Is it me being an awful parent?

[Worriedmum1511]

Dd is 4 and has recently started school. Since around 2yr3m she has been under peads for possible ASD and things at home have always been difficult but manageable. Since starting school behaviours have gone utterly vile especially the past 3 weeks with increasingly violent meltdowns. She can't sit still, she is absolutely manic at home and out and about.

However at school she can sit still and is lovely and calm and one of the best behaved in class, zero issues on their front.

School have become aware of her behaviour because it's happening on pick up and drop off, it's hard not to see a 4 year old lashing out at their mum. They are quite clear she is fine there and have offered to do some parenting work with me.

I had more or less accepted it is me being rubbish and she's just being a naughty violent child for me. However I have just received her latest developmental observation from her childminders and several bits in that are the child I see at home rather than the child I see at school. Plus several people who usually help me out with watching her now won't because they can't keep her safe and at dancing her teacher is really struggling with her. So now I'm torn because surely they wouldn't be saying these things that they observe if they weren't seeing them? Plus her little brother is nothing like this. I can actually have a conversation with him or say things like "hold on a moment" without world war 3 breaking out.

I have spent all week devastated because it is obviously me but I don't know what to do about it but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable to say that it's not me?

No, it's not you at all.

As an asd mommy, I know that ds spends all day at school trying to be good and stick to the rules, trying to sit at his desk when he is supposed to and behaving like an nt child.
When he comes home then he lets out all the frustration that he has held in all day. Home with me is his safe place where he can let it all out.

I remember when he was in pre school they told me that he sits at his desk to eat his lunch with no issues. I couldn't believe it as he never sits still. I looked in one day and yes he was sitting down eating, all looked normal but under the table I could see his legs constantly fidgeting. I pointed it out and the teacher said she'd never noticed it.

Is there a Facebook group for autism parents that you can join in your area? I get great support from mine and it's great to hear from others in the same situation as myself.

Totally normal, and totally not you. Kids with ASD will often “mask” in the school environment, but it’s so much effort that they break and meltdown when they leave. It means that you’re her safe place! Masking is especially common in girls on the spectrum.

My DD's teacher referred to it as the bottle of coke effect, all day being shaken and bubbling up, then the bottle bursts open when they're back home

As pp have said, it sounds like she's working really hard all day to be good and fit with the school's expectations of behaviour, bless her. As a result by the time school finishes, she's got no more control left to give, and she knows she's coming home to a safe place, so she's letting go. She might not even be conscious that this is what's happening.

Having said that, you obviously need some support and some strategies to help both her and you manage that time, it sounds like it's really tough on you both, and probably on her brother too. Facebook support groups are a good place to start, talking to other parents about how they manage that time might throw up some good ideas. Keep on with the paeds assessment stuff and possibly ask them if they can signpost you to some extra support in the meantime while assessment is ongoing. Can you also talk to the SENCO at school? It sounds like they are well meaning, offering to do some parenting work with you, but tbh, unless they have a good idea of your DD's needs, they might be offering all the wrong strategies.

Yes to what others have already said about masking in the school and public environments.
You are the safe person. She feels safe having meltdowns with you because she knows you love her and will be there for her no matter what. All the tension she builds up during the school day unfortunately is released with you.
Sounds e you are the absolute opposite of an awful parent and are a parent who makes her feel safe and secure.

It doesn't have to be your fault for parenting classes to be helpful. I would be tempted to go along as they normally involve a lot of sharing tips with other parents. Every child is different and another parent may have good tips of things that helped, that might help your DD?

My DS1 is 11 and has ADD and autistic traits. He has never been a behaviour issue in school but can be violent and aggressive at home. He is excellent at masking. Sounds as though your daughter is too, and school should absolutely be aware of this as a phenomenon.

Oh and yes, I've been to a lot of parenting classes. They're generally great and have definitely had a positive effect on my reactions to DS1's behaviour.

Parenting class is good if it is for parents of children with needs like your child.
Standard ones may be a waste of time.

You are not an 'awful parent' - just the opposite; your daughter knows she is safe with you no matter what, so the mask slips. School is very much an unknown for her, so not 'safe'. The parenting 'work' may have been badly-phrased, and perhaps should be support, and might help.

I feel like all I have done the past 2 weeks is cry.

Can they really mask that well?

Her poor brother. Can't sleep in his bed in their room, begs me everyday not to pick her up. She's as horrid to him as she is me

I had more or less accepted it is me being rubbish and she's just being a naughty violent child for me.

