To be annoyed with my housemates

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

First off my housemate and I are good friends, but shes very emotionally immature and needy. I'm usually fine with that because I'm busy enough she can't monopolize my time and belongings. But she is very much one of those people who are very controlling and moody behind closed doors but who are seen as sweet and innocent outside.

So far this week she has complained that I have my PS4 in my room and she can't watch DVD's in the lounge because she doesn't want to pay for a DVD player. Fair enough but I like gaming in my room and I want to use my things how I want to use them. That I don't bake for her when I refused to let her eat an entire batch of cookies because I'd baked them for a specific event. She'd already eaten seven or so. That I'm not being fair when I won't let her help herself to my food in the fridge because it looks nice because it's expensive. That tonight I've baked a cake and won't let her cut into it the second it's out the oven and she'll have to wait until tomorrow when I've iced it because I've friends coming over for coffee and board games. That I won't leave my room unlocked so she can borrow my things at will, I'm a private person and I have no desire to allow people access to my room when I'm not around.
She has also told me that if I go on holiday with mutual friends without her she'll never forgive me. Sure it would be a shitty thing to exclude someone from something they'd enjoy but if she can't take time off or afford it the rest of us are still going to go. Plus if it's something she won't enjoy I really don't see how there is any issue whatsoever. I know I personally would not care.
She can be hard work but she can be equally good fun and I get through these issues by reminding myself that she's naturally a jealous person and has her own issues that say more about her than they do me. Plus this time next year I won't be living with her. Plus I'm sure that others may find living with me equally difficult, albeit for different reasons.

Sorry that should be housemate, although another housemate is far more annoying but I think her demands and childish whining about cake have tipped me slightly over the edge tonight.

She needs to move back in with her parents. Or you need to move out.

@MolyHolyGuacamole, she's moving out in June. I may be moving out as well or getting new room mates then as well. One friend has already asked if I'll live with them and there are a couple of others who'd be happy to live with me as well so I'll be sorted. Two of my housemates I've no issue with at all, another is occasionally condescending but generally great and easy to live with, this housemate and another are not fun at all really.

Urgh. Could you get out sooner? She sounds like a nightmare.

What happens when you point out that the things she wants are your things?

Sounds like your boundaries are pretty solid. Moan away, she sound like a treat.

Does she think you're in a relationship? A really fucked up weird controlling needy relationship?

@Smelborp, it would be really difficult, I'm in a student let so I'd have to find a student or young professional to take my place and line that up to find somewhere else to live. Plus my landlords are amazing and I'm in a great location so I'd rather not move. The other day when she asked for my smoked salmon, chorister and salami and I told her no she just sighed and complained that I suck. Tonight when she was going on and on about the cake pretty much got the same response. I don't really care that she likes warm cake. My friends like iced cake with their coffee. She's likely to complain tomorrow when my friend comes over early because I'll put my PS4 on in the lounge so we can game while people are out/waking up. After that we're likely to play board games with whoever is around but apparently I'm favoring my friend because I let them use my PS4 when I won't give her unlimited access to watch DVD's.

@gamerchick, thanks, It's so hard to know where to draw the line because I'm pretty laid back and she's not used to my boundaries being as solid but she's pushed me and I pushed back more. I can't be bothered to parent her. I don't mind some things but it's not my job to pander to her, which is what she's used to. Her parents somehow managed to over indulge and remain absent from her but I'm realizing more and more it's not down to me to fix that. She'll tell you herself that she doesn't often think about how her actions and behavior impacts others, where I'm incredibly conscious of that.

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing, she's somewhat affection starved and seems to be around as emotionally mature as a 14 year old. She still hasn't grasped that she can't just have things when she want's them. I don't mind helping her deal with some of her issues when she want's to talk about them or giving her a hug when she needs one but she can be really suffocating.

Aaaaah ok. Hopefully you can last. Just be very clear with boundaries. Believe it or not I was in a similar situation, a roommate who was very reliant on me for all socialisation (thankfully none of the other stuff). I honestly just went cold turkey and stopped inviting her to things I had planned and it forced her to find her own friends. We worked together as well, but I was determined! She slowly got the message.

