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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try for dc2 at 42 with 7 year age gap?

42 replies

weesyt · 26/10/2019 08:09

I really want a second child but have had losses along with the way so here we are at my age.

I want to try again but now the age gap is bigger and I am older

I may well miscarry again and I'm prepared for that but I also now worry about the age gap if it's successful

My dc1 is a boy so not going to be mothering and nurturing to a new baby as I've seen little girls are

All my friends who have had this type of gap have 2 older ones who play together

I'm worried how this will impact on dc1 life in the future .. no cinema trips and older activities if we have a baby/ toddler in tow

The reasons I want another is to do it all again, to have someone else to love in our family and for the future when there are 2 adult children and dc1 will have someone to share memories with when dh and I pop our clogs

I am aware dc2 won't be a friend/ playmate for dc1 but I don't want his life to be made worse by my decision...

Also I'm older now and that scares me for the future for any potential dc2's future eg when they are teenager onwards

OP posts:

Duckduckduck123 · 26/10/2019 08:12

Following with interest

GaraMedouar · 26/10/2019 08:17

Hi OP - I had 2 older boys 7 and 10, when I had DC3 at age 42. So slightly different to you must having one older child. DC3 is like an only child in many ways. The older 2 played together and never with the baby. May be different for you as you only have one older child. Initially you will take the little one around for DC1's activities which is fine as babies are very transportable. Won't be long before DC1 is at secondary school and going out with his mates and not mum so i wouldn't worry.

ThebishopofBanterbury · 26/10/2019 08:18

I had a second after a 9 year gap, at the age of 38. I can't say it was easy, particularly the first couple of years were exhausting. Also parenting a hormonal tween and a toddler at the same time was very very hard. However, I wouldn't change anything, I do feel happy knowing my older child has someone with which to share memories. Its a bit like having two only children though in the sense that they both have different interests etc. I'm hoping that when they are adults the age gap will matter less and they will be closer.

babycatcher411 · 26/10/2019 08:20

Whilst I’m younger, I have a 11.5 year gap, and DS1 is absolutely besotted with his brother. He might not ‘play mummy’ in the same way as a girl would do, but he loves spending time with DS2 and they have a very special and loving relationship. DS2 is 7 months old, so I have no long term experience of their relationship, but the gap doesn’t hugely concern me.
There will be times/is times when it’s difficult to balance their needs because of the age gap, but mostly this is limited to holiday/day time activities, between me and DP I think DS1 still gets a good amount of 1to1 attention from us, and also he’s getting to the stage where he wants to do a lot of stuff independently (ie cinema), you’ve a few more years till that, but in the mean time you can tag team it.

My mum had my youngest brother (who’s 17 now) at 40, and whilst she does say she finds it tiring more so than when we had us older ones, she manages fine with him- they also have a big more money and life experience to counter balance the age ‘issue’.

There is never a right time to have a baby, but I don’t think your situation sounds like a ‘wrong’ time, and if both you and DP want it and you feel you can afford to, go for it.

user1493413286 · 26/10/2019 08:26

It’s not exactly the same as DSD doesn’t live with us full time but there’s a 9 year age gap and pretty much the only activities that were affected by having our DD were cinema trips which we now do separately with DSD. For the first year our DD very much fitted in with all of DSDs activities and as a toddler there’s a bit of give and take but things like farms, swimming etc still work And it’s not a bad thing for children to have to learn to compromise a bit. I know that’s only a small part of your question but I don’t think that should stop you.
Also My dad and his brother had 7 years between them and although as kids I don’t think they were particularly close once my uncle turned 18ish they became very close and remained very close as adults so I wouldn’t under estimate the closeness of a relationship based on an age gap.
The biggest challenge I think would be that you’ve got used to an older child who needs less care than a newborn so it will be an adjustment but not necessarily in a bad way and you knows what it’ll be like from your experiences with your DS.

Charley1988 · 26/10/2019 09:13

I don't think your age is an issue because I've known quite a few women have babies aged 45 -50 with no problems.
I do feel though that objectively chikdren don't 'need' siblings and it's better to be an independent, confident only child Han overly dependent on a sibling. But if you actively want a second child for the child's own sake and could easily accommodate another child in your family then go for it ! If anything I think the age gaps a good thing - both your kids could have all the advantages of being an only child in a sense and the advantages of having a sibling if you put a positive spin on it!

Charley1988 · 26/10/2019 09:14

Sorry for typos

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 26/10/2019 09:25

Don't assume a boy won't be nurturing to a younger sibling. That's crazy.

Imustbemad00 · 26/10/2019 09:32

I have a 7 year age gap and they pretty much hate each other. A lot of resentment from the older one I think. It’s hard doing anything as a family because of their different interests. Even holidays are difficult. Youngest is now 7.

Verily1 · 26/10/2019 09:36

I have a 7 year gap and it’s great. They play together, have a close bond.

Can do lots of activities together - soft play for 5 years, zoos, parks, bowling. For cinema trips we just take eldest with one of us or they go with extended family.

It’s the age thing that would worry me the most.

Camomila · 26/10/2019 09:45

MIL had BIL when she was 43, DH is 6 years younger.

Good things:
DH was a responsible teen as a most part - lots of babysitting as PILs worked shifts.
As a young adult (we met at uni) he was a good 'cool older brother' and gave good advice when BIL started going out in the eve/drinking etc.

Bad bits:
BIL is still living at home, DH obviously moved out first as the oldest and now MIL needs a bit of help I think he feels a bit stuck.

Camomila · 26/10/2019 09:47

DH is 6 years older I meant.

