Screamed in front of my 7 years old

[BingBo]

Am I being unmotherly... wanting to scream when my 4 months old moans constantly as he can't be parted from my arms for more than 10 minutes?

Is it even more unreasonable that I actually screamed and in front of my 7 years old?

We just moved back home after some work in the house during a good half year. Clothes everywhere piling up. Years of old cutters to be cleaned up before I could open boxes and unpack. Can't find anything these days as both the old part of the house and it's new part are both in a mess.

I just need a proper 3 days could finish most tidy up. But with the 4 years old breastfed baby who has had reflux and gassy tummy, putting him down is nearly impossible.

I got really upset and frustrated when trying to use like half an hour efficiently to tidy up DS1's wardrobe so that we could at least find the school socks and etc. in the mornings. After 10 minutes in His babygym, the little one lose his patience and started moaning nonstop. I took him into DS1's room, but it's impossible to standing up sorting out the clothes. But babies...Of course babies don't like you sit down. I understand babies have needs, but I felt really reaching my limit. 3 weeks in, we are still living in such a condition-half of the lounge is covered with boxes and the other half is with clothes and all sorts of stuff to be tidied up...

DH is away this week till Friday. I've already left tHe baby cry quite a few times as I had to keep things operating for DS1 and myself (if no more than the very basic). I would never admit to anyone in real life, but I sometimes felt wanting to punish the baby just letting him cry...

Am I unmotherly and a horrible person???

I wanted the second child. But only 4 months in, I am not sure if I overestimated myself...

Well, yes, screaming is outside of reason. It probably scared the shit out of your kids.

But it's not without value. It's a big signal that you are exhausted and need more support and/ or a different approach depending on what resources that you have around you.

It doesn't make you awful or unmotherly though, it has nothing to do with those things. Parenting is a long game, we don't need to judge ourselves by the shittest moment.

You're clearly struggling with all the stress but that doesn't make you a bad mother.

When baby goes down for a nap talk to the 7 year old.

Does your mom live locally? Could she pop round and give you a hand?

Do you think you may have PND?

Just take some deep breaths. Leave the unpacking if you need to. Look after yourself.

Ok, I wouldn't even be trying to do this stuff with a fussy baby. Yes it sounds cluttered and stressful but you're adding to your stress by trying to sort through it while your baby cries and won't be put down.
First thing I would do is get out of the house. Baby in buggy, 7 year old out on bike or scooter. Everyone just out for some space and don't forget to eat something as well.
Your husband isn't back until Friday so dont plan anything that is going to overwhelm you this week. If baby will go down for ten minutes just so what you can get done in ten minutes and then try again later. When DH is back you can take shifts dealing with fussy baby and getting stuff done.

Yanbu to want to scream. Yabu to actually scream.

You sound like you need to get some help/support from somewhere. Babies are bloody hard work an it concerns me that you said you want to 'punish' your child.

Do you have a sling that you can put baby in to do the jobs? I did everything with my ds strapped to me as he had horrendous reflux (multiple hospital stays for it) and it was the only way to be able to move around the house!

How about a really good sling?
One that keeps baby close so he can even snooze on your chest whilst you get on with shit.

I feel your pain I really do. DS was a colicky baby and constantly needsd to be near me. 5 minutes was too long and I was screaming in my head. A few times it came out. Its natural frustration but do you best to not actually scream.

Get a great sling and make sure you prioritise some time for yourself. I know you've got loads going on but just 10 minutes to yourself will make one hell of a difference.

It will pass OP.

It's not unreasonable to be stressed by the move and aftermath of building work especially with a 4 month old.

But it was not an unexpected event. What plans did you make for the move /clearing up etc.?

It's an unrealistic task for you to tackle on your own in the circumstances you describe so the only option is to get help, whether paid or voluntary, especially as dh is away.

You can't continue in a situation where you scream out loud infront of your children. That is unreasonable.

You are very clearly struggling right how however you shouldnt be taking that anger out on your children. That isn't fair. You need to put them in day care/ nursery/ with family for a few days and recoup.

If not go to the gp/hv etc and tell them you need extra help atm and they might see if they can help out with a home visit

I would never admit to anyone in real life, but I sometimes felt wanting to punish the baby just letting him cry...

That’s not great is it. Nothing to do with being “motherly” but the baby didn’t ask to be born or to live in a mess at 4 months old. He’s tiny, if he’s gassy his tummy hurts, he isn’t crying to piss you off.

