to ask...Would you relocate under these circumstances?

[DanceMonkey]

We have lived in DH's hometown for the last 12 years with only his dad close by as the rest of his family are dotted around the county.
I've recently had a few health issues and I have felt very unsupported and isolated so we've been talking about moving back to my hometown where all of my family live before DD starts school but we can't seem to decide what to do for the best.

Current Position-
-We own a 3 bed detached with large garden in good area close to good schools.
-We both have good stable jobs.
-I haven't managed to make any good friends and my DH only has one best friend from school.

• I have no family close by and don't drive so find it difficult during hard times.

New Area-

• We could probably afford a 3 bed semi with small garden in a good area close to good schools.
• I'd struggle to find a job as well paid as mine for so little hours but I'd happily work my way up, DH should be fine.
• I'm hoping having my family locally will mean more opportunity for us to socialise meaning we should make some new friends.
• I'll have my whole family nearby for support.

Another thing I should probably add is that DH and I have been going through a rough time lately in our relationship. He has depression and the biggest thing holding me back from making this decision is that moving away from his hometown/family will make him feel as lonely as I feel sometimes.
Of course it could also mean a fresh start and improve our lives/relationship but I'm so scared it won't work out and it's not like we could just come back to our house/jobs etc.

WWYD?

I was depressed after moving 5 years ago.

We moved to a not especially nice area from a lovely area (both London suburbs), I started a new job which I hated and found making friends very tricky.

However once DS started Reception I started to make some friends and now he’s in Y2 I have a very nice group but I had to put myself out there.

If you’re ok for money I’d use the time to learn to drive and getting your husband some private counselling - the NHS offering can be... challenging to access, shall we say.

Moving your child in early years of primary school is no big deal so I’d be less rigid about that. Several new joiners have come into DS’s class and they’ve fit in really well.

Do you mean you aren't allowed to drive or you don't know how? If the latter, I would give it a go. It will make a huge difference to have the independence.

Family isn't a substitute for friends and it doesn't sound like you'd be moving back to a big established social group.

I would stay put personally. Have you met people through nursery or baby groups for example?

YANBU. I would accept a smaller house for more support.

I don’t know how to drive - I learnt for years and failed my test twice whist I was pregnant, felt like I was throwing money down the drain so gave up. Had DD, went back to work part time and now don’t have a lot of disposable income.
My plan was when she starts school to increase my hours to be able to afford to start up lessons again.

Small talk can be learned. There are a gazillion youtubes with tips. The desire for friends can override shyness in getting you to force yourself to socialise.

What kind of friends do you want? What do you do for fun? What do you do to relax? What do you do to give yourself a confidence boost? Hobbies often fill these needs for people.

I would move. But your dd starting school in September is certainly not a week have to move by then’ type of situation.
If you move 1, 2 or 3 years later, it will still be ok.
The house is irrelevant (smaller garden, semi instead of detached is all ok)

As for your DH, you need to ask HIM.
He might be feeling isolated or he might not. If he only has one friend where you are and you can build up a network easily there from your own pool of friends, then he might well be happy about it. Or it might look overwhelming. Talk to him!

So your dh only has his dad and one friend there? Doesn't feel like home to me either. I'd absolutely move. 12 years is a long time to have no emotional connection via friends. His depression while awful, doesn't trump your needs.

I went to around 12 schools (military brat) and I did absolutely fine academically so I wouldn't worry too much about moving her once she's started school.

Do you take her to any groups or clubs where you can meet other parents/mums?

He's currently on anti - depressants and is on the nhs waiting list for counselling.

Would moving would mean a new GP and another referal for counselling given the distance you reference?

YANBU
I'd move

All those relatives would be a great support if you are both unwell and improvement to your social life too
Also you'd meet their friends, which does help make friends more easily

It's not as if he would be leaving a close support network,
but you would be gaining one

I also agree it's best to avoid moving schools later, if you can - I had to move schools a lot and it made it much more difficult to build up friendships

So if you're going to move, now is the time
FInd somewhere close to family and register with local doctors

When you are unwell, v difficult to suddenly learn things you couldn't do when you were well,

such as building up friendships with strangers and learning to drive

Yes, you should go home.

We moved miles from family and it was a mistake.

Being close to people who love you and your DD will make your life so much richer. You could wait forever for DH to improve. A partner being depressed can drag you down too. You need support to keep sane so you can support him. It's not like you're not dragging him away from a whole load of people. You said he only has one friend and his dad.

If your DH says he's up for it, take him at his word, go for it!

I would move

Your dh has said he'd like a fresh start, so what's stopping you - do it!

I think you losing your stable good job would be the reason for a no.

You say your dh would be able to get a similar job.

I would spend some time looking for work for yourself there first.

I think it would be unwise to rely only on his job.

What about your husband‘s father ? Is he on his own ? Will he be ok if you move?

My FIL has a partner so he won’t be on his own.
Such a mixed bag of responses so I’m glad it’s not just me who thinks it’s a difficult decision.
I do think I should spend the next 6 months trying to make new friends as I think that’s part of what makes me feel so isolated. I can’t afford to learn to drive again at the moment.

It all depends what your current health issues are, will extra support significant increase the chance of full recovery/ the best improvement you can get?

With depression, you may find it takes years for your husband to recover, do you want to put your life on hold for that long? Can you? Will a move decrease the impact on your child?

Also, does your husband get on well enough with your family to feel like he would be supported by them?

So much to think about but it doesn't sound like either of you have much holding you to where you are now.

I would move. The support network in your hometown just with your mum sounds good. If you have a brother who makes time to see you regularly when you're a hundred miles apart I'm sure you would see more of him if you lived closer. Then the extended family, cousins etc if they're your age may well introduce you to other people. Making friends and keeping them is hard work. Nothing wrong with socialising with family either. My half term is involving, pils for two nights, then an overnight with my sister and her family, and an evening with the neighbors. So bulk of that is family.