"Talking about your depression will make it a bigger issue than it is"

[poolnoodle]

AIBU to be coming to the end of my tether in trying to get DH to support me with my mental health issues?

I have treatment-resistant chronic depression and anxiety. In the last few weeks I've been pretty low, but able to function well enough for work and the children. DH helps with practical things but absolutely won't or can't talk about how I'm feeling.

Then last night he came up with the corking statement in the title of this thread. I have a few mates I can talk to and I've had a few rounds of therapy. But the refusal of the person I spend most time with to even ask how I am occasionally is making me feel really lonely.

I've tried linking him to resources like "a partners guide to depression" but he still wont discuss it. His comment last night makes me think that he doesn't get how serious it is at all :(

I think it can be very draining being around someone with depression.

Sadly this is true. I am a psychology graduate and even supporting people with depression as a mental health professional is difficult - it’s unreasonable to expect the same standard of support and patience from their untrained partner. Just like physical illnesses, how can your partner appropriately advise and support you without having the medical knowledge?

There’s no set cure for depression or set timeline for you to feel like yourself again. Therefore people who tend to be pragmatic may struggle to give you adequate emotional support.

Then there’s people who overdo the emotional support, if you confided in someone you don’t want them constantly bringing it up, especially if you’re in a good place and trying to move forward. Talking about it too much can be counter productive or make you feel stuck etc.

It is VERY hard to navigate being a partner of someone with depression - it’s all about balance, you can show your partner online articles but I think it would be more helpful for you to tell him how he can help you, because he seems to be struggling.

Not talking about insomnia (re the Effortless Sleep book) certainly helped my insomnia but not the case with depression. Talking helps distance yourself from feelings and aids objectivity. Maybe he struggles with the concept of just listening.

It's a very old school attitude that he has, but it's also a very Male view on mental health.
I think a lot of the time men wont lend their time to something they cant immediately fix.

I'm not saying its the right way at all. In fact being able to talk to my DH is sometimes all that gets me through the day.

Does he truly understand how lonely it is to feel the way you do? Even 10 minutes to discuss your situation with your partner a few times a week often gives the opportunity to provide some clarity on the actual situation and even discuss positives and plans forward, which I think is really beneficial.

I dont think you're U. I would be hurt and confused as to why my partner didnt want to talk with me if I felt it was something I needed from him.