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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a little off for the NRP to Do this.

35 replies

IWillJustKeepQuietThen · 26/10/2019 17:46

So my DB is the NRP.
He has his dcs Fri to Sun eow

He has said that the next fortnight he has the dcs, the whole day sat he's going to an event and the dcs staying with the SM

The fortnight after he's got tickets as a gift to see a show on the Fri night, Grandparents having the dcs

The fortnight after Fri night is a family meal for a special birthday. The dcs could go but unlikely they'll eat much of the food so they may stay with GP then the Saturday night he has a party so the SM having them.

The fortnight after he's working the Saturday night but isn't compulsory as it's a 2nd job which is more ' fun' . ( weekend before Xmas)

That's every weekend up till Xmas.
Turns out he's only going to put the dcs to bed when they are with him 3 nights between now and Xmas.

I've said this seems a little out of order especially as he's wanting more time with them. But trying to make him see that the court won't see it that way..
I know leading up to Xmas they're things like Xmas dos that can't be avoided but this is every weekend in nov and Dec that it appears they're being palmed off.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 26/10/2019 18:24

He sounds like a shit father. Sorry Op.

Henhophouse · 26/10/2019 18:27

He sounds like he’s the NRP for a reason. What a poor excuse for a parent.

sittingonacornflake · 26/10/2019 18:28

I feel bad for their mum who is probably desperate to have them and missing out on that time so they can just be palmed off on other relatives!

BanginChoons · 26/10/2019 18:28

What does the mum think? Does she use this time for a break or to go to work? Or would she rather they were with her?

I think contact time should be primarily spent with the parent and I wouldn't be happy with my kids being pushed from pillar to post. I just think how exhoused mine would be with this arrangement and not even get to spend time with their dad. It's nice that they get to spend time with their grandparents as long as things are settled and comfortable there for them there.

BanginChoons · 26/10/2019 18:29

Echoused = exhausted

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 26/10/2019 18:31

Is he actively trying to get more contact? Shock does he want 50/50?

Potplant · 26/10/2019 18:31

At least he’s making arrangements to look after them. My ExH just says he’s not having them when he’s got something else on and they stay with me. If I get more than 48 hours notice I’m doing well.

I also hear from mutual friends how upset he is that he doesn’t see them often and how awful I am because I’ve got easy because I see them all time!

Aren't some men shit?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/10/2019 18:32

I'm all for parents still being able to maintain a social life but I'm confused why he doesn't ask the mum of the kids to swap weekends if he is that busy.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 26/10/2019 18:34

My DCs dad used to do this. (He doesn’t bother with them at all now) They used to come back moaning that dad wasn’t even there, just SM or granny or they had to stay with SMs parents. At first it was a novelty for them to stay with someone else but they got bored really quickly. They hated having to be shunted about from pillar to post instead of just chilling at their dads.

museumum · 26/10/2019 18:35

It’s a bit crap. But good it’s mostly the GPS having them. Nice for them to get that time with their GPs.

Supergrassyknoll · 26/10/2019 18:37

He sounds like a very selfish person and reminds me of my ex who means well but ultimately he comes first always, before our DS. He has zero self awareness.

Original poster
IWillJustKeepQuietThen · 26/10/2019 18:38

I'm. Not sure what he's wanting in respects of more time

The RP refuses to swap any weekends.
I kind of hope this is just a few that have coincidently happened at the wrong time. As far as I know it's not happened much thought the Yr.
But on the other hand of that was me in that situation I would turn down the things that can be turned down iyswim.
I belive my DN and DNephew love staying with the GP and at home with the sm?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2019 18:42

The SM is a mug.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/10/2019 18:43

He sounds selfish and irresponsible. It's very unfair to their DM and to their SM, for that matter as no doubt she'll be expected to pick up his slack. I don't think there's much you can do though, very difficult to challenge anyone about their parenting without them becoming defensive.

floodypuddle · 26/10/2019 18:43

The event that's a gift and the family special occasion.. maybe. The others I would expect him to skip. If I was their sm I'd be getting hacked off at being free babysitting.

Circe32 · 26/10/2019 18:47

The SM is a mug.

Harsh! Could be a loving nurturing person who's trying to do the best.

Original poster
IWillJustKeepQuietThen · 26/10/2019 18:49

Yes that's my thinking. I don't want him. Getting defensive but want him to understand what he could lose.

Yes the gift and special occasion I can understand. The rest I think is what I find a bit annoying.
As for how the SM feels I have no idea.. I know she's at home with her dcs anyway and I don't think it's happened much through the year but I don't 100 %, know

OP posts:
InkyFANGERSInkyFace · 26/10/2019 18:57

I also hear from mutual friends how upset he is that he doesn’t see them often and how awful I am because I’ve got easy because I see them all time!

Yep, mine palmed our kid off frequently when he didn't simply cancel on me.

He has no idea that I know that he wasn't at several funerals or home being sick, because people mentioned in passing whatever gig or festival he was actually at.

His loss.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 26/10/2019 19:01

If the resident parent won't swap weekends, I think this is reasonable. Contact is an opportunity for the child to spend time with the NRP's extended family. It's good that the child is seeing grandparents regularly. It's not inappropriate for the stepmother to do some childcare; whether the child's mother likes it or not, the stepmother is part of the child's extended family now. If the resident parent doesn't like it, she needs to be open to swapping weekends.

Original poster
IWillJustKeepQuietThen · 26/10/2019 19:05

That's a good view
I'm a SM myself to just 1 child. I'd be more than happy to be at home with her if dh was Invited to something that was important but I don't think I'd be happy if it was stuff he could change or wasn't important.
I like to play an active role in my sc life. And we do things just us which is nice. Whether that's a bit of clothes shopping or crafts. But I wouldn't want to have the piss taken out of me

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 26/10/2019 19:13

Is he not worried about his relationship with his kids?

My 14 year old no longer goes as their dad doesn't do anything with them when they are there. He doesn't go out but they are bored there.

Original poster
IWillJustKeepQuietThen · 26/10/2019 19:14

I honestly don't know tbh?

OP posts:
SpotlessMind · 26/10/2019 19:27

If the resident parent won't swap weekends, I think this is reasonable

Well the resident parent maybe makes their own arrangements for the 2 nights per fortnight they don’t have sole charge of the kids. What the RP does/doesn’t do is irrelevant, the NRP doesn’t have to attend any of the events (I’d have more sympathy if he was having to go into work or if it was a one off). It’s entirely up to the NRP to make arrangements during their contact time but more fool him if he doesn’t use it to maintain a strong relationship with his kids - his loss, and when they’re old enough to make their own choices they may well choose not to bother with him

Angrybird123 · 26/10/2019 19:47

Also swapping weekends means that the nrp wouldn't see his kids for 3 weeks while the rp wouldn't get a break for an equally long time. When a parent only sees their child 4 nights a month, its not really too much to ask that they mostly prioritise them.

verysadstorync · 26/10/2019 19:57

He sounds like a crappy dad and probably only 'wants' more contact time to punish his ex tbh.