To ask if you’re depressed if you’ve not got mummy friends

[Hoghedge1]

I have no mummy friends :(
I have DD2 at home and my 9 year old at school during the day and it’s so lonely.
Things were different with my eldest, I had a good group of mummy friends when she was little but I just don’t have that this time round, and it’s so depressing.
AIBU to ask if all is mummy’s without our group are all depressed?
I miss taking to people I miss the support, I miss the play dates.
I go to lots of groups with DD and instigated play dates and have had some mummy friends before but everything seems to fizzle out.
It’s very hard to keep positive and find things to do when it’s just the two of you all the time.
Anyone else feel the same?

Yes I used to feel so alone at times when they were small and not with other adults. Mine are older now and when alone now I feel less lonely than I did then.

It seems more difficult at times with the second maybe as busier- maybe could join a new play group perhaps? Maybe it will be easier when they are both at school.

I don’t have any friends at all and yes it’s depressing and lonely! I haven’t been to any groups though as I’m way too shy

@Orangeblossom78 thank you for your reply, Honestly it’s taken every ounce of my own perseverance just to go to the one that I currently do. I suffer from bad anxiety and I’ve pushed myself to go to the ones that I do and go out of my comfort zone just to get nowhere with meeting new mums and making friends.
I could try a new one, I just don’t know if it might make things worse
@PumpkinP it’s horrible isn’t it? The isolation hits me every day in the pit of my stomach

I used to feel so lobely for exactly that reason. I did have groups of mum friends at various times but not always and especially not when DC were in junior school. They too had few friends and I foudn it so painful hanging out in the park with them playing alone and me standing alone while everyone else was grouped and chatting away. But now I donl;t give a damn. I have made real friends with people I have stuff in common with not just children the same age. And DC have great friendship groups now they are teens. It has all worked out. There are just phases in our lives when we are lonely, I think. For some reason we just don;t connect with the people around us who we;d like to connect with.

Keep suggesting play dates and inviting other mums for coffee or join a mums' bootcamp or book club or similar. Maybe something will come from one of your efforts. It's not easy. I feel for you.

lonely not lobely. Sorry, terrible typing!

Where are all the friends you made thru your eldest? Or do you mean they aren't friends really but just people with same age kids you got on well with? So they not really friends just people at toddler groups? Try different grouos

@milliefiori thank you, I know why you mean about parks. My eldest always ask to go after school and there’s only so many excuses I can make, or if I do give in like you say I’m just there on my own, with all the other mums grouped together chatting. That’s when it really hits.
I chat to All the other mums at groups, they’re all very friendly but anyone who I’ve invited over, they soon start to distance somehow.
I’m starting to think it’s me.
It’s very, very lonely I’ve never felt like this before

I’m the same Op I’m currently on maternity & it’s so lonely! I don’t have many friends period! I usually spend the morning at home then walk with baby for a couple of hours in the afternoon so when I get home DH is home soon. I literally walk for 2-3 hours per day x

@Embracelife Yeah, basically. They were just “mummy friends” basically sanity savers to meet up with every now and again for a play date and a coffee, and that just kind of fizzled out which I wasn’t bothered about but since having my youngest it’s really hit me.
I think your right, I’ll have to try different groups

@ChangeAndThenChange nothing can prepare you for it can it?
I’d like to just think I don’t need others to enjoy mother hood but I’d just be kidding myself. I like having other people around, I enjoy friendships not just for myself but my DC as well
I sometimes go to the supermarket In the hope some nice old lady will stop and chat to me

Nothing could. I thought I would struggle with PND but luckily I haven’t but I still feel lonely & do the same things day in day out.

I’m not one for groups either I do have friends but none have kids so I worry my DC isn’t socialising with other kids he literally doesn’t see any other kids, I feel bad for him. Aww Op sometimes when people talk to me when im walking I become a motor mouth & everything comes out about my day ha! I practically wait at the Backdoor for DH so I can just talk to him

Yes. We moved 2 hours away And I’m now SAH but to be honest it’s not made a difference to how isolated I am. I was isolated before.

I don't want to appear insensitive as I realise anxiety can make this very difficult, but can I ask why its especially important to find mum friends? I've always suspected that the friends one makes through school are likely to be mainly expedient. Sure, one or two have the potential to become long-term friends, but surely if you're looking for them to provide a ready-made social life you're always going to be disappointed? Most of them will not have the time or headspace and will fall along the wayside.

