Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for my photo back?

31 replies

cookiefudgemum · 21/10/2019 18:50

I am a first time poster but follow the great advice and wisdom of Mumsnet on many topics! I ask you to ponder my problem and share your thoughts. I know the form is not to drip feed so sorry it is long but here goes:

Divorced and separated three years ago. Thought it was amicable-ish, but this seems to have dissolved over the years. Key points are: son just graduated from uni this year, XH couldn’t decide if he was going to go to graduation Confused. He has visited DS once in the three years he has been at uni. XH has a new partner who doesn’t like him being away from home Hmm. He lives the same distance as I do away from DS and I can visit there and back in a day.

Cut to graduation and XH decides to go. He doesn’t know any of DS’s friends as he has made no effort in the last 3 years. XH gave me an ultimatum about seeing DS on his graduation day as “you get to see him more and he lives with you, so I should see him more on his graduation day”. Angry (I should point out that DS comes home here as he feels comfortable and has a bedroom, XH bought house with new partner with bedrooms for her children but not DS.) I sent a suitable response back to XH! DS had the most wonderful day with his friends, and I was with his friends parents. XH stood to one side not joining in - which made it awkward for DS in places. Thankfully he did not spoil the day and went as soon as ceremony was over.

I paid for the typical graduation photo for DS, one big photo and two little ones. Asked DS if he would like to give one to his dad (I felt sorry…again…for him). DS though this would be nice, asked his dad who said yes, however DS was not at home when they arrived so I sent photo. No response from XH so sent him a text asking if he had received it. His response back was “…I do not want to be continually bothered by you…stop intruding…” no thank you or acknowledgement it had been received.

I want to make this clear – all I asked was if he received the photo. I should also point out this text was the second communication I had sent him in the last 22 months, the other one being about the graduation). I responded back asking him if he meant to be so rude (I’ve always wanted to use that phrase, so thanks Mumsnet!) and said I thought it was a nice gesture, but if he didn’t want the photo to send it back. His response was to tell me to F* OFF and that he has now blocked me on everything!

I know this seems petty but I am sad about all this and also really, really cross. AIBU to send him a stamped addressed envelope and ask for the photo back, and to keep bothering him until he either says thank you or sends it back?

OP posts:
HaveeeeYouMetTed · 21/10/2019 18:55

I understand why you're upset & annoyed but honestly I'd just leave it now. to keep pestering him for a grateful response, you'll only keep working yourself up because you clearly aren't going to get a thank you.
Your son isn't a young child anymore so there is no need for you to ever really need to contact your XH again.

treeofwhispers · 21/10/2019 18:55

I would not bother. Really not worth the brain space to carry on the argument. Do not contact him at all and move on. If your DS is at uni he is old enough to manage the relationship with his father himself. Only get involved and offer your support if your son is struggling with him.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 21/10/2019 18:55

Well, yes. There's a lot in your post which is really quite sad for your son. But your son wants him to have a photo. Don't meddle as it isn't about you or your feelings.

Majorcollywobble · 21/10/2019 18:58

Leave it be and know that you have claimed the moral high ground by doing what’s best for your son .

Elodie2019 · 21/10/2019 19:02

Let it be now and keep away from this man. Don't send a letter. You've got your own copy of the photo and he's an ungrateful pig.

summersherewishiwasnt · 21/10/2019 19:02

Don’t bother communicating. Instead be so pleased he is an ex. He sounds like a fun sucker.

FionaOgre · 21/10/2019 19:19

If I were your son I would just take it back for you when visiting. Then not bother going back. What a nasty piece of work his father is.

Strangerthingshere · 21/10/2019 19:22

Just leave it, I understand your frustration but forget about it, you have a photo, and never ever do anything or feel bad for him again at any events in the future

NoHummus · 21/10/2019 19:25

You need to let this go. Let him have the photo, it's not worth making a fuss over.

KurriKurri · 21/10/2019 19:30

Just leave it - I know it is irritating and unfair to be accused of something you haven't done and to put up with ingratitude - I;ve been there with my X, my children are grown up so my contact with him is very occasional, but any contact that is necessary he says something stupid or rude.

I just try to rise above and avoid him as much as possible. Tell yourself what I do - 'If he was a nice guy, we'd still be married, but he's an arsehole, thats why we're divorced.'

Be happy that he's infliciting his arsehole personality on some other woman, and you are rid of him.

Waveysnail · 21/10/2019 19:36

Block him and leave him to it. He doesnt want ds - he has built a shiny new life that doesnr involve dsHalloween Angry

Babybel90 · 21/10/2019 19:59

I’d leave it, he’s obviously looking for a reaction. At least you’ll know in future not to bother doing anything nice for him at all, no photos from future weddings or of future grandchildren.

letsdolunch321 · 21/10/2019 20:04

Delete XH number, have nothing at all to do with XH.

Your ds is old enough to communicate with his twat of a father should he need to.

Original poster
cookiefudgemum · 21/10/2019 20:06

I know, I know, you are all right, thank you so much...but it is so difficult this moral high ground!

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 21/10/2019 20:55

Cookie Grin
Yes! Take the moral high ground! Sit on your hands if you have to! Grin

CupoTeap · 21/10/2019 21:20

What a total knobber he is.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 21/10/2019 21:27

Hope the photo gave him an almighty papercut. Fucker.

Mumofboth · 21/10/2019 21:31

What a knob!!!! I don’t blame you for being angry. You can take the moral high ground because you have a great relationship with your son and he can see what a waste of space his dad is.

LtJudyHopps · 21/10/2019 21:51

Send him an envelope full of glitter for your own satisfaction. And then block and don’t let him have any more head space!

olympicsrock · 21/10/2019 22:11

My parents had an acrimonious divorce and my father took my graduation picture from the family home. My mother was so sad and I was angry. Count yourself lucky and let it go.

SunshineCake · 21/10/2019 22:20

Moral high ground, against someone without morals. Pointless.

You have your son, you have a photo, stop bothering about this dick.

Drama when none is needed. Neither is Hmm towards his partner wanting him there.

VisibleShantiLine · 21/10/2019 23:47

Envelope of glitter as a PP suggested.... OR you could go one better with one of these beauties.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=xoxhDk-hwuo

VisibleShantiLine · 21/10/2019 23:59

But seriously. The guy sounds like a cockhead.

My parents both behaved like children at my own uni graduation. I remember standing there afterwards with one on either side of me asking me to ask the other stupid questions. Eg. “Ask your mother if she had planned to take you out for a meal after this.” “Tell your father he can take you if he wants.” Totally pathetic.

Made even more pathetic by the fact they had been separated for more than 10 years by that stage. And even more pathetic by the fact they knew I was under immense stress because my partner had just started treatment for cancer. As a result I’m teary-eyed in my own graduation photos.

Needless to say, neither one of them took the higher ground in that situation. Any time I worry about how childish or flaky my own husband is I remember how important it is to maintain my integrity so my son knows he has at least one solid parent. That I can control.

Your ex is an idiot but be the bigger person, OP. And breathe a sigh of relief you no longer have to live with the guy and his punishment is he does.

ThreeLittleDots · 22/10/2019 00:17

Leave it. His girlfriend probably doesn't like the texts, but you could have got DS to arrange and post the picture. Didn't really need a follow-up text from you either, did it?

Cleverplayonwords · 22/10/2019 00:41

Just stay out of it. Your son is presumably an adult, maybe ex contacted ds to let him know he got it?
You don't need to be in contact with your ex.
It's sad for your ds of course but as a child of a 'broken home' I hated it when my Dm contacted my dad.