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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband gaslighting me?

30 replies

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 16:19

Hello, I haven't posted before but I just joined mumsnet because this situation happened a couple of months ago and it's unsettled me so much I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.

We were at my mums house with 3 children, husband and MIL, big kids were in the living room with me. I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband and MIL were sitting on the far side of the dining table, and our 15 month old toddler was alone at the top of a steep staircase, probably 8 ft or so in the air. We live in a bungalow so he hadn't had much practise, and while he could get up there he was in no way a proficient climber.

I said something along the lines of 'what's going on, why isn't anyone with him' and rushed up to guard him from falling. At which point my MIL said 'no no, he's fine, he's fine leave him alone', which my husband basically echoed. They then spent the next few minutes telling me how over protective I was, in quite a belittling manner.

I felt completely spooked, firstly because I felt I was going crazy that I was the only one who could see the danger (he did in fact fall straight backwards from the 3rd step a bit later, luckily caught), totally undermined and a bit humiliated that they had ganged up on me.

Finally I've started to question, if I'm not even allowed an opinion when it comes to the safety of my children, is this a marriage I should be in anymore?

I've tried talking to my husband about it since but he said it's a minor thing that I'm getting fixated on (my mother has bipolar and he insinuated that I was echoing her when she get obsessed about things) and that he was cross I was rude to his mother.

Am I going insane or is he gaslighting me???

OP posts:

Dljlr · 23/10/2019 16:21

No, gaslighting you would be if he told you the child was never at the top of the stairs and you've made the episode up entirely.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 16:25

One incident that happened months ago about a child on a stairs...... hmm I think you're overreacting tbh

snowflakeeel · 23/10/2019 16:25

Hell no! 8ft up some stairs! 15 months! And you don't have any stairs at home for him to practice on. I would be furious that he wasn't being watched! We live in a bungalow too and I was always very wary of watching my children going up and down steps.

It's sad that he's using your mothers mental health agains your quite rational material judgement. Sadly some people are just reactive and not proactive and quite often it is all too late when something happens that could have been easily prevented.

Chivers53 · 23/10/2019 16:27

I wouldn't say that was gaslighting. Being ridiculous, rude, dismissive of you and the potential danger, yes.

Krazynights34 · 23/10/2019 16:27

It’s not gaslighting, as per pp. it is irresponsible of your DH but unless there are other issues in your marriage I can’t say it’s something I wouldn’t end a relationship over. I hate to generalise but a lot of men don’t see danger where mums see it. What do you say to him when you bring it up again?

TwinkleRedMoon · 23/10/2019 16:31

I don't think this is gaslighting. Is it only this one incident you are upset about? I do think they were wrong to make you feel that you were over reacting. But it was the way they felt at the time. It doesn't necessarily mean they are treating you badly.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/10/2019 16:32

It's kind of gas lighting if he's making out the danger was only in your head and your judgement isn't to be trusted...

HalfManHalfLabrador · 23/10/2019 16:33

I wouldn’t describe that as gaslighting... being an arsehole yes

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 16:34

They are very much from the school of hard knocks, my MIL routinely tells me not to go to my children when they hurt themselves, or not to pick the little one up when we are out for a walk (even though I had been away all week having radiotherapy for cancer).

I feel like I don't have a voice or say in any aspect of my marriage anymore, even a comment from me that the little one might be waking because he's cold is met with irritation and dismissal - later turned out he was in a summer sleepbag.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 16:37

From your update it just sounds like you two have very different idea's about parenting/raising children. That is an issue.

Sorry to hear about the cancer OP, hope you're doing OK?

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 16:38

Tbh this might be part of a bigger thing, I was admitted to the hospital and spent 10 days on the emergency ward in the spring (lung collapse, blood clot, 2l of fluid on heart and lung), even though they were telling me it was probably cancer my husband stayed at his business workshop in Ireland rather than coming back.

