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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask...Would you relocate under these circumstances?

43 replies

DanceMonkey · 25/10/2019 14:38

We have lived in DH's hometown for the last 12 years with only his dad close by as the rest of his family are dotted around the county.
I've recently had a few health issues and I have felt very unsupported and isolated so we've been talking about moving back to my hometown where all of my family live before DD starts school but we can't seem to decide what to do for the best.

Current Position-
-We own a 3 bed detached with large garden in good area close to good schools.
-We both have good stable jobs.
-I haven't managed to make any good friends and my DH only has one best friend from school.

I have no family close by and don't drive so find it difficult during hard times.

New Area-

We could probably afford a 3 bed semi with small garden in a good area close to good schools.
I'd struggle to find a job as well paid as mine for so little hours but I'd happily work my way up, DH should be fine.
I'm hoping having my family locally will mean more opportunity for us to socialise meaning we should make some new friends.
I'll have my whole family nearby for support.

Another thing I should probably add is that DH and I have been going through a rough time lately in our relationship. He has depression and the biggest thing holding me back from making this decision is that moving away from his hometown/family will make him feel as lonely as I feel sometimes.
Of course it could also mean a fresh start and improve our lives/relationship but I'm so scared it won't work out and it's not like we could just come back to our house/jobs etc.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SleepyKat · 25/10/2019 14:41

Probably not. I’d concentrate on trying to make friends where I was and learning to drive. There’s no guarantee that you’d make friends near where your family is. And you’d have worse jobs and a smaller house.

How much support do you think your family would actually be? Do they not have jobs/commitments? How close are you? I used to live close to family and they were no support at all.

NearlyGranny · 25/10/2019 14:48

If he's depressed, moving won't fix it is all I would say. I'd say prioritise getting him well, then decide, when he can be fully involved in the decision.

I moved for a career promotion when DH was very low and wanting a new start, but of course he brought the weather with him, as the song says.

When things didn' t work out for him as hoped, he blamed me for moving 'selfishly' to further my own career (and support him and the DC, but that wasn't mentioned) and claimed he would have been fine if we'd stayed. 🙄

user1480880826 · 25/10/2019 14:52

What family will you be moving to be near? Do they want to provide childcare for you so that you can socialize more? What will they actually do to support you through your difficulties?

The move could make your husbands depression worse - moving away from his dad, best friend, familiar home town and job is a big upheaval for him. Is he getting the treatment he needs?

Original poster

DanceMonkey · 25/10/2019 15:07

This is what I'm frightened of. He's currently on anti - depressants and is on the nhs waiting list for counselling.
I'd like to focus on getting him better first but I feel like we're on a time limit to make a decision as DD is almost 3 and we'll have to start applying for schools next September so will need to move by then.
My mum, brother, granddad, 2 aunties & uncles, 4 cousins all live in my hometown. Yes they all have their own lives/jobs but I'd see them more than just at Christmas/weddings/funerals etc. which would make me feel less alone.
My mum has said she would love to look after our DD as she misses her so much, and this would enable us to spend more quality time together as a couple/making new friends.

OP posts:

SleepyKat · 25/10/2019 16:20

House moves and new jobs are I think in the top 5 of most stressful life events. To do both at the same time when already depressed does not seem a good idea.

WarmFunKindStrong · 25/10/2019 16:43

What you imagine, versus reality may be quite different. I think Sleepkat might be right.

Just because family are nearby does not mean you'll see more of them. You family have built their daily lives without you in it, and are well established in the locality.

Moving there to be closer to them may not be anything like you imagine.

I would stay where I am and try and make a go of it.

Original poster

DanceMonkey · 25/10/2019 16:44

I just feel like if we don't move soon we're stuck here for the next 18 years as I won't want to take DD out of school so its now or never.

OP posts:

StillCalendula · 25/10/2019 16:52

I think it would be less problematic to move and change schools with DD later, than to move under the present circumstances.

WarmFunKindStrong · 26/10/2019 20:18

It might feel like that, but in reality it is not. Families relocate at various stages and times, the sky does not fall down.

Could you decide to visit more? Say one weekend a quarter? If your family don't make time for you on your weekend visit then it is pretty likely that they wouldn't if you relocated to be nearer to them.

Userzzzzz · 26/10/2019 20:25

How far away are the two areas and how often do you visit at the moment?

TowelNumber42 · 26/10/2019 20:28

Your lack of friends is your real problem. You are planning to move to use family as substitute for friends and as a means to make friends. I seriously doubt you've got nobody in your current location who could become a good friend to you. Have a big push on making friends for yourself.

