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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

39 weeks pregnant and DH working away tomorrow

52 replies

Pickedon · 25/10/2019 09:48

My DH is a football club manager. He has an away game tomorrow and it’s a 3 hour drive away. I’ve made it very clear I don’t think he should go in case he misses the birth. My first was born 4 days early and my labour was very quick (5.5hrs). I feel there is a real risk he will miss the birth if I go into labour tomorrow. We’ve been discussing it and his rationale is that it would “look bad” if he missed a game and the baby didn’t come. I am feeling stressed and angry that he is prioritising his career and reputation in football over his family. AIBU to expect him to miss a game in case I go into labour?

OP posts:

Outnumbered99 · 25/10/2019 09:54

I think YABabitU but your worries are very real and should be dealt with more seriously than what will "look bad". Can you have someone else on "standby" or even with you for the day tomorrow so you aren't on your own, just for some reassurance?
Will he have access to a car and be able to leave quickly should he need to? He needs to at least be thinking like this.

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 09:55

YANBU. He's prioritising work over his heavily pregnant wife. He needs to stay local.

RolyHappyNorrieTagBetty · 25/10/2019 09:59

If a colleague turned up to work 3 hours from home with a wife who could go into labour imminently, I think that would look much worse than staying local!
I'm surprised he's even considering it really. Yes there's every chance you won't go into labour, but why risk missing one of the most important moments of your life and also a time when you will likely want and need his support massively.

Family should always come before work and he's not got his priorities sorted.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 10:00

It depends. If this is his job as in he gets paid to be a football manager, then I think it is sort of what you commit to when it comes to professional sport. If it is a hobby, then I'd expect him to have more consideration for your position.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 10:02

I don’t think this is that U.
What number baby is this? If it’s your first baby, labour will very likely take quite a while so he’ll have enough time to get back. At least he’s not out of the country.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 10:02

Sorry, just saw it’s second baby and you had previous quick delivery. YANBU 😂

GPatz · 25/10/2019 10:02

Well, if the baby comes and he misses the birth, he will have to live with the fact that he would have rather not 'looked bad' than be there to support you a d the baby.

TheTrollFairy · 25/10/2019 10:05

I think you’ll be ok. He will just have to make sure he is contactable at all times whilst he is at the match.

Original poster

Pickedon · 25/10/2019 10:05

He says he will take his own car so he can leave if anything happens but my fear is that the baby will come even quicker this time and the three hour journey back (assuming there’s is no traffic) will be mean he may miss the birth or not be there with me when I need him. My mum will be with me if I do go into labour but I think I would find it really hard to forgive him if he missed the birth. His job means that I am heavily reliant on other people in the family as it takes him away on evenings and weekends. I am disappointed that the day I really want/need him to be present he feels more compelled to be at the football. The thing is, now he is making me almost not want him to be there as I would never hear the end of it if he stayed home and nothing happened! I can’t win!

OP posts:

AudacityOfHope · 25/10/2019 10:05

My friend's husband was a player, and is now a manager, and that's just how it is. He missed almost every christmas dinner, my wedding, family holidays, etc. In football your life really isn't your own.

I don't think he's got a choice really; obviously if you go into labour before he leaves that's different, but otherwise I'd say you take your chance.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 10:06

Is he a paid football manager or do you mean this is something he does in his spare time with a local team? If the latter then YANBU at all, of course he should stay with you just in case. If this is his paid job then I think YABU, it probably would look shit of him to miss a days work if your baby isn’t born.

swingofthings · 25/10/2019 10:06

The chances that you give birth early and just during that time is not that high even if you gave birth early first time. Even if you are you can call him at the first contractions and in all likelihood will be back on time.
.what would be unreasonable was if he didn't answer your calls as too distracted or didn't have s mean to come home, but to expect him to stay just in case when he has important professional obligations is definitely unreasonable.

Hollachica · 25/10/2019 10:08

Its his job and being at away games is part of it. A very big part of it, it happens every two weeks!

I think you are being slightly unreasonably, the baby may or may not come.

