Affairs? Those that have them are you stupid?

[sayalittlerayer]

Now, my ex who I detested anyway had an affair so off he trotted many years ago and my god did I wish that woman all the luck in the world and said prayers to god that she had saved me (seriously I did)
Now I'm in what I trust is a truly loving, secure and respectful relationship although that has taken me many years to believe after the damage that was done by the fat, ugly piece of crap....
anyway, am I being slightly unreasonable to think that men who have affairs are pissed off with their wives because they go on at them to help out with the kids, around the house etc etc etc
And the woman wonder off because the man she's married to doesn't give a a shit about her well being????
So eventually when these affairs have happened and they're living happily ever after don't they just end up in the same old scenario?

Well I think people have affairs for an infinite number of reasons. Your argument is a bit reductionist.

You are obviously much better off now and thanking your lucky stars for that. He is not worth the headspace.

Perhaps i am stereotyping massively, but I'm just thinking that a woman may stray from her marriage because her partners not giving what she needs on the relationship ad a man may stray from his relationship because he wants someone who doesn't want that from him, but after the shenanigans, fun and lack of reality as worn off they are left in the same circumstances and therefore will repeat their behaviours

I'm sure that's true for some people, but there are millions of other reasons too.

But you've found a good new partner by the sounds of it. Enjoy that. Trusting takes time but is so worth it.

The people that I know that have affairs do so because they can and because its exciting and different to their normal life. Not because they want to replace their wife or husband

I think there are lots of reasons why people have affairs tbh - from resenting their spouse for something through not feeling listened to, "thrill of the chase", sexual incompatibility, ego, even opportunism.

Not everyone who has affairs has children.
Men and women both have affairs.

fat, ugly piece of crap - but you were happy with him before he left you for someone else?

Are you sure you’ve moved on? I’d concentrate on your new happier life and not dwell on your ex.

The thing that gets me is that there is a problem (mostly) so someone is unhappy (mostly - on the basis that if you're in a happy, loving, stable relationship you're probably not on the market), so why not either sort out the source of the unhappiness or leave? Don't have an affair. Just leave. Or make it better and talk it through. Affairs make everything so much worse. So much more rancorous. Just be a grown up and deal with it. One way or the other.

I accept I'm a bit hard line on this one though and probably on my own .....!

being slightly unreasonable to think that men who have affairs are pissed off with their wives because they go on at them to help out with the kids, around the house etc etc etcAnd the woman wonder off because the man she's married to doesn't give a a shit about her well being????

So when men have affairs, it's because they constantly let their wives down and the wives wont stand for it and so challenge them on it

When women have affairs, its because they are constantly letting their wives down by nor caring about her. So that's the mans fault too?

Seriously?

I think YABU to be honest.

Although I think it is wrong to have an affair - if you are unhappy either work at fixing things or leave - but I don't think it means someone is stupid

Why would you think that the next relationship will be exactly like the previous one? I don't really get your argument. I don't think people should stay in unhappy relationships if they would be happier single or with someone else.

Annelovesgilbert, it was an abusive relationship in many ways

I think most affairs are being people have no self control, want to feel wanted and find it thrilling.

Well I had one and I am not stupid. I don't regret it. It showed me what it's like to feel affection, be relaxed in a man's company, to laugh. It gave me the courage to leave my marriage even though the affair fizzled out. Don't judge until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

People who have affairs are pieces of shit. Regardless of whether they are a man or woman.

Affairs can be beneficial. I know a woman whose marriage was in name only but she felt she should stay with her husband while the children were settled in schools and so on. She had an affair with a man who was in much the same situation. It worked out well for everyone.

Everyone is different. There are a multitude of reasons, and no not all relarionships end up unhappy. I'm sorry op. Your simplistic view isn't realistic.

Absolutely there are affairs that happen because people are so unhappy and abused, I don't think they are stupid at all, i wish i had had the courage to of got out

I am very anti affair... But you sound really bitter and silly with this view of yours.

I dont think there is one answer to your question. People have affairs for a myriad of reasons.

1. Some people are just narcissistic and entitled and want their cake and eat it- they'll likely carry on cheating on every partner they have, no matter how wonderful/gorgeous/loving their partner is.
2. Some people simply grow apart and end up feeling more like brother and sister than lovers. Those people then meet someone they fancy like crazy and BOOM- they have an affair. Maybe it works out long term, maybe it doesnt. All depends on how compatible they are
3. Some people are adrenaline junkies and crave danger and excitement, they simply "can't do" daily domesticity year in, year out so will probably remain on an never-ending quest for self destruction and excitement until the day they die, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.
4. Some people have partners who might be physically unable to have sex for medical reasons/psychological reasons and they have affairs because even though they love their partner, they need some kind of physical intimacy.

See where I'm going with this? there are a million reasons why someone might have an affair and some people are doomed to keep on cheating and repeating their mistakes over and over again. Others, might have an affair and realise that person is the love of their life and remain faithful forever after. It really depends.

Well I've never cheated but I know what would make me want to. Its not about the guy not listening to me or understanding me, if that was it I'd just leave.

I can imagine it because of the excitement of being taken outside yourself - for a brief period you are being seen and seduced and interacted with in a way your partner cant provide, because you are entirely new and unknown to somebody. All of a sudden your baggage disappears, you arent familiar, somebody is seeing you for the first time, you are exploring a new body for the very first time.

I'm not romanticising it I'm just saying that's what I personally would see myself getting out of an affair. But i wouldnt actually do it because of morals.

YABU, OP. People have affairs for many, many reasons.

People who have affairs are pieces of shit

I'd say that was in itself a pretty shitty thing to say, perkypink.

And YAB far more U than the OP is.

People are human, nobody knows what goes on in anybody's relationship, yes there are those that always think that the grass on the other side is greener. Sometimes it's greener because more manure has been spread there. When they get there they may realise that they're up to their knees in shit. Their life, their choice.
The only person I'd judge for having an affair is my husband. I'm in my shoes and I know what my life is like.

Then he did you a favour by leaving. Why are you dwelling?

Lots of people have affairs for different reasons. Many find monogamy boring or impossible.

I don't give a shit @nobdie.

If you have an affair you're a coward and I sincerely hope that those who do it are cheated on themselves someday.

There is nothing more hurtful that trusting your partner. Some would say the closest person too you to find out they're sharing the intimate part of your relationship with someone else.