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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want a big fancy wedding

47 replies

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 12:09

OH and I got engaged a few months ago. I never wanted a big white wedding - it's just not me. I always imagined getting married on a beach somewhere - very minimal, however, we got swept up in it all and OH was so excited about a lovely big wedding in 2021, I thought if that's what he wants then I am fine with that. It all snowballed quite a bit (large families and if you invite this person you have to invite this person etc.) and was all looking extremely expensive - doable but would eat all our savings which makes me uncomfortable - and would mean we would then have to stop and save again before having kids.

However, over the last month or so he has come to realise that actually what he wants more than anything is for us to have a baby (I already have a DS from a previous relationship) and doesn't want to wait until 2021 for this. I wanted him to make sure this was what he wanted and told him to think about it for a few weeks. After all I only went along with the big wedding idea for him. He has come to the decision a family is what he wants.

We have always said we want to be married before we have children - I know not necessary, this is just how we feel. So having talked it out we decided that really the best thing to do would be to elope with our immediate family in the first half of next year. This way we are not spending all our savings on a wedding and can instead focus on what really matters to us... expanding our family.

So next step was for him to talk to his family about this. His parents are not happy.

They have said that they will support us in whatever we chose... but they really don't want an abroad wedding. So now we feel like we can have this as it will make them unhappy. I don't want to rob them of enjoying their son's wedding but should this be at the expense of our happiness?

I feel like the only choices it has left us with is (1) don't get married - the thought of which devastates me or (2) have this big expensive wedding (which I really don't want to do if its not what either of us want and will just eat all our savings which could be put towards a baby).

AIBU to just say - we're eloping and that's that - please come with.

OP posts:

stormy11 · 21/10/2019 13:34

It's your wedding - do what you want. No-one else's opinions mattered.

We eloped in Australia- we had our parents and a best friend each attend. When we got home we had a blessing and a big party for the rest of the family so no one missed out. It was awesome and I wouldn't change it.

Original poster

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 13:35

We did look at smaller/cheaper options in the beginning.. we looked online at a lovely little pub that did weddings - but FIL went on and on about it being in a “bad area” so we ended up cancelling viewing. We also looked at going to an area down south where weddings are more affordable but MIL was unhappy it meant her sister who lives a bit further away would have to travel further. Feel like whatever we choose they won’t be happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 13:36

Sorry “authentic” probably want the best way to explain it. I mean doing something that feels right to us - matches our personalities.

OP posts:

SpiderCharlotte · 21/10/2019 13:39

@Wurfit Yep you can, but if it's not in a registry office, it still needs to be officiated by a religious minister/priest (e.g. at the side of a loch etc), or a humanist official.

SpiderCharlotte · 21/10/2019 13:40

Feel like whatever we choose they won’t be happy.

In that case, do what you want and don't try to please them.

FairlyOddmother · 21/10/2019 13:42

Feel like whatever we choose they won’t be happy.

So just decide what YOU want to do for YOUR wedding, and they can decide whether to attend.

flouncyfanny · 21/10/2019 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ibanez0815 · 21/10/2019 13:45

Feel like whatever we choose they won’t be happy.

but it's not their wedding? Why can you not have the wedding you want. Why do you think it is so important to please others? Esp your wedding????

RasberryRoyale · 21/10/2019 13:50

Yanbu

We initially considered a big wedding but for reasons similar to yours (and when we actually realised that we didn’t want a huge wedding) we changed it. Changed the venue to a smaller but just as beautiful one and focused our wedding around us and what we were comfortable with. We also cut our guest list down to immediate family and close friends as that was the people that mattered most. We decided not to invite extended family as expected because we hadn’t saw them for years.

My parents and family accepted this. My in laws did not and did not attend. We have had no contact with them since.

But that said, when we reflect on the day we both agree we wouldn’t change it. Have the wedding you both want, not the one family expects.

herbie01 · 21/10/2019 14:07

My DH and I were in very similar situation. My DH is quieter, more reserved personality and never likes being centre of attention - not the type you'd pick as wanting big white wedding. I had some fantasies of nice things on a wedding day but the cost and CF in-laws (who seemed to never be happy unless complaining) just wrecked any planning and I began to dread the thought of a wedding with all & sundry invited. In-laws weddings all cost tens of thousands.

Eloped last year (not out of the country, but far enough away travelwise that no one could say "if we know you were getting married we would have come") and no regrets - my parents were fully supportive, his father understood the costs reasoning (didn't mention family drama to him), his mother and sisters and youngest brother put on a massive tanties, guilt trips and rants. Brother hates my guts and has run me down for years, and sisters have never treated me like family anyway (double standard to brothers wife, who is golden girl) - so no loss. All other friends & family happy for us, many even said that they always thought DH would be type to elope and it was no surprise.

