"Talking about your depression will make it a bigger issue than it is"

[poolnoodle]

AIBU to be coming to the end of my tether in trying to get DH to support me with my mental health issues?

I have treatment-resistant chronic depression and anxiety. In the last few weeks I've been pretty low, but able to function well enough for work and the children. DH helps with practical things but absolutely won't or can't talk about how I'm feeling.

Then last night he came up with the corking statement in the title of this thread. I have a few mates I can talk to and I've had a few rounds of therapy. But the refusal of the person I spend most time with to even ask how I am occasionally is making me feel really lonely.

I've tried linking him to resources like "a partners guide to depression" but he still wont discuss it. His comment last night makes me think that he doesn't get how serious it is at all :(

bumping for the evening crowd?

He sounds like he either doesn’t understand depression or can’t cope with talking about feelings. He doesn’t sound supportive at all.

This is an old-fashioned attitude but there are people who still have it. Least said soonest mended and all that.

Is it maybe a timing thing with him? Does he need to get his head around it all?

No he clearly doesn’t understand depression (sadly a lot of people don’t) you’d never be told not to talk about your back pain or migraines would you? Or maybe you would if your partner had no interest in supporting you

You deserve to feel supported by your DH, that's so disappointing for you. It's great he helps practically, do you have a good marriage otherwise?

If it's a good relationship, I'd accept that he just isn't capable of proving the emotional support you need, and try to gain that support elsewhere with others that can appreciate and understand what you're going through.

If it's not a happy marriage and you feel he's refusing emotional support (rather than being unable to offer it) then I'd consider if being with him was harming your recovery and making your symptoms worse.

I think it can be very draining being around someone with depression.

That's a nice comment another :)

As for op, it's up to the person with the illness to see what helps and what doesn't. Not up to someone else to decide for them.

He doesn't all how are you? I mean that's a normal question hardly pushing the boat out

That's quite appalling, a partnership should include being able to talk.

I find it hard myself but will always eventually tell my partner what's happening in my head. He doesn't say much and can't take it away, but it's helpful for him to know.

I'm sorry he appears to be a knob.

another has a point to be fair, it can't be much fun for him when I'm having a difficult episode.

Not very constructive though is it.

I can’t help OP but that’s my mum’s attitude. She thinks that talking about problems makes them worse so she just ‘soldiers on’ (her own words, not mine). I’m pretty sure she and my dad both have depression but they made me think that being happy isn’t ‘normal’. I used to ask her if she was happy when I was a kid and she would breezily say ‘oh, no one’s ever really /happy/, but we get by’. It meant it took me years to actually believe that I was worthy of genuine happiness and life wasn’t just a grind that you’re meant to endure.

Sorry, that’s a bit of a tangent. I just wonder if your DH is feeling ground down by life (partially due to your depression but many other things too) and whether or not he could benefit from some support himself? Not from you as such if you have your own problems to face, but maybe some counselling or something, so that he can appreciate the value in talking, for himself...

I don't know which one it is, Cormac . He's said that he "doesn't know what else he can do" to support me, as if he feels like he's putting himself out massively already. Which he might be...

I'm not asking for a deep and meaningful exploration of my mental health status twice a day - just an occasional "how have things been today?"

I think it's so important to be able to speak to him. It was how I got through my darkest times.

Not helpful but just wanted to say I think he really needs to put his own feelings aside on this one.

And to PP who said it's draining, I do agree and I felt guilt about that but read the OP's post. She's holding down a family and job whilst coping with this.

I think you sound quite incredible. Maybe DH sees you getting by and wants to stay in denial that it's not happening?

That's such an interesting viewpoint, Dolly and a great idea to see if he wants to talk to someone himself. I'm not sure if he would but worth putting to him for sure.

it just goes to show how self-absorbed depression can make a person. I'd never considered that he might need some support too.

In all honesty, he is either not worth it (and won’t support you at all) or he is at the end of his tether and giving as much as he can. Maybe ask him?

I will ask him, *seaweed .

FWIW, OP, I think it's a deal breaker.
If you have depression and your partner isn't even interested in trying to support you, he's a shit partner.
You refer to him as DH - the traditional marriage vows are "in sickness and in health" - which means we are supposed to support each other if we get sick, whether that's physical or mental illness.
Obviously there are limits; for example if your partner is refusing to get treatment, if they are abusive as well as unwell, etc etc. But you have been getting treatment and I think you deserve to be supported.

I've had episodes of depression and my DH has really struggled to understand and give me the support I want/need. I have sought support elsewhere (therapy, close family and friends) but it has nonetheless created friction in the relationship. It makes me feel sad and frustrated and, increasingly, resentful, because I've given him a huge amount of emotional support over the years (particularly the last few). It's obviously the "emotional labour" that women do and IMO it's the aspect of "wife work" that is so very hard to crack. A man who pulls his weight with childcare, housework, etc can still struggle with less practical and tangible aspects - organising, planning, emotional support.

I don't think it's healthy to expect your partner to fulfil all your needs - it is important to maintain other relationships for that - but there are certain core things you need for a relationship to work and emotional connection is one. I think it can create an emotional distance and a sense of loneliness within the relationship if your partner isn't interested in your mental health.

In our case, couple's counselling has helped quite a bit, and DH finally getting his own counselling for various things has helped a lot. Would your DH be open to couple's counselling?

I think maybe I agree with him. Emotions of various kind's can get beget more of the same emotion, through a sort of reinforcement process.

Unhappiness that actually has an external cause can be extended and deepened by fruitlessly obsessing.

I once knew a woman who I nicknamed in my head "Loopy Lou" because she could be triggered by an utterly insignificant event, then, it seemed to me, her brain went into a tight feedback loop where each measure of anger generated more anger, and in matter of seconds from the trigger I would see her face go white and still, then she would explode with incandescent rage. I originally wrote "irritation" rather than "event" to describe the trigger, but the truth is, not once after the event did I think there was even a shred of justification for even mild irritation, let alone completely losing her shit.

I've never understood the school of thought that says that talking about negative emotions helps. For me, dwelling on things increases suffering. (I did many years ago google this issue, and it turned out neither school of thought is universally correct. Talking can make things better or worse, depending on the person and the problem.)

I'd be up for couple's counselling. I suspect DH would rather do anything else in the entire world, however.

Sounds like he means by talking about it, it stops him from minimising how much you are actually going through. It could be as he's not willing too, or because it worries him too much.

Either there has to be a right balance between you both.

I agree, petty

I can see both sides of this. I think another has a point and he is already supporting you by taking over the practical stuff when you're ill. But he's not a therapist and probably knackered himself.

It's either one of two things:

1. He doesn't understand how serious depression actually is and that it's more than just feeling sad. I didn't realise how awful it was until I suffered myself.
2. Everyone copes with things differently. Maybe he thinks you will cope better if he isn't bringing up the subject and you aren't talking about it. Everybody is different but for me I actually feel worse after talking about how im feeling. It was like because i didn't have to pretend to be happy any more I became more negative.

"I'd be up for couple's counselling. I suspect DH would rather do anything else in the entire world, however."

Luckily for me, DH was open to counselling and it has saved our relationship (on two separate occasions for two different issues). If he hadn't been up for it, I don't think we would have survived.

However, everyone is different, everyone has different dealbreakers, and this might not be a dealbreaker for you?

timeshel
I assume you are referring to anotheryear and not me.