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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want BIL here...

54 replies

hondagirl500 · 26/10/2019 15:26

Long story short - BIL is an alcoholic. Lives in a caravan a few miles away, does odd jobs for people, cash in hand. The owner of the land where the caravan is, has told BIL he needs to leave, he is getting rid of the van - tomorrow!
BIL has nowhere to go, and no money for rent etc.
He will be homeless.

We live in a small, 3 bed house, all kids have grown up and left home so we have a spare room. I do not want an alcoholic in my house. So far, DH has not suggested he comes here....but WIBU to refuse to have him here?

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 26/10/2019 15:39

YANBU. No way would I let an alcoholic in my house.

SmileyGiraffe · 26/10/2019 15:39

Not at all. Let the useless old soak live with the consequences of his appalling choices.

Bananalanacake · 26/10/2019 15:42

He needs to hit rock bottom to realise he needs help. I'm sure someone will be along to say that if he were to live with you you would be enabling him.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 26/10/2019 15:43

YANBU.

I would not have him living in my home, and the fact that your DH hasn’t already suggested it indicates he doesn’t want it either!

Thatnameistaken · 26/10/2019 15:46

Check your local authority's provision for homeless people, make sure he has a few options to look at if he finds himself in that position. I'd have the conversation with DH about how you feel now so he doesn't get guilted into offering If BIL asks first.

schoolsoutforever · 26/10/2019 15:51

Full of warmth and compassion on this thread I see. Isn't alcoholism an illness? Yes, if it were me and providing he wasn't a violent drunk, I would give him a bed for a limited time.

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2019 15:52

I am going against the grain here. Just because someone is an alcoholic doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

Is there more to this story, has he behaved badly towards you or your husband. Would he not respect your property?

One of my closest formers is an alcoholic. She holds down a high pressure job and has two lovely kids. She has stayed in my spare room loads.

I really hope there is more to this than you have posted.

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2019 15:53

Closest friends that should be

MzHz · 26/10/2019 15:57

Your h hasn’t said for him to come, so looks
Like you and he are in agreement

Have the conversation with your h to make sure he knows you won’t want him under the family roof.

Beesandcheese · 26/10/2019 15:57

YANBU have you local crisis / housing or substance abuse support charities. If you wanted to support him then helping him access those services would be more help than a complete "fix"

percheron67 · 26/10/2019 15:58

I wouldn't. You may be stuck with him for a long time.

MzHz · 26/10/2019 15:59

Alcoholism is only an illness ONCE the CHOICE to escape/self medicate etc using drink is made.

Nobody has ever contracted alcoholism. Drinking fundamentally IS a choice.

timshelthechoice · 26/10/2019 16:00

Nope. Your h hasn't suggested it, I'd make it clear I don't want to provide housing.

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2019 16:02

Mzhz - I think that is harsh. But I suspect we will never change each other’s opinions.

Returning to the original post, i would not exclude my brother from my house just because he is an alcoholic. There would have to be other reasons - which there might be here,

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 16:02

Absolutely no way. Let him in and it will be a nightmare to get rid.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/10/2019 16:03

Full of warmth and compassion on this thread I see. Isn't alcoholism an illness? Yes, if it were me and providing he wasn't a violent drunk, I would give him a bed for a limited time.

Alternatively... this thread is full of people who have lived with an alcoholic and are telling OP to avoid making the same life/ relationship/mental health wrecking errors they did - include me in that nmumber!

OP - support your DH in NOT offering support. Your BIL really does have to do this alone... don't cushion his fall, it may the thing that is his own last straw!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/10/2019 16:06

One of my closest formers is an alcoholic. She holds down a high pressure job and has two lovely kids. She has stayed in my spare room loads Have you ever lived with her, full time, for an extended period? Even high functioning alcoholics are not nice people to share your life with... which may be why she has stayed in your spare room 'loads'!

MitziK · 26/10/2019 16:07

Absolutely Not.

Who gives a fuck whether it's a disease or a choice when the upshot is that you would have a stinking pisshead holed up in your spare room, eating your food, using your heating and lighting and never, ever having the money to pay you for them because they've spunked it on Tennants Extra? Oh, and telling you as they're swaying there that no, that smell of piss is the cat/dog/your kid, no it's not their fault that the front door was left open and the TV is gone and they've just got a bit of a headache and in any case, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PICKING ON ME?

hallohallohallo · 26/10/2019 16:08

I would tell Dh (his brother) to support him by phoning Shelter who will likely give great advice for BIL's living situation and I would phone local places for substance abuse. TBH if BIL can't see this situation for what it is and make positive decisions for himself then there is very little you or anyone else can do.

Original poster
hondagirl500 · 26/10/2019 16:09

He has in the past stolen money from people who let him stay.

No way do I want him here. We have already been on the phone trying to find alternative accommodation for him. Will help as much as we can in that respect, but he will not be coming here.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2019 16:09

Personally I'd hand him info on your local Council's homeless provision - even make a few calls for him if necessary - but I certainly wouldn't have him in the house. You'd probably never get rid of him, especially as the roof over his head may mean the Council washing their hands

And yes, I'd raise the conversation with DH before BIL asks (assuming he hasn't already, and DH isn't just wondering how to put it)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2019 16:11

I see I cross posted with you, OP, and notice there's a couple of "we's" in your last one

Hopefully that means DH and yourself are on the same page?

AudTheDeepMinded · 26/10/2019 16:13

I think by 'helping' him you are enabling and making it look as though you have some measure of responsibility towards him. This must stop if you really don't want him to be your responsibility. (Which I entirely understand).

FizzyGreenWater · 26/10/2019 16:14

No, it won't solve the issue - it will merely allow any help he might get from the authorities to be excused away as you'll be deemed to have housed him.

Also, if his addiction means that he steals, then no, don't offer the bed that might result in him stealing from you and losing your support. Good fences make good relatives so to speak.

MrsAgassi · 26/10/2019 16:14

I think you’d be hard pushed to find someone who has lived with an alcoholic to say you are doing the wrong thing.