Husband complaining because I don’t like going out drinking with him.

[Lightinthewindow]

My husband has been complaining because I won’t go out drinking with him.
I don’t mind going for a meal and a couple of drinks but he wants us to go out all day drinking and I just hate doing that with him.

I come from a family where my parents were alcoholics, my dad was the worse. I hate it when my husband gets drunk, I am scared of drunk men and I’ve always been that way but I know that’s my issue not my husbands . It’s is VERY rare for me to get drunk, infact my friends who, I’ve known for over 20 years have seen me drunk once.

I go out a lot with my friends, i thoroughly enjoy myself with I’m with them and can completely relax. When I’m with my husband I just can’t relax at all and I’m itching to get home.
He can’t handle his drink as well as I can, and will drink and drink. In the past when we were younger, he would get so bad he would be sick and he can’t travel in a taxi/train/bus when he has been drinking as he is always sick. This would end up with us stopping the taxi or getting of at the next stop if we were on public transport for him to be sick and we would end up having to walk home and I, not talking about is being down the road, there was one time we had to walk 4 miles home!! There has been times when he has been okay when we have went out but he ends up getting really ratty and annoyed because we are having to wait about for taxi’s.

Now he is complaining about me going out with my friends as much. I love going out with my friends and I think he is getting jealous becaus I enjoy myself when I’m with them so much and it is so obvious I don’t enjoy myself as much when I’m with him.

I think he is jealous of my friends full stop because he know they are so important to me (they really stepped up to the mark and have been there for me through thick and thin when my husband had an affair 10 years ago).

I don’t really know what to do as it’s causing friction in the home. I have said to him I do like going out with him but it’s much more low key. I’m not saying I go to clubs with my friends or anything like that, we sometimes just go to each other’s houses or to a wine bar and I’m always home at a reasonable time (10pm). AIBU??

Sorry. I made some wrong assumptions about your age. It sounds like he still wants to go out and drink like a student whereas you have a more grown up attitude towards going out. I would hate an all day drinking session now too. Luckily my DH agree so we go for a meal and few drinks then are home by about 10/11. That seems more normal to me.

To be honest that wouldn’t be my idea of a good day out; DH and I used to do it sometimes and I’m not sure if ever ended well, either an argument or just a horrible hangover.
I’d tell him to just drop it and do it with a friend if he’s that bothered. There’s plenty of things that I do that DH wouldn’t want to do and vice versa.

I'd rather have hot needles through my eyes than go on an all day drinking session at my age (48). Its boring and I end up just wanting to go to sleep. I don't know anyone in this age group that does, except old alkis that I see having a fag outside the working mens club, or maybe round the pool on holiday. Hes way too old for that carry on, unless hes got a drink problem. Who on earth wants to spend the afternoon escorting a pissed, puking bloke about? How can he even think you would want to do this?

Anyone who wants to go out on an all day sesh definitely has a poor relationship with alcohol. To be in such a state that he pukes and you can’t get a taxi/public transport is disgusting. I could not be with someone who was lacking in respect for himself and me by getting in such a state.

It absolutely isn’t something you have to work on OP, not one bit. It doesn’t interest you and that’s that, he can do that with his mates and do other things with you. Why is it so important you go out and get hammered together?!

I would say I’m the ‘drinker’ of the relationship although I wouldn’t arrange an ‘all day sesh’ - I enjoyed going out after work a couple of nights a week, maybe end up in a club, all with pals. This just isn’t really my husbands bag, he’d prefer a nice cup of tea/meal out and a film! I also like doing that so that’s what we do together, I didn’t expect him to change for me and your husband shouldn’t expect that of you.

All day in boozers with him getting steadily more drunk while you steadily get more bored?! What a waste of a day!

Nup, I'd reinforce that a trip out for the cinema, meal or similar is one thing, but tagging along sober watching him behave like a sponge is too much to expect.

Then tell him you don't want to hear any more about it. It's fine to shut down repetitive, pointless conversations. Ask him to talk about something else unless he has something new to say.

My DH tried to tell me this sort of request was controlling, so I told him no, I wasn't trying to control him and what he was talking about but I was controlling me what I was and wasn't prepared to sit and listen to for the nth time.

He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Binge drinking to the point of vomiting is just grim. TBH I couldn't be with someone who behaved like that. Never mind the cheating.

Why do you think it's you with the issue that you need to work on and not him? Seriously. His behaviour is awful. You don't want to call him an alcoholic, fine - but it's problematic.

Honestly think very carefully about what you have written here - a man who is in his late forties/early fifties who drinks until he is physically sick?? That’s bad enough for teenagers but at his age? How do you have any respect for him at all? What if your children (adult or not) saw him? His boss? Family and non-pub friends? Does he not feel ashamed and mortified the next day?

This is NOT normal behaviour. He has the problem NOT you.

What does he say when you reply “no I dont want to go for a day sesh with you because you always vomit, we have to get off public transport, you moan about taxi queues and it’s just shit. You don’t know when to stop drinking. Why would I want to hang with someone like that? You know I hate drink and at our age you should know when to stop. I don’t like being around drunk, vomiting men thanks very much”.

It's not his problem no but a considerate husband would recognise your past issues as valid and would not insist on this.