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Original poster

I'm going crazy in my thoughts -help!

62 replies

lonklen · 21/10/2019 12:04

Mainly posting here for traffic - sorry.

I'm a very anxious person so this could be a product of my anxiety or the inducing of my anxiety, I'm unaware. I also think reading stories on here has made my mind change and become more anxious but too late now! I've had an uneasy feeling about DP this last week and can't figure out what it is.

Now I'm going crazy over questioning something that happened today and would appreciate either some rational talking down or suggestions on what it could be.

So: we live in a small flat and so can hear what the other is doing. Getting ready this morning I heard DP go into the spare room. Our spare room is the nicest room as we actually decorated it (the rest of the house is new build modern and boring) and no one goes in it so is presentable. It has two drawers, one for DP and one for me for our clothes.
DP was already dressed and had no reason to go into the spare room. So I casually asked "how comes you're in there?" And he said that he liked the smell and just went in to admire Hmm
This felt odd and I also heard him open a draw. He says he might have shut a draw he left open (but I'm quite sure there wasn't an open draw!).

Now my mind is so confused. It sounds so petty and small but I can't help but think he was getting something that's secretive.
My mind has gone to condoms as a hiding place as there's no where else in the house, but DP is allergic to them and just never would buy them so I'm ruling it out.

I know where all his money gets spent as we have access to all accounts. He's always where he says he is and is never anywhere suspicious. We have each other on Find Friends. If he was cheating it would have to be with someone at work which is quite difficult in his workplace but not impossible.

Where does your mind go?
Please be gentle I'm an anxious mental health mess.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 21/10/2019 13:55

Imagine it the other way round. Your DH questioning you as to why you went in the spare room and had the audacity to open your own drawer.
He could be up to all sorts. But you need to try to get a hold on your anxiety because it’s going to drive you crazy.

Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 13:57

@Angeldust747 already engaged and he kept that secret for 0.01 seconds when he got the ring

OP posts:
Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 13:58

Thing is, if he said "why are you questioning me I went to get my X" I'd drop it and feel embarrassed. It's the response of "no reason". Who goes into a closed room for no reason when in a rush to get to work?!

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 21/10/2019 14:02

Hmmm I do think its slightly odd in that he sounds like he was lying about something - does anyone on here really go and admire a room decorated 5 months ago as part of their morning routine?

My guess would be spare phone or charger for spare phone, if there was anything to hide. Now you've asked about it I would think he would hide it though. I would probably check and check his car.

CSIblonde · 21/10/2019 14:02

Perhaps as you say it's his 'man drawer' and his stuff he felt annoyed at being questioned in his own home, hence the no reason reply. That'd irritate the feck out of me. Perhaps the BBC eing overly nice us him trying to be understanding of your anxiety? It sounds like it's spiralling into paranoia tbh, are you seeing anyone about it?

Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 14:05

The fact you have mentioned a few times you handle the finances would make me think he has stashed a bit of cash. Not avugs amount, just some spends that he doesn't have to justify he has...

Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 14:06

*not a huge amount that should say!

FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2019 14:20

Spidey senses - I always listen to them. Your anxiety may be clouding things, but the fact remains - Who goes into a closed room for no reason when in a rush to get to work?!

Nobody.

You say you've felt uneasy about something up with him for a week or so and his behaviour has changed.

So yes he went in for a reason - something in the drawer. Whether or not that's legit is another thing!

I wouldn't exactly go mad at this but I'd have my ears pricked and would definitely, definitely be leaving it a day or so then having another nose in that drawer. And keep a discreet eye for other oddities.

Stashed cash is quite likely, would he normally expect that you might see extra in his wallet for example?

Any parcels come recently?

SunniDay · 21/10/2019 14:21

Hi OP,
I think you should visit your GP and consider meds for your anxiety.

You seem to be saying you have a bad feeling in a general way but are watching your husband like a hawk to pin something on him and blame him for your feelings. It’s not ok that it sounds like your partner couldn’t buy so much as a twix without you knowing. Even if you share finances he needs his own little inch of privacy like being able to draw out a tenner and not be questioned. You do need to examine your behaviour - you are not being rational and you are being over controlling. I doubt you would like it if your partner put your every movement under the same level of scrutiny. Please see your GP.