She sounds very needy. I’m so sorry to hear that you are house-sharing with her. Was this a choice that you have since regretted?
She sounds quite manipulative too. I think you need to try to keep firm boundaries, share the use of PS4/dvd time and try to keep your distance from her.
Easier said than done.
Tell her to make her own cakes/smoked salmon etc.. maybe suggest that you’ll show her how to make ( whatever delicious dishes that she’s got her fangs on) but you need to keep your distance. Don’t let her suck you into her world on her terms. Be strong💐

she sounds a bit immature, treating you like a sibling or her family at home or else it seems like she thinks you are in a relationship with her of some odd sort. What age is she, is this her first time away from home, she doesn't know boundaries and doesn't understand a flat share.

She sounds spoiled and childish.

@MolyHolyGuacamole, I'm glad you managed to get it sorted. She seems to want to rely on me for a lot of practical and emotional support and I don't really have the mental or physical strength for that a lot of the time.

@1Morewineplease, she is very needy and seems to be getting needier. This is the third year I've lived with her but it will be the last. I think we get on better when we spend less time together. See I've no desire to share my PS4 with her because she becomes very entitled with it and treats it as a right of hers to use it if it's in the communal space. I'll put it in the communal area when I don't need it so much or when we've got people round or a housemate is ill but I often want to use it in my room or want to game when others are using the lounge or watch TV and that's not fair on them so I keep it in my room. My friend whos coming over and I tag team with a couple of games and I can't have him in my room due to religious reasons so we play in the lounge when it's empty. She knows how to bake but often doesn't want to, she likes smoked salmon and deli meats but doesn't want to pay for them and I can't afford to pay for that for her. She has plenty of money, she's just tight. I've showed her how to cook and season food properly but she's not the best but still significantly better than what she was.

@Avenilson, she's 20 nearly 21. She's been very very sheltered and I and other friends have had to talk to her about how and how not to interact with people, guys especially as shes very naive and has given quite a few guys the wrong impression several times. She's not streetwise at all. I get the impression she's been somehow pandered to and ignored by her parents and generally allowed to do as she pleases regardless by other friends and I just don't put up with it.

@Whatisthisfuckery, she is but she is also trying to change that at least somewhat. She just doesn't seem to realise how much still needs to change. She'd give you what she can and help you if she can but she's also very demanding and needy.

She sounds unhinged.

Honestly, I could sit here and spent half a day writing you things to do, things not to do, how to establish boundaries, etc, with her... none of it will work. It would simply be like putting a tiny plaster on a huge wound.

You need to look to moving out, sooner rather than later if possible. I'm not usually an advocate for 'running away' from a situation, but I think her behaviour is so ingrained in her, it would take her to seriously (and genuinely) want to change herself for any progress to be made. And I can't see that happening any time soon. If you can't move out, then you'll have to play a very careful game of keeping distance between yourself and her. I really would double check your room's security, though, and try to spend as little time with her as possible.

The reason why I worry about you staying in the house with her is that if you stay you'll eventually start giving in for an easier life (like when you come in from work and it's been an awful day, and you say yes to her just to get her off your back). She'll slowly start to increase her hold over you and before you know it, she dictates everything you do. I'm not saying you're a weak individual or anything like that, but people like her are only happy when they're taking from someone else, and they're very good at manipulating. Just be mindful that you can't relax with this person.

Think about it. She wants you to move your PS4 that you paid good money for and enjoy using in your room so it's in a communal space. She will use it all the time and you won't get a look in. You'll be forced to spend more time with her if you want to game.
She wants you to leave your room open so she can borrow your things. She wants to have direct access to your belongings. I doubt she'd stop at borrowing a top. I genuinely think she'd go through your stuff obsessively.
She wants to eat all your baked goods because she feels as if for some reason, you are baking for her and shouldn't be baking for anyone else. She wants your nice food because she thinks she is more important than you.
She is warning you that you aren't to go away and make memories with other people because she feels like she has to be your number one and wants to be around you 24/7.

Be careful. I always get so worried when I read about things like this because it can spiral out of control so quickly. Please move out if you can, and if her behaviour gets any more controlling, get out.

It sounds as though you’re sharing with a five year old tbh.

She's a "good friend"?

I'd hate to see what you class as a bad one.

