to be so sensitive

[babygirlaugust]

NC as pretty sure this will be outing, surely not that many can be in similar situations?

I know IABU but I guess I need a kick up the butt on how to be more empathetic and help to see things from the other side.

My baby girl died 2 months ago at only 2 days old and I have lost a lot of friends and feel very isolated at the moment.

This month was baby loss awareness month with baby loss awareness week in the middle and that made me feel able to make a post about my daughter on facebook at the start of the month. I thought it was about breaking down taboos but what I noticed was many friends unfriended me that day. This made me feel so alienated and like complete crap that no one wants to look at anymore.
I told a few friends and family how much that hurt and they said it only shows who were superficial friends.

So I shared another couple posts on facebook of some fundraising I am doing and a reshare of the whole “Wave of Light” about lighting a candle at 7pm at end of Baby Loss Awareness Week.

After I shared that post my (sort of) cousin messaged me saying she is removing me from facebook because she has had enough of seeing me post about my daughter.

I was really taken a back by her bluntness to that message – why did she have to tell me? It has made me so paranoid that others think that too and maybe she thinks she is doing me a favour by telling me so?

My cousin posts almost daily about her children and so I was surprised that a handful of posts during Baby Loss Awareness Month that I thought was about breaking down that taboo were too much for her.

Am I reading too much into it? Maybe she messaged me prior because I had previously told her how it hurt that friends have ghosted me since the death of my baby and this was her way of not ghosting me?

My mum said maybe she is having fertility issues and it hurts her to see me suffering?

It hurts so much for me to be made to feel like no one wants to see my life / break down that taboo / see my beautiful baby though.

AIBU to be so sensitive to this and need help in coping with this situation?

I couldn't pass by and NOT comment to say how very sorry I am to read that your precious Rosie died.

Sending huge and heartfelt hugs (((xxx)))

I do find other people react in often very unexpected ways to the horrors in other people's lives. Mostly people are kind and compassionate. I'm just really sorry that some of your friends have failed so miserably at simply being friends at such a tough time in your life. I guess the idea of losing a child is everyone's biggest nightmare, so in their heads if they don't see your posts they can pretend this horrific scenario hasn't landed to close to home.
xx

I am so sorry for your loss of baby Rosie

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable at all. I only accept friend requests on social media for those people close enough that I would share this with so I would be upset if they were unfriending me over it. They can unfollow you for the time being if they really can’t bear to see your posts, but I think you need some kindness in your life right now and if they can’t provide that then they are better being off your friends list xxx

I am sorry to hear about your little Rosie.

I think that's awful and they were not real friends. It might make them sad, but you have just lost a little baby, I can't understand how people can be so cruel.

I really can't understand why they have been so awful, they can just scroll past and not engage.

I don't expect any of my friends to "get over" losing their children!!!!

I’m so sorry to hear about Rosie passing away. It’s an unimaginable loss. I wonder whether people do this because they don’t know how to react and don’t know what to say. I think until you’ve been through something like this it can be hard to understand. Your cousin was very cruel reacting like that and to unfriendly you is unbelievably lacking in kindness and empathy. I’m glad you’re getting support from sands. I know other posters have suggested stepping back from social media. I think this would be a good idea as you might get some peace. 💐

I hope you have the support you need in real life.

Whilst I can understand that some people may have found the subject distressing for reasons you don't know about, I am at a loss to understand unfriending! They can simple snooze / hide or whatever the terminology is.

I periodically hide certain people on FB who I still want contact with, but can't always cope with what they post.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Rosie

Your cousin sounds like a twat.

I am so sorry you have lost your daughter, Rosie. Can I say what a beautiful name.

I think some people have been very unkind. Either they have no real understanding, or maybe unknown to you they have some hidden grief. I agree it is best if you have a break from social media. Rosie will always be in your heart and mind but in time you will learn to cope with the grief but it is early days and you need to be kind and gentle on yourself.

@babygirlaugust Oh no! I am so sorry for you. Not only for losing your lovely sweet baby girl, but also for the callous way you have been treated.

I have no words, other than to give these type of 'friends' a wide berth, and try to keep kind and gentle people around you.

Please look after yourself, and keep talking to us on here.

I am so sorry you had such a short time with Rosie. If there’s ever a time to be selfish, it’s now. Your cousin sounds like a complete bitch.

You know it doesn’t matter how distressing THEY found it, it’s not about them. They have the privilege of scrolling by a FB post. You have to live with the grief every single day. So don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel embarrassed. Your girl was here, she deserves to be celebrated. And just like any living children, she too deserves to be mentioned as many times as you want to, and remembered in any way you chose to.

Your friends/ cousin are idiots. I also lost my daughter and post similar things on instagram, including during blaw. There is a whole community of loss mums who will support you. I’ve lost a few friends over the last 10 months but they are not worth the effort if they can’t make an effort after the tragic death of a baby.

Rosie is such a pretty name.

Do whatever you need to do for your own mental health. These people are no good to you.

