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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore friend also having fertility issues?

50 replies

Namechangen · 25/10/2019 14:38

Into year 2 of infertility and TTC and have an old school friend in the same situation. They’re unexplained and trying pre IVF procedures. We’ve had one failed round of IVF and going for another soon. Been told IVF is our only option.

Throughout the whole time she’s been ‘using’ me as far as I can see for information. She’ll text when she gets her period saying she’s really down. She’ll ask me tons of questions about IVF as they might go for it - things like where is the best clinic, what’s the statistics on it working for me versus for her, how does ivf work, what cost is it - how does the cost differ in all the clinics. I’ve been patient and replied with as much information as I can but I’m just fed up now. She never asks how I am or how I’m feeling. We went to a consult at a few different clinics when looking for where to go next and she’s text me four times just saying ‘which clinic was the best’.

The first time she text me this was at my best friends wedding which I’d told her was on that weekend. I was trying to have a nice time and was annoyed at her messaging me about IVF in the middle of the wedding so I just deleted her text. She’s sent it three more times at different intervals and I’ve ignored it.

AIBU to just not reply? I just don’t feel up to it or that it’s my place to inform her of everything. I wasn’t born knowing what to do in this situation - I’ve had to read up on everything myself!

I’m thinking I can just ignore her until I feel up to it then reply saying sorry for not replying but I was having a bad time. And not telling her which clinic was best..

AIBU?

OP posts:
isseywith4vampirecats · 25/10/2019 14:51

just keep texting back google is your friend

Original poster
Namechangen · 25/10/2019 15:04

I think I would feel worse doing that as I don’t want to be rude or mean to her but I just feel like I’ve enough of an emotional burden to deal with myself without shouldering hers as well. I just feel bad to ignore her but also annoyed at her for putting so much on me.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 25/10/2019 15:06

She’s probably feeling lonely and needing to know she’s not alone.

VulcanRay · 25/10/2019 15:09

I would be honest and say your own situation is still very painful and that you don’t have the emotional capacity right now to support her in the way she wants. Tell her you want to bunker down and focus on your own fertility, and that whilst you won’t be responding to her texts looking for recommendations, facts, figures etc, that doesn’t mean you don’t wish her well.

atlanticblueandgreen · 25/10/2019 15:10

In fairness, she didn’t know you were at a wedding, did she?

VulcanRay · 25/10/2019 15:11

OP says she did know about the wedding.

TheBeesKnee · 25/10/2019 15:13

She's being insensitive and self-centered, but if this infertility issue is "new" then that's pretty normal, I think.

Do you ever see her in real life? If so I would have a frank chat with her about the effect her texts are having on you face to face. If not, text her something along the lines of "I'm finding it really upsetting talking about this all the time. I'd appreciate it if you could stop bringing it up for the time being. Thx 4 understanding, best of luck, etc etc"

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 15:15

ignore her messages... all of them Grin

MarthasGinYard · 25/10/2019 15:15

I think I'd just reply when you have a minute TBH

SantaIsReal · 25/10/2019 15:16

I'd just be honest with her. I can imagine that you're feeling the strain of having to go through this and just say to her I've given you what information I can however I'm not in the right mental or emotional state to keep giving this information and to go to google! I don't think she means her questions in a bad way and is probably relieved there is someone in her position she can ask these questions however I do understand how emotionally taxing this must be for you at this time Flowers

Itsallpetetong · 25/10/2019 15:21

I would be honest and say your own situation is still very painful and that you don’t have the emotional capacity right now to support her in the way she wants

^this, and I say this as someone who has been through the emotional rollercoaster of IVF.

atlanticblueandgreen · 25/10/2019 15:21

Fair enough, I’d just be honest then.

I tend to assume with texts people will pick them up when they see them

FaithInfinity · 25/10/2019 15:21

atlantic it says in the OP that the friend did know she was at the wedding.

Namechangen I get it. We’ve had similar issues. We are very fortunate to have a DD after a long fertility struggle and are reaching acceptance that we will probably never have another. We were quite open about our difficulties and people have asked us for advice which is fine...but there is a manner in which some people ask and it sounds like this ‘friend’ is only in it for what you can give her. No courtesy about how you are. No sharing of information. She just wants you to do the work for you. I would be blunt and say that things are still very difficult and although you understand they are for her too you just need some space from the topic. She will either back off, she might get annoyed with you (‘How can you be so selfish?’ type thing) or she’ll carry on regardless. If it’s the latter you’ll have tI seriously consider cutting contact.

Newbie1981 · 25/10/2019 15:22

Hmm, tricky one as it's supposed to be your friend so why wouldn't you tell her the best clinic! Your frustration is at your situation not her so I think you're misdirecting it. Really hope you're successful soon Biscuit

GruciusMalfoy · 25/10/2019 15:22

I am sure she's struggling with this as much as you are, but you don't have to be her go to person just now. I'd text her as kindly as possible, saying that you understand her feelings completely, but that you're not able to give her all the answers and all the support she needs at this point because of where you are at this point too. Perhaps tell her how you went about things, and that as everyone's position is different, you don't have all the answers for her.

I hope your next round of treatment goes well x

OrangeSlices998 · 25/10/2019 15:29

You are allowed to set yourself a boundary, you're not responsible for her anxiety and uncertainty around IVF. She has access to the internet I presume. She might want some reassurance and feel isolated, but that doesn't mean YOU owe her reassurance and comfort when you're also still going through your own struggles. I'd be honest, and say something about needing to take care of yourself. Flowers

TheBrockmans · 25/10/2019 15:30

Could you stop being so helpful, so maybe say something like every couple is different and really they need to look into it for themselves as the one which was right for you might not be right for them.

Witchinaditch · 25/10/2019 15:35

I think it’s very common for friends to rely on each other that way? I’ve friends who message me all the tine about their pregnancies as it’s first time for them and I’ve done it before. She probably isn’t using you just maybe being a bit insensitive as constantly talking about IVF could be and probably is upsetting and stressful for you, maybe explain this in a nice way rather than not engaging. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope you fall pregnant in your next round. Good luck!!

Drum2018 · 25/10/2019 15:38

Just tell her that each clinic offers a different perspective and will be personal to each couple - basically what suits you as a couple might not suit them so you cannot answer her question as to which clinic is best. Then add the suggestion by pp about not being emotionally able to support her while you are drained emotionally yourself.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/10/2019 15:40

I would explain that your really not up to overly discussing the ins and outs any further- explain how you think she would benefit researching it herself and explain vaguely how she should go about it, then you can leave it.

mumwon · 25/10/2019 15:44

www.hfea.gov.uk/choose-a-clinic/
send her this website - say its better for her to look at this as it has details of success for each clinic age group specific

MarthasGinYard · 25/10/2019 15:47

I'd also say

'I get my information from 'name' website, you might find it helpful too'

Breathlessness · 25/10/2019 15:50

‘She never asks how I am or how I’m feeling.’

She’s not being a friend to you. She’s not even at the IVF stage yet. I’d send her something about everyone needing to check out clinics themselves to find the best fit for them and let her texts go a couple of days without answering.

ASmallMovie · 25/10/2019 16:00

Could be way off in the wrong direction here but what if you suggest the ‘best’ clinic and it doesn’t work out for her, she wouldn’t then blame you, would she? Just a left-field thought.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 16:01

I feel sorry for her tbh. She’s going through a tough time and knows you are experiencing the same, you’re probably her only friend who understands the pain. She’s turning to you for support and advice because she knows you understand and you hate her for it...

I have had a few miscarriages as has my friend so we have supported each other a lot through it. I wouldn’t resent her for confiding in me, she is my friend.

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