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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a big fancy wedding

47 replies

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 12:09

OH and I got engaged a few months ago. I never wanted a big white wedding - it's just not me. I always imagined getting married on a beach somewhere - very minimal, however, we got swept up in it all and OH was so excited about a lovely big wedding in 2021, I thought if that's what he wants then I am fine with that. It all snowballed quite a bit (large families and if you invite this person you have to invite this person etc.) and was all looking extremely expensive - doable but would eat all our savings which makes me uncomfortable - and would mean we would then have to stop and save again before having kids.

However, over the last month or so he has come to realise that actually what he wants more than anything is for us to have a baby (I already have a DS from a previous relationship) and doesn't want to wait until 2021 for this. I wanted him to make sure this was what he wanted and told him to think about it for a few weeks. After all I only went along with the big wedding idea for him. He has come to the decision a family is what he wants.

We have always said we want to be married before we have children - I know not necessary, this is just how we feel. So having talked it out we decided that really the best thing to do would be to elope with our immediate family in the first half of next year. This way we are not spending all our savings on a wedding and can instead focus on what really matters to us... expanding our family.

So next step was for him to talk to his family about this. His parents are not happy.

They have said that they will support us in whatever we chose... but they really don't want an abroad wedding. So now we feel like we can have this as it will make them unhappy. I don't want to rob them of enjoying their son's wedding but should this be at the expense of our happiness?

I feel like the only choices it has left us with is (1) don't get married - the thought of which devastates me or (2) have this big expensive wedding (which I really don't want to do if its not what either of us want and will just eat all our savings which could be put towards a baby).

AIBU to just say - we're eloping and that's that - please come with.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 21/10/2019 12:11

Or 3 it's your wedding & you're paying for it. You do whatever you both want.

His parents don't get a say.

AnathemaPulsifer · 21/10/2019 12:12

There is another option - just have a little registry office wedding, a family dinner afterwards and you’re done. Don’t have a huge expensive wedding you don’t want just because it’s what someone else would prefer. They’ve said they’ll support you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/10/2019 12:13

Of course YANBU. But be prepared for them not to want to come. What's their issue with a wedding abroad? They've also said they will support you whatever you choose, so not sure what the issue is?

Or could you do a small registry office ceremony here first, then run off abroad and have the ceremony you want on a beach somewhere?

Wafflecopter · 21/10/2019 12:14

If it’s what you want to do then do it! I’m sure they’ll come around eventually, but if not bugger them.
You could maybe have a party for everyone to celebrate when you’re home? Nothing too extravagant just an evening do with music and some entertainment.

AskMeHow · 21/10/2019 12:14

Eloping doesn't mean going abroad Confused

If you're expecting all immediate family to go abroad for your wedding, you will need to pay for them to come. It's a lot to ask people to pay hundreds of pounds to attend a wedding plus outfits, drinks, gift.

There are lots of lovely places in the UK (with beaches, even!) that you can get married on.

MulticolourMophead · 21/10/2019 12:14

You can have a UK wedding without the major expense. You just have to be really firm on keeping your costs down.

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 12:21

@AskMeHow no she doesn't need to pay for them to travel Hmm

LucileDuplessis · 21/10/2019 12:24

Is it the abroad bit that bothers them? If so it's easy to have a small UK wedding. Or is it the small wedding that is the problem? If so they are being completely unreasonable and you should stick to your guns.

Original poster
whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 12:25

@AskMeHow yes we would be paying for them to come - it would mean a total of 8 people (other than the two of us) - which would still work out considerably less than what we have looked at here.

We did have a look at just a registry office wedding - but it just didn't feel authentic to us. But maybe we just have to lump it and do it that way and then go have our own little ceremony abroad like @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy suggests.

OP posts:
Wurfit · 21/10/2019 12:27

Register office late afternoon and a do after at a pub/bar with a buffet and some (not all) booze laid on. DJ for a couple of hundred. Flowers ditto (so just for you plus any BMs and buttonholes).

It doesn't have to cost megabucks - quite easily less than going abroad to do it.

secretdoubleagent · 21/10/2019 12:28

Me and my dh got married abroad for all the same reasons as you are saying. I can honestly say it was the best decision we made. Yes some people never came but that was the risk. Luckily all our family came .

You have to decide which you would regret more, the big wedding and putting your life on hold to please others or get married abroad run the risk of some big coming but getting to start your family.

