To stop my child being friends with this boy

[Alittlebitofbasil]

DS, 9, has become best friends with the new boy in his class. Initially we were pleased about the new friendship as DS only has one other friend at school.

However, new boy is obsessed with horror films and video games. This is all he talks about. His mum told me at a recent school event that he has no interest in anything else and refuses to join after school clubs as he just wants to play horror games on Nintendo or watch YouTube. She knows DS isn’t allowed to play those games but I’m not sure she knows the content of the games her son is playing. She buys him clothing/costumes of the characters.

She also said she was so pleased that DS and him were friends as he had no friends at his last school as he’s a ‘strange child’ and revealed that he was difficult to deal with at home and that an educational psychologist was involved.

DS came back from their house last weekend saying that they’d been watching clips of horror films on YouTube. He showed us on the iPad what they’d been watching: clips of IT, Halloween and Friday 13th. I was livid. We don’t allow any of our three children to watch YouTube unless we know what it is that they are watching and they are in the same room as us. Needless to say, DS was awake all night, petrified, and that is the irony of it all, he doesn’t like horror! He has a wide range of interests including cubs, reading and swimming so I don’t see what they actually have in common. It’s like he’s going along with the whole horror thing to please this other boy/fit in with him.

Most shocking of all was when I overheard DS tell his younger brothers that this boy had played a game where you could set fire to a baby and this boy thought it was hilarious. I went ape shit with my son!

This boy also seems to hate everyone else in the class and my son is repeating things that he’s been saying, such as ‘I hate X’ or ‘Y is an idiot’. DS has never shown any resentment towards his peers until he started playing with the new boy.
We have discussed with DS the importance of having other friends and that he shouldn’t let the new boy influence him or stop him playing with her others, but he really likes his new best friend and won’t hear anything negative about him so it ends up in an argument.

His dad and I really don’t like them being friends and both feel uneasy about this boy, but he’s become DS’s only real best friend. AIBU to stop DS from seeing his best friend outside of school, especially when he doesn’t have many other friends?

Oh, let him be!

Certainly stop him going round the boy's house as it is clear they aren't being properly supervised there.

I had the same thing with my 8 year old. Same exact problem; laying games designed for adults and watching horror films. His favourite movie (at 8) is The Purge.

I sent a message to the mum which laid everything out; basically what you've said here and told her that I did not want our children playing because my son is far too young to be exposed to those things. I also told the school.

I really don't care show upset they or their son wete. I'm not sending my kids to play with a friend and have him come home to tell me about the purge.

You can't stop them being friends at school, and I don't think you should even if you could. But I would not let your DS go to the friend's house, and I would supervise them carefully at your house.

Thanks for replying. I wouldn’t stop them from being friends at school, it would be impossible anyway. It would be an absolute no brainer if DS had lots of other friends’ houses to play at but I feel if I stop him going over he’s missing out on the enjoyment of playing at a friend’s house.

I think the best solution is to stop him going over and try inviting some of the other boys in his class to ours in the hope he might make some other friends away from this boy.

We are having a very similar issue. I don’t want to stop them being friends but I have had to very much explain to the other mother what is acceptable for my child to do eg no age inappropriate films, no unsupervised access to the internet, no playing with inappropriate toys. The other mother isn’t awful she just has very different ideas about what is acceptable at this age, she seems to have been responsive to my points but time will tell. My son is by no means wrapped in cotton wool or naive, however he is still a little boy and adults have a duty to ensure the things they are exposed to are age appropriate and safe. Talk to her. You aren’t telling her how to parent her child but you are telling her what is acceptable when she is caring for yours.

What parent let's their 9 year old watch horror films and play adult video games. No wonder there's a psychologist involved. I'd steer well clear of a child that laughs at a baby catching on fire.

Fucking hell, no way would I allow that. Surely watching graphic horror while your brain is still developing is a recipe for disaster?

I would not want my DC going to a house without boundaries on internet/gaming use. I would allow the friendship to develop at school and at my own house. FWIW I am on the relaxed side re age certificates with my own DC, but for visiting children I stick religiously to age ratings, and am cautious even within that as some PG films can be upsetting for some DC.

Are the school aware that the child is watching films/playing games of that age rating? If a member of staff knew they would have to log it as a safe guarding concern. It wouldn't automatically mean a ss referral but would be in the system so if other concerns came up a bigger picture could be formed.

Gosh, I was coming on to say you were unreasonable and there is nothing wrong with horror and video games, but what I had in mind was my 12 year old liking Five Nights at Freddy's, not IT and baby burning games at 9! YANBU

YANBU I would be discouraging that friendship as much as possible. I went to school with a boy with a boy like that. His parents also let him collect weapons . When he asked me out and I declined he threatened to kill me.

Just invite the kid to yours.

I feel if I stop him going over he’s missing out on the enjoyment of playing at a friend’s house.
But it isn't a normal healthy playing at a friends house environment. He's not really getting 'enjoyment'.

