's who I always used to seem to cross paths with. All 'who does she think she is' etc.

I've noticed a lot less of it since I've gained some weight through medication.

Merryoldgoat · 27/10/2019 18:21

I’ve usually been ‘ugly friend’ and never had an issue with the beauties because they’ve been nice and not twats. Also, I’m perfectly secure in the person I am. Not gorgeous but funny, nice, intelligent and worthy of anyone’s time so I don’t compare myself.

Either the problem is them or it’s you.

You seem sure it’s not you and I have no reason to disbelieve you, so it’s them. Ditch them and make some real friends.

EvaHarknessRose · 27/10/2019 18:29

It's like big muscly men often get challenged to fights in bars however gentle and unassuming they are (I knew one). I know a young girl who already knows, age 13, that she will get picked out and challenged by other girls at parties based on her looks. She gets a lot of street harassment and abusive behaviour from boys too. I guess in both examples they are perceived as powerful/high status and so worth challenging. Group dynamics.

thisneverendingsummer · 27/10/2019 18:37

@Halloweenmaz

Is that you Samantha Brick?

thisneverendingsummer · 27/10/2019 18:37

@Halloweenmaz

Is that you Samantha Brick???

SHE thinks she's so amazingly beautiful that all women are not very nice to her, because they are jealous of her, and 'threatened' by her.

Sometimes, it's simply because they don't like you, because they don't think you're a very nice person. To assume women don't like you because they're jealous of your looks is laughable.

I'm know a number of attractive women, with a nice figure, (who get attention and admiring looks from men,) and they don't get other women being funny or rude towards them.

I have certainly never heard anyone say (to a person who is physically attractive) 'oh I thought you'd be a bitch or a bit of an arsehole.

As I said, if people are a bit off or hostile, it could be because they just don't like you. I mean, it's hard to warm to someone who thinks of themselves as really attractive, and claims 'people are soooo jealous of me.'

As for Ms Brick - when I heard that she thinks other women are jealous of her looks,' I went to look at her on google, and it took me a week to stop laughing when I saw her.

I mean.... REALLY??? 😂

Flip

1 2 3