How to tell friend to stop moaning

[cauliflowersqueeze]

Ok a little bit of advice.

I have been friends with a woman for about 20 years. As the years have gone on she has become more and more negative, constantly complaining about work (we don’t work at the same place) and it’s really getting me down every time I see her.

I do like her, and I do feel very sorry for her, but after I’ve seen her I feel completely drained and sad. I can’t get a word in edgeways, if I try to say something she will look off into the middle distance, wait till I’ve finished and then turn everything back to her.

Everything in me tells me to just keep out her way, but it’s been a long friendship and I do feel sorry for her. I want to tell her to be a bit more positive but I think she would be overly sarcastic at that or just “fake jolly”. All of her complaints are about work - I have tried to find her lots of other jobs but she pretends to be interested but never actually does anything about it.

Is there anything I can say to improve things or AIBU to just let things die off?

I could have written this about one of my friends! Every time I see her it's just endless moaning and it's all about her - her health, her job, her relationships. She moans about things that happened years ago and rarely asks anything about me or my life. I actually have stopped seeing her so much because I leave feeling drained. Recently I lost a close relative and when I met up with my friend a few weeks later she never even mentioned it but continued to moan about her own issues. That wound me up.

Wish I could be direct and just tell her like some of the replies here as I genuinely don't think she realises she's doing it.

I have a friend like this and she can't change, she is this person, seems to lack completely the ability to find any pleasure in anything. She's got definite issues and the relentless negativity drives people away so leaves her yet more lonely and unhappy. Well meaning people help her plan, for instance, to sell her house which she's been faffing over for at least 15 years. Puts on market, takes off if there's any interest at all. Has various health issues. Goes through months of appointments, decides she's got the wrong medicine so doesn't take it, or at the last minute that she won't have operation recommended. It's very wearing. Her doctors must dread seeing her on their list. However, she's not a horrible person, just very damaged and a weekly phone call makes her feel a bit better briefly so I stay in touch. I never give her advice and dont take any proposed plans seriously as I've come to understand her 'plans' are actually scary fantasies that will never come to fruition. It's sad. Her life could feel so much better but she just can't do it.

I wonder if the words a moaner says are not their real message. So they are on a loop and people respond to the surface conversation with suggestions. Which isn't their genuine distress cry.

To answer your original question - how do you tell a friend to stop moaning.... you can't. Not in a way that will transform them. It's become a habit - May be born from mental illness but maybe not.

You say that they are like it with other people so I think that all you can do is either decide to change the friendship or to walk away. You can not change her behaviour only your exposure or interaction with it. Only she can.

You could try maintaining the friendship by drastically reducing the time you spend with her - this may stop the stories as she can't fill you. When she starts you need to do reflective stuff. Not sure this will work if I'm honest.

Change when / where you see her. Try and break the behaviour by seeing her but not in easy to talk scenerios - a gig, cinema, theatre or whatever noisey or interesting (trips somewhere) that mean she doesn't have your full attention.

Be blunt. Ban work and tell her way. If she falls out with you as a result then you've lost nothing. Sounds harsh but it's your last ditch attempt to help her see that she is pushing everyone away.

I go to a hobby group regularly and there was one person who used to come frequently that spent the whole time moaning - really bitter, angry moaning about his work and his shitty boss, about his family and his shitty parents, about his house and his shitty neighbours, about his love life and his shitty ex...

The thing was, we weren't friends and he wasn't actually close to anyone in the group - he'd pour this stuff out to anyone and everyone, even if they'd never met him before. Every conversation was hard work to stop him grabbing onto it and spiralling off into his pit of negativity.

Thankfully he's moved and attends very rarely these days. I was worried at one point he was going to kill off the group.

I've had a couple of drains. Both bled me dry and neither were there for me when I needed someone to lean on. Part was mental issues but beside that was a deep, deep selfishness and arrogance that I could be an endless sounding board.

Neither situation ended well and I am truly grateful they are out of my life now.

If you want to lose your friend, start putting demands on her (just a small % of the demands she put on you should do it) and I can guarantee you won't see her for dust.

My mum can be a bit like this when she has a bee in her bonnet about something someone’s done that she feels aggrieved about. It ends up dominating all conversation and I end up feeling like a bit rubbish.

How I’ve drawn conversations to a close on a topic is to point out how ruminating endlessly on the problem doesn’t help, its good to share your problems but if you’re just going over the same ground then she’s just getting into a negative mindset which isn’t good for her. And, i tell her it’s making me feel really stressed out. I’ve had a hard time with xyz too.

