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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

39 weeks pregnant and DH working away tomorrow

52 replies

Pickedon · 25/10/2019 09:48

My DH is a football club manager. He has an away game tomorrow and it’s a 3 hour drive away. I’ve made it very clear I don’t think he should go in case he misses the birth. My first was born 4 days early and my labour was very quick (5.5hrs). I feel there is a real risk he will miss the birth if I go into labour tomorrow. We’ve been discussing it and his rationale is that it would “look bad” if he missed a game and the baby didn’t come. I am feeling stressed and angry that he is prioritising his career and reputation in football over his family. AIBU to expect him to miss a game in case I go into labour?

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/10/2019 10:40

Try not to stress, it's just one day. He has a point, it's not the average job and it wouldn't look good for him to stay home "just in case". He should be primed and ready to leave as soon as you call though.

It wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't make it, you know. And it could be a special moment for you and your mum. Don't let this spoil the joy of the birth.

Hoping all goes well Thanks

Outnumbered99 · 25/10/2019 10:41

I think some pp's are being a bit harsh talking about his regrets... lots of dads miss the birth, this is work.. providing for the baby being born I assume? If it was to watch the game, go on a stag do, anything like that then yes, that would be "his regret".
If he was, say, a lorry driver- could easily be that far from home most days would he have to be off? Your baby might not come for another fortnight.

thedancingbear · 25/10/2019 10:46

Sorry, this is nuts. If he is travelling three hours to a game then he is at least managing in the National League, and the odds are higher.

It's a massively well-paid but hugely precarious business, with shocking job security. Were he to miss a game on the off chance that the baby comes in the ten hours (or whatever) that he will be away, first, he risk his current employment. Second, this would be at least local news and could well jeopardise him securing another job once he gets sacked from the current one (which is a virtual inevitability over time).

Toffeecakes · 25/10/2019 10:51

I sympathise OP but I don't think this is something he has a choice over, the demands of his job mean that he has to travel and this means missing things.

YABU for saying that you don't think you could forgive him if he missed the birth. I don't think it'd be a choice he'd be making rather than an unfortunate circumstance. Plenty of people miss the birth of their children because of working commitments, it's just how it is. However crap that might be.

Beveren · 25/10/2019 10:52

It's a bit difficult really if this is his job, because obviously matches are the most important element of the job and indeed his job security probably depends on getting good results. Unless you go into labour before he leaves, I fear you have to suck this one up and have a Plan B in place.

Apolloanddaphne · 25/10/2019 10:52

I think YABU. He has to go and do his job. If he was in any other job he wouldn't be able to just not go. Lots of people travel for their jobs and can't just refuse to work because their baby might come. It sounds like you don't rate his job because it is linked to a hobby perhaps?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/10/2019 10:54

Was going to say, if he isn't there is there any way you'd be able to FaceTime with the new baby? Don't punish him (and yourself, really). Share the moment in any way you can.

Grantaire · 25/10/2019 10:56

My DH is a specialist copper. He has to go away for days, weeks and months at a time, as far as the middle east. He is often uncontactable. It's his job. When 8 months pg with my second, he was called away at midnight and gone for 9 days. I spoke to him twice and he was unreachable at all other times. And he is paid quite a mediocre wage for his commitment which isnt really relevant except in reference to a pp who pointed out that apparently in football, the extortionate wages are compensation for missing family time.

It is his job and it's difficult but he can't stay home on a what if. I'm afraid you just have to have a contingency plan and support networks in place.

Fink · 25/10/2019 11:05

YABU.

It's his job and he presumably will only get a limited amount of paternity/shared parental leave, which would be much better spent once the baby has been born.

If he's decided to go then he's a grown adult and obviously understands the chance that he might miss the birth. Maybe it's just not a big deal for him that he 100% must be at the birth, especially as you have another (probably better) birthing partner available.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:23

What an arsehole - I would think he'd look far worse if colleagues knew he'd left an about to give birth wife to prioritise a match.

At this stage knowing what the plan is and being able to metally prepare would be the main thing for me, I would also feel so pissed off at this that I wouldn't want him at the birth full stop. Not a great idea to have someone you are angry with or don't truly feel supported by as a birth partner. More stressful.

If he wants to go, fine, tell him you will in that case decide to have your mum as birthing partner instead, and that won't be chopping and changing depending on whether he can bloody 'fit you in'.

It does sound like you're about to go into labour, especially the waking up early bit. Tell him he won't be at the birth, and get into your zone.

SmileCheese · 25/10/2019 11:32

What an arsehole - I would think he'd look far worse if colleagues knew he'd left an about to give birth wife to prioritise a match.

