How to tell friend to stop moaning

[cauliflowersqueeze]

Ok a little bit of advice.

I have been friends with a woman for about 20 years. As the years have gone on she has become more and more negative, constantly complaining about work (we don’t work at the same place) and it’s really getting me down every time I see her.

I do like her, and I do feel very sorry for her, but after I’ve seen her I feel completely drained and sad. I can’t get a word in edgeways, if I try to say something she will look off into the middle distance, wait till I’ve finished and then turn everything back to her.

Everything in me tells me to just keep out her way, but it’s been a long friendship and I do feel sorry for her. I want to tell her to be a bit more positive but I think she would be overly sarcastic at that or just “fake jolly”. All of her complaints are about work - I have tried to find her lots of other jobs but she pretends to be interested but never actually does anything about it.

Is there anything I can say to improve things or AIBU to just let things die off?

The rational person in me knows that I should explain and then let her improve or cut back.

The “avoiding conflict” person in me wants to be less obvious but I fully appreciate that not spelling it out could mean a longer drawn out process.

Yes I do definitely want to give her a Pity Party crown.

1woke - that FaceTime thing is awful! I can only imagine how used you felt

I think you were right the first time, MrsGrindah 'They shit down any reasonable argument' is a spot-on assessment IME

I have a relative liked this, just loves moaning - always has to be fair, but as their mental health has declined it has all got a bit much. Constant victim, extremely draining to be with. I get knots of tension in my stomach before seeing them as it's that bad now. If it was a friend, rather than a relative, I would be phasing them out.

I would suggest a simple and direct "Oh FFS, stop whinging woman!". Works wonders.

When I went through this with a couple I know, when we planned our next meetup, I said "ugh, it's been a really tough week, and I know you've been going though stuff too. This time let's try and take our minds of things, talk about other stuff and have fun instead of venting"

The on the day, when things took a turn I'd brightly say "No - we're not doing this today!"
It sort of worked. They even caught themselves out a couple of times.

sara I think that’s a really good idea!!

I would also like occasionally to have a tiny whinge about something or ask her advice on something but it opens up a huge “you think that’s bad, wait till I tell you about my (much bigger) problem” and then I end up feeling worse. So I end up just listening and smiling and dying inside.

"But I think she will just make a huge sigh and have nothing to say"

There's your answer really.

I think I will try to say about being positive and let’s talk about positives. But I think she will just make a huge sigh and have nothing to say

I think she will too if I'm honest. My friend conveniently took a huff and stopped talking to me (ironically when I did something to try to make her feel good!) and it suited me to let the friendship die there. I do regret not telling her and giving her a chance to change, though.

I posted almost the same thread a couple of weeks ago. I wonder if it's the same friend.

I have tried to step back a bit.

I'm like this. I try to watch myself/catch myself. Make sure I ask the other person about themselves.

Following with interest - I always end up snapping at these types of people. MIL, in her advancing years, is becoming like this and I need coping strategies. She spent a good twenty minutes yesterday moaning that she has to take one pill - ONE SODDING PILL - every day for the rest of her life. Firstly, she's 82. One pill a day is bloody good going at that age. Secondly, there's people who have to inject themselves twice a day and more besides. Ooh, she tests my patience!

I think we all know someone like this. Actually I admit to being like this at times. Usually it is because of a build up of things going wrong, all at once, and feeling hard done by. I think it is easy to blame someone of moaning if you have a happy life; to feel maybe they just aren't putting enough effort in. From the other side it is hard to feel helpless in your own life and not know how to get out of a funk. I'd liken it to being in a pit with slippery walls. I'm sure she knows she sounds negative most of the time and wishes she could reclaim her 'fun side' but that will just make her feel worse.

I'd advise her to get actual therapy. Get her meeting new people and new hobbies. Carving out time for her to do something special for herself - she will have a hugely low opinion of herself. I think if you make more effort to physically see her and plan a fun day you will see more of her fun side re-emerge.

She sounds like my mother. The constant moaning and self absorption is constant and draining. Makes me want to scream.

While quiet and introverted I do have friends but seem to attract people of this type. I had a friend who would actually make a pointed comment about how she was a ‘radiator’ when others were ‘drains’ before monopolising the conversation with her woes. Another felt that she was entitled to feel sad about things but that I was ‘lucky’ so wasn’t and dismissed me with a contemptuous comment before moaning about her life.Another was just so self obsessed that she talked continuously without drawing a breath or letting me into the conversation. I once timed her talking for forty minutes without pause and without cottoning on to how rude she was being. It was sheer torture as I have real difficulties with being talked at. It makes me anxious and panicky.

I don’t know what to suggest to the OP. Others have come up with some good techniques but I have to say that in the end, with my friends, I had to back away. Some people will never change and if they find a victim they will continue to use them as they have no intrinsic interest in them to start with.

