to be so sensitive

[babygirlaugust]

NC as pretty sure this will be outing, surely not that many can be in similar situations?

I know IABU but I guess I need a kick up the butt on how to be more empathetic and help to see things from the other side.

My baby girl died 2 months ago at only 2 days old and I have lost a lot of friends and feel very isolated at the moment.

This month was baby loss awareness month with baby loss awareness week in the middle and that made me feel able to make a post about my daughter on facebook at the start of the month. I thought it was about breaking down taboos but what I noticed was many friends unfriended me that day. This made me feel so alienated and like complete crap that no one wants to look at anymore.
I told a few friends and family how much that hurt and they said it only shows who were superficial friends.

So I shared another couple posts on facebook of some fundraising I am doing and a reshare of the whole “Wave of Light” about lighting a candle at 7pm at end of Baby Loss Awareness Week.

After I shared that post my (sort of) cousin messaged me saying she is removing me from facebook because she has had enough of seeing me post about my daughter.

I was really taken a back by her bluntness to that message – why did she have to tell me? It has made me so paranoid that others think that too and maybe she thinks she is doing me a favour by telling me so?

My cousin posts almost daily about her children and so I was surprised that a handful of posts during Baby Loss Awareness Month that I thought was about breaking down that taboo were too much for her.

Am I reading too much into it? Maybe she messaged me prior because I had previously told her how it hurt that friends have ghosted me since the death of my baby and this was her way of not ghosting me?

My mum said maybe she is having fertility issues and it hurts her to see me suffering?

It hurts so much for me to be made to feel like no one wants to see my life / break down that taboo / see my beautiful baby though.

AIBU to be so sensitive to this and need help in coping with this situation?

Holy shit OP. This is so tough for you. I dont have children but can imagine how traumatic it must have been for you to lose your baby like that. Of course YANBU. But please, please get some new friends. I cant imagine a world in which I would ever EVER unfriendly a friend because 2 months after they lost their child they were posting about it. In fact you could post about it every day for years and it wouldnt make a difference.

You dont have to feel bad or hurt. You just need to get some counselling to help you with your grief (are you?) and make some better friends. Good luck x

I haven't voted OP as I don't think that's really helpful for you.

Firstly I am so so very sorry for your loss.

With kindness can I suggest you step away from social media for a bit. Everything is so amplified when in that world and actions can be misread.

Grief is hard to process and not everyone will be able to bear to be faced with your grief so bluntly, you shouldn't take that as they don't care.

Are you receiving real life support? I do hope so

YANBU and it’s hateful of anyone to unfriend you or tell you they don’t want to hear about it. Even if they don’t want to hear or see it, they should just hide your posts.

I’m so sorry for your loss. What was your daughters name?

They are not your friends.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl .

I don't think you are being over-sensitive. Is it possible that some of the people who have unfriended you might also have suffered losses, and simple found your posts too painful to read, rather than wanting to abandon you as a friend?

Your cousin's message sounds very blunt and whatever her reasons for doing this, it should have been worded much more tactfully.

I hope that you have some good friends remaining, to share the memories of your lovely daughter and support you while you are grieving for her.

I am sorry for your loss, I cannot believe that people can be so fucking cruel and so hurtful, who the hell are these people?! YANBU and I am so sorry once again.

Fuck 'em.

However maybe you should step away from SM for a while, not because you've done something wrong, but because it is so hurtful to you at the moment, and you are not getting anything positive from it, quite the contrary.

I'd also suggest counselling if you can, that way you can talk to your heart's content about your DD and anything else you might need to talk about in a safe,non judgemental environment.

This is absolutely horrendous. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what your "friends" are thinking, if they don't want to see your posts they can just unfollow you.

I am at a loss for words. I simply cannot understand how someone could turn their backs on a friend who is suffering. I can kind of get that people might feel awkward and not know how to talk to you about your little girl, but unfriending on Facebook? I can't get my head around it

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't stop talking about it, you deserve to be heard

Sorry for your loss, OP

But it's possible your posts were too upsetting for some, for their own private and personal reasons.

Having said that though, they could've just hidden you from their newsfeeds.

Although then again, a lot of people seem unaware of this feature if MN is anything to go by.

Oh my god, YANBU. I don't have children myself, either, but basic human empathy says what you've gone through must be one of the hardest things ever, and your "friends" and cousin are heartless.

Not to try to excuse anything at all, but I have read somewhere (in a different context, but still) that the it's the huge fear of losing one's child that can sometimes cause some people to want to look away, when others experience it. Like it's too horrible to imagine, so they don't want to know. I have no idea. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you all very much for your replies.

We called our daughter Rosie - our little rose.