So basically saying ruminating about it isn’t good for her and highlighting that it’s not good for you either at the moment and asking her to show empathy.

I've been around people just like that who leave you feeling drained after speaking to them and who you end up wanting to avoid because of how it makes you feel to be around them

All I can suggest is if you do see her and she complains about her job, cut her short and say can we please talk about something else, everytime we talk you offload this on to me ...if she still offloads..minimise contact

Fountains & drains, we all have relatives and friends like this. It is difficult to handle, even fountains can become drains during rough times which is understandable, life is tough. But when a friend constantly drains you of energy it just isn’t worth it. Perhaps your friend would benefit from professional talking therapy or by reading self help books, such as The Four Agreements, it could be life changing for them and help them to see life in a more positive light.

Ah yes, the radiator and drain analogy. I had a colleague who was so negative all the time she made Leonard Cohen songs sound cheerful.
We had a work training day which included a psychologist talking about radiators and drains. Got back to the department and old Moaning Minnie says "that really resonated, and of course is definitely the drain around here, always so negative"!!!!! You should have seen the looks we were all giving behind her back and over her head.
And that's the problem, these people never have any self awareness. They're so self obsessed they really can't regulate their own behaviour.

Personally I'll drop her because she isn't your friend. She isn't interested in you or your life.
Absolutely crazy to continue with pretending that you are friends.
Now that I'm older I try to do as much as possible the things that make me happy.
I don't do bad anything unless I really have to.
Life is too short to have bad relationships.

I wonder if the words a moaner says are not their real message. So they are on a loop and people respond to the surface conversation with suggestions. Which isn't their genuine distress cry.

DH (who has his own issues and is by no means a skilled reader of people) has a good phrase for situations like the above: you're providing a practical solution to an emotional problem. Took DSis and I years to realise that our mother was like this too - she just wanted you to listen, she wasn't actually going to change anything.

It is hard to deal with constant negativity, and my response depends on the person. If they have fallen into a habit but were more happy before, I give them my time. If they are incredibly self absorbed and I have no experience of them being otherwise, I avoid.

I have a couple of friends like this.

One is a “self-analyst” so she has self diagnosed herself with several conditions from dyslexia to autism. I sit there for hours listening to how certain situations made her feel or think while she shows me instagram memes that back up or validate her feelings. I’ve recently had some problems in my life and she does offer some useful insight but it’s always by way of sharing her own experiences so, inevitably it ends being about her again! I love her dearly as she’s one of my oldest friends but I do find it exhausting. I value the friendship but I have considered saying something to her as, ironically, she had little self awareness. Some of the suggestions on here might come in handy!

My other friend has had some dreadful trauma over the last 18 months and is very depressed. She’s stuck in a cycle of negativity and nothing I say or do helps. I’m trying to be supportive and patient and hope she comes out the other side but I miss my lovely caring funny friend.

Wow, this seems to be a really common thing. I too had a friend like this, nothing was ever good enough, no matter how generous I was with my time talking or doing nice things for her, she was never happy. And I noticed a lot of her other friends and some family had stopped engaging with her as much (which lead to more upset). She ended up being given a rather fabulous opportunity which gave her a fresh start, but still the phone calls were negative, nothing good to say. I stopped picking up to save my sanity. She appears to have started hanging out with a new younger group of people who imagine have fresh sympathies for her. It’s so wearing! And gentle encouragement to maybe look to the positives fall on deaf ears. I think she tried one counselling session but didn’t keep it going. It’s very sad but I agree with others that I think it’s a lack of self awareness (she had little genuine sympathy for others and could be quite rude). There’s only so much you can do, in some cases.

This type of person is incredibly draining. You cannot do anything to change her behaviour. Only yours. The type of response you need to give to cool down her wingeing is “I am not your therapist” and stop engaging. Ultimately your gut is telling you to cool it off. That’s what I would do. Then if you do decide to meet with her again, decide beforehand how you’re going to handle it. At least you can get away from her. Imagine being brought up by one of these people.... Yes mother. 😫

For me it wouldn't be the work chat - it would be her absolute lack of interest in you.
And to text thanks for the therapy is bitchy, she's acknowledging she chewed your ear off all night. I'd either ditch her or go very low contact and hope she gets the msg.

I agree with PPs that it sounds as if your friend is suffering from depression, and she does need proper therapy. I've had friends like this, it's exhausting. Frustrating, too, when you make suggestions and each one is shot down as not being possible.

