Rehoming dog

[littlepeaegg]

I feel utterly dreadful. I will try to shorten this so it doesn't take too long.

We have a dog which we got as a puppy three years ago, "Z". He is amazing and such a good dog. No issues at all.

We then decided to rescue a pup "O" a year ago. He didn't have the best start to life. He was ten weeks old when we took him home.

He is amazing, such a beautiful boy. Everything about him is great. Except he has MAJOR separation anxiety.

We paid for puppy classes, we have since paid for 1-1 behavioural training. Nothing has helped. We are prisoners in our own home.

If we leave the dogs; if we have a family night going out for a meal etc, we come home to pure destruction. I mean, carpet ripped up, sofa ripped up, doors chewed. It's on going.

We cannot crate train him, as we have been told by the Vet and behaviourist trainers that he will just harm himself.

We have exhausted every possible option.

The only option left is training him. But this is a very long process. The lady from Blue Cross came over yesterday to lay out our options.

The training will mean us staying in 24/7. He cannot he left alone at all.

We do not have family or friends near by. So we can't ask them to pop over to watch O if we need to pop out for anything.

The BC lady said if we were to leave him in this process, it would erase all the work previously. So he cannot be left alone at all.

Luckily my partner has his office at home so that is one positive. But he also works away. So if I get called out for work, and my partner is away, O would be left alone.

I just don't think we have the time to realistically do this training. The BC lady told us this isn't a quick fix, it can take years.

We have a son who is 8, we like to do things as a family and it's not always possible to bring the dogs. Our other dog Z is absolutely fine left alone for a few hours. So no issue there.

But is it fair for my son and as us as a family to now have to stay in constantly? Am I being unreasonable? Or has anyone else got any recommendations for us.

This is a HUGE thing, we have not made a decision yet. It's not being taken lightly either as we love O. But it's putting a huge stress on us as a family, and there is a lot of tension most of the time.

When we do go out, we are anxious and cannot relax as we know we are coming home to carnage.

We walk him daily, we make sure he has high value treat for when we do leave. We leave jumpers to smell is us, tele is on. Our other dog is here too.

The lady at BC has said if we did want to rehome, they do a direct home scheme. Where we would meet the potential new owners first, go for a walk with O etc and decide if we think O would benefit from them. The BC said this happens a lot with separation anxiety, as it's not a quick fix and is a very hard thing to train.

Any ideas? AIBU? Thank you x

Thank you all. Most of the advice here has been great.

Like I have said previously, we do not want to rehome O. It is our very last resort. We want to exhaust every possible option before hand.

My partner is away at the moment but when he gets back we are going to see what we can put in place for when we are all out of the house. The day care sounds great, but I need something for those days we need to do something last minute... unsure if daycare would take O last minute. But that is something that we can discuss with them.

@ShipShapeandBristolFashion why would you think this is something that I have done to cause this distress?! Utter nonsense!! Are you a professional in this field? I highly doubt it if you are making comments like that. The only thing that I feel like I have done that probably hasn't helped is the fact that I absolutely adore and love O, and have probably made his attachment greater with me.

So our plan for now is;

1. to really try and stay at home with him as much as we possibly can.

2. to get a crate in the car, and try to train him to like the car! Then we can do sporadic post office trips etc with him in the car with us.

3. we are going to start writing down all of the triggers. Then pick one of these and do them throughout the day. To desensitise him to these triggers that we are leaving. Once he has got used to one, we are going to try another.... and so forth. So picking up keys, putting shoes on are examples.

4. once desensitised to these triggers, we will join them together but still not leave.

5. get a camera for the kitchen, so when we are able to start leaving him (I mean walk out the door and not go far around the corner) we can see before he gets to that anxious point and come back.

And I guess carry on as so and see if it works.

We just signed up to 'borrow my doggy' as that might be good for someone to take him for a walk etc so we can plan to leave the house then.

He's great with other people and dogs so will not have an issue there.

For all of those saying 'you can't just get a dog then ditch him.' Yep. I do know this. But until you have been in our situation maybe keep those ideas to yourself. We DO NOT want to rehome him. It is very last resort. Even if we did rehome him; this could take a long time to find someone that we agree to. We wouldn't have just 'ditch' him back at the kennels etc.

Thank you so much for those who have offered beneficial help. I really think if we can just try and find someone local to help us for when we go out then it might just work!

I am still unsure on the crate, but we might bring the crate in from the car. We need to see.

By the way he is a Lurcher for those who have asked.

@gwackywacky that actually sounds like a great idea! Thank you.

We have exhausted every possible option.

