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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 12 yr old dd on her own?

56 replies

babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 10:19

Hi
I work pt at my dds school as a lunch break supervisor&I've got chance of poss doing another job there as a breakfast club supervisor.
If I get the job it's an extra HR&a half so 7.30-9&it'll mean leaving the house to walk up at 7.10.
At the moment while she's still at the same school,she comes up with me&stays as I'm doing it as overtime this week as one girls already left hence her position has now come up.also I've helped out before when anyone's been out sick etc.
But next Sept she goes up to Secondary school which is much closer to our house but obviously means she won't be coming up to breakfast club with me&I will have to leave her alone in the house from 7.10 til she leaves for school at roughly 8.45.she will be 12 by then.
She's never been left on her own for any length of time before but when I googled it nspcc guidelines say it's fine to leave a child that age for HR or 2 deoending on their maturity&to maybe do some trial runs first of leaving her for 20mims then half HR etc.
Dp doesn't think it's a good idea to leave her but I said well it's another yr away so there's time for her to practice being left alone&fir us to lay ground rules down of not answering the door if anyone knocks.we don't have a landline only mobiles so nobody will ring that she can't speak to.she has a bog standard mobile that she can only ring,txt&take photos with so no internet to worry about.
So aibu to leave her for that HR&a half to do that job?

OP posts:
Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 15:47

Dial yes practising while we are still at the same school is a good idea.
It's all good practice for secondary school&she should be able to do it all really.

OP posts:
Notanargosfan · 21/10/2019 17:00

I was looking after my auntie's kid for a couple of hours at that age. Each child is different and most are capable

Mrsglitterfairy · 21/10/2019 17:08

As long as you can trust her to get up & out to school then I would. I leave DS who is almost 12 now for a few hours. This week he is on half term so I’ve booked half days at work, he’s home alone from when DH leaves around 8am until I return about 12.30. He’s been fine so far, he’s got himself up, breakfast etc and knows I’m only a phonecall away. I would start leaving her now for small periods of time and see how she gets on

rainbowunicorn · 21/10/2019 17:34

Why on earth has she not done something a simple as making some toast at the age of 11. Really by that age she should be able to do a simple meal. By the time mine were 11 they could do lots of simple meals such as beans on toast, scrambled eggs, omelette, toasties, jacket potatoes and things like that.
You really aren't going to do her any favours by not getting her to do these things.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 21/10/2019 17:44

Dd2 is 11 and in y7. I would not hesitate to leave her at hole for that length of time. She has been home alone several evenings a week for about 2 hours since midway through y6. In fact in y6 one evening a week. She’d arrive home and have to get herself changed and out the door for one of her clubs before I got hole from work! She managed fine!

Give her a little more credit. She’ll be 12 not 2.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 21/10/2019 17:45

Sorry for the typos! 🙄

wonkylegs · 21/10/2019 18:08

As others say depends on the child
My 11yo (yr 7 now) sometimes leaves for the bus in the morning by himself or comes home to an empty house depending on my work commitments.
He has to be organised as he gets the school coach as we live in a village.
We practised a few times over the summer with me going shopping without him etc.
He has the neighbours & my phone number if there is a real emergency but he doesn't yet have a mobile phone so needs to call from school or a house. He's captain sensible though so I wasn't worried too much. My friends daughter isn't allowed to do the same because she'd just skip school!

fluffygal · 21/10/2019 18:12

She can definitely be left at her age! I have left mine overnight at 12 and 13. They get themselves up for school and out the door before I am even up! They make themselves toast after school before I get home from work. You need to start giving her more responsibility.

Wheat2Harvest · 21/10/2019 18:13

I used to leave my 12-year-old at home on his own for up to a couple of hours at a time.

I didn't even think twice about it. I thought it was normal.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 21/10/2019 18:49

I would wake her before you go but yes, I think she'll be fine, my DD will be doing similar when she starts secondary school next year as I leave at 7.20 to get to the school I work in and she won't need to leave til 8.20 if she gets her first choice, I'm just going to wake her up just before I leave so I know that she is up, and so I'll know if she isn't well enough for school, then she has time to get ready, eat etc before she goes.

runninguphills · 21/10/2019 20:15

She'll be fine. They still seem young in primary but really do grow up in high school and the independence is really good life skill training.