Its his job how does going to do his job make him an arsehole? There are millions of men up and down the country who couldn't stay at home just incase their wives went into labour. Yes its shit that he will be 3 hours away but he's not prioritising a match he's prioritising his job. I simply don't see how going to work makes him an arsehole.

adaline · 25/10/2019 11:33

It's his job. He's not going to do a hobby - he's working!

It does suck but this is one of the problems with working away from home like that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2019 11:37

I suppose we need to take the "football" element out of this as that makes it look like a hobby.

My dh works long hours and sometimes has to travel. I am 39 weeks and likely to have a swift labour. He needs to be 3h away for work tomorrow. AIBU to ask him to take a days leave at short notice?

Yes.

wonderstuff · 25/10/2019 11:45

Its really hard but unless he starts his paternity leave early I don't see how he can miss it. First labour isn't always a predictor of future ones, my first was 5 days early and 12 hour labour, number 2 was 5 days late and labour was on and off for 5 days.

Good luck with it though, I completely understand why you're anxious.

CheeryB · 25/10/2019 11:48

I also think Yabu. It's not as if you'll be alone giving birth as many women are, you'll have your mother. My husband was unable to be at the births of our children for differing reasons each time. There was no need for anybody to not forgive themselves or anybody else. Circumstances dictated how things had to be. It wasn't the end of the world.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/10/2019 11:57

I'd do what ChilledBee suggests. Go with him. This is his job and it would be considered poor if he missed the game and you didn't give birth, especially if his team lost. It'd be attributed to his absence even if that have nothing to do with it.

All the best for the birth Thanks

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 12:05

Bernadette I would disagree, if you took the football element out it would seem very reasonable to arrange not to do a job that has six hours of travel time involved that day. In this scenario however he is the only one of his job description, so it is very relevant to responses - in other jobs a colleague might be just as capable of giving the presentation, or whatever.

Horsemad · 25/10/2019 12:06

Unfortunately that's life for you.

If he was in the armed forces, he could quite possibly be somewhere in the world and uncontactable.

Maybe as a PP suggested go with him, or have a birth partner on standby.

I'm always a bit Hmm at some of my friends who after labour said 'I couldn't have done it without him by my side'.
Well actually, you could and in some cases as described above would have to...

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 12:10

Professional football players these days often miss a match because of the birth (thinking specifically of Granit Xhaka recently) but turn up for the next match (and often score) even if it's hours later.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other, tbh, you presumably knew about his job when you got pregnant? TBH having the father around during my DC births wasn't really that high on my priority list, except to curse him repeatedly, but I'm aware that for others it's non-negotiable.

picklemebrains · 25/10/2019 12:13

How many away matches will there be in the next three weeks? Realistically, he would have to miss every one after this as well.

Fuckenstein · 25/10/2019 12:18

I don't think you can ask him to miss a very important day at work on the off chance that you might have the baby in that very specific time frame.

Taking his own car so he can leave, make sure his phone is accessible at all times and straight home afterwards, no hanging about or socializing are all good steps to have in place.

You have your mum, I think you just need to make your peace with it.

Cleverplayonwords · 25/10/2019 12:25

I sympathise but do think yabu.
You could be pregnant for another 3 weeks, how far is he allowed to go from home in that time? 30 minutes, 1 hour?
I really wouldn't let this spoil things. I know lots of people who's husbands missed births due to work, it's something that's laughed about and stories about rushing to the hospital are told etc.
My own husband was about as useful as a chocolate tea pot at the birth of Ds, he might as well have not been there.

Cleverplayonwords · 25/10/2019 12:26

You sound more as if you're angry about his job in general and want to prove a point about making you a priority than you do about actually having him at the birth. It should be a separate conversation about a career change if that's that you both want.

Cleverplayonwords · 25/10/2019 12:28

Pps tell him to keep his phone against his leg so if he doesn't hear it he'll feel it buzzing.
I'd also suggest he gets someone else to come with him to drive him to the hospital so he doesn't have to park.

Brackish · 25/10/2019 13:04

What an arsehole - I would think he'd look far worse if colleagues knew he'd left an about to give birth wife to prioritise a match

As someone whose DH used to work in premier league football, and also had to attend all away games played by his club, I can categorically confirm that this is not the case.

It is both a very male-dominated industry at the upper levels and, anecdotally, in my experience DH was unusual in having a wife who had a demanding professional career of her own, and a child she expected him to share the care of and, as you'd expect with something that is event-based and involves obscene amounts of cash, tv rights, advertising, betting, things can't be postponed or delayed because of someone's personal responsibilities. Games are non-negotiable, and that has an impact on weekends during the season/transfer windows, holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc. Salaries reflect that.

It's the main reason he no longer works in that industry.