To ask if you’re depressed if you’ve not got mummy friends

[Hoghedge1]

I have no mummy friends :(
I have DD2 at home and my 9 year old at school during the day and it’s so lonely.
Things were different with my eldest, I had a good group of mummy friends when she was little but I just don’t have that this time round, and it’s so depressing.
AIBU to ask if all is mummy’s without our group are all depressed?
I miss taking to people I miss the support, I miss the play dates.
I go to lots of groups with DD and instigated play dates and have had some mummy friends before but everything seems to fizzle out.
It’s very hard to keep positive and find things to do when it’s just the two of you all the time.
Anyone else feel the same?

What @Lionel said, minus the perineal stitches, pretty much. I honestly find ‘situational friendships’ unsatisfying and depressing. My friendships are important to me. I didn’t just want to be around people I wasn’t genuinely drawn to, purely because something threw us together.

Yy, @100PercentThatBitch. I didn’t turn into a different person as soon as I delivered the placenta. I didn’t require a whole new set of friends. There were people I saw at NCT coffee mornings and a new mothers’ support group who briefly felt like fellow-soldiers in the early days, but it didn’t last.

It's not that you have been in the groups too long, but that you have forgotten you are more than a mum.
As mums especially it's hard for us to consider ourselves and do the things we did before children. We are supposed to give up our interests/hobbies and focus on our children and even partners. Yet few dads make little if any changes and carry on as before. It's often ingrained in us from an early age.

It doesn't have to be a fitness class. It can be anything and doesn't have to be one thing or even cost anything. It was more about having at least one day a week doing something regular not just for the child. Even sitting in a coffee shop once a week you see the same people and a conversation will start. Sometimes it will turn into a one-off conversation, but it's something. Other times it will turn into a regular coffee shop meeting, and possibly a friendship away from there will develop. Even if they are childfree, you have both something in common - free at that time of day and enjoy tea/coffee.

What were your friendships like as a child? Did you have a small friendship group or a large one?

As a child, I had very few friends for a number of reasons and found it hard as an adult to make friends. We never did things like playdates. As an adult being around children I watched how they made friends and learned from them. It's about the more you have in common with each other regardless of circumstances.

I was thinking the very same thing today! I’ve never felt so lonely in my life as I do right now. I’m currently on mat leave with DC3, he’s 11 weeks old

When DD1 (11) was born, some of my friends were having babies too..so we went to groups, had play dates, days out etc together. When DD2 (7) was born, the mums I had met taking DD1 to groups and clubs were there...

With having such a big gap between DD2 and DS, my “mummy friends” aren’t at the baby/toddler stage. They’re all back at work. This, along with us moving to a nearby town last year, has left me feeling quite isolated.

My original friends are now at a different stage, they hardly phone/text/invite me to things now! When I try to make plans, they cancel!

I have started chatting to mums at DDs new school, but it just feels stunted and awkward

I would say I’m usually confident, chatty and outgoing..but not at the moment for some reason.

If you go to volunteer run play groups, offer to volunteer. They may bite your hand off and it's a chance to meet new people.

From my experience (moved to a new area when kids were small) volunteering with something child friendly such as the PTA really helped me make new friends.

I also agree with pp who said look at fitness - where I live we have health walks that are buggy friendly so you could meet some new friends there.

Also, if you really do want the older women in the supermarket to chat to you, could you be a befriender for Age UK? All of these you could take your youngest along with you.

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook yeah I get that, maybe I am looking for the wrong friends. I just assumed that was what I was missing in my life.
I thought I needed friends for myself during the day whilst most people work who also have children so that my DD could have playmates.
But yeah some mummy’s are a bore talking about their organic baking and what their DCs poo looks like lately.
@peakygal I’m so sorry to hear-about your DH, I hope you’re alright and I hope you gain your confidence back soon.

