Is my husband gaslighting me?

[Serendipitysuz]

Hello, I haven't posted before but I just joined mumsnet because this situation happened a couple of months ago and it's unsettled me so much I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.

We were at my mums house with 3 children, husband and MIL, big kids were in the living room with me. I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband and MIL were sitting on the far side of the dining table, and our 15 month old toddler was alone at the top of a steep staircase, probably 8 ft or so in the air. We live in a bungalow so he hadn't had much practise, and while he could get up there he was in no way a proficient climber.

I said something along the lines of 'what's going on, why isn't anyone with him' and rushed up to guard him from falling. At which point my MIL said 'no no, he's fine, he's fine leave him alone', which my husband basically echoed. They then spent the next few minutes telling me how over protective I was, in quite a belittling manner.

I felt completely spooked, firstly because I felt I was going crazy that I was the only one who could see the danger (he did in fact fall straight backwards from the 3rd step a bit later, luckily caught), totally undermined and a bit humiliated that they had ganged up on me.

Finally I've started to question, if I'm not even allowed an opinion when it comes to the safety of my children, is this a marriage I should be in anymore?

I've tried talking to my husband about it since but he said it's a minor thing that I'm getting fixated on (my mother has bipolar and he insinuated that I was echoing her when she get obsessed about things) and that he was cross I was rude to his mother.

Am I going insane or is he gaslighting me???

Thanks nosauce x

Haha I wish, sadly i was staying at her house for 2 weeks on 'holiday', they live overseas, so was on her turf without anywhere to go.

I did say she has no right to tell me I can't pick up my child though, she was livid. Again there was a immidiate punishment, this time she offered my husband the airfare for him to fly our 3 children out to stay with her on the other side of the world, timed for when I can't get travel insurance due to the cancer. My husband thinks she's being super generous but there is no way I'm being separated from them after the year we've had. Also I'm on to her!

This has turned from a post about my husband into a one about my MIL, and while yes she is crazy and exhausting to deal with plenty of people have controlling inlaws, but they deal with them as a couple.

My husband doesn't really care if she tries to undermine me, she just goes along with it and then says that I have it in for his mum if I try and voice it.

I'm just SO tired of it all now

Cancer or no cancer, OP, this is something that would worry me. My 3yo has had bad tumbles 2 years in a row at one family house we visit. I was really close by each time, saw danger and was almost expecting it. But the family elders kept demeaning me, saying, DC needs to climb and if he finds out the hard way, he’ll remember. I’m not of that school. So I kept close by. First time concrete steps. Gash to head. I was a metre away. Grabbed him before he could fall further. Fortunately no stitches. The latest time, on carpet stairs and I was right there to grab him before blood went everywhere. He’d stuck a tooth into his lip. He was only 3 stairs up. From now on I will never allow anyone to make me think my child’s safety is less important than their antiquated minds. They made me feel like a helicopter parent for over caring. Do what you instinctively need to do to keep your DC safe. 💖

OP, of course you were right and they were wrong.
It sounds as if you generally don't feel heard or respected and your cancer diagnosis has focused your feelings of dissatisfaction.

Only you know which path is right for you.

I wish you the very best.💐

I think you’ve rightly come to the conclusion this isn’t just about that one incident.

I’m sorry about your cancer diagnosis - good news that treatment is working and I love the “soft as a jelly cat”. Based on that alone your kids sound precious.

I suspect your recent health issues are making you re-evaluate your life. No bad thing but I’d just be a little careful of rushing into anything while you’re still adjusting.

I don’t think the stair thing is necessarily a major issue. He obviously got away from them and perhaps they were a bit defensive. But if it’s part of a bigger picture of disrespect, then maybe it is an issue. You need to consider his behaviour, how he makes you feel and if this is something you can work on or not.

Good luck with everything.

Thanks Froglette, I didn't mention that he fell and lost a front tooth when she was last staying and looking after him, she didn't notice until I got back and saw the hole. Apparently he didn't even cry...

Stephminx and Billy thanks too and I think you're right. And while I wish I could say with was an oversight on their past they def knew where he was because the room is quite small and you can see through the side of the staircase. They were watching him the whole time, just from the comfort of their seats on the other side of the room.

Feels nice to be able to get this off my chest xx