To trust instincts on MIL’s DP

[Toadtoadstool]

Name change as outing.

I’ve a history of being sexually abused as a child by both family and friends of the family. Ever since I get a gut instinct when I know someone’s going to be inappropriate or going to breach boundaries and 99/100 I’m right.

I have a gut feeling about MiL‘s DP. He’s not outright inappropriate, he does leer and sends overly nice (creepy) messages on occasion which are ignored. I just have this horrible feeling and I don’t trust him.

Myself and DP have had a row as he feels it’s unfair for me to not allow his DM overnight access just because I don’t want her partner around and stated if I feel so strongly about it I’ll have to explain to his DM as he isn’t doing it.

He feels it’s unfair to deprive his mum for a gut feeling I can’t justify but I know without a doubt if I ever found out the slightest inappropriate thing happened I’d never forgive myself or him.

AIBU to not allow overnight access for this reason? I’ve no issue with MiL watching DD throughout the day or coming to ours to watch her, I just feel strongly about overnights being a bad idea.

Just adding I don’t have trust issues with all men, only ones who give off a certain vibe or subtle things I pick up on.

[Toadtoadstool]

@Lair7 I blocked his access to photos after that, found it disgustingly inappropriate but again everyone seems to right it off as clueless and clumsy.

[sheshootssheimplores]

I wouldn’t tell her the truth about your past. She will tell him and that will leave you vulnerable to subtle manipulation and even grooming from him.

Keep your cards close to your chest. You really don’t need a grand reason. My three year old and six year old have never over nighted with either grandparent. I’m not comfortable with it. That’s enough.

[Shoutymomma]

“It would end our relationship completely if he doesn’t trust me on this”. You need to keep talking because if this is on the cards and you have to share custody, you won’t have any say when dad is on duty. 😕

[Fatshedra]

how old is DD.
How often do you need to go on date nights. Surely you can have a date night after DD is in bed.
I would say to them that you are protective and don't like DD doing overnights. Of course if she is regularly at DM's then there will be questions but surely these nights can wait until she is much olderl. Say you want her to be babysat at home as she prefers her own bed. End of.
Seems a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Probably because I wouldn't have wanted to stay away from home as a small child and because there were no handy relatives when my DCs were small so we never had date nights or weekends away, and survived.
Just because one other family member arranges sleep overs for their child there is no reason why you should.

[Toadtoadstool]

I don’t actually plan on many date nights DD is 1 and I’m very attached haven’t done a night without her yet and it’s not going to be soon either. I won’t change my mind as she gets older it’s still a situation she won’t be placed in. If anything she’s more at risk when she’s a little older. My family will have her when I’m at work though and that’s part of the issue. His mum won’t be asked.

[Toadtoadstool]

@shoutymomma the end of that was if he didn’t trust me and something happened to DD. Highly doubt the courts would let him take her anywhere if something happened previously.