Favourite child

[littletikes27]

Fully prepared to be told I'm BU.

I have a disabled DD who's under a variety of different specialists. She had loads of appointments so I don't expect DP (her dad) to come to everyone one of them however he's never actually been to any.

He has two DC from previous relationship who we have shared custody of and he always does the opticians and dentist even if it's their day with their mom. Yesterday, our DD has an MRI under general anaesthetic and he didn't come as he said it's pointless in us both going but today his DC is having an ultrasound on their kidneys for recurring UTI. He's got up bright and early to meet Ex and DC at the hospital for the ultrasound and I'm pretty pissed off that he thinks one child's illness is more important than the others.

After many other issues in the past I'm ready to LTB

AIBU?

Yanbu. His behaviour is appalling and I would absolutely ltb. He doesn’t seem to have bonded with his child and both you and your dc deserve better.

On the face of it is is awful.

How is communication with the ex? The only slight defence I could think of is if he knows if he isn’t there he isn’t kept in the loop?

Your husband might be frightened of her disability and the uncertaintity (sp) of test results but that doesn't excuse him behaving like an insensitive ass you and his Dd need his support you need to confront hi.

I agree he is being unreasonable. But does he live with you and your DD, but does not live with his other DC? I wonder if he could be attending the other DC appointments to compensate for the fact he sees your DD more often?

And yes to what Sirzy said about being kept in the loop not that it excuses his behaviour.

I have seen this a lot with some parents of disabled kids. They focus on their non-disabled kids so they can pretend the disabled child is a fluke as a result of problems with the other partner. It rarely ends well. How is he in other aspects of your relationship? Does he talk down to you?

We have the kids 3 nights one week and 4 the next but do pick up from schools most days. When they come over DD doesn't get a look in so although he lives with us, DD definitely doesn't get more of his time/attention

He sounds awful. You really need to pull him up on this.

@GrumpyHoonMain he's an arsehole on all accounts tbh but this is the final straw I think

That's harsh. Have you broached the subject with him OP? I'd be really upset about that

Ah is this the final straw.

Over the past few months him and his ex have got right on my tits but this is nothing to do with her now. I see all messages and she actually told him there's no point in coming and they'll ring him after but he was adamant to be there.

He's a prick

This is obviously something that you need to communicate with him about. However, because you are together does he see that you are going on behalf of both of you? Whereas he has to go on his own behalf for his other children.

Before you talk, get clear why exactly you want him to be there, because there is more than one reason you could want him, and he needs to understand how you feel. Would you be happy for him to attend instead of you or do you want him as well? Do you want him for you or DD? Emotional support or practical support?

Yanbu that is not acceptable. I have been reading so many of these threads lately. Where the 'second family' gets treated badly in favour of the ex and first DC.
Looking at it, because his child has a disability the child needs more support than the ones that dont.
Looking at it again, whether you are there doesnt he want to be there for his child because he is concerned?
He sounds horrible. I wouldnt be putting up with this if it were me.

Leave the bastard

That's awful OP. His favouritism couldn't be more blatant if he tried. Have you actually discussed it with him? What does he say?

Your poor DD, his behaviour is outrageous. She will pick up on it. It's not on.

There's is honestly no reason why he won't come other than he can't be arsed. I want him here just because he's her dad in all fairness and over the past 2 years I've basically dealt with all this on my own. When I was in labour (8 weeks premature), could have potentially gave birth to a still born, he left me to take the kids to the park. That's says it all really doesn't it?

When I was in labour (8 weeks premature), could have potentially gave birth to a still born, he left me to take the kids to the park. That's says it all really doesn't it?

I have no words. Was he actually there when you gave birth or was he absent for the whole labour? Was there a reason he had to take the others to the park or was he just being shit? Not sure any of this matters though

YANBU op, you and your dd deserve better

Your poor DD. How old is she? I hope she’s still too little to have noticed the blatant favouritism.

Have you asked him why today’s hospital appointment is more important for him to attend?

@pinksparkleunicorns it doesn't really matter tbh but it's good to have a moan!! He made it to the birth but during the back to back labour, the pain and the fear I was on my own! My parents came as soon as they could and so did his dad but obviously the swings needed a good push that day!!

@Gruzinkerbell1 she's too young to notice luckily but planning to make a clean break before she's gets old enough to realise

After your update I have to say you are partly to blame for the situation you are in. He treats you and your child as second because you allow him to. After the labour incident if that doesnt scream at you then off course hes free to think he can do this. Gosh he would be dumped and I would be gone if it was me.

@Applesanbananas I have to disagree that I am too blame. Maybe haven't helped by letting him walk all over me but would say it's my fault