To trust instincts on MIL’s DP

[Toadtoadstool]

Name change as outing.

I’ve a history of being sexually abused as a child by both family and friends of the family. Ever since I get a gut instinct when I know someone’s going to be inappropriate or going to breach boundaries and 99/100 I’m right.

I have a gut feeling about MiL‘s DP. He’s not outright inappropriate, he does leer and sends overly nice (creepy) messages on occasion which are ignored. I just have this horrible feeling and I don’t trust him.

Myself and DP have had a row as he feels it’s unfair for me to not allow his DM overnight access just because I don’t want her partner around and stated if I feel so strongly about it I’ll have to explain to his DM as he isn’t doing it.

He feels it’s unfair to deprive his mum for a gut feeling I can’t justify but I know without a doubt if I ever found out the slightest inappropriate thing happened I’d never forgive myself or him.

AIBU to not allow overnight access for this reason? I’ve no issue with MiL watching DD throughout the day or coming to ours to watch her, I just feel strongly about overnights being a bad idea.

Just adding I don’t have trust issues with all men, only ones who give off a certain vibe or subtle things I pick up on.

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

I think you have to trust your instincts.

On a purely practical level as well, there is no point doing otherwise, you will not have a good time going out wondering what is going on at home.

What does your husband say when you have pointed out all the other times you have been right?

Also creepy messages and leering is enough of a reason in itself to me.

I actually think your husband is being unsupportive. Firstly to cause an issue out of it - like you say, as you have no proof it is harsh to come out and basically accuse him, his mum will be forced to take sides and it will cause a family rift. This is surely a situation where a white lie is appropriate.

And secondly he is being unsupportive as he isn't taking your concerns seriously. Even if he knew with 100pc certainty this guy was fine, he should be able to understand that given your past, there is a reason you have these feelings and at least be kind to you about it and try and find a way round it together rather than force you to sort it out in a confrontational way on your own. He is not being very kind about your issues from your past at the very least.

I agree with you, tell your MiL you don't allow overnights with any man given what happened to you, and your mum and sister understand and are happy to come round to your house on their own. That's a perfectly reasonable request and she can either say no or do it without any loss of face for anyone

[Toadtoadstool]

@GettingABitDesperateNow he seems to agree completely with trusting my gut but still feels it’s unfair on his mum. But when I told him she could come stay here with DD on her own he called it stupid and impractical. It’s really the only way I’d be comfortable with her keeping her.

In all honesty it’s likely to cause another argument in the future when I stick to my guns about it, but MIL’s DP definitely has no criminal convictions for anything so a gut feeling wouldn’t go down too well if explained improperly.

[GlitchStitch]

YANBU. I wouldn't allow my kids to stay overnight with an unrelated adult male who gave me the creeps just to avoid awkwardness. That would be bonkers.

[ENormaSnob]

The fire emoji on pics of kids?? That's weird.

[mbosnz]

Well, terribly sorry DH, but statistically, child predators are more likely to be male. And statistically, they are also likely to be people known to the child - usually family friends or extended family. And often, those monsters within, are able to abuse with impunity because no-one likes to think the unthinkable, or to give possible offense.

I'd rather offend than look back in sadness and anger knowing that I'd felt something was off, didn't act on it, and it turns out I was right. And quite frankly, if that happened in your position, it would spell the end of my marriage.

[Toadtoadstool]

He seems to hold a childish air about him and this gives me the feeling of the lack of fear for consequences too. Like it’s lots of little things but I really am certain about it.

It would end our relationship completely if he doesn’t trust me on this or pushes it behind my back and something happens. The relationship would be over and I’d fight to the death at courts for him to have zero contact unsupervised. Told him as much.

[ThreeLittleDots]

I think you're very wise and have way more reason to be wary than me.

I won't put DD in MIL's DP's presence unsupervised due to a combination of gut feeling, tit-staring (at mine) and lots of nude artwork in their home!

[BillHadersNewWife]

Will you not let your child go there for an afternoon unaccompanied either? I wouldn't.

[Toadtoadstool]

She won’t be there unaccompanied at all, I said to DP his DM can come here or she can take her out for the day, specified that her DP hasn’t to be included though.

To be honest I don’t trust his DM not to just allow her partner to be there and tell me he wasn’t even if I gave her my reasons for it so it’s a no go.

[PinkiOcelot]

I don’t understand why there even has to be overnight stay outs. Just why?!! I would be telling your DP, not a hope in hell. It’s not mandatory.

[Aunty5ocial]

If your DH knows you were sexually abused as a child, he is being an ass.

[Overthinker1988]

I'm another one in the trust our instincts camp...I wasn't full on abused in childhood but I had a lot of inappropriate behaviour and comments from older men including some that were family so I totally get what you mean about having a sixth sense.
Whether this man is a pervert or not is besides the point. If you feel uncomfortable with a situation you have the right to set boundaries and say no. You don't owe anyone a reason or explanation. Especially when it comes to your children. You're the mother.

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

I wouldn’t send my DD to sleep in a house with a man I barely knew and didn’t trust. So “gut instinct” has nothing to do with it, to me, I just wouldn’t.

[Idontwanttotalk]

I think that if you have that feeling then you should trust it. It is your job to protect your DC.

I would normally always opt to be honest but I don't think I would tell your MIL why you don't want her to have the children overnight. That would just hurt her unnecessarily.