I’m so sorry for the loss of baby Rosie

Baby loss awareness week helps in breaking taboos. After my son was stillborn, it really helped me to build a network of people that had been through similar experiences and so many people in my life opened up to me. I don’t post about it often on social media but always for Wave of Light. I realise that I might be upsetting people with difficult reminders... but feel that I’m helping more people by being able to talk about it, and it helps me.

I’m sorry that some people around you have not been supportive. Focus on those who are xx

Im sorry.🙏

Omg I’m so shocked at the reaction of your friends and cousin. I feel like crying for you. You have had such a hard time and emotions are very raw I’m very shocked at the lack of emotional support you are receiving.

Perhaps they’re finding it too emotional and aren’t able to process things but still that’s no excuse for their shocking behaviour

I’m so sorry op. You are not unreasonable at all... I’m so shocked at people’s lack of empathy and no ur not so sensitive..

I am so sorry about your little one. I don’t have children, but I can’t imagine a more painful loss. These people are not your friends. You are supposed to not be grieving any more after 2 months? If your cousin is having fertility issues, and that’s why I don’t have children, painful definitely. Especially when others around you seem to have kids so easily. Pretty sure it wouldn’t compare to losing a baby that you have actually carried and given birth to though. She unfriended you? She did you a favour. 💐

I'm so so sorry for your loss xxx

Your daughter has the same name as my daughter who I lost on 11/11/2010 at 16 weeks. Ignore all the haters & do whatever helps you come to terms with your loss. The best advice I was given was that you never get over a loss, but you learn to live with it, the bad days get less, but there will always be a special place in your heart.

I’m so sorry, losing a child must be so obscenely difficult.

Step away from social media like FB. The bereavement board on here is recommended on other sites, maybe use that to vent/cry/whatever.

I can't believe some of your friends, and I really cant believe your cousin. What an absolute bitch.

I am so sorry for your loss. I would just blank her where possible and grey rock her the rest of the time. She doesn't deserve your time and attention.

I've found through personal experience that people don't know what to say and so they keep their distance, when you've lost a baby. I appreciate they don't know what to say, but to not even try to be there just to listen, that's cold.

I've been through multiple losses and have still made sure friends know I'm there, when they've gone through the same or similar. If I can do it, I don't see why others can't, I'm hardly a strong person.

Oh absolutely you are in no way being unreasonable. The very fact that you are even considering the feelings of others is admirable. I am so very sorry about your baby girl. Sadly people just don’t know how to deal with it or how to approach you and then they get it VERY wrong. It must be devastating and lonely to be so let down by those who ought to be supporting and caring for you. Please do feel free to tell us about your beautiful daughter

Firstly I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Rosie - beautiful name too.

These people are not true friends and if I were you I'd remove them from your life as much as possible. There is no excuse for such behaviour excepting they'd had a very similar recent loss of their own, possibly, but I suspect as they're your friends you would know if that were the case.

Even IF they didn't want to see those particular posts or your posts for a while it's very easy to mute/hide/ignore temporarily, on Facebook I know they could have switched off seeing posts shared from sands or similar.

As for your cousin? Fuck her! She's behaved appallingly and doesn't deserve any further consideration or time from you.

I have, sadly, several friends and family who've experienced late pregnancy loss, stillbirth and neonatal loss. Sands have been fantastic in supporting them, but they have also had support and kindness from those of us who love them.

Almost all of them shared posts on sm for baby loss awareness month (as did I, I've lost 3 to mc myself) and the losses date back in some cases 30+ years.

We share not only to acknowledge our own grief, but so that others who've been/are going through similar know they are not alone and even that there's at least one person in their circle who knows how it feels and possibly that they could confide in.

Each year I am surprised in a very sad way at those who are "joining" this "club" that nobody really wants to be a member of.

This year it was 2 of my dds friends, it just saddened me the realisation that this is now something directly affecting her generation.

2 months is no time at all, hell you'll still have your hormones going nuts! You've done nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned.

You do what helps you at this sad and difficult time.

Unfortunately it tends to be at times of crisis you discover some friends aren't true friends.

People who do this type of thing are usually extremely self centred. Having lost a full term baby myself, I was shocked at the lack of support from some people. Some people had excuses like:
“Oh well it’s upsetting for them to talk about” etc etc. Well tough shit they find it upsetting. I mean how do they think you feel?? It’s your baby that died not theirs! Let them go OP, they arent worth the effort. I’m sorry you lost your baby girl xx

I can’t even believe what I have just read! Your cousin is absolutely vile! I’m so sorry. I can only imagine that it’s just too difficult for people to see - it’s such a tough, heartbreaking subject and it might just be too overwhelming for people to read about it? I have a friend who posts about a similarly upsetting cause and I must admit I unfollowed him because I just couldn’t bear to see the posts, they broke my heart. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was the exact opposite - I cared SO much that I just couldn’t cope with seeing the sad posts every day as they made me feel so distressed. I imagine that the people who unfriended you were like me and never thought you’d notice, but maybe felt it was too painful to see? I know that’s incredibly selfish of them (and me). I also imagine they’d be mortified if they found out you’d noticed. Your cousin though is particularly nasty - id cut her out for that message to be honest. She should be supportive and if she can’t cope with seeing the posts then she should have quietly hidden them, not sent that.