@PepePig, if it were easy for me to move out I would, I just limit my exposure to her and when she's being demanding I've always got something I need to do in my room or with another friend. It's tough at times but not impossible. I'm not the type to give in for an easy life. She's been banging on about me moving my PS4 for almost a year now and it's not happening. I didn't mind when we didn't have wifi for a month because everyone could benefit from it. She is really jealous but I get the impression that she's not had friends before, she's really insecure and naive. When we lived in halls a couple of our housemates were vile to her and I stepped in because they were truly awful and I couldn't allow it to continue. I'm far sterner than they were expecting. I think to her I'm often a shield because she knows I'm not going to crack or abandon her. She had a stalker a one point and I went through the process of helping her get advice from the uni and the police and dealing with the trauma of that and being afraid of being alone in the house or going out alone and her conflicting feelings and guilt about reporting him because she still feels scared and as though it was her fault. Thankfully she can't borrow my clothes because I'm double her size, though she does complain about that because she likes my style apparently. She does want to change, she's getting counselling and has a mentor and is actively trying to change and I think it's fantastic. Personal growth is hard and I think she's doing well with a lot of it, but she is feeling increasingly bogged down and worn out and I've somehow become her safe person so I'm the one that it's directed at. I think she's heading for a breakdown as shes struggling so much with uni so theres a lot of issues there and I'm not going to walk away from her as a friend when she needs one the most.

@AlexaAmbidextra, it often feels like that tbh. I think part of the problem is that she isn't as delightful as she seems to think that she is. She can be very judgy and I don't like that. I don't think she has any right to be considering how she behaves and her lack of manners generally.

@Butchyrestingface, she is a good friend for several thousand reasons I couldn't possibly list here. I know her issues don't come from a deliberate or mean spirited place but an immature one. She has a lot of growing up to do and she will do that over time. She can't do that if I cut her out or walk away completely. I remember what I was like at 20 and I often think I was a complete and utter berk in comparison to now and I'm not quite 25 yet. We're at different places in our lives at the moment and have had completely different expectations I think that's part of the issue. I grew up quickly because I needed to, she's never had to be an adult and consistently consider others and she's learning how to do that. And when she's not being entitled I love her company, she has a fantastic sense of humor and is supportive of me and if she knows I'm struggling will try to help. She's a good person, but still growing as a person and is usually willing to see when she's been a brat and tries to prevent it happening again and that makes a massive difference.

She's not needy, she's an entitled little narcissist. I stayed with one in my student days and we were friends (on my part) for a year before and after that. Until I finally realised that I was making excuses for what, essentially was a horrible person who only cared about herself. And wouldn't hesitate to step on me like a bug if it so suited her.

MOVE. Asap.

Dear God, you've rescued her. This will repay you badly. For the sake of your own mental health you need to move away from her. She's not your responsibility and she will continue to demand and expect more.

She's selfish, spoiled and entitled and you really really don't need to explain why you don't want to share your belongings or food with her.

I can see that you can't move out so my advice would be to continue as you are and don't give in to her.

She sounds bonkers.

@Pinkbonbon, I don't think she'd step on me, but I know I'm not a priority to her, which is fine. She's not my priority either.

@longwayoff, I can't at the moment. It's to expensive and difficult with my current circumstances.

@longwayoff, she can demand it, but I wont give in.

@NurseButtercup, thanks, it's difficult sometimes but I know I'm in the right so I don't really feel bad. It's just the difference how she is with me and how everyone else sees her. They're completely different people.

@hlo91, she is a bit.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on than just behaving in a needy/narcissistic manner.
Our personality traits are shaped by our neurology as well as environment- and from the extra info you've given it sounds to me like she may be on the spectrum.
If she is, and is undiagnosed, then she's not receiving the kind of help she actually needs.

Maybe you could mention it to her mentor?
I wouldn't get into that discussion with your housemate though as it could go disastrously wrong.

@monkeymonkey2010, shes not on the spectrum. That I'm certain of she shows no traits or symptoms. I'm autistic myself so would likely be able to tell. She's just a pain really. Today the issue is that my hair falls out. Theres three of us in the house with long hair but apparently it's all my fault. And it's currently all my fault that I have a lot of shoes by the front door. I have two pairs. One pair less than she and our other female housemate has. The real issue with her today is that she has someone staying this weekend on the sofa and wanted me to completely clean the house and I'm happy to do my share but I'm not cleaning the house for her. Especially since there are six people living here.