No you haven't, you 'paid' for puppy training and 'paid' for a behaviourist. You haven't crated him or tried, and instead are shying away from what has been suggested because it's clearly too much and you don't want to spend the effort because it will take time and disrupt your cinema trips. Little drip feed about your child too. You've allowed this to escalate and should have done something sooner.
Yes, go ahead and rehome that poor boy. Hopefully he'll go to someone who is willing to spend the time on him that he deserves. Someone that thinks he is worth the effort.

@adaline no we didn't just leave him and make him put up with it.

We actually have paid a fortune already on dog behaviourist to come and see us and O.

We mainly have tried leaving him for short amounts of time to a gradual increase. We did this a few times.

But we have new techniques from Blue Cross now which I think are going to benefit O much more. Thanks for your concern.

It sounds really challenging. I dont think you can realistically be expected to live like this for the sake of a pet, no matter how much you wish you could. Him destroying your house is not a small deal

@littlepeaegg I get the feeling you know. I have a problem cat and not only is he stressful, hevhas also cost me ££££. But I know that rehoming him is not an option. Firstly, I love him. And secondly, I dont think he would find another home. Not the way he is.

Please consider sticking with it. Try everything you've said and start that relief group. You could actually end up making some great friends through it too.

Keep at it and please update it. Lots of love to you and O x

Jesus, people can be so ridiculously harsh. Op, the crate training will be your saviour. I knew a guy whose dog was just like yours - to save his flat, his belongings, and to protect his dog from eating stuff that would mean a trip to the vet, he got the dog gradually used to the crate and would shut the door and go out. The dog couldn't have bedding in there as it would just eat it, so it had a plastic tray which was fine. It meant he could keep the dog, the dog wouldn't go to the vet, it worked out fine. Not everyone can pay to have someone there 24/7, or have friends and family who can be there to help with separation anxiety training, but the crate at least provides a solution. Sometimes a family isn't the right one for the dog, but at least give the crate a chance and hopefully doggo will feel happier with a space to call his own.

Fuck off with the guilt tripping of op too.

Also, some charities that rehome are foster charities not kennel, so even if at very last resort he needs a family who will better placed to match with him and help him had be going to someone's home and not a cold kennel somewhere.

@littlepeaegg I wasn't saying it to be unpleasant - I was just wondering what you'd done so far. I think it can be easy when you've got an older/settled dog to just leave the puppy with them and assume it'll be okay.

Ours is 20 months now and although he dislikes being left, he can cope for a couple of hours. Have you tried exhausting him before you go out? So a big long walk off lead so he can run and sniff, then leave him somewhere as puppy-proofed as possible with a tasty kong or chew for him to focus on?

That's the only way mine will cope - if I tried to get up and go out without him for two hours without a good walk he would be a nightmare, but if he's tired and has something to focus is attention on he's generally okay.

What guilt tripping? OP states she has done everything possible - except she hasn't.
Challenging dogs are not easy, I know because I have one. If you are not prepared to put the effort in, then let him go. Don't proclaim to have tried it all then in another breath state the only option left is to train him.

@littlepeaegg

Xanax is probably not the best medication for him. I’d suggest something longer term (a TCA or SSRI). Have you seen a veterinary behaviourist? If the meds aren’t working, he meds different meds. Training alone will not be effective as it sounds like he’s phobic at being separated and you need effective meds to reduce his anxiety

However even with meds you’re looking at significant counter conditioning to get him comfortable. Can he be fostered/breed specific rescue prior to rehoming? You don’t say how big/old he is but it sounds like he needs someone who will always be with him.

Unfortunately separation anxiety increases with rehoming so his future does look potentially problematic. It’s a rubbish situation for you and him

@littlepeaegg I'm glad you have some more options to look into, O will be part of the family after being with you a year. If you can't ever leave the house I imagine that's really emotionally draining and it's so hard to see a way out of it. My suggestion of daycare wouldn't necessarily need to be long term. Ddog2 was able to be left after about 5 or six weeks, it can be that quick.

I so hope you find something that will work for you and O. Al the best!

If you're going to stay home/not leave him alone as a starting point to SA training I would also take the opportunity to crate train him.

To begin with DONT close the door at all, just treat it like a bed/hidey hole.

Get a cover for it, our dog settles much more if it's covered as it makes him feel safer.

Scruffs armadillo beds are nigh on scratch/chew proof so a good idea to have one of these in the bottom. It's the only thing that's survived our bull terrier!

I have no doubt my house too would be wrecked without a crate, we were advised by the breeder to crate train from the off as much as for his own safety as to protect the house.

I would re home him.