Moral of the story - those who truly care for you and your happiness will be happy for you and support your decision, ( they may be a little disappointed they weren't there but nothing CF level). Nothing will show people's true colours like an elopement.

Sounds like you won't have a peaceful time no matter what you do, so just do what is right for you two.

We are now expecting our first little one, and what we didn't spend on a wedding we now have a comfortable nest egg for baby's arrival.

ZenNudist · 21/10/2019 14:10

We got married abroad to guarantee the weather and I didn't want a big wedding. I didn't put pressure on people to come. We threw a party when we got back to invite everyone.

My family were ok with it. Dhs less happy but then had a great time. They said afterwards that they hadn't been looking forward to it but when they saw how lovely it all was an what a memorable day we had they realised how wrong theyd been.

They were disappointed dhs gran couldn't come and they managed to invite some random family members But we didn't mind too much.

Definitely go abroad.

My friends got married at the registry office in positano italy with a reception at a fab restaurant. It cost us a fortune and was childfree so very inconvenient We all grumbled. BUT when we waled out onto the terrace where they were to be married you understood. It was so beautiful and holiday weddings are a different character to UK country house or hotel ones. So much more relaxed.

Do it!

Very generous of you to pay for family.

Please say where you are thinking?

Original poster

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 21/10/2019 14:18

@herbie01 - thank you for sharing, and wishing you the best of luck with your impending arrival :)

@ZenNudist we had always loved the idea of Dubrovnik in Croatia

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 21/10/2019 14:29

@wurfit - friends humanist wedding was Scotland😊. Didn't realise it was different elsewhere in UK, though that explains the reasoning behind another friend's wedding arrangements in England, so thank you for the info.

hondagirl500 · 21/10/2019 15:32

Do you want a wedding, or a marriage?

My (second) wedding was £200 registry office, a pub meal for 12 after, and then a big party in our garden the following weekend - bbq, keg of ale, and a bloody good time had by all!

ZenNudist · 21/10/2019 15:33

Depends what time of year you go to Dubrovnik. The old town is very crowded when cruises arrive. I think you said early next year. It would be nice in spring maybe?

We got married in Cyprus in May. It had the advantage of not requiring translation of documents (very Anglican culture) and wedding was officiated in English.

A friend got married in Mauritius. All inclusive resort. Not too expensive going long haul. Fixed the costs rather than beholden to foreign exchange rate fluctuations. Wedding itself wasnt much more expensive than the holiday.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/10/2019 15:43

YANBU and its your bloody wedding, your marriage.

I couldn't stand having family stick their oar into my business like this and honestly if my family were trying to dictate the terms of my wedding like this I'd tell them to do one.

Don't know how people cope with that degree of intrusion into their private lives tbh.

TheSandman · 21/10/2019 15:43

Wife and I got married in registry office. No one there but DD and witnesses. Family told but asked to hang on because were going to have the reception a month or so later. Later we hired the village hall had a bit of a ceremony (which we wrote ourselves), roped in all our friends to get it together - no bloody wedding planners involved - followed by a big old cèilidh. Job done. Total cost about £500 including hiring a band and a DJ. The cake had a LOT of Smarties on it.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/10/2019 15:59

I'm getting married for the second time in the next couple of years and we have decided that we are going to elope to Venice and then have a party when we get back. I have to be honest that even though it was my idea, I felt a bit uncomfortable with a wedding that was so different from the norm (the traditional white wedding, reception, loads of people), but the more I think about it the more I love the idea of just having us to please. We may give an open invitation to a few people to join us, but it's not vital.

We too felt that a cheap registry office and meal afterwards wasn't really special enough, or "us" - but we didn't want to spend shed loads of money either. This was our compromise to ourselves.

Now we just have to get around to figuring out when we can actually do it!

DeathStare · 21/10/2019 16:03

Have the wedding YOU want. They don't have to be happy - it's not their day.

Pcosmama · 21/10/2019 19:26

They've had their wedding day! Your wedding is one perfect day for you and your partner (and dc) and they should be delighted to be a part of it!

PicaK · 21/10/2019 19:30

Big Church wedding. Knees up in a church hall. Why does it have to be expensive?

Slightlysurviving · 21/10/2019 19:37

I read this and I am so glad me and my DH went to the registry office one Saturday morning with 2 friends that lived locally. Done. We called our family to let them know after. Some were not best pleased but as there was nothing anyone could do it was soon forgiven. We held a party to celebrate in the following summer. I loved my wedding day just the 4 of us. It was so us and really felt special. Years later we are still very happy.

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