Don't worry about making couple friends or ones DH likes. Make your own separate support group.

What has blocked you from making friends?

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 26/10/2019 20:32

I think you’ll end up with the same problems but in a different area, with worse money and the ‘fairytale happy families’ you have in your head won’t happen. Sorry.

Witchinaditch · 26/10/2019 20:35

How far away are your family?

SevenStones · 26/10/2019 20:42

I agree with the people who suggest you stay where you are. It seems an awful lot of upheaval for the possible returns.

If you think about the money and effort needed to do what you're thinking, if you put that into learning to drive and making new friend networks where you are I'm sure you'll find yourself a lot better off.

Moving to a more expensive area where you'll struggle to find work and where your depressed husband will find himself in the position of having no friends or relatives doesn't sound a great move.

I think the idea about never being able to move because of the school aspect is a bit of fantasy worry that may never happen.

Clarinet1 · 26/10/2019 20:52

I really think that your concern about DD moving schools at some point is unwarranted. Lots of kids do it, some many times. I'm not saying that it doesn't cause some upheaval but it can be done but what it probably takes is a strong, secure, happy family background which at the moment you do not really have. Moving to a totally new area for him when DH is already fragile emotionally would probably just make things worse for the three of you. On the other hand, if your concern is your own sense of isolation, I would agree with PPs that there must be something you could do to help this - Children's activities of some kind with DD? Join a book club? Go back to an interest you used to enjoy before you were married, say? Something that you and DH could go to together - might help his depression too?

gwackywacky · 26/10/2019 20:57

I would move personally

Belfield · 26/10/2019 21:16

I don't think you can move if your DH is ill. Children can move until 6 without any difficulty, it is only after that you might reconsider. The friends problem will follow you I think. It can be harder when you get older to make friends so you will have to make the effort in the new town also. You can make friends hopefully when your child starts school. A change of town won't change that

DonKeyshot · 26/10/2019 21:20

the biggest thing holding me back from making this decision

Why is is down to you to make this decision? How does your dh feel about a possible move away from his ddad and best friend? Does he feel it may lift his depression to start over near your family or does he think it may make it worse?

You are being incredibly precious about schooling for your dd. You're talking about applying for her first school next September which suggests you've got almost 2 years to move, plus there's no reason why she can't change schools at any time up until she starts studying for GCSEs.

yellowellies · 26/10/2019 21:23

Prioritise learning to drive if you can, then you will be able to visit the family more often. Once your DD starts school, there will be a pool if potential new friends for you in the other school mums- does she go to nursery now? You could invite a friend and mum around for coffee and a play?
Having a depressed DH you really need your own friends and to be able to get yourself and DD around without relying on him (speaking from personal experience)
Good luck whatever you decide

ChicCauldron · 26/10/2019 21:27

I would also be cautious OP, as your hometown is going to feel very different after 12 years away from it. If you haven't made any friends where you live now in 12 years (and your DD is only 3 so it's not that stopping you) then I'm wondering what makes you think it will be easier elsewhere?

Takingabreakagain · 26/10/2019 21:32

I wouldn't worry too much about moving you dd during primary school. Children are very resilient and make friends quite easily at a young age. My 3 dc went to more than one primary (forces family) and I don't think they have suffered in terms of schooling or social skills (actually socially it has made them good at making new friends and accepting others)
Perhaps you could wait until your dh has taken advantage of the counseling and discuss it further then.

ChicCauldron · 26/10/2019 21:35

I do actually think you have a point about not moving your DD during school too much, we moved before my DD started school and it wasn't fun tbh! It did affect her but it might not affect some children so much.

You do have time on your side if you have another year before you need to even apply for a place though.

Quartz2208 · 26/10/2019 21:36

Has he actually said that as it seems he doesn’t have much support here either

You both are depressed and lonely at the moments

cacklingmags · 26/10/2019 21:43

Fuck a Duck OP. If your other half suffers from depression and you have no support nearby - go and get it - move to where your people love you.

Original poster

DanceMonkey · 26/10/2019 21:44

The two areas are roughly 100 miles apart.
I meet up with my mum and brother once a month ish. We tend to take it in turns to visit each other or meet somewhere halfway.
My extended family I only see at Christmas, weddings, funerals etc (so 2-3 x a year.)
I’m not really sure what’s holding me back from making friends to be honest - I’m quite shy and crap at small talk so struggle in social situations.
I feel like it’s me making the decision as it’s me that’s suggested it. We’ve had countless discussions about it and DH says he’d be excited about a fresh start but nervous about a new job, not knowing anyone etc.

OP posts:

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