Husband complaining because I don’t like going out drinking with him.

[Lightinthewindow]

My husband has been complaining because I won’t go out drinking with him.
I don’t mind going for a meal and a couple of drinks but he wants us to go out all day drinking and I just hate doing that with him.

I come from a family where my parents were alcoholics, my dad was the worse. I hate it when my husband gets drunk, I am scared of drunk men and I’ve always been that way but I know that’s my issue not my husbands . It’s is VERY rare for me to get drunk, infact my friends who, I’ve known for over 20 years have seen me drunk once.

I go out a lot with my friends, i thoroughly enjoy myself with I’m with them and can completely relax. When I’m with my husband I just can’t relax at all and I’m itching to get home.
He can’t handle his drink as well as I can, and will drink and drink. In the past when we were younger, he would get so bad he would be sick and he can’t travel in a taxi/train/bus when he has been drinking as he is always sick. This would end up with us stopping the taxi or getting of at the next stop if we were on public transport for him to be sick and we would end up having to walk home and I, not talking about is being down the road, there was one time we had to walk 4 miles home!! There has been times when he has been okay when we have went out but he ends up getting really ratty and annoyed because we are having to wait about for taxi’s.

Now he is complaining about me going out with my friends as much. I love going out with my friends and I think he is getting jealous becaus I enjoy myself when I’m with them so much and it is so obvious I don’t enjoy myself as much when I’m with him.

I think he is jealous of my friends full stop because he know they are so important to me (they really stepped up to the mark and have been there for me through thick and thin when my husband had an affair 10 years ago).

I don’t really know what to do as it’s causing friction in the home. I have said to him I do like going out with him but it’s much more low key. I’m not saying I go to clubs with my friends or anything like that, we sometimes just go to each other’s houses or to a wine bar and I’m always home at a reasonable time (10pm). AIBU??

If you are struggling so much being in his company are you sure the relationship is right for you?

If you are happy to go off out with others but not him I do see his POV even if I get yours too.

So what good things does the cheating, jealous, alcoholic bring to the relationship?

What happens if you suggest doing something else other than drinking? Have you?

Do you have kids with him?

I'm not surprised you don't want to. Sounds like an awful experience for anyone.

I don’t mind being in his company at other times, I just don’t want to go out drinking with him. As I said meals out and a couple of drinks fine, or cinema etc. He will be happy to do this but he wants to go out for an “all day session” as he puts it and I don’t want to do that. As I said it’s not as if I don’t want to do anything at all with him it’s just different from what I want to do with my friends.

I think he regrets the cheating, and although he is jealous of my friends he would never ever stop me going out with them.

We do have children but they are older now.

He ends up getting really soppy when he’s drunk and that’s just not me I’m afraid I’ve never been like that and I have to admit I’m a bit harder since I found out about his affair (I didn’t leave I have been with him since I was 13 he is all I’ve ever known).

There is a time and a place for being soppy and out in public isn’t it!!

Have you actually told him how you feel about the excessive drinking?

Aquamarine1029 he knows how I feel about excessive drinking but just keeps telling me he’s not my dad. It’s not as if he wants to do this all the time.

Not unreasonable at all. You don’t like excessive drinking for yourself and you don’t like it when he does it. There’s also nothing irrational about being wary of drunk people - they can be unpredictable.

I come from a family where my parents were alcoholics, my dad was the worse. I hate it when my husband gets drunk, I am scared of drunk men and I’ve always been that way but I know that’s my issue not my husbands . It’s is VERY rare for me to get drunk, infact my friends who, I’ve known for over 20 years have seen me drunk once.

Apart from the fact that it's only one of my parents, this is literally me. And of course I chose an alcoholic husband too. I divorced mine. Please don't have kids if you don't already, believe me, it will break your heart.

How old are you OP? I have a feeling you are fairly young? It sounds like you are not relay compatible with your DH any more. I assume you don't have any children?

I do have children with him but they are late teens/early 20’s. I’m not young I’m 49.

My husband isn’t by any means whatsoever an alcoholic. He can drink without getting drunk but I just hate going our drinking with him, its just me

“All day session” such class! Should of married a classier man love 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course your not unreasonable, if it’s something you don’t want to do/you wouldn’t enjoy why would you go? Just say no, if he wants to sulk let him....

I understand where you're both coming from. Sometimes I wanna go out with my partner for drinks and he says no and how he doesn't wanna drink then goes out with his mates

Kind of makes you feel second best. Yeah he cheated but it was ten years ago, you chose to forgive him and move past it so you need to soften up and stop judging him. Honestly it reads as if you don't really like him..