I do understand about MH issues, I have them myself, complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA and anxiety. Even so, it isn't an excuse for treating people badly. Your friend thanking you for the 'therapy' does make her sound like something of a user.

It sounds as if your friend lacks social awareness, hence her not understanding that your other friends don't like her because she's unpleasant towards them.

If it brings you down too much, you shouldn't feel bad about pulling back from her. At the end of the day, you're not her therapist.

There's a difference between someone who is like this all the time, all through the years. They tend to make friends and fall out quickly.

Then you have those who were not like this before but become so at a time in their life. Those are the ones who are likely to experience depression. Depression makes you self focus and lacking empathy.

Depression can affect anyone at any time and will hit the most laid-back, happy women during menopause.

Yes it makes you a drain, but as said, what goes around comes round and one day, you'll might be the one who desperately need a shoulder to let all your moans out with.

It was me a few years back, now I'm a shoulder for others but I have t forgotten who were not there for me when I needed them most.

I had a very long term friend like this but finally ended the friendship recently as I couldn't cope anymore. We worked together for years and I think I didn't notice her moaning that much then as I knew the people and probably joined in. But I left the firm nearly a decade ago and she is still there with the same issues and same complaints. Whenever one person leaves there is always someone else who takes over the perceived unfairness or persecution of her. Everyone is always bullying her or treating her unfairly. It got too much in the end and life is too short to spend your free time dealing with this shit.

I had a friend like this and did all the usual - listened, empathised, gave advice. Nothing worked.

I got to a stage where I felt she was just draining the positivity out of me.

Finally, I snapped one day and said 'FFS just change your bloody job or stop moaning about it'. It worked a treat, has not spoken to me since.

Life has been a lot better since then. Why do we put up with these people for so long? Sometimes we just need to tell them to do one and move on.

I think you honestly have to shut down any talk about her job. Pre-empt it by saying, when she rings, 'look, I really don't want to hear about your job today, let's talk about something else, because every conversation is about your job and I have tried to help and offer solutions, but it's just not working. Tell me your news.... blah blah...'

Her reaction to this will be all you need to know

I had a friend like this for 10 years. She was my best friend and we were very close but she was so negative. Everything she complained about. I tried to help her. But it was a constant race to the bottom with her. Her life and problems were always worse.

E.g she was a child of a single mother, and had to take loans out at uni and I couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be poor but I was in the exact same situation. I use to just let it wash over me and help her where I could.

When my life started moving in the direction I wanted she became really standoffish and putting me down. E.g 'You sound like a child, I went through all this at uni', and 'you should try going abroad by yourself, I have just done this, it will do you good ' (despite me having lived in another country for a year)! It was like my experiences never counted with her.

I gave up in the end. We lost contact. Met up again last year at a friends party (15 years on). She was still similar She said to get into contact. I haven't although tempted, as I havent had a close friend like her since. But it doesn't pay to go back in time sometimes.

It's one thing her being ultra moany, but it's quite another that she glazes over if you do so much as manage to get a word in. That is rude and self obsessive to the extreme. I would be honest with her-you've known her long enough to be- and tell her you're finding the friendship one sided and draining and that if she doesn't stop moaning about work you will be forced to cut down on the time you spend with her. She needs that reality check otherwise she will never change.

I think some people just get stuck in a rut and lose self awareness, they have no idea how they’re affecting people around them.

I have a friend like this too, I keep her at arms length now because I find her utterly exhausting to talk to. She has had a tough few years but so have I for different reasons, I just choose not to sit whinging about it all of the time.

Distance may be the only solution I’m afraid.

I had this a bit with my DBro. He has absolutely everything going for him but is a glass half empty person. I listen for hours to his pressure of work etc.
I offer what I consider are quite good solutions. He takes no advice. But hey ho, he's my brother so I will always be there for him.

Then, out the blue, my DH was rushed into hospital and was really quite seriously ill. I rang him and told him.... it was like me saying 'the sky is blue'. Little reaction but didn't have time to think or react to that.

My DH was in hospital over 2 weeks. He didn't ring once. (and my DH and him get on really really well).

Out the blue he rang towards the end of the 2 weeks to whinge about something, didn't even ask about my DH, and I absolutely tore into him big time.

Hopefully he won't be so thoughtless again next time.

Sometimes honestly, people need telling. I know people struggle and you can but be there for them. But that doesn't mean you can be a total arse.