To ignore friend also having fertility issues?

[Namechangen]

Into year 2 of infertility and TTC and have an old school friend in the same situation. They’re unexplained and trying pre IVF procedures. We’ve had one failed round of IVF and going for another soon. Been told IVF is our only option.

Throughout the whole time she’s been ‘using’ me as far as I can see for information. She’ll text when she gets her period saying she’s really down. She’ll ask me tons of questions about IVF as they might go for it - things like where is the best clinic, what’s the statistics on it working for me versus for her, how does ivf work, what cost is it - how does the cost differ in all the clinics. I’ve been patient and replied with as much information as I can but I’m just fed up now. She never asks how I am or how I’m feeling. We went to a consult at a few different clinics when looking for where to go next and she’s text me four times just saying ‘which clinic was the best’.

The first time she text me this was at my best friends wedding which I’d told her was on that weekend. I was trying to have a nice time and was annoyed at her messaging me about IVF in the middle of the wedding so I just deleted her text. She’s sent it three more times at different intervals and I’ve ignored it.

AIBU to just not reply? I just don’t feel up to it or that it’s my place to inform her of everything. I wasn’t born knowing what to do in this situation - I’ve had to read up on everything myself!

I’m thinking I can just ignore her until I feel up to it then reply saying sorry for not replying but I was having a bad time. And not telling her which clinic was best..

AIBU?

She might've thought you'd empathise and then want to talk about your own stuff. She might've thought you wouldn't want direct questions about how you were feeling. Do you want anyone else to talk to? I assume not from what you're saying, but if you did then I think she's given you an opening. Some people just like data gathering. I've been through it and would still happily chat away about hospitals etc now. But of course we're all different - I think maybe she needs to know more bluntly that you'd rather not talk about it at all.

Your friend may not mean anything by it but that doesn't change the fact that it upsets you. I would text to say that you are just not in the headspace at the moment to go through facts and figures and you trust she understands.

I wouldn’t resent her for confiding in me, she is my friend

It doesn’t sound like she’s confiding though, she sounds like she’s treating OP as a mentor to guide her through fertility treatment which is a heavy load to carry if you’re navigating it yourself and getting nothing back in the way of any support or consideration of what you’re going through.

I think you’ve had some good advice OP and would not be UR in asking/telling her to back off.

Just ignore them.

Where is the best clinic?

“Oh it’s so personal what is best for one isn’t for another. I would visit yourself and see what you think”

Continue in the same vein

She obviously values your opinion and is looking for advice I dont think there is anything wrong with this.

Equally if you cant deal with it that is fone, just let her know you dont want to talk about it so much. I would give your opinion on clinc first though as isnt difficult and why not help her?

She sounds like she needs support. Have you told her about mumsnet? I would much prefer a text from someone saying "sorry but IVF really emotionally drains me and I don't like speaking about it more than I need to" rather than being blanked!

Would it really be that difficult for you to tell her which was the best clinic? It seems spiteful of you to want to do that. In all fairness to her, you have been engaging and open with all information so far and havent mentioned anything to her about how you feel about the constant questions.
Be an adult and rather tell her that it's too much for you instead of just ignoring her. That's nasty.

Am I the only person who thinks it's appropriate to be upfront and say I don't know if you realise you are doing it but you only ever text me for information about your own personal chances and never take into consideration that I'm struggling too and maybe would appreciate a "how are you, how are you feeling" instead of a questionnaire. And by that I don't mean a quick, hi how are you... Anyway quick question I say this as someone who went through four and a half years of treatment. Going through your own struggles does not give you the right to be so blatantly uncaring about anyone but yourself

Would it really be that difficult for you to tell her which was the best clinic

It would be irresponsible to tell her because the best clinic for op may be the worst for her friend. Op might gel well with staff at one clinic but her friend might clash with them. Therefore the friend has to do her own research and go to the clinics herself and make a decision with her partner as to what one to use, not just go to a clinic because op thinks it's the best. Op is in no way being nasty, she's feeling used. Perhaps she needs to leave some time between answering this friend in order for the friend to quit asking so many questions.

Hi all, thanks for all of your replies.