Zebraaa · 21/10/2019 14:26

You sound very controlling. He’s probably scared to say what it is.

Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 14:55

Nope no parcels, because of how we are located we can't get parcels delivered here unless on a weekend or they get stolen, so usually to an Amazon locker. But no he hasn't.

Also with the phone thing - I thought about this but how would he fund it?

I'm not controlling - I'm an accountant and manage his finances as he also has a small business I sort the tax for. That's why I know everything
He also hates cash and thinks we should have a cashless society so everything is paid for on card! His expenses are straight forward - food from takeaways and petrol. Never anything else unrelated to us as a couple.

OP posts:
maras2 · 21/10/2019 15:03

PAYG Burner phone.

Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 15:04

@Zebraaa he's not the type to be scared to say something and it was never said in an accusatory tone. At that point it was genuine intrigue as we were in a rush and late.
I literally said "how comes you're in the spare room" and that's when he said no reason and I was like ????

OP posts:
Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 15:04

@maras2 aren't they still costly? Like how could he pay for one without my knowledge especially considering the credit cost

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 21/10/2019 15:05

Haven’t you checked the drawer?

SuchAToDo · 21/10/2019 15:06

Why don't you just go look in the drawers and see if anything is hidden there...if not then he's likely telling her truth

Plus if it's his home too he doesn't need a reason to walk into a room or open a drawer (he may have been looking at what you both had in there)

SomeonesSomeone · 21/10/2019 15:11

I experienced something similar, drawers/cupboards/rooms being entered quietly for no obvious reason. Happened several times for weeks/months at a time over the space of a lot of years. Got my Spidey senses tingling too.

He didn't smoke, never had, never would, I was mental for thinking he was acting odd, he would never go near disgusting evil cancer sticks. He was smoking. He quit, or so he said.

Fast forward some years, on top of drawer bothering he also burnt his eyelashes off very obviously with a lighter and said stop looking at me cos you're mental, there's nothing wrong with my eyelashes, oh wait, I splashed neat bleach on my face earlier, must have melted my eyelashes off, somehow without damaging my eyeball. Turned out he was smoking again. Quit, he claimed.

Fast forward several years, more drawer bothering and he's acting strange/emotional/odd look on face one night after work. You're mental, nothing's wrong. Next morning, fear and tears in his eyes. I got a fixed penalty ticket for littering he says. My mate gave me a fag, I took two drags, went yucky yucky and threw it on the floor in disgust just as an enforcement officer was stood behind me. Series of text messages flew back and forth, mostly along the lines of do you think I am that stupid you lying bastard. Oh, look, turns out never quit....none of the times he said he did.

I tell you this because weird is weird. Having anxiety does not necessarily make normal behaviour or sounds seem weird because as I said, weird is weird.

I thought I had anxiety but it turned out I just thought I did from living with somebody who gaslighted me to fuck and kept telling me I was mental.

Do you actually have anxiety or is he just making you feel anxious because the two things are very different.

Try this. Worked for me. Wait till he is nice and relaxed, engrossed in TV/Internet/book/whatever. Get up and say you are off to do some spring cleaning/have a clear out. See if he follows you and watches you to see what you're getting in to. Mine used to follow me and suggest I needed a break and a cup of tea if I got near his stash.

Wildorchidz · 21/10/2019 15:12

Maybe you’re bugging the shit out of him following him around and questioning him.

NoSauce · 21/10/2019 15:15

The OP wasn’t following him around, she heard him go into that room as it’s a small flat and she can hear everything going on.

Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 15:33

@SuchAToDo my theory is that whatever was in there to hide has gone with him - that's why I can't see anything.

I'm home more than him usually as I work from home however when I have I usually hear him go in there and get something and I've never really clicked before but I've thought it's odd but always thought what possibly could it be so dropped it.

I haven't looked properly as we needed to leave for work. He will be home before me tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 15:33

I guarantee he isn't smoking and I also have no issue with smoking

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 21/10/2019 16:50

Second mobile phone perhaps?

AppleKatie · 21/10/2019 16:56

engagement ring?

Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 20:11

@AppleKatie nope already engaged.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonklen · 21/10/2019 20:11

@crispysausagerolls this is my only thought but I don't know how he'd pay for it or where he'd get it from

OP posts:
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