Equally, I wouldn't allow my child to stay overnight. I possibly might tell MIL about the sexual abuse as a reason why she will not be looking after DC overnight. I would ask her to understand my need to be, what she may feel is over-potective, but invite her round more often.

[AthollPlace]

The first time I met MIL’s bf he talked to me about his penis. MIL will NEVER have overnight access to my DC, or even unsupervised access. I don’t find that unreasonable. Your DH needs to put the safety of his own DC before his mother’s feelings.

[Toadtoadstool]

I mean I’m not going to rule out overnights all together as it would be lovely to have a date night that ended just us together once in a blue moon. These will just be with people I trust.

Atholl I totally couldn’t blame you in the slightest for not wanting him around your DD. Some people just bring out the ugly and sleazy in society.

[Vampyress]

As a survivor of sexual abuse from my step father I 100% back the sixth sense instinct about men with predatory natures, that sick clenching feeling in your stomach and a few drinks later they are trying to make their move, it makes my skin crawl thinking about how that gut feeling manifests. Ofc he could be harmless or overly familiar but you have every right and responsibility to ensure your child is only around people you can trust implicitly.

[Sushiroller]

Yanbu at all. I think your DH is being quite unsupportive.
How would he feel if (god forbid) spmething did happen?

If you must address it I don't think you need to discuss your past at all. but if he is adamant you must have the chat I'd just straight up say you are happy for overnights but they would need to be one to one as this is what you and DP are comfortable with. Don't get into discussion, just say we are comfortable with you staying here while we are away (or whatever) if that doesn't work then we can make other arrangements and leave it until DC is a bit older.

[NearlyGranny]

Your DH is making all that drama and Mil hasn't even asked for an overnight stay yet? That's freaky. He wants you too tell her your concerns and put the ban in place upfront?

Nah, he's deliberately trying to set you against each other. Why would he do that?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Firstly I think it's completely not on for your DH to put the ball uncomfortably back in your court by saying that you should tell his DM your history. Sounds a bit like he's trying to back you into a corner. Personally this would be a no from me given what you've said about her. Guaranteed the response would be 'you're overreacting/hysterical/not reasonable because of what happened to you' - and be careful, if she's not a particularly lovely person there is a big potential there for her to say something hurtful or belittling about your experiences which would be hard to forgive. Ask your DH if he's prepared to run the risk of his DM saying something that can't be unsaid, and you falling out with her?

Secondly, it isn't 'because' of what happened to you that you feel this way - it's because of how this person acts and the vibe he gives off. Mentioning your past muddies the waters on that and gives your MIL the perfect excuse to dismiss your concerns.

I do think you should be honest with her to a point, but in a different way. I would say that you are very sorry that there's no nicer way to say this but that he's made you feel uncomfortable on several occasions with comments and looks, you don't know him that well and neither does your DH even though they've been together so long - and that is your red line where overnights are concerned, and that you would feel exactly the same with the newish or unknown partner of your own parent or sibling, and the same way with anyone who leered at you.

Then wait for the explosion I guess.

Oh and your DH is wrong. Trust your instincts. I have on several occasions, once with someone I would class as a friend. No idea whether justified, but no way on earth would I ignore spidey senses when it came to my children.

[Motoko]

Why would your partner want to set the cat among the pigeons? It would basically be you telling MIL that you think her partner of 10 years, is a creep, and you don't trust him.

That's going to go down well. Not. She's not going to turn around and say "Oh ok, it's fine that you think my partner's a creep. I totally understand why you don't want your child to stay."
Why can't he see that? Is he dense?

[monkeymonkey2010]

Essentially, it comes down to him not being capable of standing up top his loud, bullying mother.
What she wants - she gets.....even if the GC doesn't enjoy the overnights.
Don't just automatically discount a child's feelings assuming it's because of a lack of playstations etc.
If there IS something going on then he's hardly going to come straight out and say it is he?

Has your DP thought about getting some therapy to sort out his issues about his mother?

[mindutopia]

Absolutely trust your gut. I had a similar feeling about my MIL’s partner. Not in a sexually creepy way necessarily, but just there was something not right about him. He hugged me in an uncomfortable way and I didn’t like how he spoke to MIL. Several times we walked in to him screaming at her and being awful (he didn’t know we’d overheard) and then two seconds later, he’d be sickeningly sweet.

We found out 10 years in that he had a history of sexually abusing a child in his previous wife’s family. A serious offence, went to prison for it.

Thankfully, he never had unsupervised contact with our dc (dc2 wasn’t born yet and dc1 was 3 so too little for overnights anyway). But obviously he would have when they got older if we’d never found out. He has never seen them again. They are not allowed at MIL’s house. We went NC with her for several years as well. MIL is only allowed supervised visits and in our house. If she wants an overnight, she does it here with us present. Our kids, our rules. I am much more comfortable hurting someone’s feelings than the alternative. Just say you aren’t comfortable with it, she can come do overnights with you or ask her to stay at your house (without her partner) while you have a night away.

[Toadtoadstool]

Oh her other GC is 13 and very spoilt and cries at everything like being served different chips than the chips he wanted. We would find out if there was more to it 100%.

I think he’s still pretty scared of her and would rather I explained it for this reason. God knows but I was just thinking of when it came up telling her it’s all about DD being comfortable at home and how I don’t want to worry more about strange environments.

I will say that MIL has respected my no kissing rule from birth and still makes sure it was stuck to when she is around.

[LaIr7]

Fire emojis on photos. You do realise these mean ‘hot’ so I would take that as extremely inappropriate