You sound very stressed, fair enough, but if you want to punish a tiny baby I’d go and see your doctor to see if there’s anything else going on.

A couple of things spring to mind:
Get to a sling library and try some different styles until you find one your baby is happy in.
Can your seven year old help you tidy with direction? Can you make it a game or explain that the family needs to work together right now?

You just need a 7m length of cotton or cotton/lycra jersey (95%cotton, 5% lycra) which you can get in a gazillion colours online for as little as £4 or £5 per m. When it comes, use your best scissors (dressmaking shears if you have or can borrow them, or pop into a fabric shop and ask them to cut it if you have one near and feel bold enough! ) and cut it into two equal 7m strips down the middle right along the length. Take one piece and fold it end to end to find the exact middle and mark it with a safety pin or badge or a colourful stitch so you can find it easily.

Check out YouTube sites like solly baby for how to tie the scarf and insert baby safely and voilà - both hands are free and baby will be snuggled up near enough to drop a kiss on her/his head. You'll soon be sorted.

You can have one sling in the wash and one on the go, or sell one to a mum friend for the price of all the fabric. 😉

You're exhausted, but I can feel your pain in just wanting to get tidy, it's hard to feel normal with the house in a mess. Better not to scream, but it's done now and I doubt it was a choice. Here's some suggestions in case any work:

1. It's frustrating not being able to put the baby down, but the tears when you do are even more frustrating, so it really won't help you nor the baby to leave it to cry. The baby won't cry as much sleeping in a sling, so it'll be less painful even though you can't do quite as much, just pick your tasks.
2. 4 months, so have you considered a jumperoo or door bouncer so he can kick those farts out? DS is a clingy one, but he loved both from that age and would easily spend 20 min in it several times a day. £35-45 secondhand, look on Facebook marketplace (£25 ones are usually a state).
3. Next, can your 7 year old cuddle and wind the baby while you tidy up?
4. Can you afford a cleaner as a one-off to help get things straight?
5. Can you afford a cheap teenage babysitter to just hold the baby while you get things done in the evening? Any friends who could hold and play with your baby along with their own while you tidy and just feed them drinks / cake?
6. What are you feeding the baby? Reflux is usually allergy related; you need to change your diet if you're breastfeeding or change formula if you're bottle feeding, and be aware for weaning; dairy / egg / wheat etc could be the cause. Has your GP helped; do you have ranitidine, omeprazole, gaviscon etc in sufficient dosage to help the poor baby while you sort out diet?

I have a sling, but can't bend over with the baby in it, whilst lots of domestic work needs bending over one way or the other, even just to unload the dishwasher. I found it's also impossible to sit down with him in the sling. So in the end, I carry him with one hand and try to do anything else with the other.

We don't have family around. Breastfeeding doesn't allow me to put him to a different pair of hands unless I start pumping.

I can't put him down even when he's napping in the day, as that would wake him up. Used to be like all day until after 7pm, before DH could hold him to free me a bit. But he started refusing to be held by DH in the evenings, would cry hysterical for as long as half an hour before falling asleep in exhaustion. So it became me holding him from the time he opens his eyes in the morning.

Then start with asking for help sorting out the house. It's ok to ask for help.
Once the house is settled and organised you can focus on other things

I fee for you, it must be exhausting.

If your DH is away until Friday, I honestly wouldn't try to tackle too much unless someone can help you out - and it doesn't sound as if there's anyone available. Just unpack the minimum you need to function this week and leave the rest until DH gets back...if the clutter's horrible to look at, go out!

You know your DC need to be your priority so focus on them. Re. screaming - no one's perfect and the important thing is that you recognise it was wrong and you won't do it again.

My DC occasionally bring up "the big row" that DH and I had about five years ago. Yes, it was unpleasant and we should've controlled our tempers, but the reason they remember it is that it was a one-off and has never been repeated. We realised that you don't have massive arguments in front of your DC and now control our tempers.

I’m surprised you can’t lean forward in a sling - unless you’ve only tried a Baby Bjorn carrier type thing with baby looking outwards?

Your baby needs you more than the house needs to be tidied.

But as that is stressing you, can you find a cleaning firm who will come and unpack under your direction, and clean? Or family?
Or tell your husband that he needs to take a few days holiday to help get you all settled back in.

Thinking about punishing your baby is worrying, I’d wonder if you might have PND and need to see your GP.