@VulcanRay I’m realising that you are right. Before I didn’t mind the questions as much even though it did get to me that she never asked how I was, I think I had the reserves to deal with it all and with my own situation.

Now hitting the two year mark with still no baby has made me crumble a bit and I’m starting to have a lot of anxiety and feeling very upset so I think I just have nothing left in me.

She hasn’t changed her behavior and as some posters said I have been very helpful to her before so it’s unfair not to reply when she can’t know I’ve just hit a emotional wall myself.

@IndefatigableMouse it’s actually the opposite. I’ve been quite open with our struggles whereas she has told no one except me and her husband (me as I told her we were having difficulties when she asked if we were trying) so the full responsibility of dealing with her emotions of this is falling to me and her husband. I had suggested before she should tell her best friend/mum to have more people to support her but she said no and just continues to text me.

I don’t think I would mind as much if it was just supporting each other but it’s the constant questions that are getting to me.

Anyway taking on board all your comments I messaged her saying that I was sorry for not replying but that I was struggling quite a bit at the minute myself. That we thought X clinic was the best for our specific issue and that I’m planning to take a break and look after myself over the next few months so I might be off the radar for a while.

Going to look into some counselling or mindfulness for myself too as your responses have made me realise I’m not in the best place right now in general.

Thanks.

@MsChatterbox I’ve sent her links to the infertility boards here and in our on country and links to the HFEA website and several clinics website and I’ve recommended books and podcasts but she never acknowledge these and just continues to ask me to tell her stuff.

I just wanted to say take care of yourself op. It's such a tough place to be and put yourself first

YANBU and I'm sorry you are experiencing infertility

I think we all have times in our lives when we lean on our friends in an unbalanced way, and that's fine, it's how friendships work.
Over time it should balance out (not wishing hard times on anyone of course, but we all experience ups and downs).

While someone going through the same experience may be the best person to empathise, they are probably not the best person to go to for support; now when you're both in the thick of it.

Your friend needs to recognise this and draw the line between you sharing this difficult time and how much emotional energy you can provide.

I would be honest with her though; you haven't done anything wrong.

YANBU.

Good luck.

YANBU. Good luck with everything.

yanbu. now that you've let her know where you're at, I think you can safely ignore any further requests from her. unless they are to ask how you are.

hugs

YANBU. If she wants support with zero reciprocation then she needs to find a support board.
She is being selfish and just taking from you.

Your friend is not being selfish, just misguided. IVF is very stressful, time consuming, and expensive. Your friend cant possibly put herself in your shoes, so your text to her should go someway to clarifying the situation.
In a way it is comforting to know that she believes you are handling it well, and in truth you are. However, finding out each month you're not pregnant is absolute torture, and even a dippy friend should really understand if you put it that way. Best Wishes

If she is earlier in the process she might not realise that sometimes you need to not think about it for a bit for the sake of your mental health.

I'd suggest; "I can't be more supportive because I need to take time out from thinking about IVF. Can we just talk about it once a week when we meet for coffee (or whatever)?"

Perfect message op. You have helped, taken a step back and explained why politely rather than ghosting. Well done really considerate when you are having a hard time.

Hopefully now you have dealt with friend you can forget about that and concentrate on yourself. Mindfulness is brilliant, hope counselling helps too. Good luck with IVF, cant imagine how difficult that is

She is being selfish. Not respecting OPs boundaries. Never asking after her.

She's using Op as a real life Yelp.

On the basis you have tried pointing her in the direction of FertilityFriends and other very informative helpful chat forums & she simply hasn’t bothered, I know you’ll feel bad, it does come across that she sees you as the ‘easy alternative’. Time to put yourself firsy.

I don’t mean that to be harsh to you, OP. Been there, done that and it turns out in my situation she didn’t even need IVF. She was doing it to make me feel ‘not so alone’. We don’t speak any more.

Wishing you every success in your journey xxxxx

That’s a really healthy boundary you’ve set up there OP, well done. Wishing you all the very best

I can understand how this makes u feel. Don’t feel u have to reply to texts. I’ve recently learnt that! In my mind as soon as I read a text I must reply. I’m changing this. If u find it hard just give yourself little goals like I’ll read it but reply tomorrow etc