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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you would tell a parent

71 replies

IceAndASlice123 · 23/10/2019 14:00

If you knew someone who was a recreational drug user and around their young child? The young girl (22) who does the drug taking does not have sole charge of the child but child adores them and it's possible they could be alone with them at some time.
My friend said I would be starting a witch hunt and could be done for slander.

The parent I might be alerting is not aware of this girl as she is separated from her ex and so doesn't know who her kid is really spending time with

OP posts:

LaBelleSauvage · 23/10/2019 23:19

Brand
Like Neurofen or Calpol? Dying 😂

KnickerBockerAndrew · 23/10/2019 23:31

I think you sound incredibly naive OP. The effects of smoking a joint isn't that different to having a large glass of wine. I've taken prescription drugs that have a far worse effect than even string cannabis.
I don't really get the "what if the child picks up drugs thinking it's a sweet" thing either. This could happen with nurofen, or a bottle of bleach, or dog worming tablets.

Also, your info seems patchy. Can you tell us exactly how she is brazen about her drug use without ever naming the drug?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 24/10/2019 00:46

I would think, unless there is evidence to the contrary, that the child's father is a capable parent and wouldn't let their child be in a dangerous situation.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2019 01:18

OP do what you really want to do. Find out what the situation really is and tell the mum, or don't.

You can't take the advice of total strangers on this one. IMHO. Be prepared not to be believed and perhaps for some fall out but if you want to tell, then tell.

Good luck. My son is adopted. His birth parents had their drugs around him and could have endangered him. It's not a laughing matter.

But I hope you get your facts straight before saying anything.

AzraiL · 24/10/2019 01:35

Honestly I'd say something, if you have evidence (hearing her boast, etc). Then let the mother make up her own mind. I think it's up to the mother to decide if the drug use is 'harmless' or not, and at which capacity, if at all, she wants her child exposed to this person.

Josette77 · 24/10/2019 01:52

I understand addiction isn't a joke. My father overdosed and died when I was 17. However, smoking marijuana is not the same as shooting heroin into you. I happen to live where pot is legal, and it's not that different from a large glass of wine.

I think it's bizarre you have no clue what kind of drugs, that she brags about this, and yet the parents don't know.

BitOfFun · 24/10/2019 01:54

Talking to the father seems more sensible to me, if you really feel the need to intervene.

I'm puzzled how you seem to have no idea which drugs are involved, given that you say the person is "brazen" about it.

I'm also sceptical that you believe there's a risk of the child ingesting the mystery drugs, given that all but the most careless of consumers are very aware of exactly where their stash is.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 24/10/2019 02:06

If the family already spend time with this 22 year old I would assume the parents already know.

noshoesnoshirt · 24/10/2019 02:58

A 22 year old is a Woman, not a "young girl"

I'm not usually one to call attention to this, but in this case, calling her a "young girl" just seems weird... she's a woman!?

Monty27 · 24/10/2019 03:07

OP you seem to know an awful lot about these people.
I could dream up all sorts of theories about families that live on my road.
It's not any of my business and they all seem fine to me.
Not perfect probably in the eye of those that judge.

Neome · 24/10/2019 03:30

Is it right that you are long time friends with the 6 year old boy's Dad but not with his Mum who lives in another city? And that this little boy stays with his Dad regularly where Dad's 22 year old female friend also hangs out taking an illegal drug in pill form which you're worried the 6 year old will accidentally take, thinking it's a sweet?

this made me pause for thought

lottelupin · 24/10/2019 04:00

OP I'm with you totally on this, and having read through the thread now, am alarmed and kind of shocked at the cavalier and casually louche attitude towards drug use that many posters seem to have. Yes I'm also very sheltered then, as I also wouldn't want anyone near my six year old taking any kind of 'pills'. (Perhaps because I don't live in London ... ?! 😅) I have a late teens SD and have heard a few things, so know that taking things like ketamine, ecstasy, cocaine and I don't know what else is rife among young people. Sounds like some parents too look on it as standard. (?!!!)