Nah, it's not you at all. It's quite a well known thing for children with ASCs. Not all, but some of them put 100 per cent of their effort and energy in to behaving well at school - and the structure and routine of school can help - and they do manage to keep it together in that one setting. But the effort wears them out and as soon as they are with Mum in their "safe space" they let go and out it all comes.

There's a brilliant bit of cutting in the documentary about the Jackson family (8 kids nearly all with different ASC diagnoses) where the school says how well one of the boys copes at school even in quite demanding situations. Cut to his mother saying "I can tell when something has changed at school because he comes home and hits me".

The fact that you DD isn't coping in other settings outside of school is extra confirmation that this isn't you. At about that age I had to cut back on DS being in too many out of school groups as he found them too stressful, he really needed a lot of calm time to chill and rest and recover after school - but it was a difficult balance. I agree you could do with some more support. Is there a National Autistic Society parents' group that meets in your area?

This is extremely common with children who have Autism and other special needs...........so much so I'd be wary of my child attending a school where their first reaction is that it must be a parenting issue.

Do the parenting course by all means, they're very useful but the school need to do their part too and give your child down time to get all their fizz out so you aren't having to deal with an exhausted child each day.

Normal for autism
They lash out at you due to the frustration of being in an environment that doesn’t meet their needs
It’s called masking ,very common
Girls find it harder to get a diagnosis because clinicians use a score to diagnose aimed at males ,.
Look up lost girls on line ,there’s a fair bit about girls not getting diagnosed because people don’t recognise asd in girls as they present different.
Get your gp to refer you to camhs for assessment ,and start taking notes of things she does to help you when you need to fill forms in

I mean the school environment,not your home life
Sorry if that wasn’t clear x

Just on here to add my bit of support and confirmation. My DD(6) is a delight at school, once she’s been peeled off me kicking and screaming.
But luckily her DB was the same at that age, so I know it’s not me, and he got his dx very soon after.
We’re waiting to hear the results of DD’s ADOS on Wednesday.
Masking is soooo common, especially for girls.

Yep very common and though no longer at school or college, it still occurs if may dd has been out and about in the world masking all day. Everything comes out at home. Its very difficult.

All you can do is give her coping strategies that may not work yet as she is so young.
My daughter is now 20 and we had this from age 3. Buy the school need to be giving her a safe place to relax and recharge.

Just remember that it is not you or your fault. That she is able to do this as she feels loved and accepted at home. And it's the effort of being a square peg desperately trying to fit into a round hole at school. All that effort and frustration and constantly trying are hard work for her and the only place she can show this is at home.

She may actually give up at some point and stop masking so much at school and then the school will see some different behaviour, then they would need to put in strategies to help her.

It isn’t you. It really and truly isn’t. School sound unsupportive. This is not a parenting issue. They need to find ways to make school easier for her so she isn’t spending the whole day desperately trying to mask how difficult it is for her there.
because you sound really down.

Not you.
As said above. They have a tough time keeping it all in at school and some days are harder than others. Try and build in some down time and try and find out what is going on that day if possible from the teacher. End of terms and 'special' days or weeks at school produced a demon at home as the change in routine, new set of expectations, etc. meant a whole lot more effort and 'shaking and bubbling' (love that analogy!) during the day. I explained to the teacher so got a head's up when something was planned. Sometimes I would keep to myself and just be prepared in case of issues, other times I would prep DS on what that might mean to the school day, etc. so he could mentally prepare himself.

These days he's more likely to come home, grunt a greeting and sit in front of his laptop for half an hour, then he's happy to deal with other stuff. Not ideal, but there are those days where I can see he needs to decompress and I'm happy I'm not the one taking the hit for something that happened at school that I had no control over but always seemed to be my fault. Letting off steam at a playground seemed to help actually on the way home when the weather was good. We walked to school and best I could do was provide a snack that might be more of a 'treat' on days I thought he might find tough. But, if you drive, maybe try popping a precious soft toy or something in the back that they can cuddle on the way home? A familiar and friendly face for them?

As above, they expect you to protect and help and when you're not there, think perhaps they see as a betrayal almost that they had to deal with it without you. Maybe.

Anyway, not you, but it's hard not to get down about it.

