Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want BIL here...

54 replies

hondagirl500 · 26/10/2019 15:26

Long story short - BIL is an alcoholic. Lives in a caravan a few miles away, does odd jobs for people, cash in hand. The owner of the land where the caravan is, has told BIL he needs to leave, he is getting rid of the van - tomorrow!
BIL has nowhere to go, and no money for rent etc.
He will be homeless.

We live in a small, 3 bed house, all kids have grown up and left home so we have a spare room. I do not want an alcoholic in my house. So far, DH has not suggested he comes here....but WIBU to refuse to have him here?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 26/10/2019 16:15

I have lived with an alcoholic and also seen a family member live with one. It would be a no from me unless they agreed to no alcohol at all, if they drank then that would be it. But there is a difference between a so called functional alcoholic and one that has tipped past that.

Someone I know could hold down a job fine and had the hangover down to a fine art. That would be manageable. The person I am thinking of wasn't working and drank constantly. It would depend on how it was being dealt with and how long it would be for. Also whether he might accept help. Once he is with you he is adequately housed and you could end up stuck with him.

AloeVeraLynn · 26/10/2019 16:15

Nope he wouldn't be welcomed into my home. Don't care if that's "harsh", more fool the people that would allow this person to cause chaos in their life.
Stand firm OP.

pickletickled · 26/10/2019 16:15

Nope, You're not BU
I would maybe be tempted to offer 1 night until being able to arrange something else but would he leave?
The fact your Dh hasn't suggested it says he doesn't think it's a good idea neither.

msmith501 · 26/10/2019 16:16

Formhim to stay you both need to be in agreement. You don't want him to stay so need to make sure your DH knows that before he decides to invite him without asking you.

Drum2018 · 26/10/2019 16:19

YANBU. Hopefully Dh is on the same page as you but be prepared for him to suggest BIL staying for 'a few nights' until he's sorted with alternative accommodation. Don't let him stay for even one night as he'll have his foot firmly in the door. Are there hostels nearby he could try? Alcohol is a fucking scourge.

wineisnecessary · 26/10/2019 16:19

Yanbu for not wanting him to stay .
You can help him on other ways . Like you say help him with alternative accommodation doesn't mean he'll sleep on the streets .
Yes alcoholism is a illness but doesn't meal you have to have him living in you house .

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/10/2019 16:21

I used to have a family member who was an alcoholic, even visits could bring chaos and tension.

Tistheseason17 · 26/10/2019 16:21

No way would he be staying with me.

YANBU. Why are you the one trying to find accommodation - why is BIL not sorting - or even your DH!?

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2019 16:21

Typical drip feed. He is a thief who has previously abused people’s hospitality,

Why not open with that?

Deliberate attempt to whip up nasty comments focused on the alcoholism,

ChickenyChick · 26/10/2019 16:28

If it was my brother, I could not see him homeless even if he was an alcoholic and a thief

This must be tough for your DH to see happen to his brother

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 16:35

If it was my brother, I could not see him homeless even if he was an alcoholic and a thief

This is why so many addicts refuse to get treatment. No matter how horrible their behaviour, no matter the grief or destruction they cause, they have family members who just enable, enable, enable. There is nothing shameful about protecting yourself from an abusive addict.

FridalovesDiego · 26/10/2019 16:36

What if your friend didn’t have a high pressure job or an immediate family, and instead lived in a caravan doing odd jobs? Would you offer to let her live with you permanently Dollymixture22?

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2019 16:43

Frida - I wouldn’t see her homeless, so I would offer for her to stay yes. ,maybe not for forty years But certainly for a few months.

I wouldn’t offer this man the spare room because he is a thief. My friend is not.

My point was I wouldn’t write someone off just for being an alcoholic. There are lots of people living with alcoholism out there who are decent, flawed people just like the rest of us. There are other factors needed before I would be able to make a decision.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 26/10/2019 17:11

Alternatively... this thread is full of people who have lived with an alcoholic and are telling OP to avoid making the same life/ relationship/mental health wrecking errors they did - include me in that nmumber!

And me!

Don't let him across the door- it will be a bugger to get him out again. He won't want to move out of a comfortable billet and the council will not consider him homeless if he has a place with you.

Newbie1981 · 26/10/2019 17:12

I would help my DHs brother if I could. Everyone is different but I couldn't see anyone homeless

Majorcollywobble · 26/10/2019 17:26

YANBU
All the homeless shelters are open now in the area I live and I expect it’s the same everywhere . So many resources are channeled into them too - counselors, housing experts and benefit advisors. There’s no need for him to be on the street at all . Yes alcoholism is an illness - but you don’t need to be sharing your home with him. There are other options.

ILearnedItFromABook · 26/10/2019 17:41

The problem, as others have said, is that once he's in, it's incredibly difficult (emotionally, if not physically) to make him leave again, when he's outstayed his welcome. He's not likely to make a sudden improvement, so he probably won't be moving out on his own any time soon.

That's a lot of stress and resentment to add into your own life. I'd try to help him find another place to stay, but I wouldn't move an alcoholic with a history of theft into my home. YANBU.

RhinoskinhaveI · 26/10/2019 17:41

refuse and shut down any avenues to negotiation or compromise
any help should be conditional on him fixing his issues, otherwise he'll take you all down with him

RhinoskinhaveI · 26/10/2019 17:43

If it was my brother, I could not see him homeless even if he was an alcoholic and a thief
you say that but if you really understood the shit show that you'd be letting yourself in for you'd never do it

wait68 · 26/10/2019 17:43

But when push come to shove, you won't let him sleep in the streets. Even school children help the homeless so may be relatives may be able to help too.

pickletickled · 26/10/2019 17:49

This is why so many addicts refuse to get treatment. No matter how horrible their behaviour, no matter the grief or destruction they cause, they have family members who just enable, enable, enable. There is nothing shameful about protecting yourself from an abusive addict
^
This with shiny sparkly shit on!

timshelthechoice · 26/10/2019 18:15

He's being thrown out of the van because they're sick of him there, too. I'd signpost him to help as the most, but nope, brother or no, wouldn't let an addict live with me. My MIL enabled my BIL for years. He's a nightmare.

EnglishRose13 · 26/10/2019 18:17

Would you feel differently if it was your own brother?

WeeDangerousSpike · 26/10/2019 18:22

I'd not want him to move in with me either op. Does he pay any rent for the van? Could he be construed as having a tenancy at all? Doesn't have to be a written agreement.

Give shelter a ring, explain the situation in detail and they'll be able to tell you his options. Or better yet, get him to do it, but I don't know how practical that is.

Sweetpea55 · 26/10/2019 18:27

If he's got no income then he'll be asking you for money. If you don't give him any then he'll maybe start to steal from you.
It's a No from me