Those who are voting that IABU, could you post as to why please? So then it will maybe help wrap my head around why people do unfriend in these situations? I am assuming that you are the sort of people that would in this situation?

I do not think my posts were too upsetting, one was sharing a photo of her in the NICU and saying how grateful we were we at least had a couple days with her. There was a JustGiving post as I am hoping to do a skydive to raise money for the NICU. The other posts were reshares from SANDs facebook page about breaking down taboos during Baby Loss Awarness Month/Week.

I have been receiving excellent support from SANDs and my hospital too but I weirdly struggle to think about opening up about my struggle with this aspect of grief to them - I feel ashamed that I have lost friends and family and that I am upset over facebook.

I do not think my posts were too upsetting

But with the greatest of respect, you are not them.

They may well have found them upsetting for reasons that are too personal to share.

I do think they should've snoozed you from their news feeds though, rather than unfriend you.

Good luck with your sky dive!

I wouldn't read too much into the votes - I think everyone who has actually taken the time to post has said YANBU.

Rosie is a lovely name - have you planted a rose for her?

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of Rosie. Please try to ignore those cruel and nasty people who clearly have no empathy for what you’re going through

That is true - I guess they have to put their own mental health above mine @WorraLiberty

I am being selfish, I do see that now. I know I ams too wrapped up in how it is my reality that they are choosing to say is too painful for them even though it is me living with that grief not them, how it is not their daughter they had to watch die and bury after growing for 9 months.

But I do guess I have to understand that people do not want to see other people's grief and suffering and I should respect that. It was selfish and over sensitive of me to think that they would be there to help me and break down those taboos rather than remove themselves instead. I do see that now, that people do not want to see things that cause themselves pain.

Thank you @ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens yes, my grandparents helped us with planting the rose bush! I am no gardener but they reckon it is an easy plant to maintain thankfully.

I really don't think you're being selfish at all OP.

You're using your FB your own way and that's your right. If it's helping in any kind of way, no matter how tiny or minuscule then you should carry on doing it.

Let them unfriend you or hide you, that's their choice.

The people who leave themselves on your friend list are also choosing to do so for a reason

Yes, they are very easy to maintain . It will be a beautiful reminder of your little Rosie when you see the roses bloom every summer .

The thing I am now in limbo about though, is how do I face these people in real life? I will of course see my cousin at some family events, like a wedding next year...

To me, I feel like surely she will not want to talk or see me because I am surely a living reminder of that grief she wants to shut away and not see?

And to be really honest, I dont think I want to see or talk to her if she cannot face an aspect of my reality then she should not be privileged to any of aspect? I know that is a selfish view again but if she can protect her own mental health surely I can protect mine? I do not want to have to fear about what I say around her in case it upsets her talking about Rosie

Hopefully it'll be a bit different in RL, OP.

The thing with FB is that people can log in up to 5/10/20/30+ times a day, so their news feeds might act as a constant reminder of what they might be trying to bury in the backs of their minds.

Seeing that person at a wedding or other family event, is totally different to that.

I'm sorry for your loss. People can be arseholes. Maybe take a break from social media for a while. Sending you hugs.

I think, for my own sanity, I will just block them from my life - oh now I feel like I am getting more crazy. But I feel like if they are allowed to protect their own mental health over mine then surely I am reasonable to do the same.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Rosie OP.

I think whoever said this has shown who your real friends are, were correct.

Unless someone has recently lost a baby and genuinely can't cope with seeing your posts, then I think its horrible to defriend you. Maybe it was genuinely too much for a couple of people but for all of them, it seems unlikely. The whole point of mental health awareness which none of your friends seem to have got is it's meant to be ok to share your feelings. If you were obsessively offloading all your grief to one particular friend who had her own issues, a couple of years down the line, then I can see how they may think this is draining for them and need to protect themselves. But its been two months, which is nothing, and to defriend you for sharing a picture of your baby and sharing a great charity's messages shows such a lack of empathy and compassion, I think unless they had a really valid reason why, this would mean the end of my friendship. If your friends cant be there for you at the worst time of your life then there is pretty much no point to them in my opinion. All they needed to do was like and move on or set to ignore rather than unfriend.

A friend a couple of years ago had a stillbirth and yeah it was very upsetting for everyone else, but I'm sure it was obviously a million times more upsetting for her so if it helped her to talk about and send me pictures of her baby I was really glad to do something that I thought might be helping a tiny bit, even though it made me cry

@GettingABitDesperateNow thank you, I think you have explained how I was thinking about it all in a much better way - except I was wondering if I was being over sensitive in thinking that?

I know I am a mess, my emotions are all over the place.