It's pretty awful people are trying to make you feel you're overreacting or being just some sort of idiot/bluestocking/interfering meddler who is out of line. I think you're completely right and it's v good of you to be concerned and feeling responsible as this little boy's father has a 22 yr old girl around who died my sound properly responsible. It doesn't matter if she's a girlfriend or babysitter or step daughter or whatever - she's charismatic, the little boy adores her, and she's a casual drug taker. She just doesn't sound responsible enough.

Would I want my six year old in another city with her? No bloody way.

Yes I think you should say something. This isn't judgemental - this is practical and reasonable and keeping a child safe.

I think you should talk to the father first. Raise your concern. Maybe also check out what he thinks his ex would think about it. But probably this girl isn't going out of the child's life. So the father needs to take the girl to task. Tell her he doesn't want this around his kid.

When I think about it, it's also to me totally wrong that this little bit should be hearing about drug use, however recreational. It's awful. Horrible.

If you don't get the right answer from the father, yes I'd tell the mother. Ultimately this needs to be dealt with. It's not ok.

lottelupin · 24/10/2019 04:03

Omg typos

This little boy

The girl doesn't sound responsible

LeftoverPizza · 24/10/2019 04:04

I’d say something

Mummaofmytribe · 24/10/2019 04:15

And for pps stating that smoking weed is no big deal you might think differently if you'd seen the paranoia, mood swings and lack of motivation/empathy is caused in my son. I believe it was a contributing factor to his suicide. Sick of people saying weed is no different to wine. True, some people have it under control, but others are strongly affected. I wouldn't have left my DS in charge of a child that's for sure. And he was a loving, gentle person beforehand.

SD1978 · 24/10/2019 04:16

So you don't know what, you don't know when, and have no proof the babysitter, as you've stated it's not the child's parents, who doesn't have sole responsibility for the child anyway, has any drugs around the child.......what would you be reporting exactly?

lottelupin · 24/10/2019 04:32

What would you be reporting exactly?
OP would be alerting the child's mum to the fact that he's regularly looked after, sole care, by a young girl who takes recreational drugs when with him, or at least boasts about it and may have pills etc. on her, in her bag.

Fair enough.

Look we all know the problem here - the mum will come down like a tonne of bricks on the father, and he might not get to have the kid to stay. Not without solid reassurances. The girl might have to be removed from the child's life. That will cause strife. And the OP is worried about setting that ball rolling. But doesn't want to say nothing and some harm come to the child.

It's fair and decent to speak to the father first. Although he must also know about it already so it's not much cop that he hasn't himself sorted it. But you should speak up.

SD1978 · 24/10/2019 12:26

@lottelupin - she's is stating not sole care- is juts around the child

HiJenny35 · 30/10/2019 09:34

Who said pills? At no point has she said pills, it could be coke in a nightclub or weed at the weekend you have absolutely no idea and neither does the op so she's just shit stirring. Either have the court to go and speak to the girl and ask what drugs she's taking and explain your concerns for the drug storage and then any effect of the drug being around the child or keep it to yourself. A 22 year old doing a line of coke at a club on a Friday night isn't the same a a heroine user using in the home. You know nothing. As for being naive, yes I think you are, out of 30 parents in my daughters class I know at least 7 parents, 4 who do coke at the weekend if out and 3 who smoke weed. No I don't think that's right personally it's not my thing but it's very common. If you go to any pub on a weekend coke is commonplace.

yellowallpaper · 30/10/2019 10:34

As a nurse (done all the child safety courses etc) I would say the welfare of the child is paramount. I would have a quiet word with the mother of the child. Someone taking drugs of any description around a young child in their care, is not acceptable

yellowallpaper · 30/10/2019 10:38

Give the child's mother all the information you have and let her make up her mind. I can't believe anyone who loves their child would be happy they were in the care of someone who may be using drugs around them. I would personally go ballistic at my ex for allowing this with my child. At least give the mother the chance to clarify things concerning her child.

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