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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should my boyfriend contribute to my bills?

121 replies

ILikePaperHats · 21/10/2019 19:50

Hi, just need some advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My boyfriend doesn't live with me but often comes to mine 1-2 days in the week and stays at mine most of the weekend too. He lives in a shared house with one other house mate and only pays about £300 a month plus bills. I am divorced with 2 kids (their dad has them 2 nights every week and pays minimal maintenance) and am self employed so my income fluctuates but usually only about 16k a year. My boyfriend earns twice as much as me and has no dependants. He buys food quite often although I regularly give him half the money, and he makes use of my shower (I'm on a water meter), gas and electricity. I am hardly ever invited to his house as he says there's nothing to do(!) there, and it's true that my house is nicer, more homely, near nice bars and restaurants etc. I have no inclination to ask him to move in as I like my independent life and don't want to rely financially on a man but AIBU to expect him to contribute a bit to bills? When he's at mine using my utilities he's not having to pay for his own. He bought me a hot tub last summer which was very generous of him but it's cost me a fortune to run and I'm currently £250 in debt on my gas and electric bill and with winter coming up I'm quite worried. Often he will turn up at mine and if the heating isn't on he will turn on my electric fire without asking. I have asked him to give me £100 towards my electric bill as he had lots of use of the hot tub this summer but he's making out I'm being really mean to ask and that he shouldn't have to pay that much as he doesn't think it's all because of the hot tub. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Countrybumpkins · 21/10/2019 21:04

Another woman willing to put up with a cocklodger.
What exactly does he bring to the table?
And it’s not generous to buy you a gift that then puts you in debt.

Smelborp · 21/10/2019 21:04

So what would happen if you told him you were selling the hot tub? Would he expect to have half the money? Or all of it?

He’s not being fair at all OP. Whilst I don’t think he should contribute to bills, he’s bought you a present which he might actually consider his but left you to pay for it. He’s costing you a lot of money and doesn’t take you out.

What do you see in him?

ymf117 · 21/10/2019 21:06

Drop the hint that you can't keep the hot tub as it's a fortune to keep running and see what he says. With such a big disposable income he should want to contribute some towards it.

TheMustressMhor · 21/10/2019 21:06

@ILikePaperHats

Have a read through this thread. You'll find it very interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3723467-Is-he-a-cocklodger?pg=6

timshelthechoice · 21/10/2019 21:06

And it’s not generous to buy you a gift that then puts you in debt.

And that he also considers half his! Not a gift.

GabsAlot · 21/10/2019 21:07

Its your house turn the heating off-he didnt really buy the hot tub for you its his and somewhere he can run it for free

Tight bastard he should at least offer

Shiloh221 · 21/10/2019 21:10

My best friend is a single mother and struggles and her bf stays 3-4 nights a week and gives her £250 a month. So yes he does need to pay his way if not then he can stay once every 2 weeks n don't eat or shower that's it

INeedAFlerken · 21/10/2019 21:11

He sounds selfish. Happy to sleep at yours (where he gets sex and food) and turn up your heating and use your hot water ... knowing you're struggling as a single parent ... and whinges when you point it out? And you pay half of your going out costs and he never treats you or hosts you at his place?

I'd get rid.

diddl · 21/10/2019 21:13

If the hot tub is half his, isn't half the cost of running it also his?

If he can't see that-get rid.

maras2 · 21/10/2019 21:18

Bet he's crap in bed.

Stephminx · 21/10/2019 21:18

I actually think you can buy something as a joint present to share. That’s not an issue in and of itself.

The issue is he’s done it without talking to you about practical matters such as where it’s kept, who cleans it, who pays to run it etc...

They could be because he just hasn’t thought it through, or it could be inherently selfish.

If you don’t speak to him you won’t know.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2019 21:19

Tell him to take the hot tub away as you can't afford to run it.

I think you're earning gap is too wide to have it not be an issue.

You seem to be in semi poverty and he's doing quite well for himself. Even without him staying over and adding to your water usage
.you're not in a good place financially and it will just cause resentment.

I also think he bought the hottie because he wanted it...not a genuine present for you.

GaraMedouar · 21/10/2019 21:21

He’s at yours over 50% of the week, every week. He’s using you. When I read he’d got a hot tub I wondered if you were saddled with my exP cocklodger . He wanted me to get one for my house but I refused!

cansu · 21/10/2019 21:24

Tell him that you can no longer afford the hot tub and it needs to go to his house. If he has no space then it needs to be sold. As far as the bills are concerned, I think him paying would be a bit extreme but I would suggest that you go out more to his. Alternatively, tell him that you need to save money and that you won't be having heating on as much as he would probably like. He can then either choose to help by giving you some money towards the heating or he can choose to host at his or go out. He doesn't sound very generous tbh.

Interestedwoman · 21/10/2019 21:24

If, as you say, he thinks the hot tub half his, then he should pay the £100.

As to the other stuff, if he's earning so much more than you and knows you're in a little bit of debt, I think he should help you out towards the debt, at least a bit.

1Morewineplease · 21/10/2019 21:25

What exactly is you relationship,? Are you boyfriend/girlfriend or partners. You need to tell him that you can’t afford the hot tub.
If you’re just dating then he owes you nothing other than money towards hot tub. If you’re in a partnership then he might need to step up with bills.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2019 21:26

He occasionally takes us out using his car, he will sometimes moan about how much it all costs and gets me to pay about 50% of overall costs

Is this 50% of the cost of the outing? Or are you paying half the fuel cost as well?

It does seem like he sees you as desperate for a BF... being a single mum.

Knock it on the head. It seems like a pointless relationship.

MutedUser · 21/10/2019 21:27

This is a tricky one. My kids have their friends over for sleepovers every weekend and they are here most weeknights too. So eating , showering , flushing toilets never would I ask them to pay up or their parents . So no I wouldn’t ask him for money I guess.

northernruth · 21/10/2019 21:28

He should at least buy food and take you out in the car without you contributing.

I'd be shoving that hot tub up his arse to be honest.

timshelthechoice · 21/10/2019 21:32

You could show him comparative bills from when you didn't have his fucking hot tub (which, btw, a quick Google shows that even well constructed ones add about £30-£40/month to your bill but can be as much as £100-£120/month), and also electric fires costs a bomb to run, too, but you've already tried, he's balked, he is tight and it will much cheaper to bin him before you have him there 4x/week running up your gas bill this Winter, too.

Bet you London to a brick you never asked for a hot tub or even suggested one as a joint present. That's because it was never for you, but for him with you to pay for it.

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2019 21:33

I don’t think you can ask him to pay towards the bills as he doesn’t live there but you can ask him not to put the fire on and ask him to shower at his own house (though I don’t think having a shower costs a fortune tbh). I don’t think he’s a cocklodger, he wants to spend time with you and to do that he needs to use your water and electric? He could offer to help out a bit more by buying food, paying for nights out etc.. but I don’t think he should be paying bills.

MutedUser · 21/10/2019 21:35

Plus when he starts contributing to bills it makes him staying over a problem for your benefits. Especially if he is stating half the week. You would be in murky waters.

MutedUser · 21/10/2019 21:37

*staying

I’m just assuming with your income and two kids you are on benefits apologies if not.

areyoubeingserviced · 21/10/2019 21:38

He’s a stingy ass.
Sell the hot tub and limit his visits
Whatever you do, don’t marry him

longtimelurkerhelen · 21/10/2019 21:39

Sell the sex pond, pay your bills with proceeds, bin off sponger. Tell him you can no longer afford him.

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