To stop my child being friends with this boy

[Alittlebitofbasil]

DS, 9, has become best friends with the new boy in his class. Initially we were pleased about the new friendship as DS only has one other friend at school.

However, new boy is obsessed with horror films and video games. This is all he talks about. His mum told me at a recent school event that he has no interest in anything else and refuses to join after school clubs as he just wants to play horror games on Nintendo or watch YouTube. She knows DS isn’t allowed to play those games but I’m not sure she knows the content of the games her son is playing. She buys him clothing/costumes of the characters.

She also said she was so pleased that DS and him were friends as he had no friends at his last school as he’s a ‘strange child’ and revealed that he was difficult to deal with at home and that an educational psychologist was involved.

DS came back from their house last weekend saying that they’d been watching clips of horror films on YouTube. He showed us on the iPad what they’d been watching: clips of IT, Halloween and Friday 13th. I was livid. We don’t allow any of our three children to watch YouTube unless we know what it is that they are watching and they are in the same room as us. Needless to say, DS was awake all night, petrified, and that is the irony of it all, he doesn’t like horror! He has a wide range of interests including cubs, reading and swimming so I don’t see what they actually have in common. It’s like he’s going along with the whole horror thing to please this other boy/fit in with him.

Most shocking of all was when I overheard DS tell his younger brothers that this boy had played a game where you could set fire to a baby and this boy thought it was hilarious. I went ape shit with my son!

This boy also seems to hate everyone else in the class and my son is repeating things that he’s been saying, such as ‘I hate X’ or ‘Y is an idiot’. DS has never shown any resentment towards his peers until he started playing with the new boy.
We have discussed with DS the importance of having other friends and that he shouldn’t let the new boy influence him or stop him playing with her others, but he really likes his new best friend and won’t hear anything negative about him so it ends up in an argument.

His dad and I really don’t like them being friends and both feel uneasy about this boy, but he’s become DS’s only real best friend. AIBU to stop DS from seeing his best friend outside of school, especially when he doesn’t have many other friends?

The last school I worked in some dc as young as 4 were very familiar with COD and GTA as well as hard core porn. It messes with their heads and by age 8 they're violent and extremely disruptive. Sounds as if the parents have checked out and are letting him do whatever he wants, nobody is born with a predeliction for horror and violence, someone has made it accessible and accepted.

With Youtube, mum, for example, might be one of those that have full trust in the settings.

One of the basics we are told is if you let your child online, ensure various controls are activated to stop x,y and z happen. Ok, she should be paying more attention, but she won't be the first or last parent to have fallen into the trusting the controls are working.

And just because he may or may not be regularly watching/playing 18= doesn't mean this is why he has a psychologist involved. Many children have them from an early age for various reasons, and shouldn't mean that they should be excluded.

How is this child going to get to know what is expectable behaviour etc if no one wants to be with him?

It really isn't suitable content for young children, and if I were you I would only have them play at your house where you can keep an eye. My main feeling on that is, the mother is clearly an idiot and I wouldn't want her in charge of my child. She has made this situation. Kids don't become interested in horror films/games if they haven't had exposure. You can't ban the friendship but you can have some conversations with your son about your feelings on the content his friend is watching.
My daughter (tween) tried to start reading very sexually graphic books her friend had recommended and we had to talk about why some things are best experienced later rather than sooner. As so much is accessible online I think it doesn't hurt to outline to them the reasons why things have an age restriction.

I agree that he definitely should be watching these videos. But comparing him to Jamie Bulger's killers or the Columbine shooters is fucking ridiculous.

Violence is in our genes.

I loved films like Halloween when I was about 12 but the setting fire to a baby raises huge red flags with me. I'd be careful. Horror video games are way more dangerous and violent than horror films in my opinion. They are addictive and horribly violent.

I'd have a meeting with the teacher about how you were thrilled ds had made a new friend but now realise he's a boy with issues and explain what mum has said.
Ask if there's anyone you could invite over that he seems keen on.

I am quite relaxed re films with mine but this is quite different. The child sounds disturbed. I would be wondering why he left his precious school too.

By becoming his best friend, your ds is taking a chance on alienating his other classmates. I’m presuming he’s in year 5? I would be making damn sure that my ds would not be going to the same secondary if possible.

We had a situation when ds ( now 16 ) was in primary school. He has gone to nursery with one other boy who was a little shit. He battered someone regularly and was always in trouble. Turns out he was pretty much free range and his behaviour was abysmal. We tried to invite him to parties etc but he was awful. On one memorable occasion he dropped his trousers at soft play and peed down the slide.... I then discouraged any friendship out of school even though I felt pretty sorry for him.

At 11 they went to different schools.
I also spoke to the school about my concerns, as did many others. I appreciate this is different in that my ds’s classmate was violent but I couldn’t allow him to be part of ds’s life after school.

@Lulualla

Out of interest, how did the other mum respond?

I would not be letting my kid go to that house. The parents are either thick or dubious, and either way, my kid doesnt need to be in that environment. The boys can be friends at school, and the other boy would be welcome at my house (where he might experience slightly more normal and age-appropriate family life).

I am a gamer and I honestly would like to know what this game is called. I've even googled it.
Not because I want to see babies burning, but because sometimes when it comes to video games, things get exaggerated.
There is a fire game where you chuck random, none baby things into a fire (I don't get it either). And there's one called something like burn baby on youtube.
There is also a game where monsters eat babies. Not as bad as it sounds.

Doesn't that type of behaviour in childhood fit a certain criminal profile?

What is he like around animals?
Why did they move from their previous home?

His mother described him as "Strange" and she doesn't appear to understand that feeding his obsession with inappropriate horrific images is damaging him.