@100PercentThatBitch I’d never thought of it that way, it must be a very isolating in some ways if you are childless and at an age where all your friends are starting families.
@ffswhatnext you’re completely right, I’ve know. For a while that my mummy life has taken over and I don’t really know any other life. I also feel as though I’ve completely lost confidence to find myself again, but I’ll have to do it other wise I’ll never be happy.
@AlunWynsKnee yes I think volunteering is the way forward, I have been looking into lately

We moved to a new town a couple of months before DS was born last year and it has been a difficult adjustment. I’m used to living in a bustling city, we moved to a small town with quite an aged population. I went to a few baby groups when I was on mat leave and still try to go to one every week now on my day off but nobody really speaks to me beyond generic small talk. I don’t really have any friends tbh. When I do the school run even the deputy heads standing on the gate ignore me . Starting to think there’s something wrong with my face!

My colleagues and students like me though and my DC think I’m alright too so that’s a bonus .

Where do you live?

Maybe those of you that live close to each other can arrange a coffee/tea date 😊

Yes, I feel very lonely sometimes as even though I go to baby groups etc I dont have mum friends as such.

I did have mummy friends and now have retained just the one. I found them mostly competitive and stealth braggers. My DD was prem and I was very open about being anxious about milestones and the fact she was small and would frequently get texts like ‘OMG X IS NOW 18lb! He is such a good feeder! Has DD gained anything or is she still 14lb lol. Bless her. Poor little thing must be starving!’

I used to get really upset but in the end just removed them and am much happier.

Friends are friends. I found by trying to befriend people just because they spawned didn’t make me happy. I ended up with a lot of unlikeable people around me just because they had given birth.

Make friends. If they happen to have children - great.

I have a wonderful group of friends now and only 3 have children. All are kind and supportive.

Not all 'mummy friends' talk about organic baking and poo consistency! My children are 24, 21 and 16, and I have 'mummy friends' from all three who I have remained really close too, and see socially, so don't write them off!

Just because you do have children in common, doesn't mean that will be the only thing. All kinds of people have children and you're bound to find some you gel with if you give it time. Some of my closest friends I met through the dc.

OP, you mentio that you invite people for coffee and then they distance themselves. Do you think you come across as too intense? I think I did at times. Too serious either about mothering or about finding new friends. With young DC to care for, people want to keep things light.

Can you look out for someone else who is on their own at playgroup or soft play or in the park and introduce yourself. You might meet some loners who want to keep it that way, but there must be lots of women in your situation.

I always remember being ousted from a queen bee group and so making a massive effort not to try and get included as they sat together sipping champagne at a sports event. I plonked myself down beside a dad a vaguely knew and chatted to him for an hour. At the end, a small voice said, 'Well it was nice meeting you.' There was another woman on the far side of the dad who we;d comopletely ignored, unintentionally. I'd been so busy not showing queen bees that there stupid exclusions had any effect on people that I'd missed this lovely woman sitting alone.

I didn't do any baby and toddler groups when my two were small. I just couldn't face them. We were new to the area when I got pregnant with DD1 so I didn't have any friends at all. Luckily I had a lot of family support.

I took a year of ML with both and then they went to nursery. I didn't make any friends when DD1 was at nursery (all busy working mums) but DD2 made very good friends with a little group of girls when she went to nursery and I became very friendly with their mums. We are still close even though all the kids are at different schools.

Things mostly changed when DD1 went to school. I forged friendships with some of the mums through play dates etc. Obviously not everyone is my cup of tea and vice versa but I managed to find some lovely, like minded women, whom I wouldn't hesitate to call on in an emergency or otherwise.

There are fitness classes which tun a baby and toddler gym / softly at the same time, like a creche, maybe that would be good?

i know what you mean sometimes the mum groups etc can make you feel more lonely. And with the second you have done it all before. It can be hard if no family around as well.

I have no friends let alone mummy friends. Not having anyone to talk to has been terrible.for my mental health. My dog has helped me greatly though

@Whattodoabout I don’t know what it is with some school mums Ive always just spoken to anyone and have always been friendly but it seems other aren’t the same.
@Stuckinanutshell yeah some mums are awful, it seems they’ll take any opportunity to brag and act perfect
@WatcherintheRye no they don’t that’s why I said some
@milliefiori I don’t know,possibly.
I really couldn’t say but maybe I could try acting less desperate