@littlepeaegg firstly, if you're on Facebook search for Lurcher Appreciation Society. I'm a member. Lurchers have specific habits and needs. Do you know what cross he is? Secondly, I have a rescue lurcher (one of my 3 Ddogs) who had awful SA when I brought her home. Couldn't be left for 30 seconds or else she was inconsolable. I did train her and now she is happy to be left alone for hours (with my other Ddogs), and just naps on the sofa happily. She was so bad that my DH was questioning whether we should rehome her but I was adamant that from the day we brought her home, she was family. I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty, but to demonstrate that he can be trained. We did consult a behaviourist, and we do have very specific techniques in place to ensure she knows that we're temporarily leaving and will be back. (Neither my DH nor I can leave the house without saying 'bye bye' to her 4 years later, even if the other is home or she will panic.) I don't want to ram techniques down your throat, I'm sure you've had conflicting advice, but also very happy to talk through what worked with our lurcher.

Oh and the Lurcher Appreciation Society (LAS) is full of behaviourists and people with decades of lurcher experience - who will all be very happy to help. If you do end up needing to rehome they also have contacts in most of the rescues that deal with lurchers (unfortunately they're one of the most commonly dumped and rescues are full of them), or you may find people local and willing to help out in more practical ways. It's a fab community.

OP- You need more support and help with this than you have so far received. Its ridiculous that you have been told you can't crate train yet no-one has given you an alternative. If it were me, I would go to the vet and get another referral to someone who knows what they are doing- like howlinprowlin who sounds like she knows what she's talking about.

Ignore the animal-child comparisons. It annoys me no end when people try to compare pets to children- they are not the same at all. My friend lost her 5 year old child last year- should I say to her "oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel because I had my dog put down last year"? Of course not. I adore dogs but they are NOT the same as your own children and anyone who has lost a child will tell you that. Yes, you do have a commitment and a responsibility to this dog to try everything within your power to make it work.

However, if you have exhausted all avenues and nothing has worked then it is probably kinder to rehome the dog to someone who has the time and emotional capability to work with him to help him rehabilitate than for everyone in your house to be in a constant state of anxiety and stress. Good luck!

Blimey there are some guilt trippers on here. You cannot have your 8 year old child confined at home and not ever go out as a family because of a pet. That’s absolutely crazy!! Try the crate and if it doesn’t work, rehome.

I’ve got a dog and she is loved but there is no way I would allow her to impact our lives in such a negative way for years. Does your child not do any out of school activities? Do you and DH not go? Do you not go to parents evening?

Ignore the types who equate pets with humans, try the crate and if it doesn’t work, then as sad as it is, the dog can’t stay.

Have you tried a collar called a gentle leader? I got mine from the vet to help with boisterous strong dog when out walking. It works because it applies gentle pressure to the back of the neck in the same way as a mother does when she carries her puppies. I occasionally use it when we have visitors to keep our beloved pooch calm. The desired effect is instantaneous.

Hiya, our DDog was like this when we got him as a 1year old rescue.
We couldn't afford day care so I printed off some ads asking if anyone was interested in looking after him and offering £30 a week.
Not much, but as much as we could afford at the time.
We had loads of offers and he went to a lovely retired lady who adores dogs but couldn't commit to having her own. He basically sat beside her on the sofa all day, watching quiz shows and having his ears stroked.
When she moved away to her daughters a few years ago he seemed to have grown out of his anxiety and is fine left at home now with the telly on.
Would this be an option?

Shove it in a crate when you go out and see what happens. How on earth does a dog self harm in a crate? I wouldn't allow a dog to dictate how I live my life and nor should you. Some people have issues with crates being cruel and it might be this that is pushing the 'oh, he might harm himself' angle.

When you get a 'rescue' you have no idea what you're getting or what the animal's past has been like, in most cases. If the dog is neurotic and destructive it might well be why the previous owner palmed it off. But please don't feel guilty about getting shot of it. Those 'A Dog Is For Life' stickers cause no much unnecessary angst.

Dogs can try and break out the crate and get injured in the process @wheat2harvest and if the dog is stressed out by putting him in a crate, it's going to make the problem worse not solve it. Owning a dog does dictate your life, you don't own a dog and decide to piss off for a weekend and leave it at home..

It's going to be a long, slow process but you can get there. I mean really long and really slow. Which you know. But it is possible so good luck.

I am not a dog owner so can't comment on whether crate training will work.

But I do think visiting the vet once more for a higher dose if xanax and/or different / additional medication may be the only option left. I don't know whether you can get lorazapam (for dogs) to give whenever you are going out as an acute treatment.

But you have to be able to live your lives and it's wrong that your 8 year old should not have opportunities because of the dog. It is the lesser of two evils if you do end up having to rehome as you have to put your dc first (which includes not having stressed / miserable parents)

It sounds like you are a great pet owner to me, you love him, feed him, walk him and care for him. You have done more than most people would, you love him I know that but there are 3 other people in your family too to consider.

I would try the crate again, and the drugs as recommended by @HowlinProwlin and see how you get on. The very best of luck.