I was just thinking of a chat I had with a friend earlier - I've had a horrible week of workmen letting me down whilst i'm on a short timescale to move which included being shouted at by a man so much my neighbours came around (after he left) asking if they should call the police. SO - lots of moaning to my lovely friend. She, bless her, made oh no! noises etc, then said "shall I tell you a really happy story from my week?" and told me a wonderful story about someone she had helped remembering her and stopping work to give her a big hug and tell her how influential her help had been.

Friends needing support can be a lesson in how helping people can also be good for your soul; which I think works for both parties in a friendship. Maybe your friend just needs reminding of that. I would say she might have depression too and if you express concern for that it may trigger her getting real therapy.

Sounds like she may be depressed, may be worth coming out and asking her. CBT would be good for her it sounds like.

I've tried with people like this to keep saying watch time we meet ' oh listen to US being negative {then a laugh at yourselves) let's talk about something more positive (have something funny, light hearted ready to move on to). Can take a few repeats of this until the hint is taken.

Another thing I've tried is not to get drawn into the detail, say ah but don't forget you can't change what people do to you but you can change how you react to it. Remind her she does have choices, she may not like the choices but they are still choices.

Also do some glazing over yourself!

just popped back on to say the problem with people like this is they respond with “ you can’t possibly understand” which is true..no one is totally in someone else’s shoes..so they shit down any reasonable argument
I think the answer to this is to say “ well why have you been trying too for the last 30 minutes” and walk off.
I like a direct approach. Sometimes attack is the best form of defence. Getting cross or upset, shifts the attention away from them and they gave to confront that their behaviour upset you and they have to be pro active in getting the friendship back.

WomensRights I'm sorry but that's so ridiculous i laughed. I'd also have helped you out though.

A pp said what motivates people to be friends with drains (sorry paraphrasing). I think that's a really important question / point.

For myself - it lets me have social contact without intimacy / being overwhelmed. I also must admit that i come home and say - that Sarah is such a moaner!

Then i moan about Sarah.

Unfortunately i have a family member who i love and who is a very caring person who does nothing but moan. I realised that my suggestions / advice were not what he wanted but to say - that sounds very bad, I'm so sorry for you. It seemed to take the steam out of it.

I agree with the pp who said it can be a sign of mental illness. I have a friend like this and I'm sure she has underlying anxiety and/or depression.

It's so draining and my tactic has just been to try to steer the conversation to something more positive. It doesn't always work but when she goes on about how awful her job is, I just say that's a terrible situation to be in and she's the only one who can change things, and tell her I wouldn't stay in a job like that, I'd be out looking for something else, and then move the conversation on. I know she has no intention of finding a new job and, if she did, I know she'd find something to moan about with it, but I try to emphasise that she needs to take responsibility for the direction her life is taking and not engage too much.

I don't see her much know because I find her so draining. I have young kids and work part time and don't get out with friends as much as I used to, so when I do go out, I look forward to adult conversation and having a laugh, which I get with my other friends but not with this one unfortunately.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. There are some great responses which I can use for the Moaning Minnie in my life. Some people love the drama and attention of complaining/being miserable or angry so these polite responses are perfect.

She's going through a hard time. People become miserable, self-focus and depressing when they do. Friends are supposed to be there during that time.

My old best friend who is 10 years older than me went through this when she hit the menopause. I couldn't understand why my fun, energetic, positive minded had become so miserable and yes, I found being with her draining and not very pleasant, but I stood by her because I knew she was just very down. It lasted a couple of years and it got harder and harder, but then she suddenly picked up and before I knew it, she was back to being fun.

Then the menopause hit me and oh did I finally get why she'd turned into such a miserable cow because suddenly it was me. I was so glad that I stood by her years later because now she was the one there for me, when many didn't.

We are so close and know that we can always turn to each other when needed. I have lost some friends who couldn't be bothered, and one of them is starting to come back to me as she's now going through a divorce and need to a shoulder to lean on. I'm very much debating whether to be there for her or not.

I wonder if people switch this role depending on who they're with. There's someone who i suspect thinks I'm a drain. I think maybe I am when I'm with them but being with them somehow triggers very negative everything. I make a serious effort to stay on neutral, happy subjects with this person but somehow the conversation turns negative.

She sounds like a help-refusing complainer: blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/02/the-blame-game-dealing-with-a-help-rejecting-complainer/

I had a friend like this. Had everything going for her but moaned all the time. Eventually I decided to tell her that it was becoming an issue and that she could be more positive.

I’d known her for over 20 years and she ignores me now and won’t speak to me.

Once I’d stopped being her negativity sponge I was no use to her!

I have a friend like this. She uses me as an unpaid therapist. Everything is about her. She will ask, 'how are you' as a way into talking about herself.. exclusively. Doesn't really empathise me with beyond a very surface level. If I phone her the conversation is always an hour and a half long, and it's all about her. She's totally negative. I have tried to distance myself and dread her texts. Some people have no self awareness at all.
My sister is also like this. Her conversation is all about herself, she is completely disinterested in me. To the point where if i am doing anything at all she looks to how it can benefit her, not what I am getting out of it.