Oh you poor thing that sounds bloody hard!
Second a sling that is comfy.
Could you find a local teenager/ mothers help to be a second pair of hands for a few hours a day?
Or tidy one room properly and ignore the others until Dg comes home?
At the weekend send him out with both kids for 3 hours after a feed, then sleep or tidy whichever you feel like at the time.
I do understand wanting to ebf but if you would like day to help out more at weekends and for you to get more of a break from baby the odd bottle of formula is not a disaster.
Hang in there, motherhood can be really frustrating xx

Put on some wireless headphones or use ear filters. It doesn't stop a baby crying, but it takes the edge off the sound, enough to be able to have him crying away whilst strapped to your chest - sounds like he needs to be upright, rather than laid down.

It sounds as though your sling is too low if you can't sit down or bend over. You need one that lifts him up away from your waist - the wrap ones are far better at that, as they keep them cocooned inside, rather than precariously dangling and about to fall out.

Trip to the GP to explain that he cries constantly and can't be laid down. I wonder if DH is holding him slightly flatter, which allows the stomach pain to increase? I found laying DD2 face first across my forearm and supporting her face with my hands helped when she was bloated. Which I'd fucking known about that one when DD1 was screaming the place down 24 hours a day.

Screaming once is understandable. Leaving him to cry and getting frustrated/angry is understandable. Being pissed off that at present, you are holding him from the moment he opens his eyes and you're not getting a chance to enjoy having him is understandable.

I do wonder who had the idea of having massive building work start when you were about to give birth? Whether that's you or your DH, I could understand being pissed off about it (I'd most likely have refused point blank to move back, but I don't suppose that was an option).

I'd use that frustration and just luzz everything - clothes, shoes, the lot - all into a skip. Fuck it. If you could afford to pull your house apart, live somewhere else and pay for a massive building project, you can afford to have fewer clothes and buy what is actually needed as you need it.

Dummies can help.

And, seriously - do you actually want to continue breastfeeding? If you don't, then look at switching to formula (a non dairy one, due to the possibility of CMPA?). Once more than one person can be the source of food, more than one person is OK in the baby's little world as being safety and comfort, they are less likely to only want one person constantly.

You're not being unreasonable in the circumstances, but it's not a sustainable way to continue - and making sure you're OK means all children are OK.

Get paper plates, and don't unload the dishwasher. Get your groceries delivered. Order food in. Make a list of every convenience possible. Don't bother with unpacking unless it's for small pleasures. Watch movies. Go for walks to get a little sun on your face and get you out of the house. You are the queen.

Hire someone to come and help you sort?

This is where you bring in a professional. You choose what professional makes the most sense to you.

You could hire:
-a professional organizer (these exist!)
-a babysitter to hold the baby while you sort
-a local teenager who will literally do what you direct as you sit in a chair holding the baby (a professional set of hands, if you will)

Or anything else that you can think of. Prices are different, but my guess is that you could get the latter for about £50 and at least get done with the living room. It is seriously worth the investment.

Is baby in a leap? There is an app called wonder weeks which tracks babys leaps i.e. their developmental growth.
Being a parent is bloody tough and no one tells you about the hard times! People say to enjoy every minute when it is just not possible because there are times it just straight up sucks!
I do think you are adding more stress on to yourself by trying to do what is needing done but at this time the needs of the baby does have to take a bit of priority over the house being unorganised as tough as that is.
Will baby sleep anywhere else? In a pram or beanbag or even bouncer?
I know its tough OP, just hang in there. It will pass x

Yanbu to want to scream and yanbu to scream either! We all have our limits!
Have you got anyone you can call on to lend a hand before Friday?
Or can you pay for someone to either help with the children, or do the cleaning / organising with your direction?
I'd definitely suggest a baby sling / carrier. They will sleep on you whilst your hands are free!
Don't be too hard on yourself. This mothering gig is so tough!

Oh bless you - baby + olderchild can be knackering and maddening. I’m not a fan of the early months I have to say. They are hard! Definitely get some help in if you can - doulas are great as they are experienced with babies but the ones I’ve had have been great about getting stuck in with whatever you need help with. Google doula uk and have a search for someone in your area. I had help this way with both my babies and it was an absolute lifesaver

How old is DS1? Why can’t he clear his own clothes out? Your DD at 7 is also more than capable of sorting through things and tidying. You need to give the kids and your DP more jobs

Ps if you’re starting to feel that way about your baby - angry and wanting to let it cry to punish it - please please get some practical help. You’ll just feel shit about yourself for feeling that way and there’s no need. Poor little baby, poor you. Hope it gets better xx