My 12 year old races out of high school to the bus stop to catch the bus to my younger two children's high school. She'll walk them home (2km) and watch them for half an hour until I get home from work.

I do pay her for this which makes it seems she has a huge amount of pocket money. However, it's so much cheaper than a childminder/after school club and the younger two prefer to come straight home after school. It's a win win!

She is very mature for her age and Im very confident in her ability to cope with the responsibility.

VerbenaGirl · 21/10/2019 20:16

Fine. x

clary · 21/10/2019 21:43

As others say Op it will be fine; tbh if she doesn't want to come to breakfast club I wouldn't make her. Mine were certainly getting themselves up and out by ages 10/12.

If she really can't make toast she needs to be able to do so, also basic meals like beans on toast, heating up pizza, making tea or coffee, cooking basic veg or pasta. My kids could certainly do that at that age, I think Scouts/Guides helped. Start now and get her a bit more independent and self reliant, sounds as if she'd welcome it.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 21:44

Thanks all!
Yes I think she will be fine.its dp that has a problem with it.so that's why I was asking to get others opinions.
She's not a very mature girl at the moment but I am giving her more responsibilities & told her she needs to be more independent.
She has a yr before she starts secondary so will be 12 then.alot can change in a yr!
I have said to her tonight about staying here while I go do brekky club &that she will be responsible for getting herself to school making sure the doors locked etc to get used to it&she seems up for it.dp didn't say much just gave a face but he will have to get over it I'm afraid!

OP posts:
Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 21:49

Clary she was doing Brownies up until we broke up for summer.it was time to go up to guides but she didn't want to do that.shame really as she used to enjoy Brownies.
She strips off her own bed&I've taught her what wash to put it on so she does that herself.she has to do her own room&keep her stuff tidy etc.

OP posts:
Adelie0404 · 21/10/2019 21:57

my 10year old had odd days when she has to get herself ready. She has a system of alarms on her iPad - time to eat, get dressed and brush teeth, and time to go to school! Very resourceful I thought. And was very proud of herself.
Now 11 and no way could i walk her to school - there's a posse of them that walk together!

Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 22:04

Adelie yes she's been walking to school&back on her own for a while now.
At the moment I'm only doing brekky club as overtime for a week.

OP posts:
SpookilyBadOooooooh · 21/10/2019 22:08

Your DP isn’t doing her any favours treating her like a baby/princess. He needs to be made to see the benefit of her being capable, sensible and able to look after herself otherwise he’ll be sending her off to secondary/the big wide world more vulnerable to boys/men who who want to ‘look after’ (control) her.

He’s not protecting her, he’s making her more vulnerable.

Aprillygirl · 21/10/2019 22:16

Absolutely fine as long as you trust her to get herself up and ready in time without you there to cajole her, which in my experience they do need a lot more yelling at encouragement with as they enter teenagehood.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 22:18

Spookily yes i know.he can be a bit over bearing sometimes himself&doesn't listen etc.
Dd is a people pleaser&it does worry me about what'll happen as she gets older &meets more people etc.
She's like me for that.its taken me a good 50 yrs to not be like that so much anymore &stand up for myself&I don't want her to be the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 22:20

Aprilly yes I know!
I will give her strict instructions not to put the kids programmes on!lol

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 21/10/2019 22:27

I would've been fine being left on my own but I would've struggled to get out of bed and would likely be rushing a lot. I'd make sure you have a set time you call her to make sure she's up. If she sounds groggy call her again 10 mins later.

A 12 yo should be able to make toast though fgs. I spent summers from that age at a junior chef school. She should be able to make her own dinner at that age imo.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 21/10/2019 22:31

Lemon yes I will do that as I've already said.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 21/10/2019 22:35

Dd3 Did this from start of Year 6.
I woke her before I left. Anything needed left by front door. Alexa programmed to nag on my behalf

Original poster
babayjane67 · 22/10/2019 06:35

Ajp we haven't got an Alexa but will ring or txt her from work yea.

OP posts:
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