LagunaBubbles · 25/10/2019 10:10

He's not just compelled to be "at the football" though it's his job. I do understand your worries though and I would probably feel the same.

Original poster

Pickedon · 25/10/2019 10:17

Yes it is his job and he is paid for it- it is his life and takes over everything. I am used to doing things without him and I support him 100 per cent even though it is hard at times being left to juggle looking after our toddler, working 4 days a week and doing all the household stuff without much help. I just hope for everyone’s sake that the baby doesn’t come tomorrow and he doesn’t miss it. I think his decision has been made and he will go to the game unless I am in active labour before he sets off tomorrow.

OP posts:

Maryann1975 · 25/10/2019 10:19

I think it is really relevant what grade football manager your dh is. Is he a paid manger of a professional club, or is he a volunteer manager of the Under 21s at the local pub?
It sounds to me that you see his football manager position the same way that I view my husbands season ticket, something he does for fun, to pass the time at the weekend. If it’s his paid job, YABU. he can’t not go to work in case you go in to labour. Lots of people have to work away when their dp is heavily pregnant. You say that on the day you really need him to be there he wants to be at the football, but actually you have no idea if this is the day that you actually need him to be there, or if that day is still a couple of weeks away.
The only way I’d change my opinion is if you were showing signs of early labour in the morning, I’d want him nearby if possible then. But I don’t think having your first child 4 days early is a reason for your dh not to go to work when you have a week to go. Presumably there will be another away game in a couple of weeks and you could still be waiting for baby to arrive at that point.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 10:27

You know, in some circumstances, I'd take my notes and go with him. That way if I do go into labour and have to go to the nearest hospital to give birth, they've got my notes and it won't be too much of a big deal. I would do that if I was completely low risk and having him there was pivotal to me having peace of mind.

bobisbored · 25/10/2019 10:28

My ExDH was a footballer. I'm afraid that's just what you sign up for. Have other family/friends on standby. You're not BU though. My Ex left me in hospital during early pregnancy when I wasn't sure if I'd miscarried or not because he had a game.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 10:32

When people complain about high wages for footballers, this is exactly what is cited. It interferes with family time big time. I remember Alex Ferguson said he didnt really raise his kids at all so wants to make more effort with his grandchildren.

SmileCheese · 25/10/2019 10:34

I appreciate it must be rubbish but if that's his job then he really cannot just stay home on the off chance you go into labour. If you are actively in labour before he needs to set off then of course he will stay but I don't know many jobs where people would be allowed to not show up just incase their wife went into labour. You could have another 2 weeks to go yet surely he cannot be expected to stay off work for that long?

Original poster

Pickedon · 25/10/2019 10:35

Yes he is a paid manager of a professional club - they play at around the 7th level of the national league pyramid. So it is his full time job and not a hobby. However, I’ve had signs of early labour for around 3 days now (mild cramps, nausea, diahorrea and really bad back pain) so I do think labour is imminent. Baby’s head is engaged so I can barely walk. Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily but I woke in the night last night panicking about packing my hospital notes in my bag so it’s a real concern in my mind that baby is coming soon! I think I would feel better if I knew either way if he was or wasn’t going to be there - what’s stressing me out is the not knowing and having to battle with him over it.

OP posts:

virginpinkmartini · 25/10/2019 10:37

OP, let him risk missing out. It will be his regret, not yours. You did your best to get him to be available. On the plus side, its not very likely you'll have the baby specifically in the window of time he will be away. Everything will be OK.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/10/2019 10:38

I don't think you can reasonably expect him to not turn up to work just in case you go into labour. If you're already in labour prior to the game then of course that's different and I'd expect him to stay at home.

virginpinkmartini · 25/10/2019 10:39

@ChilledBee I wonder if that could be a good idea, actually

Anotherlongdrive · 25/10/2019 10:39

Does he get/is he taking PAT leave?

The thing is his job includes large amounts of travel. I cant imagine he can just decide to not go.

The baby isnt born yet so it wouldnt be PAT leave.

Can he even just choose not to go?

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