OverthinkingThis · 26/10/2019 09:47

Don't assume a boy won't be nurturing to a younger sibling. That's crazy

Agreed - it depends on the child, not their sex. I've seen little girls be awful to their baby siblings, and boys be lovely. And the other way round.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/10/2019 09:49

My dc1 is a boy so not going to be mothering and nurturing to a new baby as I've seen little girls are

I don't think you can generalise in this way. Plenty of boys are nurturing, plenty of girls aren't.

Neolara · 26/10/2019 09:49

I have a brother 6 years younger than me. We have always got on brilliantly.

NataliaOsipova · 26/10/2019 09:50

If anything I think the age gaps a good thing - both your kids could have all the advantages of being an only child in a sense and the advantages of having a sibling if you put a positive spin on it!

My two are quite close in age, so I’m not speaking from first hand experience - but from what I’ve seen from others, I’d say it’s the other way round - your kids have the disadvantages of a sibling in terms of less attention/less money/having to tag along after someone else, without the advantages of being a close unit with that sibling.

From what I’ve seen of the situation you describe, it’s very much a case of having two very separate children (rather than the kids as a unit who’ll play together, share experiences etc). This can be challenging- eg - if one of my two wants to see a film, the other will go along reasonably happily. With my friend whose son is 8 years younger than her DD, it’s just not possible. So life is constantly about balancing her kids’ conflicting wants and needs rather than being able to do things “with the kids”. Not necessarily the end of the world, though...and I wouldn’t have thought your age was a major issue.

Charley1988 · 26/10/2019 10:16

I know this is not on the immediate future but when both are adults a 7 yr age gap won't make a difference

Tweetingmagpie · 26/10/2019 10:21

It’s not the same situation as you at all but I have 7, I had 5 really close together with my ex husband then a 5 year gap then 2 close together with my second husband, and my oldest is nearly 12,

My older three (12,11,10) are much better with my youngest two than the middle two are. They are all great tbh but the older three just find them way mor interesting and I’m so surprised by it. I definitely think a big age gap can be a good thing.

And btw as long as you have a partner or someone to help you can still do things like go to the cinema etc with the older one, just get someone to watch the baby. This is what makes the difference between your older one feeling left out or loving having a sibling, you need to make time for them. And with only two kids that shouldn’t be too hard.

Original poster

weesyt · 26/10/2019 10:38

This is what worries me.

I would hate dc1 to resent dc2

I also spend a ridiculous amount of time running alternative scenarios through in my mind eg

In 2 years time dc1 would be 9 and baby would 2. We have no family ( elderly gps who live far away) so who would take dc1 to older activities/ cinema? If we stuck with one we would be more able to go our together as a family ( rather than tag team) , take dc1 on weekend breaks/ holidays more suitable for older child etc

In 10 years time dc1 would be 17 and dc2 would be 10 and I would be 52. This doesn't sound so bad. This is what in my ideal world I am clinging to! Dc1 would be independent and I would still have dc2 to look after.

In 20 years time they would be 27 and 20 and I would be 62! Hopefully Dc1 would be settled down but dc2 would still be at uni or otherwise quite dependent . Hopefully I would still be fit and well but I need to think about that ..

Also there are all the other risks that come with trying for a baby.. miscarriage, disabilities, multiples!!

Writing it all down is scary! But it's very much a "gut" thing isn't it?

OP posts:

headlongautumn · 26/10/2019 10:51

I have a 7 yr gap with my 2 and had the youngest at 42.
I think it depends very much on personalities so it is hard to guage. My 2 are chalk n cheese.

I think the gap was was easier when dd2 was younger but now they are 5 and 12, it is harder. Dd1 does alot of sport and music activities and when dd2 was younger, she was content to just go along. Now not so much. She rightly so does not want to be the tag along.
I wouldn't say they are very close, the younger one is fiercely jealous at times and when they get on, it's fine but v often they argue. The elder one feels held back. Tbh her pals dote more on the wee one than she does and find her hilarious.

I am hoping it gets better as they get older.

I think your own age is not the biggest issue but for me, my niave vision of them being a tight unit was unrealistic given how different they are.

charm8ed · 26/10/2019 10:55

I have a big 10 year gap between DC1 and DC2 and then a tiny gap between DC2 and DC3. They are all grown up now and they get on so amazingly well, the gap gets smaller over time.

margotsdevil · 26/10/2019 11:18

My best friend has one sibling - a brother 8 years younger. Didn't have much to do with each other as children but as adults are very close - socialise a lot together, holidays etc - so if can definitely work out okay!

Verily1 · 26/10/2019 11:21

your kids have the disadvantages of a sibling in terms of less attention/less money/having to tag along after someone else, without the advantages of being a close unit with that sibling

See this ^ is exactly what I would t want for my dcs! I hate the thought of them being lumped together for all activities/ having no individuality/ independence. I do t want my dcs to grow up thinking you can’t do something unless you are part of a pair. It’s the kind of conditioning which stops so many women you see on MN threads who won’t go to the cinema/ out for a meal/ on holiday on their own.

My dcs are very independent and that’s how I’ve wanted to raise them.

Horses for courses I suppose!

charm8ed · 26/10/2019 11:47

Verily1 I couldn’t agree more.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2019 11:57

I have a 6 year gap. Now 4th and 10 they are close, it did impact on older DD's life she loves him now, he was a high needs baby and took up lots of time, it has changed her role in the family she is more independent, she is happy now she has a sibling too. most days
My dc1 is a boy so not going to be mothering and nurturing to a new baby as I've seen little girls are
Some boys are very nurturing, you might be surprised.
As long as your healthy it can work.

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