Is there an option for an abroad wedding but a reception at home.?

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/10/2019 12:28

Why do you want to go abroad? I would be disappointed if one of my DC did this unless as a pp said everyone's expenses were covered . Even then there is potentially the issue of having to take time off work, possibly having to fly unnecessarily etc. I would support and of course attend but I can see your ils POV. There are so many low key options here that would be cheaper for you and more romantic that your family and close friends could attend ... have a research and see what you come up with.

Wurfit · 21/10/2019 12:28

What's inauthentic about a register office? It's about as authentic as you can get unless you're religious!

Mumdiva99 · 21/10/2019 12:30

Hmmm. If they are sad about missing the 'big wedding' (is it their one and only time to be parents of the groom? ) You could 'allow them' to throw a party for you on their return. Up to them if they do. They can pay for the party if they want it. Although if they pay they get to decide venue, guest list etc etc...

category12 · 21/10/2019 12:30

Or have a small wedding at home soon, that immediate family can attend, and have a nice honeymoon abroad?

It's a false dichotomy to say either we have a wedding abroad or we have a big white wedding.

I hate the idea having to go to someone else's idea of a holiday destination for their wedding, using up my annual leave and tons of money. If I go abroad, I want it to be somewhere I choose.

Have a small wedding at home. Get it done.

Witchinaditch · 21/10/2019 12:31

You are not in the slightest bit unreasonable. Good luck and enjoy your day wherever it is.

Stephminx · 21/10/2019 12:31

It’s your wedding so you should do what makes you both happy, but if you parents are important to you then I do think some consideration is needed.

Why are they against a wedding abroad - is it cost, long travel, time off work etc ? Can you compromise on anything to help address the issues eg compromise on a closer location that can be easily accessed for a few days via easyJet rather than long haul, can you contribute to their costs etc ? Is it worth also playing the grandchild card ie there’ll hopefully be a grandchild if we do t have to pay for a big wedding ... although I get if you’d want that kept private but it might get them more on board ?

Otherwise, have a small wedding at home maybe ?

If their objections are based on size ie all the massive extended family just must be there, then say if they want that then fine, they can pay for it. Otherwise, as it’s your cash you are prioritising other things.

They may also have had a knee-jerk reaction and might come round in time anyway.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/10/2019 12:31

My friend got married in a registry office. It was a beautiful old building and the stuff were lovely.

ibanez0815 · 21/10/2019 12:33

your wedding, your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

Just do what you like.

We eloped. No dress, no party, no family (we have big families). Just did what felt right for us.

I would absolutely not let the wider families' expectations dictate how I get married.

There is nothing to explain to the parents. Just to let them know.

Original poster
whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 12:34

@secretdoubleagent - absolutely an option for a celebration when we get home - we have already told them we would do this.

@yikesanotherbooboo we would cover their expenses. They are both retired so don't have to take time off of work and have no problem flying as they go on holiday every year- but only like going to America.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 12:37

they go on holiday every year- but only like going to America

Vegas wedding then. Grin

Seriously do what you want to do, but if you're "eloping" do it properly and don't expect to drag everyone out wherever with you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 21/10/2019 12:58

A wedding is just one day - the first day of your future together. But it is YOUR wedding, you are paying, your choice. No matter what you do you will never please everyone, so do what makes you (together) happy. For what it's worth, friends of ours had a lovely initimate humanist ceremony in their (small) garden & had a reception at a pub/restaurant about 15 miles away. The humanist was properly registered & dealt with all the legal bits. Lovely day, everyone happy.

LucileDuplessis · 21/10/2019 13:18

If it really bothers them to go abroad then I think you should try to find a compromise. I went to a humanist wedding recently on the banks of a Scottish loch - just beautiful, and I can't really understand why this would seem less authentic to you than getting married on a beach?

Wurfit · 21/10/2019 13:28

CoffeeBeans in England (and NI and Wales I believe) outside of churches and register offices you can only marry in places which are licensed to hold wedding ceremonies. Couples sometimes have a statutory wedding (just them and the two witnesses) at a register office and have a celebrant do a fancier ceremony elsewhere (eg in their garden).
Scotland though legal ceremonies can be held pretty much anywhere.

SpiderCharlotte · 21/10/2019 13:32

Why does it have to be abroad to be authentic?