I don't know what your circumstances are but would it not be better to make friends with whom you have something in common other than your children? Then the bond is likely to have more chance to thrive. Again it may be easy for me to say this but would you be able to find a couple of hours to pick up a hobby or something?

I think pinning too much dependency on mum friends is unwise. You are people thrown together through your children, most people don't have the time to spend on investing in new friendships at this period of their life and a lot of them just won't have the bandwidth. Don't be too hard on yourself, but I think it would be worth trying to broaden your circle outside this very self-limiting group.

but can I ask why its especially important to find mum friends?

I know you weren’t asking me but I had friends but when I became pregnant we drifted apart as they were all going out to dinner and clubbing, they never invited me anywhere as they knew I couldn’t get childcare and they didn’t have children so didn’t want to come to the park or soft play or anything child related for that matter! So the friendships drifted apart. It’s probably easier to find friends that are mums when you are a mum to small children with little free time

@thepeopleversuswork because that is my life right now, being a mum.
I have other friends, but it’s different we go out and socialise and hang out with the kids.
During the week, my days with just my DD are lonely.
I need other mum friends in the same situation as me, stay at home mums who can pop over whenever or can meet at the park, soft play or a play date.
I could find other friends through a hobby and have more in common with but the chances are I’d just see them at the weekend or evening and that’s not what I’m looking for

Without the kids that should say

I'm a SAHM with my 3rd and I feel the same way. We keep busy but every day is a bit like groundhog day. I realised recently that since my BFF and another friend have returned to work full time, the only messages I get are from my DH. I'm bored of my own company but hate going to soft play etc and being surrounded by pairs or groups of mums. And I would usually describe myself as outgoing

There's so much more out there though than playgroups. I went a few times with each child and stopped. Hated them. Ok, I understand we are parents, but I don't want to hear about them constantly, and I certainly don't want to hear about them whilst their delight is the toddler thug.
Went down the playdates a few times as well. Same things nothing but children talk.

Then I started focusing more on me. I know selfish mum. And looked at what I enjoyed that were either child-friendly or could do when the partner at home.
I got into a regular routine and would say have a coffee in a certain place. Gym at certain times and dates. The only groups I am in are FB music ones and occasionally go to events.
Having things in common that involves more than children is the aim and the more interests you share the longer they will remain. Some will be parents, others won't. And don't exclude the daddies.

@Oneborn yeah same, we’re always busy with our different groups but it’s always the same boring routine, just the two of us.
If I do go to a park or softplay I also get fed up of seeing the other groups of mums.
It can even be like that at toddler groups very clicky!
I have all these ideas of things we could do for the day or a few hours but one my own it feels like a slog and I know that makes me sound a bit selfish but it does feel that way

Also by expanding your places to meet people, you get to meet different people and realise that not everyone works office hours. And who also detest playgroups. I have childless mates and because of their working patterns, we can pop over to each other during the day.
Then there's those who would love to go to the groups but cannot because of the opening times.

@ffs maybe you’re right Maybe that’s the key!
I’m just not sure what to look for now that I’ve been in the toddler group thing too long.
Maybe start with some fitness classes or something?
I’ll have a look what’s around

I go out of my way to avoid 'mummy friends', the only thing we have in common is that we had sex and conceived around the same time. I've been for the odd coffee after groups and can't wait to leave. It's not because I'm an introvert or socially awkward, I'm not, I'm an extrovert and very happy in company. I just don't want to endlessly talk about babies, and that's all we have in common. So I socialise with my actual friends, who I like for a multitude of reasons that don't involve the synchronised healing of perineal stitches.

Oh and I went back to work. I love my son but there's more to me than motherhood.

I don't have any mummy friends either. Where I live most people are in cliques the rest avoid me like the plague since DH died. It can be lonely at times but I'm getting used to it. I don't have great confidence in myself to go out and introduce myself. I feel very awkward around people I don't know

And this is why / how childless / childfree women end up feeling really socially excluded, because they go from being a BFF assured that "things won't change" to someone who "couldn't possibly understand" seemingly overnight

I know that you might think you want Mum friends who "relate" but you might find that having friends who value you for you and not just your procreation status are just as important to your mental wellbeing