She's as horrid to him as she is me

She's not "being horrid" she's showing you how overwhelmed she has been by the whole day, how much of a struggle it's been and her behaviour - all behaviour is communication - is screaming "I can't cope with this, I need to let all the days frustrations go and then i need some downtime to recover"

She's behaving perfectly normally for an autistic girl who masks.

Do read up on autism in girls, on masking and on sensory overload.

Learn to understand you have an autistic child and judging her behaviour through the lens of NT expectations really isn't going to work for either of you. You need to understand her needs and advocate for help for her, not just say she's 'being horrible'

Here's some info on sensory issues www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

Oh and yes, I've been to a lot of parenting classes.

Me too. ASC-specific classes and groups were best because they teach how to communicate effectively with children who have ASCs and how to manage their behaviour and often it's not quite the same as other kids. But ordinary parenting groups were useful too so long as they didn't try to insist you keep on at something that isn't working. I went to quite a few different groups over the years and found a mix'n'match of some ASC specific strategies and some general positive-parenting ones worked for us. Sharing experiences and ideas with other parents was really useful as well - ASC ones best but sometimes it was reassuring to hear what some "ordinary" kids got up to and think "well at least DS never thought of doing that!!!"

After a while I had to be tough and decide that I was the expert on what DS could cope with and what he couldn't, and what worked for him and what didn't. And to accept that sometimes nothing was going to work and the best we could do was to weather the storm.

Her poor brother. Can't sleep in his bed in their room, begs me everyday not to pick her up. She's as horrid to him as she is me

That is really difficult for all of you DS was an only child so I didn't have to deal with this.

Have you found the MumsNet Special Needs boards? They don't appear in Active but lots of ASC experience there, maybe worth asking there how people cope with siblings.

It is not you.

I have a "bottle of coke" sensory, dyspraxic child (languishing on a waiting list for ASD assessment). He's great at school. He got told off once in yR 4 years ago. I can often tell how his day went by the way he leaves the school doors. During tough phases he physically lashes out at me on the way home until we can get him to a quiet, safe space. He's horrid to his brother too. They love each other dearly and will snuggle up together in a shared minecraft world, but that love means that he's also the emotional punchbag for all the stress and anxiety that builds up through the day.

Over time I've registered that we have a termly cycle. The sweet spot is weeks 2-4, then end-of-termitis sets in. The worst point is the penultimate week, the end being in sight on the last week is marginally better. Holidays are hit and miss. He needs regular chill out time. He can handle extra curriculars, but not directly attached to his school day, he needs a buffer in between. Transition points are also points that flare up. YR was tough. Y1 better. Second half of Y2 with SATS was hideous and he was vile all summer with many meltdowns lasting hours before he was back to normal. Y3 got better through the year as it was an easier pace than SATs, but seems to struggle with the quanity of work expected in y4 due to his dyslexia and dyspraxia.

School don't see that side of him at all which has many benefits, but it makes it much harder to be taken seriously. At nursery, I remember the day that a stunned member of staff reported that he'd had a tantrum (probably a humdinger of one because that was his constant setting at home).

I've been a teacher, I do youth work, I adapt to him. I have my moments, I'm only human and many times I've been fumbling in the dark with him, but I know that I'm a good parent and he feels secure with me... but it is hard when they are struggling.

I know I've rambled about us, but in the last few years it's other people's experiences that have helped me to see the nature of his difficulties and helped me to adjust to the child I have.

@Worriedmum1511 yes they really can mask that well! I've got a model 7 year old at school- so much so it took video evidence, completing the parenting course 4 times and a breakdown in the school office to get started with our asd diagnosis.

I have been trying to get video evidence but we have already lost a TV and a tablet this week due to outbursts and I daren't start waving my phone around at the time. I have a couple of audio recordings but they aren't that helpful

I can highly recommend the Facebook group therapeutic parenting. It’s from the national association of therapeutic parenting and so much advice and guidance from others. My son is the opposite, his challenging behaviour is mainly at school these days but still have the odd challenge at home. Masking emotions is so common. My sons school ensure he has sensory breaks and a break out room for when he needs it (he’s five, started school last year and spend most of reception part time and the time he was in throwing things and hitting). I spent a lot of time meeting with his teacher and the SENCO discussing tactics and figuring out what worked for him. Have school considered an Ed psyc referral? Our LA also have a behaviour support team (we’ve had both in) who have made a lots of recommendations on how school can support him. When school have the right support in place that should really help with the meltdowns post school. Another good Facebook group is EHCP support group.