He ended up leaving a day early but I guess I am now having trouble trusting that he's there for us when we need him, me or the baby on the stairs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 16:39

And yep, doing OK with the cancer, 5 months later I'm in remission and my hair is growing back as soft as a jellycat according to my children!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 16:45

Aww OP, sounds like alot going on in your life/head atm. I can see why you're worried about you childs well being what with being sick and away from them. It must have been very hurtful for your DH to stay away aswell after you got such devastating news. Glad you're doing well now

weekwhat · 23/10/2019 17:19

Hi I'm sorry to hear about the cancer, and I wondered if having cancer (and not feeling supported by husband at the time) might have emphasised other issues around the children's safety and care (and the different expectations and standards held by you and your husband/mil)? So I guess I was thinking that the stairs issue might have reasonably annoyed you anyway as they were minimising the danger when it was pointed out to them - but then it's stuck with you maybe because its part of the bigger issue around the fears that cancer brings with it. If so, I think most cancer units have pretty good free access psychological support services and it might be helpful to talk through how you're feeling with a professional in real life, you could just ask your link nurse or even receptionist if you're not sure. For what it's worth I would have been cross about the stairs incident too but I also know that having cancer can make things feel really 'unsafe' and scary for a while above and beyond that. Hope I've not stuck my nose in too much or assumed things

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 20:20

Thanks both, yes the cancer has probably made me more conscious that bad things can happen at any time, and I do feel on my guard, that's certainly true. It also made me realise just how temporary and precious life is, and right now I feel like I am wasting mine by staying in a relationship where I get undermined at every turn, even on something as instinctive as guarding my son from falling backwards down a flight of stairs. If even that can be ridiculed what is there left?

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 20:30

Also I should have said he wasn't at the top of the stairs on a landing, there was a stair gate at the top so he couldn't get to safety except by learning to climb backwards or falling 12 or so steps.

OP posts:

Majorcollywobble · 23/10/2019 20:37

I’m much older than you and firstly- Aaaw you poor kid - no way should you be treated this way by people who should love you the most .
You mil has no right to ridicule your very real concern that your 15 month old could have had a serious fall - and your DH agreeing with her is enough to rock anyone’s self confidence. You mention you were at your own mother’s house - have I read your post correctly? - when this happened- what does she feel about the whole situation?
After having had cancer you deserve some nurturing yourself . You sound to be a lovely warm person . If your undermining mil says not to comfort a child who is hurting she’s inhuman . My own mother ( she was a children’s nurse) use to say no sense , no feeling . Unfortunately it seems your mil has indoctrinated her son to think the same . He is totally wrong to bring up the issue of bipolar and your mother. My own mother had bipolar disease and it’s overlaid on your own personality - nice or nasty - and your mil sounds just plain nasty to me . Thinks she’s right in the head obviously but she’s the one with issues for sure .

NoSauce · 23/10/2019 20:39

Sorry OP do you mean he was climbing up the stairs towards the stair gate at the top?

Original poster

Serendipitysuz · 23/10/2019 21:13

Thanks for the lovely words majorcollywobble, and I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Mine was round the corner when it happened, and also in the middle of a low so I didn't want to make a big scene and upset her.

I don't think my MIL is nasty, and she has been here a lot to help while I was having chemo, but more just that she has terrible control issues, and she sees red if I ask her to do something a slightly different way from her way. I once gave my children a lower sugar cereal at her house and she stormed out. Kind of scary just over cereal! She came back a bit later and announced I had to clean an entire paddock full of horse manure!! Imagine growing up in a house like that, no wonder my husband is hardwired to agree

Yes nosauce, that's right he was on the top step but couldn't go any higher because of the locked stair gate. My mum had leant the bottom one to my brother and wasn't expecting us to pop in. So the only way for him was down.

When he later fell from the third step he went backwards like a domino and was only just caught in time before his head hit the wall, even though I was right there.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 23/10/2019 21:22

Thanks for clarifying OP. I’m baffled to why your H and MIL thought you were overreacting. You weren’t. Take care of yourself OP, you’ve been through a lot.

Wallywobbles · 23/10/2019 21:28

When she told you to shit pick the paddock i hope you told her to fuck off.

Mamasaurus82 · 23/10/2019 21:53

I'd be annoyed if DH and MIL ganged up on me like that. It doesn't sound like you overreacted. The safety of your child is most important and you dealt with that fine. Sounds like you've had a tough time. Glad your health is getting better.

CatsOnCatnip · 23/10/2019 22:03

I wouldn’t class it as gaslighting, but I’d certainly like an open conversation, an apology and in future and mutual understanding of how we parent our children and sensitivity to why you might be slightly more protective. I hope not to be shot down, I believe generally most mothers are.

CatsOnCatnip · 23/10/2019 22:04

(More sensitive. Not shot 😂)

Tigerty · 23/10/2019 22:10

I’d say it was gaslighting as they were telling OP that there was no danger and insinuating that she was making it up in her overprotectiveness. Then suggesting her overprotectiveness was due to a mental health issue OP may have inherited from her mum.

Definitively gaslighting as they are making OP question her decisions and her reality.

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