Try replacing video games with fire/guns/someone in house on sex offender's register and see if you still feel that stopping him going would constitute missing out. Exposing him to violent video content is a kind of abuse too.

You can't stop them interacting at school but you can stop him being exposed to this kind of dangerous shit out of school. Have the boy over to play at yours, if you really must, under very close supervision amd see how it goes but do NOT let him go there again.

You should also mention it to the safeguarding lead at school as this is definitely a safegaurding issue. The school need to know that this boy is bringing this kind of thing into conversations at school. In fact, it's even more serious - the school need to know that this boy's parents are not protecting him from this content.

There’s no way would my child be allowed to that child’s house and the mother would be told why! What kind of parent allows their child to view that sort of thing.
I would also go as far as speaking to the school about the type of thing this child is being exposed to.
I would also encourage my child to stay completely away for him and couldn’t care less who was offended by it.

Isn’t five nights at Freddie’s also quite creepy? My kids aren’t past five yet so my opinion probably isn’t worth much but my kid from the age of three has been watching thinks like frankenweenie, the night before Christmas, corpse bride etc and is fine with it, she likes creepy things and we can talk about al sorts without her being scared, that said, if her friends mum said to me to keep that stuff away when she is over that’s okay, our children are all different. I’d try talking to the mum about it and asking for certain boundaries to be put in place while your son is there. He doesn’t need to be afraid which is easier said than done, but explain to him that nothing he has seen is real and there is no need to be scared of things that aren’t real. It might help or it might not but you will know better than me. He could also try telling the boy if he felt comfortable enough, that he doesn’t really like this sort of stuff and can he show the boy some things that he enjoys playing or watching?

I'd be mentioning this to the designated safeguarding lead at their school.

I would mention it to the school. I work 2 afternoons in a primary school and last year the Head sent a message home about Fortnite. He said that behaviour in the playground had deteriorated , children were playing Fortnite-type games/using inappropriate language and as Fortnite has an age-rating of 12, it was a safeguarding issue. Any child found continuing to play after the message went home would be referred onto SS.

Sounds like a psychopath in the making. I wouldn’t let my child play with him outside of school either

I think that’s a bit extreme. And I’m into true crime and listen and watch mostly shows about it. This isn’t the making of a psychopath lol. Well, we won’t know until they get older but unless they are killing small animals or wetting the bed amongst other things there’s no reason to say they will end up a psychopath.

Do not let your child go to that house again. Listen to your gut on this one. Go into school and have a chat with the teacher, tell them what you’ve told us, and ask them to encourage your ds to widen his friendship group. Continue to encourage other friendships by organising play dates. We are going through a similar thing at the moment.

I don’t agree with the comments about having this kid around to your house instead. They spend 5 days a week together at school already. I wouldn’t be perpetuating the friendship outside of that.

A new boy started at my DC’s school and now my son is coming home with phrases that other pupils have said to him (and probably others). After time others won’t think it’s coming from the other boy they’ll just think your son’s saying strange things. I know you can’t stop it at school but I’d have concerns about home life where he is allowed to watch such things.

Any school who tried to dictate what I allow my dc's to do at home would be ignored. Who does that head think he is to enforce a blanket ban on a game? The game is a 12, so not sure how the link was made between that and swearing. And what about the kids that are 11?

Just because a film or game is a 12 doesn't mean that when they wake up on their 12th birthday. Some would be fine playing/watching 12's at 10. Whereas you can find adults who cannot watch/play. You have a bit of common sense hopefully to know what is and isn't suitable.

They must be something that they have in common. Children have lots of interests and the boy will have more than one.
Odd that you will invite other boys from the class in hope that a friendship will develop but what about this boy?

Your child might also be exaggerating about things. Not saying he's not watching horrors.

I wouldn't be looking at ways to exclude this boy.

You also need to let your ds know that at any time he feels uncomfortable anywhere, he can leave. Even if this means drawing attention to others. That you don't have to go along with things others do.

The professionals working with him will know what he is and isn't watching because he will be talking about it. Someone mentions the fortnight t-shirt for example, this would be used in the conversation.

There is no way at all that I would be encouraged this friendship. At all.

The boy sounds very disturbed and his mother sounds neglectful and clueless. If you allowed a child unlimited unsupervised access to porn you would be prosecuted. I can't understand why graphic violence in films and video games is not treated in much the same manner.

Look at the killers of James Bulger and the boys who carried out the massacre at Columbine. They had accessed films and video games that they shouldn't have and, along with other problems at home and within themselves, this played a part in what they did.

The boy needs help, clearly. He's obsessed with violence and gore and hates his classmates. Report this to the DSL at school. Tell his mum that due to what your son experienced at her home and the fact that you do not allow your son to access this kind of material, you will not be allowing the boys to play together outside of school. Notify the class teacher that you would like an eye kept on the friendship as your son's behaviour has changed and you are worried the boy is a bad influence on him.