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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable or am I just hard work?

53 replies

Isitmeoryouorwhat · 26/10/2019 13:37

I'm really not sure!

DH was going to do his hobby this morning but decided he didn't want to because he was hungover yesterday and it needed preparing for. He doesn't go out often and it was a special occasion and so this morning instead I encouraged him to have a lie in while I got up with DS as usual. In that time I cleaned downstairs, made breakfast, dressed DS etc. I am on mat leave and do this most weekends.

He did a couple of DIY things which was great and watched a bit of TV and then asked if there was anything he could do as we have family visiting tomorrow and he was bored. I said it would be really helpful if he could clean the fish tank as he is good at it.

He said sure and then half way through announced "I knew my day would be all cleaning for tomorrow, if only I'd gone out"

I said why ask if you can do something if you don't want to? Then when I said that he said he knew I'd be stressed about preparing for tomorrow - I'm honestly not, the house is clean and tidy so I'll just whizz over the bathrooms and floors again tomorrow morning and that's it really.

Then I got cross and now I think I've overreacted to that comment although it's a really typical situation.

What shall I say next time to keep cool and dignified? I'm not sure if he does it on purpose to wind me up but either way I'm sure there's a better way to react. It just needles me so much!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 26/10/2019 14:39

Why do you have to ask him to do stuff around the house though? Why don’t you have your chores carved up already so you both have your own responsibilities?

NearlyGranny · 26/10/2019 14:42

Sometimes a person just wants an argument. He's clearly regretting the behaviour that gave him the hangover and regretting his offer to be useful, too!

He looks around for someone to blame, and there you are, the perfect target. I suggest a sweet smile, the sort of “Yes, dear, " that tells him you aren't listening and let him get on.

If need be, the follow-up comment, "I see you already know what I'm thinking and feeling and what I'll say next, so I'll just leave you to do both sides of this argument you clearly want all by yourself. You can let me know who wins afterwards." 😉

ArcheryAnnie · 26/10/2019 14:44

He sounds like very hard work indeed.

You sound like someone who could do with their partner - ostensibly a grownup - behaving less like a sulky child.

Vulpine · 26/10/2019 14:56

Its not his fault poor love, he had a hangover Hmm

Verily1 · 26/10/2019 15:06

You can’t cjange what he does but you can change your thinking processes eg

but have to be responsible

Why? Why do you feel that you have to be responsible but he doesn’t?

Will the guests judge you on the cleanliness but not him? You can challenge that with them.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2019 15:11

You (plural) need to divide chores more evenly. Then take responsibility for your own set. You do need to be prepared to brazen it out though, if his don't get done, even if guests are coming.

It's shit to have to use toddler-training tactics on an adult though. Unattractive. But, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he'll respond well to an adult discussion, at a calm time.

JavaQ · 26/10/2019 15:14

He was hungover....he is going to go out and do "his" hobby...

I would ignore today BUT I would bloody make a list of chores and ask him to decide which HALF he is going to do!
Train him as his mother bloody didn't.

What is it with bloody men and their laziness?!?!?!? (Their mothers and their wives is the answer)

Derbee · 26/10/2019 15:16

This would be a non event in my house. I’d just say “errr, you didn’t fancy going out because you’re hungover remember?” And then carry on life as usual. No fight, and I wouldn’t get stressed. Save your energy for when it actually matters

Derbee · 26/10/2019 15:18

Sometimes a person just wants an argument

This is very true. I do this sometimes, and DP gives me just enough argument, without actually fighting. Blush

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 15:23

I think you sound just fine, isitmeoryou. We'd all be offended and hurt by such an insensitive remark. Please do make it plain that you found his remark extremely hurtful and warn him not to do it again.

Other than that, he doesn't sound like a bad bloke - which I'm sure you know.
He didn't really mean it.

Wine Flowers relax and enjoy your visitors.

Forgotmycoat · 26/10/2019 15:24

By casting you into the role of the nagging wife, he's training you to accept him doing barely anything round the house, and to be grateful for what little he does do.

He needs to grow up and pull his weight at home. That's what grown ups do.

Transpeaked · 26/10/2019 15:51

Does he usually hold you to ransom/make you feel guilty/act like a martyr when he dies any housework?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 26/10/2019 15:53

He does DIY and loads the dishwasher? Sorry, OP, you’re pregnant, going to “whizz” round all the rooms again tomorrow (you’ve done the work once) and he is moaning about doing one job? Got yourself a manchild there.

Branster · 26/10/2019 16:03

Blutnes100 and TellMeWhoTheVillansAre are spot on.
Ignore, let him have his little martyrdom moment and all is good.

Boysey45 · 26/10/2019 16:13

He sounds lazy and childish.
He needs to be doing 50% and like a PP said go through with him what hes going to do and make it clear to him.
Its his house as much as yours.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2019 16:29

Yes, when your 'just whizzing round' turns into 'that's a full day's work!' for the other person, you know you have a domestic imbalance.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2019 16:30

Another one of those houses with about a hundred shelves in every room.....

PineappleLumps · 26/10/2019 16:30

Cycling? Ahh the elusive hobby 🤣

BackforGood · 26/10/2019 16:34

We'd all be offended and hurt by such an insensitive remark.

Er - no we wouldn't Hmm

pictish · 26/10/2019 16:37

He’s pissed off at himself for not getting prepared for the cycle he had planned. He started cleaning the fish tank, remembered how boring it is, his mind drifted onto how he’d much rather be cycling...then he took it out on you.
He’s being a wanker but it’s fairly ignorable if he’s otherwise good.

TooManyPaws · 26/10/2019 16:37

The area around my village, particularly my road, is very popular with MAMILS. After reading all the threads on here where the husband is a sodding cyclist, I felt like putting the car window down at a gaggle of them today and yelling "avoiding your families again?!"

PapayaCoconut · 26/10/2019 16:38

He sometimes cooks and loads the dishwasher

Wow, what a prince. Does he wipe his own bottom as well?

FaFoutis · 26/10/2019 16:39

I hope you have a hobby OP.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 26/10/2019 17:18

Another fuckin' cyclist.

museumum · 26/10/2019 17:19

If it was me I’d sympathise. My reaction would be:
“yep I totally agree a whole Saturday cleaning is shit let’s all go for a walk in the woods / on the beach and stop off at the pub/cafe”

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