I'd definitely tell school safeguarding lead and I'd cut all contact with the child outside school. Monitor your son's phone for contact with the boy using a different name.

He's latched onto your son, because your son's emotionally vulnerable as he only has one other friend. Note he hasn't attempted to latch onto any other child in established friendship groups.

What's happened to your son's other friend at school now, is he isolated now whilst the new boy dominates your son's free time? Does your son still see his original friend socially?

RopeBrick "Oh, let him be!"

So you see nothing wrong with the things described in the OP? Would you explain why please?

I would discuss your concerns with the school. This boy is watching inappropriate content.

In your shoes I would be informing the school of your concerns, refusing to allowing your DS to play with the other boy outside of school and actively discouraging him from playing with the boy whilst in school.

I wouldn’t speak to the other parent, if they were at all bothered they wouldn’t be letting their child watch these sorts of things full stop.

I don’t think it is being over the top in saying psychopath in the making either!

I have always loved horror films for as long as I can remember. Yet neither of my parents do. I still love horror films and I have never been a threat to anyone, I was never abused and SS were never involved. The horror films in itself wouldn't bother me, but the boy finding it hilarious to set a baby on fire in a game is rather worrying. Could you stop him going over to his house for a while and invite the friend round to yours instead where you can monitor the friendship and see how they interact together and get to know him better. If there are anymore red flags after that, then I would try and casually persuade him to make other friendships and talk to school about separating them in class.

i would stop the play dates and tell the mum why. can't do much about school other fyi to the teachers.

@FunOnTheBeach20

Her message back was along the lines of "that's my son's favourite movie and I don't see the harm in letting him share that with his friends. They need to learn the difference between fake violence and real violice at some point, but if you're too uptight to allow it then I won't argue".

I'm still furious about it now and it was a year ago, but she let my 8 year old watch the purge. Ironically, I'd throttle her it it were legal!

Zoflora if violence was an issue neither would I. Not sure many parents would invite a kid who beat them.

But a none violent child, why would I look at ways to exclude?

There's also a chance that ops ds genuinely did think X was an idiot that day. It's a hard age as they are starting to make more independent choice about who they want to be friends with. For years you were mates with parents mates in the guise of playdates. Then it becomes we go to school together, are cousins, neighbours whatever. Until they start to realise they don't have to like everyone and start being more aware of what they like in a friend. Obviously there are some friendships that need an immediate stop, and hope your child listens. But other times you work around the situation. You keep an eye and either the friendship will naturally fade or you might be pleasantly surprised.

No more playing. DH is nearly 50 and can do what he wants but I can't be in the room when he's playing COD etc though some of DDs friends play it at 6.

Zero tolerance - these things are 15 rated/18 rated for a reason.

@Malbecfan phoning SS for playing fortnite is just batshit and SS would laugh at your head. People who have an issue with Fortnite don’t understand or play the game, it’s clever, it’s a whole story in itself (the whole game got pulled into a black hole 🕳 genius) I don’t play but I have watched DS 9 play and read a lot about it. There is a lot to be said about actively participating in a game rather than passively vegitating in front of the TV.

However that was not the point of this thread and so as not to derail OP Horror in itself is not an issue Eli Roth was obsessed with horror from a young age and he is a genius Horror director. Some kids can’t some can and so long as it is explained and they know it’s a movie special effects etc and they are not scared then no issue. However I am with you, my 9 year old isn’t allowed to watch anything scarier than Buffy or the house with the clock in its walls, etc and I love Horror, not jump scares (chilling adventures of Sabrina is my favourite at the moment). Games I also limit I know he can deal with a 12 and I don’t let him play GTA or other games. He has played them at other people’s houses and told me all about them, it’s rare and I like the kids and the parents and so I am willing to let it go so long as we discuss it after and so long as 90% of the time he is with friends he is outside playing.
I think though the issue you have is different, I think it goes beyond YouTube and horror and is more about the friend needing your DS and your DS being vulnerable and unable to say no I don’t like this. I wouldn’t be happy if my DS watched a horror movie or played a horror game at someone’s house and I would definitely have a conversation with the mum and ask her to just not allow it while your DS is around.

That poor child.
After reading through the responses the general consensus seem to be to isolate the boy.
I wonder if anyone has actually told him that what he enjoys might not be suitable for other children his age, he probably thinks that if he likes it, other kids his age will too. If his parents never stopped him from playing violent video games etc then why should he assume that's not the norm?

Either talk to the child yourself or insist on a teacher having a quiet word with him about age appropriate content.

People can be absolutely lovely and also enjoy horror movies or violent games, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

I don't think you can expect to invite other boys over to play if your ds doesn't play with them at school. At 9 It will all be a bit awkward for them and they are likely to refuse the invite anyway.
I'd concentrate on DS and involving him in lots of out of school activities where he will meet other kids who he will get to know and could make friends with. I'd start small with maybe going for a milkshake with a couple of the DC and their parents from one of these classes /clubs and once he's been going a few weeks then hopefully he will start to form friendships that will steer him away from this boy at schools influence.
In the meantime I would not allow DS to this boys house and if DS wants him to play at your house I'd monitor closely and only allow it once a week. Hopefully if he is busy with after school activities he won't have time to spend with this boy.

CanThingsChange35 Come on now, we can’t blame video games etc. What about all the nasty gory crimes before we had any of these games? Let’s not be silly now.

Does the boy’s name begin with ‘T’? because if not, he sounds scarily familiar to a boy who left DCs class at the end of year 3. He would be in Y4 now.

He was watching all kinds of horrors and was telling kids about ‘IT’, had toy guns and played violent video games. He became obsessed with a particular best friend and would try and beat them up. His DM minimised the hell out of it and his DF saw no problem with it.

The school and some of the parents definitely had a problem with it though.