I know plenty more of people who like a drinking session, not young either. I live in a city and regularly see respectable people having the odd day time drinking day because they're off work and think why not! I don't look at them and think 'how classy' and judge, I actually get jealous because I'm usually working and genuinely can't hack having more than two drinks 😂

If he doesn't regularly binge drink, and only rarely lets his hair down enough to get into a very drunk state, then I'm not really seeing the issue? Now if he was doing this is every weekend I'd agree with you, but he sees you off drinking with your friends and just wants to enjoy that time with you too. He probably IS jealous, so what? He has right to be. He still clearly hasnt been forgiven after ten years and senses you only reluctantly spend time with him but make a point of going on about how you LOVE spending time with your friends. I'd feel shite too.

However I sympathise with you as well, I grew up with an alcoholic and drug addicted mother and it still affects me now. It absolutely wasn't your fault, but it isn't his either

It's sad, being a child of alcoholics you were always far more likely to end up with a partner who is drinker.

Why is he putting so much pressure on that specific aspect of your relationship? 1. Why is alcohol that important to him? 2. Why does he not understand why you may have an issue with this considering your past?

I bet it's sad to see your H in such a sorry way when you're known it your whole life.

People who do “all day sessions” past the age of 25 are saaaaaad IMO.

I have mates at 40 who still do it and I would rather chew my own arm off.

Sorry but no ‘it’s not just youK.
You are not the issue because you dint want to go out in an all day drinking session.
It is totally ok for you not to want to do that. It’s not a reflection on you (nor it on him for enjoy doing that either).

BUT what is NOT acceptable is for him to impose on you what he enjoys and to guilt trip you into doing it even though you don’t.

Imagine that let’s say you love opera and he hated it. Would he be happy to go on an all day concert listening to opera all day long? I doubt it. And I also doubt he would appreciate if you were guilt tripping him about it.

Im afraid that the way to solve this issue is for him to accept that. Not for you to do something to placate him or that you dint enjoy ‘for the sake of the relationship’

@couldwenot, could you explain why it would make you feel like second best if/when your partner says he doesn’t want to go out drinking?

Genuinely puzzled as what I hear is that he doesn’t like drinking alcohol that way, nit that he doesn’t like you or doesn’t like spending time with you.
So why is am issue if he doesn’t enjoy all the same things that you do?

couldwenot I love my husband very much, I love spending time with him, but I would rather go for a meal and drinks or cinema and drinks rather than just go to the pub. I prefer it when he only has a couple when he is with me. When he is with his friends I don’t mind what he does, but for some reason I feel I have to look after him. I did receive counselling because of issues with my childhood and I was told I feel that way because I had to look after my mum and dad when I was younger, and I’m talking about me being 7 or 8 and looking after my younger sibling.

We spend a lot of time together and have a right laugh, of course I have forgiven him for the affair I just don’t want to go out drinking all day with him. I can go out with my friends about noon and come home about 10pm and I will be absolutely fine not falling over the place, if he were to do that, he wouldn’t be able to stand, he would be sick everywhere and I wouldn’t enjoy myself whereas I would enjoy myself if we went for a meal and a couple of drinks.

I guess it’s something I need to work on but I’ve never liked going out drinking with him even before we had kids.

YANBU. And I say that as someone who very much enjoys a drink. Apart from a special occasion such as a wedding, or a beer festival, I don’t enjoy daytime drinking particularly and sitting around all day getting pished just seems a waste of time. Would rather have a meal or a few pleasant drinks, bar hop a bit and be done. I’m nervous around drunk men too. They can turn.

You appear to have married your parents.

He's a binge drinker and probable alcoholic.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. No matter how much I loved someone I wouldn't want to go out with them to watch them vomit and then walk home! It would be different if you said you didnt want him drinking at all when you were out eg with a meal or didnt want to spend time with him. But why should you have to go on an all day drinking session when a. You dont want to. b. He cant handle it and c. You have plenty of other things in common that you both enjoy

If you go out drinking with him all day, you could look after him, sacrifice your choice in ideal day out and make sure he gets home safely.
Of course he wants you to go out drinking with him, you aren't drinking as much as him.

but I know that’s my issue not my husbands

On the contrary I think you sound perfectly normal and your husband is an irresponsible manchild with a drink problem. I like a drink, but there is no way I'd want to go drinking with someone like him. You go out to have a laugh, a dance, a good yap not to nursemaid an idiot who can't handle their drink. You've been with this man over 30 years surely you can just tell him he is too much of a liability and embarrassment to go drinking with.